To wonder why some posters are so mean

[mygreysweatshirt]

I've used Mumsnet for a while now and generally found most posters to be nice, friendly and helpful. I've been given good advice when I've posted about certain situations that I've experienced. I've found some posters to be unnecessarily nasty though, I mean really really mean. A lot of the time it's been for absolutely no reason. I understand that some threads can get quite heated and sometimes people feel strongly about a certain subject and want to defend their opinion but I've also seen this attitude/behaviour on what should have been a lighthearted thread as well. It's almost as if people can't have a debate without insulting each other.

I often wonder is there a reason for this. Real life issues causing anger, giving them the urge to fight with random strangers online for no reason, perhaps it makes them feel good to put people down over a computer screen? Would they say those things to someone in real life too? This is in no way a goady thread. I'm genuinely curious as to why people act this way, especially to complete strangers.

Is it just me who thinks this?

I think the problem with online interaction is that you have no context for each person's contribution so you end up giving each response/comment equal weight.

If you were interacting with someone in real life and they behaved as some people are on MN threads you'd back away from the angry mouth frothing / strange rudeness and realise fairly quickly that the problem is likely theirs, not yours.

I'm definitely not talking about rude posters or grammar correctors, although their annoying to!

I like what you did there

Also, I often see OPs complain posters are being 'mean' when they disagree with them, or are not completely 'yes hun you do you xxx'.

Yep. I saw someone yesterday ask for her thread to be removed because the replies were ‘toxic’. For ‘toxic’ read ‘not in my favour’.

It depends completely on what the thread subject is. I think you need to wear your hard hat when posting in AIBU as it basically is a bunfight waiting to happen and why it has such good traffic. Specifically named boards tend to be much ‘safer spaces’ and it is really noticeable if someone is being a twat for no reason.

Still, I think a lot of judgements of ‘meanness’ is based on someone not liking what advice they have been given, and other posters feeling personally attacked as they can see themselves in the OP’s post. That said though- some people absolutely will be goady fuckers, won’t RTFT and just try and twist the knife.

Personally, I know that I am incredibly brash on certain subjects- shit men, misogyny in action, chasing and pedastalling blokes who have done nothing to prove they are worthy of a woman’s time…but seeing as so much of the internet regarding dating and relationships places so much interest on women CoMmUnICaTiNG and ‘tell him how you feeeeeeeel!!’ I don’t really care that my posting style or advice insensitively calls out useless partners or advises OP’s to give their heads a wobble.

Sometimes, if ‘bluntness/rudeness’ (you choose) might just allow someone to look at a situation critically, then that’s a good thing. I don’t think it’s particularly kind to put the onus on a woman to communicate her feelings or compromise when the OP makes it very clear that her partner is a living bin fire who she needs to get far away from and clearly DOES NOT listen to her.

I think AIBU gets heavy visitation from journalists looking to stir up a fight, Incels looking to have a go at women to make themselves feel better, Daily Mail readers, etc.

I’ve spent lots of time on the Pregnancy, Childbirth and Post-Natal Health boards and posters are much nicer and more normal over there.

I also think it might depend which threads you are clicking on. Threads such as ‘aibu to tell my friend it’s weird to breastfeed her 2yo’ and that type of thing will get strong replies that could appear ‘mean’ because everyone wants to defend their own choices and it can feel like you’re being attacked.

However, there are lots of lovely threads that get nice replies. I posted on a thread last night of a single mum who was having ‘mum guilt’ and all the replies were lovely and supportive. Lots of others as well. Maybe you need to try all different types of threads to come across every type of poster.

I had one say I post too much, well I came on MN because of lockdown and I got lonely. How would you know anyway. I also had one who said I was precious because I said being in busy supermarkets was stressful due to covid.then gave me the finger! Several actually

OK - a case in point right here today

Someone started.a thread which is clearly very goady to get reactions from people. It's been taken down and they have history of trolling.

People lose confidence if they get a sniff of a GF troll type - yes they report it, but it's really frustrating having someone there pulling the proverbial chain and prodding with a stick to get a reaction. Some posters are good at being just on the edge, enough to hit a nerve but not enough to be banned.

If someone is struggling to survive, lost their job after COVID and they read about someone gloating about how amazing they are, how well educated and how other people are pretty thick not to be where they are, then it would take a lot to just click away and not tell them to get involved. And these types are all too common now, it's so easy with name changing every 5 minutes.

just click away and not tell them to get involved =

just click away and not tell them to FO or get involved in the thread if their MH is struggling.

I suspect OP that some who post on here have too much time on their hands and that their social needs are not being met in rl, on a daily basis. I also suspect a lot of frustration has built up in some and it comes out on here.

These people tend to comment on threads where something has clearly "triggered" them or caught their attention, something that they themselves may identify with but have no control over. I have also seen posters be vile on a thread and then totally contradict themselves or pass themselves off as decent, on another, only hours later. Like Jekyll & Hyde. I have personally just this week, had people be vile to me on a thread and then separately PM me the following day apologising ,stating that actually they can identify with what i had said and asking me to excuse their vile comments. Who knows what goes on in these people's heads!

I think this site is best in moderation and with an understanding that some posters are not here to help. I think time spent here for some, would probably be better be spent investing in RL relationships and friendships. I am lucky that my friends at work and i all laughed at the thread i got grief on and the responses i got but, i appreciate others may not have that.

You get odd wind up merchant, but I don’t think there are many ‘mean’ posters.

Posting on here isn’t the same as sitting down having a chat with somebody, you tend to condense what you say & put it in a more direct way to get a message across.

I actually think the problem is that people are too thin skinned now, so many AIBUs are just posts looking for validation, and when they don’t get it they either stop replying or have the thread deleted.

It's mumsnet

It's full on carnage when someone with zero self awareness comes on and says 'urgh someone just breathed near me l went marching up to them and told them they shouldn't be out in public if they can't stop themselves breathing near people!! Yabu?''

Cue 'you're a dick' comments.

Passes a boring Saturday night though

I think it's just loneliness, it's a form of interaction. Maybe we should feel sympathy for these people but it can be hard as some are vicious

I had one really unpleasant experience. It was partly my fault but the other poster became very nasty and condescending. I actually left Mumsnet because of it, and just lurked without the temptation of posting.

Now I stay right out of silly disagreements over nothing. I came back because I saw a post from someone who has the same chronic illness I do and I wanted to try and help. Mumsnet has helped me several times, the most when I had a serious cancer scare. The support was amazing and I am very thankful.

This exact thread comes up every week or so,

In a place where you are allowed 'robust' opinions, there are always people who go too far. Plus it can be difficult to interpret intention with just the written word.

Some people take things very personally that cannot possibly be personal, then off they go, projecting, judging and name calling etc.
That's not to mention the ones who like to focus on a small bit of your post to take issue with and start to invent shit to be pissed off with you about.
Willful misinterpretation is exceedingly common, it's permission to be a nasty fucker.

It's almost as if some think you are supposed to know their life story and that they will read your post and be angered/hurt/triggered/whatever by your anecdote or opinion. I can only think they are very self centred people in general.

I've been called all sorts under various name changes.
Meh, fuck em.

@HebalGerbil

Some people take things very personally that cannot possibly be personal, then off they go, projecting, judging and name calling etc. That's not to mention the ones who like to focus on a small bit of your post to take issue with and start to invent shit to be pissed off with you about. Willful misinterpretation is exceedingly common, it's permission to be a nasty fucker.

It's almost as if some think you are supposed to know their life story and that they will read your post and be angered/hurt/triggered/whatever by your anecdote or opinion. I can only think they are very self centred people in general.

I've been called all sorts under various name changes.
Meh, fuck em.

I really agree about the ‘you don’t know my story’ posters. No shit, we’re strangers on the internet people will provide an opinion purely on the facts you’ve given, if you feel your backstory is so significant that it changes the context entirely, either provide the details or refrain from posting.

Rant over 🥵

Jealous, mean, troll, make themselves feel better, bitter, generally a horrible person