4YO Daughter sleeping issues that wife won’t acknowledge

[Msti34]

Hi all, my daughter is 4 and her sleeping is awful. She wakes up each night at least twice from about 9.30pm, and has ended up in our spare bed with my wife every night for the past 3 years or so - my wife might spend 30 minutes in bed with me on a good night before she disappears.

My wife refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem and every time I raise it she thinks I’m a monster; she simply doesn’t want to make it any better. It’s affecting our sex life (less than once a month!), our intimacy and obviously our marriage.

My wife puts her to bed every night, she lies in bed with her singing her nursery rhymes and letting her play with her hair until she drops off. I’ve suggested that this is the problem as I feel like when my daughter wakes up she doesn’t know how to settle herself and I’m concerned that this will just go on and on. My wife refuses to try letting her fall asleep by herself; she disagrees that she needs to do this and thinks I’m totally unreasonable for asking it.

I don’t know where to turn any more. I’ve told how unhappy it makes me but she doesn’t seem to care at all and just thinks I’m being a b*stard for suggesting that my daughter should fall asleep by herself. I feel like I’m not being unreasonable by suggesting she should and that every child is like this.

Please help for the sake of my marriage!!

Maybe their aren’t many positives in his eyes?
It doesn't sound like he's bothered to find out what the positives are for his wife. I can't say it enough: He needs to find out what his wife is getting out of this arrangement. As a unit it should have also been a positive for him. Once he has figured that out then it becomes easier to say "but this part of our lives has no balance". Being dismissive of his wife's preferences is not going to endear her to his preferences.

And as this child’s parent he’s allowed to say that. And it is controlling to deny one parent any say in an important issue.
True but if he isn't allowing his wife to say what it is that's important to her about the setup or if he isn't listening then she will resist! It does sound like anything she says will be met with a "others do it this way" rather than "I'll work to ensure xyz as well as ".

And who says it’s a “working system”? It’s not working for them as a family.
She is. She is saying it with every fiber in her being and someone isn't listening. Whatever she has taken into account from his perspective is not recounted here. either it is being taken for granted or he doesn't even know she's doing it for him as well. He needs to find out why she thinks this is working. He needs to find a lot of things before applying solutions.

Most people know a mother who has martyred themselves. They do everything for the dc's and give up everything for the dc's. They don't let their DH/partner have any say in parenting their own child. I know a couple of mums like this. In fact I was one myself when my youngest was a baby. I would complain about how DH wasn't pulling his weight with parenting, how he didn't know basic things about her routine and how hard it was for me. Then one day DH said "well I would if you'd let me, everything I do is wrong". And then I realised that I was making everything so much harder for myself by being controlling. I made a conscious effort to let him get on with it, not criticise and to listen to his opinions on how we should parent. Their bond grew, DH's confidence grew and things got an awful lot easier for me.

From what the OP has said, I recognise this "mummy martyr" attitude in his dw. I could be wrong of course but that's what it sounds like to me.

@MissyB1 my point was more that I hate it when people tell you to change something but don’t offer any constructive advice.
For example

DD needs to sleep alone. This is ridiculous, we’re all tired.

Vs

DD needs more sleep and so do we. I’ve been looking into it and how about WE try this.

It doesn't sound like he's bothered to find out what the positives are for his wife. I can't say it enough: He needs to find out what his wife is getting out of this arrangement.

What if she's continuing to do it because it's just the way she's always done it? It might have been a positive at the time, as it helped the DD sleep, but now it's just become part of the routine. I don't think the OP is wrong to suggest a different bedtime routine, especially if it has the benefit of helping to reduce the burden on the DW.

This setup works out best for whatever reason. And I suspect that the wife has this setup so that he can go to work rested. It could also be for restful evenings, peaceful mornings or just to have a happy kid or whatever else she thinks the family needs right now.

But it doesn't work best because OP isn't happy, and surely it's on him to decide how rested he needs to be? How come his wife gets to unilaterally decide what she thinks the family needs right now, even when he has literally expressed unhappiness with the current situation? He is also a member of the family.

OP has already said he does do bathtime and stories but his daughter will only accept his wife when she has to settle and go to sleep. He has wanted to change it but his wife says no, and without her on-side it's impossible because DD will know this and will continue kicking off until she gets her mum. It sounds like he's trying to do his bit and help make this change, but for whatever reason his wife doesn't want it.

There is compromise available here, if it is wanted by both sides. OP and his wife could start a new routine where they take turns sitting with DD while she falls asleep the first time, but when she wakes up through the night they could spend time resettling her rather than climbing straight into bed and sleeping with her all night, every night.

However, it sounds like OP's wife is happy with this regardless of how he feels about it and there isn't likely to be a change if she's really not worried about his feelings.

She's creating a rod for her back because the child won't sleep without her.

Too many assumptions there. The child won't sleep at night if dad does bedtime is more accurate. We do not know if the child sleeps for anyone else.
Notably, one of my kids only sleeps at night when I'm there. But will happily lay down and sleep at nursery for any keyworker.

If the night time sleep is the only issue then this will resolve itself very soon from my experience and
If the parents agree they can't wait then there are definitely other ways of cosleeping with older children so you get an evening between adults.
There is no rod here.
Co sleeping parents don't usually work on sleep schedules but we do build in time limits so children know what to expect when. I'll be up after my cup of tea is a classic BUT
I can't say this enough: OP needs to work with his wife not challenge her "questionable parenting practices"

It doesn't sound like he's bothered to find out what the positives are for his wife. I can't say it enough: He needs to find out what his wife is getting out of this arrangement.

I'd guess that it's easier and less stressful for her to continue than to try and change it? It sounds like DD cries and plays up if her mum doesn't sit with her until she falls asleep, and I'd assume when she wakes up it's easier for mum to climb into bed with her so she settles back to sleep, rather than sitting there for ages trying to calm her and get her back to sleep until the next time when they have to do it all over again.

It does make sense. But equally I don't think you can just continue doing this when your husband/wife is not happy with it and it's massively affecting your relationship with them.

They need to work together to find a solution, and definitely push OP to be a bigger part of the bedtime routine so that he's at least able to put his daughter to bed.

Right has someone how went through this. She's ont actively avoiding you she's helping her little child to feel same in the night
Boo boo it's affecting your sex life we didn't have sex for 5years due to our child not sleeping for 5years.
Until the child sleeps on her own you aren't having sex and your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jollys

your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jolly
Not enough to make an effort in keeping her marriage together though, it would seem.

@Lockeddownagain

Right has someone how went through this. She's ont actively avoiding you she's helping her little child to feel same in the night Boo boo it's affecting your sex life we didn't have sex for 5years due to our child not sleeping for 5years. Until the child sleeps on her own you aren't having sex and your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jollys

What a thoroughly unhealthy "marriage".

Why do people assume that because a 4 year old needs mum next to them they will ‘never be able to self soothe?’ I co slept with mine and I don’t show up to sleepovers with DS11 and climb in his sleeping bag to cuddle him off to sleep.

Oh so to be putting our kids first we are supposed to be giving up our sex lives now according to @Lockeddownagain

Bloody hell only on mumsnet is it a crime to want a sex life! 🙄

@Lockeddownagain

Right has someone how went through this. She's ont actively avoiding you she's helping her little child to feel same in the night Boo boo it's affecting your sex life we didn't have sex for 5years due to our child not sleeping for 5years. Until the child sleeps on her own you aren't having sex and your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jollys

Is this a happy marriage?!

If you want to remain married you are still meant to care about your other half too, as well as your child :-/

My DS wasn’t great at settling himself to sleep at around four. But he was old enough for us to be able to talk to him about it, and say how we were all going to work towards him falling asleep by himself, because he was old enough to be doing that now. And we needed to make a change before a second baby came along and made bedtimes even more complicated. It worked. I think you need to talk to your DD about it, all together so your DW needs to be on board too, and move forward.

@Lockeddownagain

Right has someone how went through this. She's ont actively avoiding you she's helping her little child to feel same in the night Boo boo it's affecting your sex life we didn't have sex for 5years due to our child not sleeping for 5years. Until the child sleeps on her own you aren't having sex and your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jollys

Don't give up the day job to become a marriage counselor, will you?

@Lockeddownagain

Right has someone how went through this. She's ont actively avoiding you she's helping her little child to feel same in the night Boo boo it's affecting your sex life we didn't have sex for 5years due to our child not sleeping for 5years. Until the child sleeps on her own you aren't having sex and your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jollys

That's not normal. Having a baby is a huge upheaval for many couples, but this sounds like you used your child as a way to check out of your relationship.

@Lockeddownagain

Right has someone how went through this. She's ont actively avoiding you she's helping her little child to feel same in the night Boo boo it's affecting your sex life we didn't have sex for 5years due to our child not sleeping for 5years. Until the child sleeps on her own you aren't having sex and your wife cares more about her baby than you getting your jollys

Well this just sounds miserable. No wonder your so angry.

I'm happily married but I had a shit 5years with no support from anyone about my life cos people don't believe a baby not sleeping ruins your live. We didn't sleep more then hours a night in 5years. People just don't like the truth

We didn't sleep more then hours a night in 5years. People just don't like the truth

That might be the case for you, but it's really not the norm for most parents. 5 years of no more than a few hours sleep and no sex might have been your experience, but it's wrong to say it's the truth, because for the vast majority of parents it's not.

@Lockeddownagain

I'm happily married but I had a shit 5years with no support from anyone about my life cos people don't believe a baby not sleeping ruins your live. We didn't sleep more then hours a night in 5years. People just don't like the truth

Your previous posts certainly don't seem to show you in a happy marriage, as you say unsurprisingly, you are more like flat mates and your upset about it.

It seems strange that you acknowledge this is what's happened to your relationship but you are basically saying it's no big deal not having sex.

You are able to me a good parent and have sex and a good relationship with your partner.

The OP asked for advice how to improve things, just saying "tough get on with it", is not helpful and it has not made you happy, has it?

Did you go back and read my posts to prove me wrong??? we've had tough times but we went through the mill. But this guy is going through the mill and everyone telling him his wife is avoiding him is rubbish she's ot she's putting her child first

I wouldn't allow my child to disrupt my night like this, absolutely not. They have to learn to go to sleep on their own, neither would my own mother tolerate this.
I work full time so being up half the night wouldn't work for me.
However it sounds to me like the OP only cares about his sex life and nothing else. It sounds like his wife is actively avoiding him so you have to wonder what that's all about, maybe she is sick of his libido and demands.
And she also has two children vying for her attention, I'm afraid you don't sound like a very engaged father.
My sister's children would happily go to either of their parents to be settled.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I wouldn't allow my child to disrupt my night like this, absolutely not. They have to learn to go to sleep on their own, neither would my own mother tolerate this. I work full time so being up half the night wouldn't work for me. However it sounds to me like the OP only cares about his sex life and nothing else. It sounds like his wife is actively avoiding him so you have to wonder what that's all about, maybe she is sick of his libido and demands. And she also has two children vying for her attention, I'm afraid you don't sound like a very engaged father. My sister's children would happily go to either of their parents to be settled.

I dunno if it's just sex life, OP has said that is a by-product of the whole nighttime situation.

It sounds like the bedtime routine is taking up most of the evening and then there is only a short time before DD is awake again at 9.30 and OP's wife is out of their bed and into hers.

I can imagine if he's out all day, gets in at 6/7, then bedtime routine is an hour+ and then DD is awake again by 9.30 and his wife gets in bed with her straight away then that's not just a sex life problem, that's your whole relationship isn't it? DD is 4 so no naps anymore to even have time alone together during the day at the weekend.

I wouldn't be happy if my DP was doing this every single night and didn't even think it was an issue, and also wouldn't discuss changing it to improve things. They can't even get a babysitter for the evening and go out.

I think I would feel the same as OP.

@Lockeddownagain

Did you go back and read my posts to prove me wrong??? we've had tough times but we went through the mill. But this guy is going through the mill and everyone telling him his wife is avoiding him is rubbish she's ot she's putting her child first

Yes, advanced search is there for a reason.

I think you've been very unfair to the OP by saying boo hoo, she won't give you your jollys.

A mutually enjoyable sex life is part of a happy marriage and the OPs heading for a very unhappy marriage, he is not happy.

He has asked how to deal with it, not asked what makes an unhappy marriage.

@Shelovesamystery

Most people know a mother who has martyred themselves. They do everything for the dc's and give up everything for the dc's. They don't let their DH/partner have any say in parenting their own child. I know a couple of mums like this. In fact I was one myself when my youngest was a baby. I would complain about how DH wasn't pulling his weight with parenting, how he didn't know basic things about her routine and how hard it was for me. Then one day DH said "well I would if you'd let me, everything I do is wrong". And then I realised that I was making everything so much harder for myself by being controlling. I made a conscious effort to let him get on with it, not criticise and to listen to his opinions on how we should parent. Their bond grew, DH's confidence grew and things got an awful lot easier for me.

From what the OP has said, I recognise this "mummy martyr" attitude in his dw. I could be wrong of course but that's what it sounds like to me.

Yup. This is very similar to what I was going f to write.