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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - missing DS' first day at school

141 replies

MintMe · 22/08/2021 10:36

Urgh.

Just made the mistake of checking my work emails and now have a dilemma.

Industry event in two weeks. 6th & 7th September. I'm organising it (as is my job) but was only going to attend on day 2 (but travel down on the 6th) as it's my sons first day at school on the 6th and I obviously don't want to miss it.

My deputy has agreed to travel down on the Sunday and 'man the stand' for the Monday, along with the Head of that division. The Business Developer for that division won't be attending as he's moving house.

The Head of has emailed me to say he can't attend on the 6th because of work commitments.

So it would just be my deputy and a few juniors who are also attending the conference there until me and the other guy arrive on the Tuesday.

Now, I know what I should do. I should tell my deputy to stand down and do the event myself but I'd be absolutely gutted to miss DS' first two days at school (even though they're only half days) especially as I'm down in London for three days the following week at another event and will miss almost all of his first full week.

So MN, WWYD????

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 22/08/2021 12:02

On your death bed, you'll remember going to your child's first day of school

What a load of rubbish Grin. I went to my DC2’s first day of school. I think. I must have done as I was on maternity leave with DC3 so wasn’t working. I have no recollection of it at all!

Original poster
MintMe · 22/08/2021 12:03

@Azilliondegrees

Honestly, I would probably do the first morning stuff and then get a train ASAP to be there by middle of the day. If the deputy is capable then it’s a nice development opportunity for them as well - and at some point they can say ‘owing to availability issues of key senior staff I set up and blah blah…’ but actually for trade events I have sometimes left the setup to other people because I have a young family.

The bigger question is whether this is going to be a pointless waste of time anyway. I’m starting to get emails about live in person events and just thinking ‘nope, there is no way I’m wasting two days in London on this’ - that would be especially true in the first week of term.

Well, considering these events are to essentially drum up business and neither the BD developer nor the BD divisional head will be there (or in a reduced capacity) I'd be tempted to agree with you!
OP posts:
pinkcircustop · 22/08/2021 12:04

I wouldn’t miss my child’s first day of school. Family comes before work. Nobody is that necessary.

QueenHofScotland · 22/08/2021 12:08

For those of you saying the DC won’t remember - that’s true, but probably because they were supported by their mum / dad and any fears and feelings of anxiety were minimised because of that support.

I wouldn’t want to miss it and I wouldn’t change my plans because someone else has pulled out.

It’s ok to have a life outside of work.

I would feel the same if it was a man btw.

Azilliondegrees · 22/08/2021 12:09

@MintMe quite. If the person whose job it is to drum up new business isn’t coming then someone else being expected to carry that should have been fully consulted. And if you have a clash you have a clash.

BikeRunSki · 22/08/2021 12:09

I just asked DS (13) who took him to school on his first day. He told him the name of the CM. It wasn’t. It was me! As above, I was away for DD’s first day.

daisypond · 22/08/2021 12:10

First day of school is really not a big thing, and it might cause a disservice to children to make it into a big deal. You might not even be allowed past the gate. There are other school events that will matter more.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/08/2021 12:12

For those of you saying the DC won’t remember - that’s true, but probably because they were supported by their mum / dad and any fears and feelings of anxiety were minimised because of that support

On the contrary, I think that making this huge big deal out of it has the opposite effect. It just cannot live up to the hype.

I know some kids need the preparation etc but on the flipside all this drama over it, the photos, the face time, the indulging of the commercialism of all the back to school crap shops try and flog you. Turns it all into some huge deal and seems more about the parents these days than the kids.

There was none of this when I was little. Full days straight away, parents not even allowed on the premises.

UserStillatLarge · 22/08/2021 12:18

@QueenHofScotland

For those of you saying the DC won’t remember - that’s true, but probably because they were supported by their mum / dad and any fears and feelings of anxiety were minimised because of that support.

I wouldn’t want to miss it and I wouldn’t change my plans because someone else has pulled out.

It’s ok to have a life outside of work.

I would feel the same if it was a man btw.

Yes I'm sure the DC will remember their first day at school if they were taken there by a random person off the street and dumped in the playground.

OP's DC will be taken by his dad and possibly his grandmother. They can give him all the support he needs.

I don't remember my DC's first days at school either.
I remember their last days at infants school, their last days at junior school, the time DS played a cat in the school play and the time that DD won the 400m at sports day. First days at school? Not a clue.

Pottedpalm · 22/08/2021 12:20

I think you should do the work event, you can’t have days off for every event in your child’s life. Especially if DH can take her, and you can do a quick zoom over breakfast.

User5827372728 · 22/08/2021 12:32

This thread is making me a bit sad. Obviously ideally most mums/parents would love to drop their kids off on their first day! I would love to drop mine off every day, but for many this isn’t an option.

If I dropped my son off on his first day I would miss meeting the new year 7s on their first morning( many of whom are very anxious. So I’ll be supporting 30 year 7s that morning rather than my own 4 year old.

FreezerBird · 22/08/2021 12:38

I took both my DCs to school on their first days.

I know this because DH would have been in work. I have no memory of it whatever.

Jasmine11 · 22/08/2021 12:56

I'm wouldn't miss the first day at school for work. Companies have no loyalty to individuals- you could be made redundant at some point and you're not going to regret missing the event on your deathbed, but might regret missing your son's important milestone! If you have a deputy who can go why are you even considering going yourself.

Unless you are the world's top neurosurgeon no one is indispensable.

Comedycook · 22/08/2021 13:01

@FreezerBird

I took both my DCs to school on their first days.

I know this because DH would have been in work. I have no memory of it whatever.

Yeah same. My kids don't remember it really either. The ops dc will be fine...they'll have a parent with them. It's a walk to the door and quick goodbye
Original poster
MintMe · 22/08/2021 13:05

Thing is, I earn the good grace of the seniors by doing things like this (jumping in where necessary) which then allows me to take random hours off during the day for assemblies and sports day etc...

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 22/08/2021 13:15

I took ds(now 17) to school the first 2 weeks. Just asked and he doesnt remember his first day, or his second when he happily went in, but he remembers the 3rd day when he left the line and came back to me crying. Says he didnt want to go in because the day before he had opened his banana in class instead of the playground and he didnt want to do something wrong and get into trouble. 🤣

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/08/2021 13:31

I’d do the work thing too and let DH do the first day. Throughout their school life there will be many things and you’ll share them between you as both won’t go to everything due to work etc. With covid measures it will simply be drop and go.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/08/2021 13:36

I still remember DS's first day of school. I'm sure he doesn't. If you work FT there are many things you are going to miss unfortunately. Will you be able to do any drop offs/pick ups going forward. Who will normally do them?

I was SAHM so did most school runs. DS used to be so happy when DH could do the odd one

JudgeJ · 22/08/2021 13:46

@MrsKC121

I never understand why people give a f*ck as to what their superiors think. They can’t sack you for taking the time off to see your child go to school for the first time and, if they try and make your life difficult then just get a new job. Just because someone has a certain job title shouldn’t mean that they’re put on a pedestal. Life happens and work has to be flexible end of.
I assume that you would be happy for your child's teacher to not care what their superiors think and take time off to attend their child's first day? As a teacher I never saw my children's 'momentous' events, sport's days, day-time performances etc., it wasn't popular when I asked for the time to attend a graduation, a proper one not a nonsensical nursery graduation. If this child's father is there to take her to school on the first day, that should be enough or is mother's attendance more important?
FinallyHere · 22/08/2021 13:55

This is a big step for your DC. I would expect they will be quite focussed on the adventure and not really thinking about you. And if they are the type to cling, then even better to not distract them.

Go to your work thing and do a great job.

Let your DH have this one and be confident that he will do an equally good job as a parent.

Above all, once you have decided jettison any mum guilt that you will have, whatever you choose to do.

TheMoth · 22/08/2021 14:20

By the time ds was in school, he'd been in childcare for 4 years already. The big moment for me, was when I first left him at 9 months in his nursery. School was just another version.

I hope he actually turns up on time on his first day of high school, as I'll have gone to work before he wakes up.

BeaLola · 22/08/2021 14:27

I took DS 4 to school on his first day with DH - we got to the gate - - he saw the teacher and walked in with a cursory wave to us Smile

I was on adoption leave at time so no work issue - and as he had been with us for a few months it was a "first" for DH & I

As you say dropping in for things like this get you off hours off here and there for sports day etc why don't you do the event , do the bedtime story bit an earlier poster mentioned and then on the first day what's app /zoom yr DH as he gets near the school and he can turn the phone around and you can see your DS yourself , talk to him & see him run in - win win

greenlynx · 22/08/2021 14:31

To be honest it very much depends on the family set up. If your child is used to you being away it’s not so noticeable for them. I was SAHM so if I couldn’t join an event in primary it’s very suspicious and strange for my DD.
I would keep a routine simple and relaxing over first few days and then do a big family dinner/ outing/ or whatever over weekend to celebrate your child starting school.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 22/08/2021 14:35

I wouldn’t miss my child’s first day of school

I don't remember much about my Primary School tbh, certainly nothing until I was about 6 or 7...

OP, do what you want to do, your little one probably won't remember if you were there or not... also if the BD side of the Big Important Company can't give any shits because they might be doing a school run too why should you.

3Br1tnee · 22/08/2021 14:38

@MintMe

Urgh.

Just made the mistake of checking my work emails and now have a dilemma.

Industry event in two weeks. 6th & 7th September. I'm organising it (as is my job) but was only going to attend on day 2 (but travel down on the 6th) as it's my sons first day at school on the 6th and I obviously don't want to miss it.

My deputy has agreed to travel down on the Sunday and 'man the stand' for the Monday, along with the Head of that division. The Business Developer for that division won't be attending as he's moving house.

The Head of has emailed me to say he can't attend on the 6th because of work commitments.

So it would just be my deputy and a few juniors who are also attending the conference there until me and the other guy arrive on the Tuesday.

Now, I know what I should do. I should tell my deputy to stand down and do the event myself but I'd be absolutely gutted to miss DS' first two days at school (even though they're only half days) especially as I'm down in London for three days the following week at another event and will miss almost all of his first full week.

So MN, WWYD????

Why can't the deputy do it and do as planned? Surely part of their job is to be your stand-in...

And family always comes before work. I'm sure the world won't end if you aren't there on one day.