To wonder why some posters are so mean

[mygreysweatshirt]

I've used Mumsnet for a while now and generally found most posters to be nice, friendly and helpful. I've been given good advice when I've posted about certain situations that I've experienced. I've found some posters to be unnecessarily nasty though, I mean really really mean. A lot of the time it's been for absolutely no reason. I understand that some threads can get quite heated and sometimes people feel strongly about a certain subject and want to defend their opinion but I've also seen this attitude/behaviour on what should have been a lighthearted thread as well. It's almost as if people can't have a debate without insulting each other.

I often wonder is there a reason for this. Real life issues causing anger, giving them the urge to fight with random strangers online for no reason, perhaps it makes them feel good to put people down over a computer screen? Would they say those things to someone in real life too? This is in no way a goady thread. I'm genuinely curious as to why people act this way, especially to complete strangers.

Is it just me who thinks this?

There were a lot of the harridans about last night and overnight. Some vile posts.

Some people get their kicks in weird ways.

@mygreysweatshirt

I've used Mumsnet for a while now and generally found most posters to be nice, friendly and helpful. I've been given good advice when I've posted about certain situations that I've experienced. I've found some posters to be unnecessarily nasty though, I mean really really mean. A lot of the time it's been for absolutely no reason. I understand that some threads can get quite heated and sometimes people feel strongly about a certain subject and want to defend their opinion but I've also seen this attitude/behaviour on what should have been a lighthearted thread as well. It's almost as if people can't have a debate without insulting each other.

I often wonder is there a reason for this. Real life issues causing anger, giving them the urge to fight with random strangers online for no reason, perhaps it makes them feel good to put people down over a computer screen? Would they say those things to someone in real life too? This is in no way a goady thread. I'm genuinely curious as to why people act this way, especially to complete strangers.

Is it just me who thinks this?

I wouldn't take it personally. Some people are naturally not very nice people, but add in the fact that they can hide behind a username and an anonymous profile on the internet, and they suddenly have the guts to take their nastiness to another level.

That's why you shouldn't really place any importance in what people on the internet write. Treat it like an interesting read.

I saw that too @TheVolturi and thought
They piled on her like a pack of wolves... the food looked quite nice to.

If you think a thread is going too far, then the solution is at your fingertips - post what you think is better on the thread in question.

Or report any posts you think are excessive.

And do remember the 'you're all bitches' troll, who used to get off on us all saying his horrible we are. Women really don't have to be nice all the time

So true. I posted after I had my DC as we were staying with PIL and they were making our lives with a newborn very difficult at times.

I was suffering with PND and partner was depressed. I remember one awful person telling me that they "felt sorry for my in laws because they had to live with two mentally ill people".

That comment, stupid as it was, almost sent me over the edge. I was very ill at the time and honestly considered suicide at times.

People really need to be more careful how they speak to others online. Their words could literally kill someone.

I've thought the same thing!

I think it's because you can be more anonymous that other social platforms.

But yeah some people are horrid.

Some posters are mean. Some people in RL are mean.

Anything you think breaks talk guidelines-report it. If you think that a poster is being mean all over the place, report it.
You can also hide the thread, or hide the whole topic.

If someone was being mean to you in RL you would stop engaging and leave them to it-that's an option on here too.

@mygreysweatshirt

A lot of the nasty comments I have received were post 8pm when the wine is going down? One 'lady' was so angry she sent me 6 messages in an hour. My crime? I told a poster not to bother with a certain members club. I now try to stay off mumsnet on a Friday night!

@KimDeals

I think it IS a mumsnet phenomenon. Threads take off on a mean vein - it’s not “a few mean posters”. I’m on Reddit and I don’t see the same meanness, nor on smaller forums. I think it comes down to moderators and what they allow.

You don't see meanness on Reddit???

@Hekatestorch

This comes up about once a month.

I have been on mn for 11 years and I would say there seems to be the odd poster that's really awful for no reason.

However, on the whole people are not. Which is representative of society. Some people are mean.

However, lots of mners are called mean or accused of piling on because the OP just doesn't like what they are hearing.

Lots of posters won't sugar coat shit. But they probably wouldn't in RL either. I would say the vast majority of the time, when poster are accused of being mean it means 'why won't you validate my ridiculousness'

I don't agree with this in the slightest, and I'm wondering if you're reflecting?

Some people come on here to bully others, they don't have to directly nasty to do so, it can be done in other ways.

I don't think most comments are mean (hate that word, sounds like we're in the playground at school) a lot are blunt but potentially the poster is expecting everyone to sympathise and when they don't get it they feel hard done by?
I have to admit, I read posts on here and deliberately don't comment as I can tell by the posters writing style and the words they use (anything with 'goodness' or 'gosh in them) that they probably wouldn't like anything I have to say!

I think it IS a mumsnet phenomenon

I joined a few FB groups and they are meaner than anything on MN. I soon left.

People really need to be more careful how they speak to others online. Their words could literally kill someone

The kindest thing for a poster who is suicidally vulnerable is to get them off a wide-open internet site and seeking help in RL.

MN is a huge, lightly moderated chat site. It's the absolute antithesis of a 'safe space'

Report anything that is a personal attack. MNHQ are brilliant about taking down anything personal. They would not allow 'you need to be sectioned ' to remain. Report!
However I agree that lots of posters come on MN to gain justification/validation when they have done something mean or foolish in real life. They then get upset when called out on it. I actually think it's dangerous to have forums that encourage people to think they are always right. Look at what happened in Plymouth after the guy posted on the incel boards.
I honestly think healthy comment, positive and negative makes posters consider a range of views rather than seeking justification for their behaviour in real life.

I don’t honestly think it’s a question of not liking what they are hearing.

I think that was possibly true even as recently as three years ago but now there is a real unpleasantness about the place which wasn’t there once. Certainly you had robust posters and you had rude ones even but overall you’d get support.

I think this is the problem - some posters try to replicate the wit from yesteryears but don’t have the skill, so just go with rudeness.

It also isn’t as simple as reporting as personal attacks. Personal attack is subjective anyway for one thing and for another when there’s a real pile on MN just remove the thread so no repercussions for the horrible posts. I wish they wouldn’t do that.

@DrSbaitso no, not yet anyway! I’m on parenting, cycling, a few others. Nothing really! Maybe I’m just on the quiet threads!

A place I DO see it is on thejournal.ie, that goes to pot on article comments within about four posts every time.

Oh MN, hmm I find there’s such nastiness with relationships threads.

If a husband looks like he’s up to no good, people post “why are you still there?” like a marriage and a life can be reorganised like a different plan for dinner… it’s a tone that takes over, of dismissiveness, of how on earth did you get into that mess… but generally speaking, sensible constructive replies come in time.

I think it’s the volume of replies that are just not at all constructive, and is probably of detrimental effect to the op. It is not right.

I do sometimes struggle with how quickly some posters are prepared to say pretty awful things about young people they know nothing about. There was one on here recently about a DD who was borrowing her mum’s clothes. Another about a boy who had purportedly done something to another child. Both were depicted by some as awful people and often by parents who were confident their children would do no such thing ever (which I think makes it all the more likely that they would but hey ho). I think mumsnet should be much more careful monitoring these threads as they are allowing awful things to be said about identifiable children.

I think some people try to be 'clever', 'scathingly witty' or 'shocking' and they fail. The comment just comes across as being rude and inappropriate.

I can come across as rude & mean. I try not to be but I get really annoyed at people who post stupid things & ask stupid questions. It's a massive character flaw of mine and I'm conscious of it every day & try to just not comment on things more often now.

There's nothing going on in my life that makes me ragey.

Some people make some easy mistakes in life and look on here for sympathy on here and then get told bluntly what don't want to hear and so are considered being mean unfortunately

This.

It's also just sheer loss of patience. Eg when you get someone posting who has been on before and has had endless excellent advice and sympathy and just keeps on making the same poor choices over and over, it's hard to hold back blunt honesty, especially if you feel that being rather bluntly truthful is perhaps what the person needs to hear, sometimes a kick in the backside is what someone needs to dig themselves out of a hole of their own making.

@StormcloakNord

I can come across as rude & mean. I try not to be but I get really annoyed at people who post stupid things & ask stupid questions. It's a massive character flaw of mine and I'm conscious of it every day & try to just not comment on things more often now.

There's nothing going on in my life that makes me ragey.

That's a brave post, @StormcloakNord. Few people would admit to being anything other than total sweetness and light.

Would they say those things to someone in real life too?
Totally irrelevant. Drivers of other vehicles wouldn’t aggressively queue jump in the post office.

One particular thread I was on a couple of months back - some of the posters advocating for their cause, would never have the balls to say their view to a person in real life.

I must say, the attempts to contradict lived experience on here in order to make themselves sound like a voice of authority (and feed their ego) is absolutely fascinating to witness.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

However, lots of mners are called mean or accused of piling on because the OP just doesn't like what they are hearing.

This is so true. I once saw an op reply how rude! to the first reply which disagreed rather politely. Honestly a lot of people still get upset when someone disagrees with them.

Exactly this.

From experience, you’ll get some like this on just about any forum, no matter what the topic. Some people just enjoy having a safe, anonymous go at other people. I often wonder whether they’re the types who’d never dare say boo to a goose in RL.