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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:45

@pigeonpies you used the word ‘ungrateful.’ You know its meaning, I am sure.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 22/08/2021 14:45

Please ignore those telling you to waste your precious free time like this. Also don't just ignore a £300 voucher if you could get some of it back.

First step, call the spa place and ask about their refund policy. If you won't spend it, if you can get it refunded to relative that would be for the best. If you can't, look at selling it on.

You can definitely explain to him you don't have time for this, without saying you wouldn't want to even if you did have time. That has the added benefit of making him realise he can't send you vouchers to anything else in the future.

NoSquirrels · 22/08/2021 14:49

@summersending

He won’t know anyone there. Like I say he lives quite a long way away.

I can’t see any of my friends being thrilled about being dragged out at the weekend for counselling or acupuncture and I’m a bit reluctant to offer it as it can easily sound like a loaded suggestion.

I think I’ve pretty much decided it’s one of those situations best left. I am a busy person. I have two days a week free and when I do have a free moment I don’t want acupuncture or whatever.

With regard to the taking a friend suggestion, it all depends how you frame the offer. If you said to me what you’ve said here “Oh bloody hell, got given these mad vouchers for hippy treatments and can’t tell the giver it’s not my thing. Anyone fancy coming along to try some out - it could be a laugh at least” then no ones going to think you’re coercing them or have a loaded agenda.

But on the other hand, why can’t you just tell him, firmly and clearly, that you don’t want to use them so can he get a refund? It seems a shame to basically ignore it at a waste of £300, just for the sake of a conversation that’s ‘I love you and the thought of it but I really won’t use these.’

It’s all about how you say things and the outcome you want.

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2021 14:50

@summersending

The situation in Afghanistan is terrible.

It also has absolutely nothing to do with me or my life. Bringing it up on here as a way to keep me quiet won’t work. This is my problem and dilemma and I am trying to work out the best way to deal with it.

Zipping my trap shut and doing something I don’t want to do to keep someone else happy will not only not help the women in Afghanistan, it is also part of the problem we should all be united in trying to stop.

I like you OP Too many people think you should be grateful for something you don’t want or need. I wouldn’t have Accupuncture if you paid me so I sure as hell wouldn’t spend my precious free time doing it. After I had my first baby my free time was very important to me and it was equally as important for me to spend it how I wanted and a spa or whatever this place is wouldn’t be it. While you obviously shouldn’t upset your relative he’s actually done you a bit of a dis service and now put you in a position where you have to do something you really don’t want to or look ungrateful. I had a slipped disk not long after I had DD and I really didn’t want anyone touching me at all let alone sticking needles in me (I know Accupuncture helps some people but others just don’t what to do it) I would probably try and get someone else to go or try and find something there that you wouldn’t mind trying - dont worry about spending the whole voucher, just be vague if asked by the gift giver
diddl · 22/08/2021 14:51

"its offered on the NHS for certain conditions"

But not to Op, or suggested to her it would seem?

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:51

He really would not understand, is the issue. The time to do that should really have been when he rang me about it but I was distracted and also had no idea he was going to spend such an insane amount of money.

My main concern is if they don’t accept refunds I’ll upset him for no reason.

OP posts:
Solasum · 22/08/2021 14:51

Pilates is gentle movement OP.

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 14:54

I think work out if they do refunds and go from there. Fingers crossed they do.

NoSquirrels · 22/08/2021 14:54

What do you mean ‘he won’t understand’?

He doesn’t need to appreciate your reasons.
He may be somewhat offended, true.
But you can be honest, and then your conscience is clear.

Or just donate them to someone who’d love them - I bet you can think of some way to get them to someone deserving - and lie about going, I guess. Say you tried it, it made your back worse, you gave the remainder away.

Up to you. I’d be honest, but you don’t have to be.

therocinante · 22/08/2021 14:55

Acupuncture is an effective treatment for pain. My mum's slipped disc pain (that ended up eventually in surgery) was treated with acupuncture paid for by the NHS for a good while and she found it really helpful.

But. I get the feeling you're actually annoyed at yourself here for not being clearer in the first place, because without that crystal clear instruction this person has done a thoughtful and very generous thing. If it were me, I'd go and give a session of acupuncture a go and see how you feel - if you hate it, speak to him and say you had a go and it's not for you so he can have the remainder back. If you like it, you've got enough for a little course of acupuncture.

Cynicism so strong that you refuse to ever change your position in the face of potential relief is something worth letting go of!

Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:55

And thank you @Hoppinggreen - I like you, too Grin

I think the ASD has hugely complicated things but I am going to be honest. Everything else aside I would feel uncomfortable accepting such an expensive gift from some vulnerable anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 14:56

I’m not in pain! I’m only in pain if I have to sit down for a length of time which ironically happens when I drive, mostly.

OP posts:
Waspie · 22/08/2021 14:58

I got given a voucher to do something I didn't want to do once. I donated it to the local primary school for their Christmas raffle.

Like you OP, I'd already said I wouldn't use it but was given it anyway.

I didn't feel bad donating it. Who knows, my voucher could still be being wished on through raffles or re-gifting but on the other hand someone might have actually been really happy with their prize.

Hannayeah · 22/08/2021 14:59

If he used the place, just gift it back to him later, “I liked it so much I wanted you to have it too!”

therocinante · 22/08/2021 14:59

@summersending

I’m not in pain! I’m only in pain if I have to sit down for a length of time which ironically happens when I drive, mostly.
Ah okay, sorry - missed that bit! I think you'll just have to be honest with him then. (Or send them to me, I'd love someone to do some woo nonsense at me, ASMR heaven haha)
Cuddlyrottweiler · 22/08/2021 15:05

@summersending

Problem with FB marketplace is he has FB so runs the risk of him seeing it.

I have a slipped disc and he’s constantly trying to ‘cure’ it.

Honestly, for free I'd take a crack at anything. You would get nearly nothing for them if you sold them. Just give it a try, I think.
Original poster
summersending · 22/08/2021 15:06

I don’t want to. I have limited free time so this would massively eat into it. No.

OP posts:
ShakerMakerGirl · 22/08/2021 15:06

Acupuncture and pilates would actually be beneficial to a slipped disc. Maybe he discovered that too and thought it would be kind to pay for a treatment programme hence £300 voucher. I'd go for a session and see how it goes and if you don't want to commit after, he would never know. The NHS don't offer those treatments for your condition because they cannot afford to...not because they don't work.

diddl · 22/08/2021 15:08

@ShakerMakerGirl

Acupuncture and pilates would actually be beneficial to a slipped disc. Maybe he discovered that too and thought it would be kind to pay for a treatment programme hence £300 voucher. I'd go for a session and see how it goes and if you don't want to commit after, he would never know. The NHS don't offer those treatments for your condition because they cannot afford to...not because they don't work.
That's not his decision to make though is it?

And surely even if the NHS doesn't pay they could suggest that Op look into it herself?

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 15:10

@Hannayeah

If he used the place, just gift it back to him later, “I liked it so much I wanted you to have it too!”
Oh nooo! You'll end up in a never ending cycle of receiving vouchers to this place!
knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 15:10

Hardship is Afghanistan right now

Get some perspective FFS

So this was you empathising with the op, was it pigeonpies.

Duochromey · 22/08/2021 15:12

I'm going to have to hide this thread, it's doing my head in so many people telling OP to give it a go and she doesn't want to. Bullies!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/08/2021 15:13

I sympathise @summersending. It would be my idea of hell even without the time involved.
If you can't get a refund, could you sell them on eBay? I don't know if it's against any rules but a possible idea to get some money back.

pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 15:13

@knittingaddict

Hardship is Afghanistan right now

Get some perspective FFS

So this was you empathising with the op, was it pigeonpies.

I'm not sympathising with the OP. I don't see there is a problem to be sympathetic to.

The OP is creating a problem where there is none. It's an non-issue. And like I said, one a man wouldn't think twice about

pigeonpies · 22/08/2021 15:14
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