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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
melj1213 · 22/08/2021 17:16

OP you are coming across as very rude and ungrateful because you are being rude and ungrateful.

If you don't want to use the vouchers then don't but then why come on AIBU if you aren't willing to accept that you are being unreasonable to not even consider trying something on offer? At least them you could say "I tried it, didn't like it, so am going to give away/sell the rest of the vouchers/credit so it doesn't go to waste. Thank you for the thought but do not buy me vouchers for this place again and/or for anything so high value."

People have banged on about acupuncture because you brought it up as a treatment offered without explicitly mentioning any other treatments the place offers beyond being very disparaging about the fact you have neither time nor patience for "alternative" therapies.

Most alternative therapy centres I know offer things like acupuncture, acupressure, reiki, aromatherapy massage, reflexology, pilates/yoga, Indian Head Massage, Homeopathy, Chiropody, Chiropractic, Crystal Light Therapy, Alexander Technique, Ear candling etc so it's not acupuncture or nothing.

Having a baby and going back to work FT is stressful but you are being OTT about the dire inconvenience of using these vouchers on your "very busy" life. When I first went back to work FT I would have killed to have the opportunity to hand DD to ExDH for one afternoon, spend a couple of hours relaxing on a table for some acupressure or an aromatherapy massage then going for lunch/dinner with friends feeling refreshed, even just once a month.

Calmdown14 · 22/08/2021 17:16

@HyggeTygge an hour is a pretty standard length of a Pilates class.
I didn't suggest she book a block taking up the next month, I suggested a compromise of something high cost, low time. Most Pilates instructors do one to one but needless to say it costs more. As cost isn't an issue here then it might make sense.
This stuff isn't my thing, I wouldn't pay for it but if a friend phoned me and said how about trying this, for free, I'd give it a go.
Personally I'd feel guilty not to do one session, whatever it is, so at least I would know if my assumptions were reasonable and so as not to waste a thoughtful gift.
They usually last at least a year so yes, I struggle to believe anyone is so busy they couldn't try it once if we're the gift buyer.
Is your relationship with your relative not worth an hour?

Mosaic123 · 22/08/2021 17:23

Can you give them to charity? It would make a wonderful raffle prize. You could lie to your relative or send a friend for a £50 treatment who had to give you a full report. Not ideal but nice to do good with the vouchers.

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 17:25

ok everybody who has posted "oh go on try it" think of something you REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want to do, post it on here, and the rest of us will gang up saying "oh go on try it YABU and rude if you don't"

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 17:26

Most alternative therapy centres I know offer things like acupuncture, acupressure, reiki, aromatherapy massage, reflexology, pilates/yoga, Indian Head Massage, Homeopathy, Chiropody, Chiropractic, Crystal Light Therapy, Alexander Technique, Ear candling etc so it's not acupuncture or nothing.

And what happens if you would actively prefer to avoid all of those things? This might be news to some, but I would hate all of that. Not a single thing appeals or would feel comfortable doing. I daresay I'm not on my own either.

I had a massage once and bloody hated it. One of the most tense and uncomfortable 30 minutes of my life. Relaxing? My arse.

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2021 17:32

@HyggeTygge

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way, op, by not doing something you actively don't want to do, just because someone bought you something.

I'm actually quite amazed at some of these replies.

#Bekind #someothershite
knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 17:33

@godmum56

ok everybody who has posted "oh go on try it" think of something you REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want to do, post it on here, and the rest of us will gang up saying "oh go on try it YABU and rude if you don't"
My suggestions:

Knitting.

Cross stitch.

Delving into parish records in pursuit of great aunt Maud's birth certificate.

All things I love and that I think are fantasic for your mental health and wellbeing.

No?

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 17:37

@melj1213 I would also kill to hand baby to DP and do something I would enjoy and find relaxing, which none of these things are to me personally.

It you want to do that, I am not stopping you or saying you are wrong to enjoy them.

And if you think that’s rude - everyone not enjoying the same things as you - then sorry but that is very peculiar l.

OP posts:
AutistGoth · 22/08/2021 17:43

My word, reading some of the comments here - including one that compared an ASD diagnosed man buying what he thoughtful but inappropriate gift to sexual coercion and r*pe - it really opens my eyes to how non-autistic people see us.

OP, if you don't want to go, then don't. Perhaps tell him that you are humbled that he spent so much but it really isn't practical for you to spend several days at an alternative clinic because your Dbaby needs you and you cannot let them out of your sight.

purpletrains · 22/08/2021 17:47

What else do they offer aside from acupuncture?

BadNomad · 22/08/2021 17:57

@purpletrains

What else do they offer aside from acupuncture?
It doesn't matter. She doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to waste time doing something she has no interest in.
LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 18:00

why come on AIBU if you aren't willing to accept that you are being unreasonable to not even consider trying something on offer? because the AIBU is about what to do with the gift. Not which of these treatments should I force myself to go through even though I really really don't want to.

What's an ear candle?!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/08/2021 18:08

What's an ear candle?!

I presume it's something to do with removing and fashioning all of your earwax into a particularly unpleasant candle and then selling it via Gwyneth Paltrow's website for £2,500 Envy

Actually, I think it's something else, but still not what OP wants to do.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/08/2021 18:13

This thread reminds me of another one from a few months ago, where (IIRC), a relative who lives in the South East of England bought OP an 'experience' voucher - and not one that interested OP anyway.

The problem was that the experience company offered locations 'all throughout the UK', but like so many people, seemed to think that Scotland is just one small county. OP lived way up in the Highlands and the nearest (only Scottish) centre was in Edinburgh or Glasgow - many hours away and realistically necessitating paying for overnight accommodation, as well as a load of petrol.

There were still people on that thread desperately trying to help OP to find a 'solution' to use the voucher - when she had already made it crystal clear that she didn't actually want to do the experience, much less spend an entire weekend and hundreds of pounds for the 'privilege' of it.

InteriorDesignHell · 22/08/2021 18:39

Do you think anyone at work would buy the vouchers from you at a discount for the pilates lessons (which are fairly popular in some circles)?
I would be surprised if the place does refunds but what do I know.
If you have a buyer you could gently say you were talking at work about how you had the vouchers, but no time to use them, & you were not going to be up to the activities concerned until after the vouchers would expire... and a colleague fond of pilates offered to buy them from you. And would he mind.

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 18:41

Spry about the cold wet and slimy. That was a cut and paste from elsewhere! 🤦🏼‍♀️

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 18:44

@knittingaddict did you actually read my post?

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2021 19:06

@summersending - would you be able to approach having a conversation with the cousin who gave you this gift and take it from the view point that you couldn't possibly accept such a valuable gift but you are overwhelmed by their generosity. You haven't used the gift voucher and would be so uncomfortable while having a treatment knowing how much was spent and you would be much much happier if they could get their money back and you can tell them what you would like instead?
Emphasise that you are really overwhelmed by their generosity and you wouldn't be able to relax and encjoy your time away from your new baby knowing how much they spent on you. You really are overwhelmed (the generous cousin must understand that emotion of being overwhelmed).
Keep like a broken record and if you have any other ideas (such as donating some money to help the Afghan refugees or whatever) that you would be much much happier and content and grateful knowing that the money has been put to good use for helping others or whatever you would prefer the gift to be.

Would that kind of response go down well at all???

Catlover77 · 22/08/2021 19:14

I was sceptical about acupuncture. I now book 9 am appts on a Saturday for a similar issue. It doesn’t eat in to my weekend.

I note that you do not want to go. May I suggest book one in, it may help, you may enjoy it, it’s an hour

tectonicplates · 22/08/2021 19:30

I note that you do not want to go. May I suggest book one in

This basically sums up everything that's wrong with this thread.

OP doesn't want to go. SO DON'T TELL HER TO GO.

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 19:37

[quote godmum56]@knittingaddict did you actually read my post?[/quote]
Did you mean me? I was agreeing with your post.

LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 19:40

@Catlover77

I was sceptical about acupuncture. I now book 9 am appts on a Saturday for a similar issue. It doesn’t eat in to my weekend.

I note that you do not want to go. May I suggest book one in, it may help, you may enjoy it, it’s an hour

Are you for real?

OP doesn't want to go. Why would she book one?

Catlover77 · 22/08/2021 19:44

Because if she doesn’t try it she will never know. Did you read my post? I was sceptical and am completely converted to acupuncture now.

Calmdown14 · 22/08/2021 19:44

But this is a gift so just not going isn't an option without consequences, like her cousin never speaking to her again because however valid your reasons for not liking it, it will be seen as a massive rejection.
I'd think of it less like a present (obviously you'd have preferred anything else) and more like an invite to a family wedding where you are absolutely obligated to show face.
The least bad option here is to pick something that doesn't last too long and that you can lie about and say it helped but you don't need further sessions, e.g Pilates and can now practice at home.
You don't need to use the full amount (raffle or sell if certain he won't find out) but I think you'll need to bite the bullet and set foot in there or it will be impossible to lie.
'Did you have Becky?' you can answer 'er...er' or say convincingly 'I've always had Judy'.
'Did you like the waterfall in the reception?'....'yes it looks lovely with the lights'

LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 19:46

@Catlover77

Because if she doesn’t try it she will never know. Did you read my post? I was sceptical and am completely converted to acupuncture now.
OP doesn't want to try it. Did you read OP's posts?