WWYD - missing DS' first day at school

[MintMe]

Urgh.

Just made the mistake of checking my work emails and now have a dilemma.

Industry event in two weeks. 6th & 7th September. I'm organising it (as is my job) but was only going to attend on day 2 (but travel down on the 6th) as it's my sons first day at school on the 6th and I obviously don't want to miss it.

My deputy has agreed to travel down on the Sunday and 'man the stand' for the Monday, along with the Head of that division. The Business Developer for that division won't be attending as he's moving house.

The Head of has emailed me to say he can't attend on the 6th because of work commitments.

So it would just be my deputy and a few juniors who are also attending the conference there until me and the other guy arrive on the Tuesday.

Now, I know what I should do. I should tell my deputy to stand down and do the event myself but I'd be absolutely gutted to miss DS' first two days at school (even though they're only half days) especially as I'm down in London for three days the following week at another event and will miss almost all of his first full week.

So MN, WWYD????

My comment was not to the OP who clearly planned for this and was let down at the last minute . My comment was at the numerous posters who are doing a great guilt trip in telling working mums in non flexible jobs how essential it is to be there for all of their children's milestones - to the extent of death bed regrets. Lots of us (not just teachers) just don't have this choice.

OP you have already arranged work cover so I think you should leave the original plan in place, remember you have a deputy for a reason - make good use of them!

Having a steady well paid job is definitely worth working hard for and some sacrifices maybe needed to keep everything ticking over, that’s modern life, but honestly when it comes down to it you don’t owe your employer anything, if you drop dead tomorrow your company will replace you within the month. Your family won’t.

@amillionmenonmars

My comment was not to the OP who clearly planned for this and was let down at the last minute . My comment was at the numerous posters who are doing a great guilt trip in telling working mums in non flexible jobs how essential it is to be there for all of their children's milestones - to the extent of death bed regrets. Lots of us (not just teachers) just don't have this choice.

I agree, it’s totally unfair to guilt trip anyone who can’t do these things and I know it’s hard for teachers. I have friends who have attended loads of Nativities, Harvest Festivals etc but never one with their own child in and they do feel bad about it. It’s not a huge deal if you can’t though , it’s probably harder for the parents than the kids

It doesn't matter that your child would be ok without you- frankly the business developer could be fine with a paid for removal company doing the house move without him, or his partner could do it alone (lots of single people do), or could move the date.

Yet you, the working mother, is feeling the pressure to cancel your booked day off as you were "only" doing a family thing with it.

There is a pressure on working woman to prove their children don't impact on their work life, in a way many men don't feel the same pressure. You both had already booked the day off on the understanding another senior member of staff would be available. They have now failed to keep their diary clear for this. Why if someone has to cancel their leave, would it automatically be the person who is "just" spending the day on a family thing?

Don't fall into that trap. You booked the day off. You aren't available. There are 3 senior people involved who now can't go. Does it actually need one of you there and if so, why you?

Honestly, I'd go to work. Especially now with lingering Covid precautions still going on, you won't be allowed past the school gate so you won't even get to see them entering the school. Obviously make sure you get someone to take the photo in front of your house door - much more important!

The children don't remember what they did at school the day before, let alone who dropped them off on their first day. Save the credit with work for more important things like parents evenings (afternoons!), sports day, Christmas Fayres, Nativities etc...

@MargosKaftan

It doesn't matter that your child would be ok without you- frankly the business developer could be fine with a paid for removal company doing the house move without him, or his partner could do it alone (lots of single people do), or could move the date.

Yet you, the working mother, is feeling the pressure to cancel your booked day off as you were "only" doing a family thing with it.

There is a pressure on working woman to prove their children don't impact on their work life, in a way many men don't feel the same pressure. You both had already booked the day off on the understanding another senior member of staff would be available. They have now failed to keep their diary clear for this. Why if someone has to cancel their leave, would it automatically be the person who is "just" spending the day on a family thing?

Don't fall into that trap. You booked the day off. You aren't available. There are 3 senior people involved who now can't go. Does it actually need one of you there and if so, why you?

This is an excellent point

WTF, why does a house move Trump a first day at school? I'd give my deputy the time to shine.

@PerfectPrepPrincess

A lot of teacher mums usually miss the first day of school for their DC if they they work FT 🤷🏻‍♀️

So thankful that when I was teaching full time the HT made a point of letting staff go to child’s first day/nativity day etc even if it meant her running around covering everyone. Don’t think the less experienced teachers/TAs appreciated how rare she was! It was a primary school and she said if we said we were a child centred school and then staff had to miss really important milestones then how child centred could we really be. They don’t make them like her anymore, too many SATS driven data heads.

@Topofthepopicles. She sounds like a fairytale godmother / fairytale ht ❤️❤️❤️

Have you got a day’s leave booked? If so don’t cancel it. You got there first with the request. If not then I don’t see why they can’t have the day off instead of you

I had to beg an hour off an open evening, so I could go home and see my son on his 5th birthday, then get back to work and encourage parents to send their kids to my school.

I did feel guilty over that, but I've never reminded ds about it and he doesn't remember that I wasn't there to put him to bed on his birthday.

For things like this I go with the good old “will I regret x in 10 years?”. So will you regret missing the work event or missing the first day of school?

Morning all - just a quick update from the train to London. The BU head and I chatted and I didn't realise he had a new deputy too. So both his and my deputy are running the event this morning and I'll get there around 1pm.

I was able to spend time with DS this morning, packing his bag, watching him get dressed and walking him to school with DH. He got quite tearful going into the classroom for the first time and I was able to take him in, give him a big hug and get him settled.

Really glad I pushed back and thanks for all the help and words of encouragement.

I’d want to be there for DS if I could be.

Why are everyone else’s personal commitments more important than yours?

Sorry - didn’t read your update! Well done!

I'm glad you did that.
The truth is there is no right answer - if otherwise you are available for the kids then it's not a problem that the first day is missed if there is a balance of 'but you were there for me at other times, or I never felt second to your work'.
Equally don't be naive that work are some kind of benevolent institution that will remember the times you came in, whatever the level of seniority. Bosses and leaders change, things get forgotten when decisions are made. As a manager I had more respect for people that could tell me no and find solutions, but even at a senior level there were redundancies I had to implement and I couldn't save people that had always done the right thing...