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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate or not?

109 replies

user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 07:19

Has anyone experienced a family member being overly touchy with their children?

An uncle by marriage always hugs my daughters and nieces weirdly close and insists on 'proper' hugs goodbye. Always freaks me out as it's on more than one occasion and in some cases when he will see them again the next day so there's really no need for it. Blood relatives don't do this with them but with him there's always this big deal hello and goodbye involving a close, long hug.

AIBU? I just feel uneasy but no proof it's untoward and I know how serious it would be to say this out loud if it's innocent so I don't know what to do.

The kids are aged 0-5.

Few things I've found odd in recent times include

  • insisting on massive hugs twice
  • actually saying out loud 'be careful where you touch I don't want to be arrested' during a hug
  • volunteering quite loudly to change one of their nappies (just find this odd that a grown man who isn't their dad would be so willing to do this when no one asked him to)
  • offering to put on their shoes if leaving the house

Writing this down I'm aware it's not all so bad but I just have a feeling. However also aware I could be overreacting a lot so just wanted thoughts

Thank you

OP posts:
2bazookas · 23/08/2021 13:09

red flag to me.

I would speak to him privately and say " You are not to touch my children again. We both know why. IF you do, this conversation will be repeated in public to the rest of the family and the reasons for it spelled out in detail.

This is not negotiable. "

and follow through.

MintyGreenDream · 23/08/2021 13:14

They don't even need to fist bump or high 5 imo.You don't have to touch someone just because you're related

Claypotkitchentable · 23/08/2021 13:32

Your spidey senses are there for a reason. Don’t ignore them.

SummerWhisper · 23/08/2021 13:34

I disagree about the shoes, @HallieHufflepuff - just think about the position of a kneeling uncle putting his nieces' shoes on and the fact that it's a chance for him to touch their legs, look up their skirt or worse. Pervy paedo and totally unacceptable. It made my heart sink just thinking about his intentions.

HallieHufflepuff · 23/08/2021 14:16

@SummerWhisper Ok I totally get that now you have explained. I just thought about how I put on my DN's shoes for her but I don't need to touch her to do this, she puts her feet in herself and I hold the shoe and velcro it for her.
That's horrible that some people would think that way though, I don't know how some people can be so horrific.

HoppingPavlova · 23/08/2021 14:18

You’ve received a pervert alert. Listen to it!

Don’t accept this. Call him out on it all publicly and don’t let him fob you off or make a joke of it. If he goes on with the police comment call it out ‘Why would you say that, it’s a really odd thing to say? Have you had issues with the police with this before? It’s really best if you don’t touch children at all probably so there can’t be any misunderstandings given it’s a concern for you.’ If he throws his hands up and makes out you are crazy just keep it up ‘Sorry Pete, you were joking? Still, it’s not really the sort of thing that’s joked about is it? It’s a really serious issue, I’m not a killjoy but just don’t find that sort of thing funny’ and then look at him like he is crazy.

Just call every. single. thing out publicly and stuff how you look, it’s better to keep kids safe as by doing this in front of yourself and others he is taking the first step in making them think it’s normal.

HoppingPavlova · 23/08/2021 14:25

I do help the youngest DN to put on her shoes when we are all going for a walk together, as she can't do this by herself. I'm not sure what's strange about that on its own.

Depends on how it comes about? If you see a child struggling with the shoes then it’s quite natural to say ‘here, let me help you with those’, but in reality it really doesn’t involve much/any touching. More a case of holding the shoe itself still while they slip their foot in and then doing up laces/velcro.

If it’s volunteered spontaneously then that’s different. I’ve had kids but wouldn’t proactively volunteer to assist with shoes unless I actively saw the child struggling or their parent specifically asked me to do it. If something be is volunteering spontaneously it is quite odd as it’s not normal adult behaviour to be proactively looking for opportunities to put shoes on kids.

SummerWhisper · 23/08/2021 14:34

Yes @HoppingPavlova it seems as though he is proactively looking for opportunities to put shoes on young girls. I believe there is a high possibility Uncle Creep is a paedophile.

NigellaSeed · 23/08/2021 14:38

I wouldn't care whose feelings id hurt, I'd much rather trust my gut and get it wrong than shrug it off and the worst happen. This man has red flags, protect your children from him.

  • Obviously I know it's horrible to accuse innocent people of awful things.
StellaAndCrow · 23/08/2021 14:45

I'm female, don't have kids myself. I recently hugged a friends child goodbye (8 yr old boy) because his mum my friend was saying very enthusiastically "Give a hug to auntie Stella!". I felt guilty about it afterwards as I suspect he didn't want a hug.
Now I've thought about it, if in a similar situation I'd offer "hug, handshake or high five?" or similar so the child has choice. Even if an uncle or adult is just overly huggy, children shouldn't feel they have to accept it, but might not feel able to object.
And yes, in this case, trust your instincts.

HallieHufflepuff · 23/08/2021 14:47

@HoppingPavlova Yes, that's exactly what I do. To be honest she is 3 and asks for help because she can't do it. Or her mum asks me to help her whist she (mum) is getting the pram/dog/other child/herself ready. But it's a 1 minute job (if that), I hold the shoe, she slips in her foot, I velcro it. Done.

After an explanation from another poster, I now realise that the OP's family member could be wanting to touch children's shoes in a creepy way.
Definitely a bit strange when it's happening alongside the other definitely creepy behaviour.

Graphista · 23/08/2021 14:49

I think it might be advisable to do a Sarah's law check op. I'm a csa survivor and I wouldn't allow a dd of mine anywhere near this guy

Something is making you react as you are and his comments and behaviour are far from normal

Comedycook · 23/08/2021 14:49

Never ever leave your DC alone with him

dottydodah · 23/08/2021 14:52

I think if it makes you feel uncomfortable then thats a good enough reason to keep DC away from him.He sounds as creepy as fuck to me! Offering to change a childs nappies! And comments about where DC are touching him are really really off! I would be curtailing any visits at all!

StellaAndCrow · 23/08/2021 14:55

*Lostinmumming" thank you I think offering high five/handshake/wave is a good range of options!

dottydodah · 23/08/2021 14:57

I remember some time ago on here ,being shocked by a Poster who had "been abused in plain sight of her own family by her DGF!" I never really knew what she meant ,but this sounds incredibly disturbing to me !It seems to epitomise abuse . I would not see them at all TBH.

OverweightPidgeon · 23/08/2021 15:02

I agree with having a no holds barred conversation with him, any reasonable adult (if they are innocent) may be a bit hurt but will understand.
I would also talk to other family members and raise your concerns, they may feel the same.

Nutsabouttopic · 23/08/2021 15:24

Please please for your children's sake show your teeth and bite hard. I was the child in this position and my mum didn't follow her instincts. It's the biggest regret of her life. I tell her I'm fine but I'm not, it's always there. He wasn't even a creepy uncle, he was fun and young but my mum was always uneasy around him but made to feel she was the problem. Protect your children at all costs, do not worry about upsetting people or embarrassing anyone. When you next go to where he is state very clearly that you have boundaries in place that the children do not have to hug, kiss or physically interact with anyone, if anyone tries to overstep say loudly to the child "remember what we talked about it is ok to say no". Better to be thought of as over protective than for your child to suffer. I have daughters and I am constantly told that I'm over protective but mine are teenagers they were always safe and will give hugs to those they want to but have no bother saying no to others. A doctor once told me that there is no greater protection than a mother's instinct

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/08/2021 15:39

This has made me remember an old friend. Was generally a lovely guy but something made me feel funny about him. He’d offer to babysit my girls but I always found a reason to turn him down. There was never anything he did, nothing he said, so nothing I could call on, just a feeling.

I may have been totally wrong. But better for him to be completely innocent and unaware of how I felt, than me to be right and push those thoughts away so I didn’t offend him.

Whatinthelord · 23/08/2021 16:27

I think if you’re feeling suspicious then listen to your instincts... better to overreact than under react. Often someone from outside a family can see concerning behaviour better than someone in a family.

My dad can be overly physical with my kids, I have no concerns It’s anything sexual, I think it’s just a result Of him being desperate for affection from them, his lack of awareness of others needs And being a rough handed person.. He was similar with me as a child. It’s still not ok and needed addressing.

I still have had to step in to speak up about the over affection. I do it by saying things like “ x doesn’t want hugs” or “ x can you say goodbye. You can choose a hug or just say goodbye what do you want to do”. Things like that. When he didn’t listened once I said loudly “ he said he didn’t want a hug...listen to hIm and stop”. He’s not overstepped boundaries since.

Obviously our situation is different because I am as close to certain as I can be it’s nothing more. Also we see them frequently and my children. Generally have a very good relationship with him.

In your case, as it’s someone they don’t see often it might be better setting a general rule that hugs\kisses are t for people outside our very close family.

Sounds like, if everyone else is accepting of how he is, you will have to be strong and speak up for the children. Expect to have him\others try to play things down.... but don’t let that put you off.

stonebrambleboy · 23/08/2021 16:27

And I wouldn't worry about upsetting his wife either.

shinynewapple21 · 23/08/2021 16:54

@loopylindi

elbow bumps and face masks every time

I think you're missing the point here @loopylindi

LittleGwyneth · 23/08/2021 16:59

It might be completely off base, but realistically he's not going to lose anything if you're careful and don't let him be alone with your kids. You might have protected them from abuse, or you might have been over protective, but as long as you're not super obvious about your motives, what possible harm could there be in being careful?

Comedycook · 23/08/2021 17:02

I've read before on here I think how often abusers behave like this with their victims or potential victims in front of other people in an attempt to normalise the behaviour in the eyes of the victim. Like hiding in plain sight.

3scape · 23/08/2021 17:09

Trust your gut.

The watch where you touch comment is properly disturbing.

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