To wonder why some posters are so mean

[mygreysweatshirt]

I've used Mumsnet for a while now and generally found most posters to be nice, friendly and helpful. I've been given good advice when I've posted about certain situations that I've experienced. I've found some posters to be unnecessarily nasty though, I mean really really mean. A lot of the time it's been for absolutely no reason. I understand that some threads can get quite heated and sometimes people feel strongly about a certain subject and want to defend their opinion but I've also seen this attitude/behaviour on what should have been a lighthearted thread as well. It's almost as if people can't have a debate without insulting each other.

I often wonder is there a reason for this. Real life issues causing anger, giving them the urge to fight with random strangers online for no reason, perhaps it makes them feel good to put people down over a computer screen? Would they say those things to someone in real life too? This is in no way a goady thread. I'm genuinely curious as to why people act this way, especially to complete strangers.

Is it just me who thinks this?

@NiceGerbil

Grammar correctors are areseholes.

I mean that's all there is to it.

And if they're derailing threads or attacking other posters their unhelpful contributions are deleted if they're reported.

@NiceGerbil, I agree. I can be a bit of a pedant, but I would never dream of correcting someone's grammar, especially when they're clearly anxious or upset about something. Some people have English as a second language. Some people struggled at school for a whole variety of reasons. It's horrible to kick someone when they're down. Some posters have such an air of superiority. I bet they're not like that in real life, and if they are, God help their families!

Keyboard warriors, OP, they aren't ever going to meet the OP in RL so they feel they can say anything they like, any way they like and that person they're talking to isn't "real".

On the other hand people do open themselves up to being shit down in flames, starting threads on hot topics such as being the OW and expecting "sympathy" - those posters get their arse handed to them on a plate every.time. God knows why they think they'll get any sympathy on here. They obviously haven't read the Relationships board where 80% of posters are there because their husband is being unfaithful.

So you have to look at individual threads to be able to answer the question "why are people so mean on here", it isn't always clear cut.

being shit down in flames

obviously the word is shot, not shit - yet another justification for an edit button, but that's never gonna happen

I think there's a far decent group of people on here than most places to be honest but people are shit and will always do shit things to other people for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than because they want to.

Some are just contrary and have to chip in and be the one that riles and upsets folk but honestly, I find them to be few and far between with most of their shit quickly jumped on by the rest.

No matter where you go or what you do, there is always the token bellend out there.

@ilovesooty

If you see personal attacks, report them.

Nine times out of ten it isn’t personal attacks.

Your post, for example, isn’t a personal attack, but it is rude, abrupt and posted with the aim of shutting the OP down, so is probably quite a good example of what she means.

In general I think that some posters long to be noticed, but lack wit or the ability to be supportive so go for sheer rudeness - the ‘shock factor’ - to get their post noticed. Some may genuinely believe it helps, under the guise of ‘tough love’ or similar. Others just like to give a hard time.

What’s depressing is that an AIBU mentality has seeped onto the rest of the site. I’m sure some posters wait refreshing the page looking for threads they can leap on with glee!

Obvs you don’t know who’s behind the keyboard, but it feels as though some people post with a real lack of empathy and desire to belittle. To me that feels like a reflection of real life where some people’s own insecurity makes them quick to criticise.

However, lots of mners are called mean or accused of piling on because the OP just doesn't like what they are hearing.

This is so true. I once saw an op reply how rude! to the first reply which disagreed rather politely. Honestly a lot of people still get upset when someone disagrees with them.

What’s depressing is that an AIBU mentality has seeped onto the rest of the site.

That's so true. In AIBU we're more or less invited to give the OP a reality check; presumably they're asking Mumsnet for unbiased opinions, for and against. It's well known as a place where you'll get your arse handed to you if you're being a twat.

But increasingly I see women go to what should be safe and supportive boards, like Relationships, and get the same no-holds-barred responses. Even if they flag in their OP that they're feeling really down, vulnerable, at the end of their tether. You'll see some OPs begging responders to be kind, they can't bear the thought of another kicking. And still, the arseholes file in all buoyed up from AIBU, and kick away. It's disgusting.

If everyone agreed with an OP and gushed sweetness, no one would bother to read a thread. Personal attacks are not allowed so do report if someone has makes a nasty comment not to do with the topic. Moderators take down these kind of comments very quickly.
I don't like the double standards on here. If you post in a certain section and have a view which is opposed to the majority, you can get a lot of personal attacks but again, do report. I find it frustrating that on certain boards posters just echo each other and perhaps gain an unrealistic perception of a topic. Occasionally, a man will post and be shouted down, which to be fair, some posters try to behave honourably and point out the MN is for everyone and is designed to support parents.
I think if a poster is genuinely in trouble and sends a cry for help, most posters are very supportive.

Because when you are posting anonymously with strangers it can feel like a "safer" way to discharge negative emotions. Many people have no outlet for this in RL so this place is fair game to them and probably makes them feel better to do so. I suspect that's one of the reasons, anyway.

they aren't ever going to meet the OP in RL so they feel they can say anything they like, any way they like and that person they're talking to isn't "real".

Absolutely this. They can detach from their horrible words because the person is essentially a nameless faceless entity.

There are no repercussions on the internet.

They can't get punched in the face.

I think its lonely people wanting interaction. Sad init

I think it IS a mumsnet phenomenon. Threads take off on a mean vein - it’s not “a few mean posters”. I’m on Reddit and I don’t see the same meanness, nor on smaller forums. I think it comes down to moderators and what they allow.

I had a run in with a particularly nasty poster a couple of weeks ago (not this username, I won’t be using that one again).

Personal insults for absolutely no reason. I’m sure that being awful to strangers on the internet is how they get their kicks 🤷‍♀️

Most poster aren’t like that. Some have strong opinions, but most don’t lower themselves to personal insults, just like in real life. Most people are ok, but you’ll always get the odd dick.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

However, lots of mners are called mean or accused of piling on because the OP just doesn't like what they are hearing.

This is so true. I once saw an op reply how rude! to the first reply which disagreed rather politely. Honestly a lot of people still get upset when someone disagrees with them.

Well put.

The other day a poster complained that they didn't like the responses on a thread they had started and so were going to ask MN to delete the thread, which they did.

For me, it's the swearing that is odious. Something very innocuous can have "F-k the f-k off" as the first response. It is weird. Do these posters swear like this in RL?
I also got run off a thread for discussing my own child's particular learning difficulty. What do I know about it etc. All this grief from teachers.
Not unique to MN though.

It cirellates with the influx of unreasonable OPs as well. I realised that lately more OPs come here looking for agreement that their behaviour wasn't shit and the others were in a wrong. "AIBU or just hormonal? Hahah" makes my eyes roll... Some of it is because they clocked onto certain level of man haring from some posters so they know they will get "yanbu to hide half your wages from your husband, while ensuring his all go into joint account" style agreements, which of course brings in people actively dissagreeing in.

There is also now Incredible amount of troll OPs and I think people just view lots of posts as that.

I have had some excellent advice but also been called a liar (how would they know?) financially dishonest and insulted for my so say privileged background. However on two occasions other MNrs reported the abusive posts before I saw them. Thank God as I was very vulnerable at the time and had no one to talk to. I belong to two other forums where they actually know who I am and I have only ever had one nasty comment in 5 years.

Totally agree! There was one yesterday where a lady put up a photo of her hospital food, not slating it, it was in chat and it was a good idea for a thread! The amount of people being snarky 🙄

Agreed @AtticusHoysAnus

I'm definitely not talking about rude posters or grammar correctors, although their annoying to! I've already given examples up thread of what I consider as nasty/mean.

@NiceGerbil

Grammar correctors are areseholes.

I mean that's all there is to it.

Totally agree with this too! I mean, what are they doing, trying to prove that they're more intelligent than the rest of us?

Come on, calling someone unhinged or saying that they need to be sectioned (clearly as a dig and not a genuine concern for the op) is nasty? Rude, yes, but definitely very mean in my eyes.

Yes it’s all over every thread. It’s quite depressing really to see how many people are so keen to be sarcastic or look for any possible thing they can twist into a weakness. I guess they think they’re clever but have no awareness of how they make people feel. Probably quite lonely in RL.