To wonder why some posters are so mean

[mygreysweatshirt]

I've used Mumsnet for a while now and generally found most posters to be nice, friendly and helpful. I've been given good advice when I've posted about certain situations that I've experienced. I've found some posters to be unnecessarily nasty though, I mean really really mean. A lot of the time it's been for absolutely no reason. I understand that some threads can get quite heated and sometimes people feel strongly about a certain subject and want to defend their opinion but I've also seen this attitude/behaviour on what should have been a lighthearted thread as well. It's almost as if people can't have a debate without insulting each other.

I often wonder is there a reason for this. Real life issues causing anger, giving them the urge to fight with random strangers online for no reason, perhaps it makes them feel good to put people down over a computer screen? Would they say those things to someone in real life too? This is in no way a goady thread. I'm genuinely curious as to why people act this way, especially to complete strangers.

Is it just me who thinks this?

I know it's not me cos I is lovely so I is

I also quietly chuckle when people say 'oh, they'd never say that in real life....they're just a key board warrior ' or some such.
Yes some people may be key board warriors however there are a lot of people that are not as.....timid as a lot of posters seem to be on MN.
How many times do you see posts saying friend A and friend B were really nasty to me on a night out and I just don't know what to do? Really? You sat there all night actually taking this shit from your friends? I know this wouldn't be how it panned out with me because I would have pulled both friends there and then, told them they were being a pair of shits and either cleared the air or told them to fuck off and gone home.
I genuinely think that the more timid MN'tters can imagine anyone behaving like this so they feel it can only happen online. The more robust MN'tters get frustrated with the timid as there never seems to be a solution to their woes as they refuse to confront anyone or anything.
Anyway, I will now sit and wait to be told I am clearly a horrible person addicted to my key board warrioring

Ddot
I am lovely, dear

[joke]

It isn’t really about being timid, though.

I think I am reasonably able to stand my ground but I don’t walk around being gratuitously rude to people, pulling faces, telling my partner to fuck off, sending long elaborate text messages and so on.

@JustGiveMeGin

I also quietly chuckle when people say 'oh, they'd never say that in real life....they're just a key board warrior ' or some such. Yes some people may be key board warriors however there are a lot of people that are not as.....timid as a lot of posters seem to be on MN. How many times do you see posts saying friend A and friend B were really nasty to me on a night out and I just don't know what to do? Really? You sat there all night actually taking this shit from your friends? I know this wouldn't be how it panned out with me because I would have pulled both friends there and then, told them they were being a pair of shits and either cleared the air or told them to fuck off and gone home. I genuinely think that the more timid MN'tters can imagine anyone behaving like this so they feel it can only happen online. The more robust MN'tters get frustrated with the timid as there never seems to be a solution to their woes as they refuse to confront anyone or anything. Anyway, I will now sit and wait to be told I am clearly a horrible person addicted to my key board warrioring

I have to agree here. I am not sure it's because text can be difficult to translate into a correct tone, but there are lots of posts like this. Whether it's friends being shit, or neigbour being shit, it is sometimes quite

Because they’re attention seeking arseholes with the emotional IQ level of dead dog who’ve taken a 5 minute break from Twitter. I used to think it was more complicated than that but it’s not.

[quote mygreysweatshirt]@BananaMilkshakeWithCream can't tell if you're joking or being serious? I wonder who? [/quote]
I’m deadly serious 😂 Under a previous username she was so nasty to me.

I do think there are some people who love to be (or just are naturally) quite rude / robust in their style. Sometimes I'll read a post, think it's a bit off, then look at the poster and click that it's somebody I'm aware of who generally posts in that manner, across the whole site.

Sometimes OPs get upset that threads aren't going the way they'd hoped (the timid posters mention above is a good example) or the OP keeps batting suggestions of solutions away, and actually seemingly doesn't seem to want help / assistance in solving whatever issue has riled them so badly they've felt the need to post about it. People posting firmly on those threads aren't necessarily nasty or rude, but the OP perceives them as such because they aren't pandering to their timidity / refusal to accept solutions.

There can be a fine line which is easily crossed - particularly subjectively - when looking at these types of posts.

If anyone cares about a tone they find nasty, they shouldn't be on an internet forum frankly, it doesn't matter.

Some people are nasty.
Some people are blunt.
Some posts come across more direct than they were meant to be.
Some posts are there as a laugh, but taken too seriously.
Some people are precious and can't stand a disagreement.

Some posters get miffed because they get a genuine answer, not the politically correct people would come up with in real life. You get what people normally think or say behind your back. Sometimes, it's not pleasant, but don't ask if you don't want to know.

I’m deadly serious 😂 Under a previous username she was so nasty to me.

I am not surprised.

I haven't recognise the names I am thinking about on this thread, but I have seen the same username consistently trying to start fights and get people banned on other threads. It's actually quite weird.

Not the same as other posters often popping up with quite blunt opinion, but there's a couple of GF just on this forum for a fight. That's internet, what can you do.

You get what people normally think or say behind your back

I’d be taking a long, hard look at myself and getting counselling if I thought or spoke about other people in the same way some on here post.

@NoWordForFluffy

I do think there are some people who love to be (or just are naturally) quite rude / robust in their style. Sometimes I'll read a post, think it's a bit off, then look at the poster and click that it's somebody I'm aware of who generally posts in that manner, across the whole site.

Sometimes OPs get upset that threads aren't going the way they'd hoped (the timid posters mention above is a good example) or the OP keeps batting suggestions of solutions away, and actually seemingly doesn't seem to want help / assistance in solving whatever issue has riled them so badly they've felt the need to post about it. People posting firmly on those threads aren't necessarily nasty or rude, but the OP perceives them as such because they aren't pandering to their timidity / refusal to accept solutions.

There can be a fine line which is easily crossed - particularly subjectively - when looking at these types of posts.

I think the thing is though the op does not have to take advice. There could be 10 posters advising the same thing . Op may say no that does not work for me. There could be 5 other posters suggesting something different that may work for the op. But then the op gets accused of not taking advice and gets piled on. When op does not have to take advice. But may take away the bits that are helpful to her.

Very few people actually say what they really think in real life.
If you post asking what people think of name Sunnie - Rae people will tell you (first 3 posts will contain words chavvy, needs a proper name for her cv, won’t be a Judge/Brain surgeon) but if your cousin announces her grandchild is called that you just say congratulations or that’s unusual.

AIBU has always been a bear pit but as PPs have said, that's seeping across the whole site now and some vulnerable people on boards meant to be more supportive spaces end up getting an unpleasant kicking because Fanny Fierce Fingers hides behind the anonymity of a username and decides to "tell it like it is".

It's similar to when I see threads in Chat that are obviously meant as a bit of a lighthearted diversion, with an OP maybe - and obviously - exaggerating a little for comic effect, and there'll be a parade of fun sponges nitpicking, grousing and spectacularly missing the point.

@MaMelon

You get what people normally think or say behind your back

I’d be taking a long, hard look at myself and getting counselling if I thought or spoke about other people in the same way some on here post.

perfect example, if someone was saying that in real life, I would just smile and keep my thoughts to myself. On here, I think I would tell you that you are being completely ridiculous and over-reacting

Send them to counselling? because you don't agree with what they think?

Send them to counselling? because you don't agree with what they think? grin

No - as I said, I'd be taking a long hard look at myself and getting counselling. I would hate my thought processes to be as twisted and vile as some on here.

I think the thing is though the op does not have to take advice. There could be 10 posters advising the same thing . Op may say no that does not work for me. There could be 5 other posters suggesting something different that may work for the op. But then the op gets accused of not taking advice and gets piled on. When op does not have to take advice. But may take away the bits that are helpful to her.

There are different ways of not wanting to take advice though. There's flat out ignoring / saying no, or explaining why something won't work. It's - generally - human nature to want to help and the offered help isn't always accepted in good grace.

I cannot see a reason for posting if you aren't after help, mind you!

@Planetsandstars no where in my post did I say I do any of these things:
don’t walk around being gratuitously rude to people, pulling faces, telling my partner to fuck off, sending long elaborate text messages and so on.
Why would you think I do? Very bizarre!

@daisychain01

being shit down in flames

obviously the word is shot, not shit - yet another justification for an edit button, but that's never gonna happen

@daisychain01 Thinking I’m quite liking shit down in flames

I don’t think you personally do at all, @JustGiveMeGin, I meant generally across the site.

Whilst there are definitely posters who go too far - the example of someone getting several private messages about a fairly innocuous thread being the obvious one - I tend to agree that a lot of the posters being decried as ‘mean ’ are actually just not telling the OP what they want to hear. I don’t understand the ‘They’d never say it to your face in real life ’ argument. Surely half the point of the anonymous forum is that you will hear things you wouldn’t hear in real life? That the advice you get is honest and unrestricted, because you won’t be sitting opposite that person in the pub on Friday?

Also, I’ve noticed that the people who complain about the so-called meanness are very quick to jump on it and respond in kind. They could ignore it; they could rise above it. But because they ‘called them out’ on it, they feel superior, like they stood up for the little guy - just because a poster didn’t agree with their exact version of #bekind.

Did anyone see the thread from the poster who was woken at 5am by her in-laws because their dog had died? The responses were pretty split, but those in favour of the in-laws were more than a little OTT in the ‘How could you be so cruel, have some compassion!’ stakes. I agreed with the OP and said I’d have been furious.

Well, that was it. A couple of people leapt on that one word and told me how terrible I was; how I must hate my family and have terrible relationships with them. When I fought back, the ring leader replied that she’d looked up my posts and that I ‘had a history of getting very angry on behalf of others’. Her little friend chimes in with ‘Ooh, interesting!’

In their eyes, I was the big horrible meanie because I wouldn’t have dropped everything for a dead dog, and they’d ‘called me out’ on it. But what’s meaner - sharing an honest opinion, or following someone around the site and publicly criticising their posting history because you don’t agree with that opinion?

I think in that instance the ‘mean’ posters were the ones attacking you, @WomanStanleyWoman, but by and large that’s the point - I don’t think we are disagreeing.

You will post something and then something will get twisted or taken out of its context and you get some really horrible messages, like ‘I feel sorry for your kids’ - reasonable if the poster has mentioned chaining them in the basement for the duration of the summer holidays but mostly it’s just a normal person a bit fed up.

My personal bugbear is people who don’t read the thread and pipe up with something like ‘why can’t your DS stay home alone?’ when it’s already been explained he is three, or something. I find it really hard to stay patient and polite when people can’t be bothered to read or worse, misread (I remember a really rude poster once who couldn’t accept she’d made a mistake and read Year 9 as age 9) and still keep insisting they are right.

I also think some posters sense when someone’s at a low ebb and start goading them on purpose.

I’ve given up hope with MN dealing with the worst offenders though. If permitted, I’d post their names here and I bet everyone would agree

I think it's more than just thinking someone is mean because they've disagreed with you though (although not doubting that will be it for some posters). There's a way of getting across a dissenting opinion without turning into a complete cunt.

An example of the sort of thing I consider 'mean' is something I saw on a "should I go to A&E?" thread. Someone replied saying "don't be ridiculous OP, people like you are the reason the NHS is on its knees". You have to assume the author of that comment believed the OP to be genuine (because why bother posting on a thread if you think it's a troll?) so how is that a helpful or constructive comment to someone worried/in pain/ill? Even if you don't think A&E is the answer, what's the problem in saying "IMO it doesn't sound like it warrants a trip to A&E" or similar? Gets the same viewpoint across without being shitty about it. Some people just jump at the chance to bash.

It comes in waves really. I've been here a long time under many names and there's always the odd arsehole. Most people are nice.

Everyone has a different idea of 'mean'. For example, I pointed out that this thread is done at least a couple of times a month, and some say that was 'ironic' implying I was being mean. I wasn't, but it is tiresome to come on here and have different people complaining that we're so 'mean' all of the time. It's not true.

I don't personally attack but I can be blunt. Some would say that was mean. Alternatively some of the threads on here are ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. People post the most asinine nonsense, or almost unbelievable situations, or have acted in a way which is stupid, or even dangerous. I'm not sure if pointing that out is mean.

Also, I often see OPs complain posters are being 'mean' when they disagree with them, or are not completely 'yes hun you do you xxx'.