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Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 22/08/2021 16:09

@summersending... It is a long shot but maybe phone the place and explain.

Dear alternative centre,

I know that you are under no obligation to refund but here is the situation. My relative has bought an expensive well intentioned gift for me and I do not want to embarrass or offend him by returning it to him. I have been given £300 worth of gift vouchers for your centre. I have recently become a mother and will go back to work next week, and I cannot see time in my schedule to make use of these vouchers. I have looked at what you offer and also taken account of the time it would take me to get to and from appointments and with the best will in the world, this is not something I can do at this point in my life. I do not really wish to advertise them for sale on social media, again, to save the awkwardness with my relative so I would kindly ask you to consider allowing me to return these vouchers to you and in return you to pay me a percentage of their value. I know that this is an unusual request and if circumstances were different with my relative, I would approach them directly to do this. I hope. you will give this request due consideration before responding.

Redsquirrel5 · 22/08/2021 16:09

My GP does acupuncture. It is great. Unusual that they don’t have a massage therapist or aromatherapist. Have you asked? If you could get something like that every week or even every month it would be lovely. I doubt if they will refund any. What about other things...seaweed wrap my sister had one and said it was amazing.

It is a lot of money to spend he must be very fond of you. Perhaps gently tell him it is a lot and give him a figure that would acceptable.
Could you go with a couple of friends?

namechanging202020 · 22/08/2021 16:10

I would maybe phone them yourself and explain that he's vulnerable and didn't really understand what he was doing. Then ask if there's anyway they would refund in this situation. Surely they will ? If they agree then give him a call. Good luck

newmum0808 · 22/08/2021 16:22

I love reflexology. Think of it as a few sessions of foot massages and enjoy.

TempName01 · 22/08/2021 16:22

You definitely need to tell him or you would have to lie about going and that then leaves the risk of him buying you more vouchers! Be honest, say you don’t have time as you have a baby - or lie and say the GP advised against acupuncture

welcome2021 · 22/08/2021 16:28

I'd sell them (eBay?). Or donate them as a raffle prize.

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 16:37

@TempName01

You definitely need to tell him or you would have to lie about going and that then leaves the risk of him buying you more vouchers! Be honest, say you don’t have time as you have a baby - or lie and say the GP advised against acupuncture
it would have to be more than acupuncture, its a mixed therapies centre
HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 16:37

"Just try it op"

"I'd rather not"

"Oh go on, try it, you probably don't know much about it but actually it's really good"

"I don't want to and I don't have time to"

"Oh go on, it's not really problem is it? "

"I don't want to, I'd find it unpleasant and inconvenient"

"Oh go on, only cold and difficult people don't like trying new things"

"I don't want to, I know what I like and don't like"

"Go on or you might offend your relative"

"No thanks"

"You sound uptight op"

Hmm
NoSquirrels · 22/08/2021 16:42

@namechanging202020

I would maybe phone them yourself and explain that he's vulnerable and didn't really understand what he was doing. Then ask if there's anyway they would refund in this situation. Surely they will ? If they agree then give him a call. Good luck
I don’t think the OP has said he’s vulnerable.

She’s said he’s bought her a wildly expensive gift that he is sure she’d like but has misjudged it. That may be because he’d like it and he’s ASD so a bit fixed on this and helping her sore back.

But OP hasn’t suggested he didn’t know what he was buying. It seems he 100% did know and meant to buy this - it was his idea.

It’s just a gift the OP doesn’t like. She can either go or not go, and give the vouchers away or not. She can tell him to ask for a refund if she wants him not to be out of pocket. But suggestions that the venue compensate her for not liking the gift seems off to me.

It’s not the venue’s fault - they didn’t coerce her relative into parting with £300. He wanted to give OP this gift.

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 16:46

I think this is so sad

He was so excited to give these to you. I think he’d be really hurt if you didn’t use them

I would accept them graciously. If you use them great. If you don’t. Either regift them. Or sell them. But whatever you do. Don’t tell him

He didn’t gift you £300 in cash. He gifted you these.

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 16:49

@Leftphalange

You're coming across as quite ungrateful. This is his gift- use it or don't use it but smile and say thanks.

Personally I'd take a partner / friend and find something to try.

This

You say how your almost cross because he got these for you

You do mention how he’d be terribly hurt by you not using them.

I’m sorry. But I think you’re coming across ungrateful. I’ll have the vouchers and use them. I love acupuncture!

ConsuelaHammock · 22/08/2021 16:49

Oh that’s a tricky situation. I wouldn’t like this as a gift either and £300 is too much money to waste. I’d be tempted to speak to your relative and explain that ‘thoughtful as the vouchers are they aren’t for me’. I’m afraid I’d be encouraging him to seek a refund.

Calmdown14 · 22/08/2021 16:55

Presumably these things don't take hours. Surely they do evenings?
Or for your weekend, can't you find something to do as a family close by?
Your OH could take baby for a walk for half an hour while you do Pilates or whatever.
Pilates is brilliant for bad backs. Use the voucher on an expensive one to one session. Then you might take a few useful exercises you can do at home going forward.
Then you can just tell him it's helped but you can now do it at home so he won't buy any more.
It's a lovely gesture. It could help. It takes an hour. You are being massively OTT about the impact on your life

HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 16:58

@Calmdown14

Presumably these things don't take hours. Surely they do evenings? Or for your weekend, can't you find something to do as a family close by? Your OH could take baby for a walk for half an hour while you do Pilates or whatever. Pilates is brilliant for bad backs. Use the voucher on an expensive one to one session. Then you might take a few useful exercises you can do at home going forward. Then you can just tell him it's helped but you can now do it at home so he won't buy any more. It's a lovely gesture. It could help. It takes an hour. You are being massively OTT about the impact on your life
Why are you insisting that it takes an hour? The OP has explained the practicalities - why "presumably" is she wrong?
Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 16:59

[quote summersending]@pigeonpies you are really getting on my nerves now and I don’t mind admitting that.

No one is saying he is trying to rape me Hmm

What we are saying is that as women a lot of the time we are railroaded into doing things we don’t want to in order to be ‘nice.’ At one extreme of that is the sort of regime loved by the taliban, where women have no rights and no powers.

Clearly that isn’t happening here but there is something rather uncomfortable in shut up woman, do what this (man) wants you to, at least you’re not in Afghanistan iyswim.

But I am pretty pissed off at that being brought onto my thread. It has no relevance at all. This is a genuine sort of dilemma where I have no wish to hurt a vulnerable person but equally don’t want to use the gift.[/quote]
If you really don’t want to hurt him

Then just take the gift and either donate it. Schools fairs love this sort of gift

I work for a charity and we use this in a raffle.

So there’s two places you can donate it too.

myheartskippedabeat · 22/08/2021 16:59

How about donating them to a local charity to use as a raffle prize?

MrsBumm · 22/08/2021 16:59

I get the frustration of having something you don't want which takes up your precious time.

But I think it's a completely reasonable and even very thoughtful gift for someone with a slipped disc and a small baby - pilates and acupuncture are both good for you, and are expensive, so might be a luxury for most to have. And I can't believe they don't do some kind of massage. (Also, by the by, acupuncture for fertility is by no means the worst racket infertile people are subject to, and might even help a few...)

Your frustration with the situation sounds a bit disproportionate. It's like he has got you a posh cashmere jumper you dislike- either wear it and suck it up or give it to someone else, and just say it's not me. But you seem to be annoyed because I think on some level you know you're not being very reasonable in not giving it a go. It isn't what you'd have tried, but it's a legit thing to try. He's not suggested crystal healing or the Alpha Course.

HyggeTygge · 22/08/2021 17:01

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way, op, by not doing something you actively don't want to do, just because someone bought you something.

I'm actually quite amazed at some of these replies.

FlumpsAreShit · 22/08/2021 17:03

I don't know why this is any more of a deal of the millions of boots gift sets we have all received. You pass it on, pop in in a drawer and forget or give it to a raffle. In fact a raffle or silent auction donation might be perfect. You'd get some serious brownie points.

And I'd just tell a white lie and say you did the acupuncture, thank you so kind etc etc, but no the back isn't better. I understand why you don't want to spend time doing something you've no interest in but in my experience gifts are often more about the giver than the receiver and that's just the way it is.

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 17:11

@HyggeTygge

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way, op, by not doing something you actively don't want to do, just because someone bought you something.

I'm actually quite amazed at some of these replies.

Me too. I'm astonished as to where all this is coming from. Genuinely astonished. I'm not trying to be clever.
godmum56 · 22/08/2021 17:11

@HyggeTygge

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way, op, by not doing something you actively don't want to do, just because someone bought you something.

I'm actually quite amazed at some of these replies.

me too! And i get how it feels when its a VERY expensive gift and there are things you maybe need but can't afford. Its not ungrateful to feel a bit "if only" AND I get about not hurting the giver or wanting to waste their money NOBA its really annoying when you have a long term physical problem that can't be fixed and you know how to treat it and people will keep saying "oh go on, try this try that it worked wonders on my second cousin twiced removed's mate down the pub and he had (insert totally unrelated condition here)......"
knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 17:13

Actually all this is telling me is that some advocates of alternative therapies find it hard to tolerate other points of view and the autonomy of women to decide what happens to their own bodies. That might sound extreme, but that's how it's coming across from some on here.

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 17:13

@FlumpsAreShit

I don't know why this is any more of a deal of the millions of boots gift sets we have all received. You pass it on, pop in in a drawer and forget or give it to a raffle. In fact a raffle or silent auction donation might be perfect. You'd get some serious brownie points.

And I'd just tell a white lie and say you did the acupuncture, thank you so kind etc etc, but no the back isn't better. I understand why you don't want to spend time doing something you've no interest in but in my experience gifts are often more about the giver than the receiver and that's just the way it is.

because if its not stopped, he will find something else that OP should try

also it is a multi therapy place, he is just as likely to shell out again to buy vouchers for something else the OP does not want to do.

also also the difference is in the value...assuming the giver is not seriously minted, its not a 20 quid Boots token we are talking about.

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 17:14

@knittingaddict

Actually all this is telling me is that some advocates of alternative therapies find it hard to tolerate other points of view and the autonomy of women to decide what happens to their own bodies. That might sound extreme, but that's how it's coming across from some on here.
yep I thought this too!
woodhill · 22/08/2021 17:14

I would try and use them, could you go with your mum or dp, foot treatment would be ok I think