To wonder why some posters are so mean

[mygreysweatshirt]

I've used Mumsnet for a while now and generally found most posters to be nice, friendly and helpful. I've been given good advice when I've posted about certain situations that I've experienced. I've found some posters to be unnecessarily nasty though, I mean really really mean. A lot of the time it's been for absolutely no reason. I understand that some threads can get quite heated and sometimes people feel strongly about a certain subject and want to defend their opinion but I've also seen this attitude/behaviour on what should have been a lighthearted thread as well. It's almost as if people can't have a debate without insulting each other.

I often wonder is there a reason for this. Real life issues causing anger, giving them the urge to fight with random strangers online for no reason, perhaps it makes them feel good to put people down over a computer screen? Would they say those things to someone in real life too? This is in no way a goady thread. I'm genuinely curious as to why people act this way, especially to complete strangers.

Is it just me who thinks this?

There's a few things I think

• Unless they are making a specific effort not to (or have made an effort not to for so long it's second nature), people treat others like they expect to be treated themselves. Not like they want to be treated but how deep down they expect to be treated. So judgey-pants are judgey because they feel others are constantly judging them and they don't like the idea that others might "get away" without feeling the same pressure; nasty-joke people make nasty jokes at others' expense because that's what they expect others to do to them, reverse-snobs pull others down for getting above themselves because that's what they expect others think of them and so on

• Some people are over-sensitive to critcism. So they take a disagreement, or even just someone making a general criticism/different perspective on something they happen to do/be, as a personal attack and come out swinging in response.

• the aforementioned frustration when someone just is not hearing good advice and there's a temptation to say it bluntly so that they can't avoid it

• a variation on the above: feeling like you need to say something bluntly not for the OP but for other people who may be reading and take the wrong idea/advice away

• not realising how something that would come across fine face to face with the supporting face and body language comes across online

• a feeling of power - like vandalism, a way for powerless people to feel like they took power over someone by making them feel angry or bad (trolling, basically)

• there are some topics (politcal/social) people feel passionately about and have argued about many times before, so they see a poster on "the other side" as representing all those previous occasions and jump straight into the argument again

Because they can be. Key board warriors likely who wouldn't are say such things to someone's face.

*wouldn't dare

It's the Internet, it's not exclusive to Mumsnet. Anyone can sign up and post. So of course you're going to get nasty, or weird posts, along with helpful ones.

MN (or other Internet forums) are not “saying things to people’s faces” so it’s an utterly pointless comparison/observation. It sounds like the teenage girls when I was at school complaining about back biting behind their back.

Well, some posters could be members of incel or bored or from the other side of the world and drunk/drugged and just wanting to start a fight, I know I'm less tolerant if I'm angry about something myself.

Just tell yourself it's deliberate goady and ignore.

Well, the OP did refer to several examples of name calling and clear personal attack, @Planetsandstars, so I really don't see that it's 'rude' to suggest that examples of those should be reported. MNHQ won't be aware of posts like that unless they are brought to their attention.

@BigTD45

So true. I posted after I had my DC as we were staying with PIL and they were making our lives with a newborn very difficult at times.

I was suffering with PND and partner was depressed. I remember one awful person telling me that they "felt sorry for my in laws because they had to live with two mentally ill people".

That comment, stupid as it was, almost sent me over the edge. I was very ill at the time and honestly considered suicide at times.

People really need to be more careful how they speak to others online. Their words could literally kill someone.

MN and AIBU is not the place to look for help in a serious mental crisis, nor does it pretend to be. Anyone who would kill themself because of something someone else posted on here should get off the forum and seek proper professional help immediately.

I just scroll on and ignore.

It always says more about a poster and what they have going on than an OP.

What often happens is someone's asks something quite simple - the first few keyboard spy warriors are on it in seconds posting nasty replies which makes others add to it and then the posters who actually take time to read something come along.

On the whole though MN is a great place and I just ignore the ones who deliberately like to stir it up and ignore those who are nasty.

I wish everyone did and then they'd crawl back under their rocks

Some people are really nasty I have experienced it several times. What is worse is when you get a pile on. One does it then another joins in. Before you know it several people are going on at the op. People also twist what op has said or try to catch them out. I have seem things like another poster may say simlar has happen to them before then nasty poster will say yes but I don't believe this is the case with the op . And then they continue it as fact. Before you know it the few nasty posters have completely turned round what op was saying.

Also the way people ask things. if they are the posters trying to catch the op out or looking for an argument the way they asking things is just nasty. They could actually ask in a normal way and get the answer they are looking for. When people ask op in such a nasty way with sarky comments within the question there's no way I would answer because I know what they are up to.

@RoomOfRequirement

Oh yay this thread again.

The irony… I usually scroll on if I think opening a thread about something is unnecessary.

To answer your question OP, I think there are a lot of people who get a little kick out of being nasty, anonymously and hiding behind a screen they take out their frustrations on others and take pleasure in what they see as their little moments of glory. Esspecially on AIBU there are lots of goady posters who will just try to ‘unmask’ the OP as goady just for the sake of it. I can only imagine how miserable it must be to know some of them in real life.

Misery likes company

I think there can be a tendency of seeing someone's reasons for their life choices or preferences as an attack on one's own. With that said, I'm starting to loathe the phrase "each to their own" on here, because it's always tacked on to the end of a post that's full of superior condescension and judgement against anyone who does actually feel differently. You know, "Well, I had only two guests at my wedding and wore a hessian sack because to me, marriage is about intimacy and our spiritual love and I'm not one of those vulgar attention seekers who just has to wear a meringue in front of 50000 people and will clearly be divorced five minutes later, but each to their own" or equivalent.

Some people are very unpleasant. That's as true IRL as it is online.

I have been on MN for about ten years and don't really think it is a reflection of real life. Almost everyone I know in real life is polite, friendly, kind, mostly quite upbeat and generally just going about their business without making rude or sarcastic comments about others.

On MN I do find a higher proportion of people are abrupt, sarcastic, extremely gloomy, and on occasion just absolute arseholes.

I guess it's just a self-selecting group in a way, people on here are specifically here to ask questions about things in life that might be more out of the ordinary, and are inviting opinions. That isn't really replicated in my real life where people are just going about their business getting on with things.

I do also think people say things online they would moderate in life. Imagine if a group of people were chatting at work and someone asked the same thing that had been asked by someone else before, and the rest of the group said 'oh this again' accompanied by an eye roll. You would seem like a total dick, frankly.

StormcloakNord
You aren't alone. I would definitely be euphemistically termed "blunt" at times. I am a very honest person and I'm not good at softening things etc, and I also have an impatient streak so lose it slightly if people are asking completely stupid things. I'm a resilient person and can struggle to recognise who can/can't cope with a blunt truth.

Takes all sorts to make a world - I work in a career where these attributes are valued, but I do have to remind myself a lot to vary my delivery for my audience.

Is it only me who for the first time on here, wants to be mean just for the hell if it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

There's a spectrum of responses.

A handful of posters are genuinely spiteful and go looking for a fight.
A larger minority of people aren't actively mean but are post their views without necessarily thinking about how their message will land with the OP and it can come across as harsh.
Then a decent majority are robust, particularly when dealing with a topic which comes up a lot and where a poster would clearly benefit from some frank opinions (for example where an OP is being abused or taken for a mug by a man and needs a wake-up call).
Some people are triggered by what they see as stupidity (I plead guilty here when someone pops up to say "I've been with him 15 years and borne him five children, why hasn't he proposed to me?".

All said, I think its healthy to have a forum where people can be genuinely robust without fear of breaking social mores. Sometimes its harsh but its rare for it not to be constructive.

But its not for the faint hearted.

The only thing I do think which could perhaps be changed is to have a health warning on AIBU to flag that there are robust views on here and that anyone looking to be coddled and backed up, or anyone who is in real crisis, should be seeking a gentler forum.

"Grammar correctors are areseholes."

Arseholes

My least favourite poster is on this thread, she’s a right cow bag.

@BananaMilkshakeWithCream can't tell if you're joking or being serious? I wonder who?

@Topseyt

It is because they are twats. They are inadequate, so they do it to make themselves feel better.

Agree but will raise it even further by calling them dickheads (can't bring myself to use the t word which uses womens genitalia as the highest insult) 🎯🤔🥰

I can believe it could be me, I've probably offended my share of people. I can take it if it is. I'm ok with people giving me a blunt opinion, sometimes you just need to be told you're coming across too strong.

Although I do sometimes think people come on AIBU with things that would be more widely posted on chat.

Maybe when posting there should be a tick box where you select either:
A) I am seeking honest opinions & understand many will disagree with me
B) I need support/sympathy

Anything selecting B shouldnt go in AIBU.

I don't think some people mean to be nasty. There's been a couple of times when I've said things and then been jumped on for it, when I genuinely didn't mean to be horrible, I was just asking a question or making a suggestion etc. I think it's hard to read between the lines regarding intent with just a written response. I'm always a bit sad when people take what I say the wrong way because I don't mean to be like that - and I'm a psych grad who did their dissertation on how online anonymity influences behaviour, so I purposefully don't allow myself to be one of the people who writes horrible things just because there's no real life consequence!!

‘I speak as I find’ people are generally people I try to avoid, here as well as RL.