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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 13 ds is genuinely aggrieved that he is not allowed to swear

162 replies

Veuvelily · 22/08/2021 09:28

He says he has heard all his friends swear in front of their parents and reckons he should be able to swear in his own home
Does your 13 yr old swear at home ?

OP posts:
bellabentley · 23/08/2021 01:41

@Hadalifeonce

I come from a generation which had no qualms washing out a mouth with soap (literally), do I do not often swear, although my DC do swear they never use the f word at home, if it slips out I remind the they are at home. Even DH curbs his language at home. I have even told off DD's friends for the f word. I find it really offensive and will not accept it in my own home. My DC are both adults as are their friends.
If it's your home, your rules, fair play - but if your DC are both adults, and you 'tell their friends off' I'd be worried, in your own home, fine

If someone tried telling me off as a 29 year old for swearing I'd tell them to keep their nose out my choice of language!

bellabentley · 23/08/2021 01:42

If you told them off in your own home, thats perfectly fine as it is your house and they must respect your rules - but if you 'told them off' outside the parameters of your home then that really isn't your place to be doing that.

BlackForestCake · 23/08/2021 01:46

My mum's 80 and I'm still shocked when she (very occasionally) swears, and I'd never swear in front of her.

PinniGig · 23/08/2021 02:15

This is a very personal one and something that I understand whatever side of the fence someone may sit when it comes to language.

For me personally it's never been an issue. We had very few rules or restrictions when the kids were growing up in terms of age appropriate content and my language is a disgrace generally speaking. The main, major rules we did have was never to take the piss, push their luck too much and always assume that others don't like and won't want to hear, see or talk about the same stuff we do freely at home. Husband is the epitome of an old fashioned gent and seldom uses language and the very few times he has chirped up and put the fear of God into anyone it's been to groups of young lads really giving it the full effing and jeffing and being vile about girls.

Here nothing is off limits and we live and thrive on a household filled with language, insults thrown back and forth and oddly enough neither of our kids ever really swore until their late teens. They understood that swearing is not something they can or will ever do outside the confines of our four walls and even now in their early 20's, they don't even use words like “bloody” or “crap” out and about in public because they hate hearing other people swearing and being crass out in public, grew up mindful of others and have always been respectful even when using the worst language at home.

They are the most respectful, kind, honest kids with a moral compass that puts me and most others to shame which is ironic given the lack of rules and restrictions we had. I remember when they were very little sat in the back seat of my car singing along innocently to “Rage Against the Machine” I had playing and when I turned it off and went “Kids... you're not in trouble and haven't done anything wrong but that word – you can't sing or say that word it's really upsetting to most people OK?”

My daughter asked by they're called “Curse” words one day almost thinking aloud and my son who has always been a mad historian chirped up that it dates back ages to Medieval beliefs that using those words cursed people and caused ill health, the plaque and other unpleasantries and my daughter was “Really? Cool so where did this come from then?” Pair of them – both in primary school so very young and they were sitting there discussing the origins of swear and curse words like literary professors 😂

The main difference for me is not being sworn at Neither has ever uttered even a mild swear word in anger or temper but I will not tolerate being spoken to with attitude that's disrespectful, being muttered and mumbled about and I will not tolerate anyone swearing at me.

Kids are so mindful of language / grew up to have such respect they don't even use mild swear words when we're at the house of their Grandma who died earlier this year. They have accidentally said the odd swear but immediately “Sorry Grandma sorry sorry sorry!” cos it feels wrong to speak like that in her house.

It's not something everyone will get or agree with and each to their own but the swearing and listening to dodgy music or movies / video games doesn't create the problems it's the understanding and respect they have around its use.

Funniest thing for me anyway is the very rare time my daughter pops a button over something at work or Uni and from the second she gets in the car or through the front door she unleashes this intense torrent of the foul mouthed, raging torrent of abuse that would make Gordon Ramsay blush.

It's not offensive though it's more just brilliantly effective because she reserves it for special occasions 😂

aLilNonnyMouse · 23/08/2021 03:47

Our rule is that you can swear as much as you want as long as it's never directed at someone in particular. Call someone a cunt and you are in serious trouble. Saying something like "the fucking computer is acting up and being slow" is fine.

It lets everyone get out their aggression while not letting people be nasty towards each other.

PinniGig · 23/08/2021 04:17

@aLilNonnyMouse

Our rule is that you can swear as much as you want as long as it's never directed at someone in particular. Call someone a cunt and you are in serious trouble. Saying something like "the fucking computer is acting up and being slow" is fine.

It lets everyone get out their aggression while not letting people be nasty towards each other.

That word is banned here too. I nearly said it the other day in reference to the people in Afghanistan being abandoned and left to their fate "That's an absolute cunt's trick" but just stopped short and my daughter (23) drew a sharp intake of breath and did this Shock "OMG you nearly said it.. I'm telling you're gonna get well done"

Same with language and the difference between a throwaway casual and personal disrespect.

1forAll74 · 23/08/2021 04:47

My two never swore at home, not sure when they both went off to UNI,and out into the world though.

GCAutist · 23/08/2021 05:17

I allow my Children to swear in contextually appropriate situations but I don’t allow them to swear at people except tory politicians.

SlipSlop · 23/08/2021 23:45

@NiceGerbil

Slip what do you say if you stub your toe?

Or I dunno. A fight spills out of a pub and it's a load of blokes really going for it with blood etc. Or you switch the news on and see some new awful news with loads of people dead. Or you see someone get hit by a car?

Genuinely interested. I'm very sweary indeed. Got it from my family. DH can't bring himself to swear. His family don't.

I enjoy it. We have some words that are so satisfying. You can really spit them out. I work with some Scottish blokes and their language is littered with really inventive invective. My work is very sweary though as well. My industry probably.

I'm just trying to think what DH says when something sudden etc happens. I can't actually think what he says. That's weird. Maybe he's just less verbal or something.

Funnily enough I stubbed my toe a few months ago. So badly the nail went black due to blood underneath. What did I say then? If I remember correctly, it was "Oh for goodness sake or for heavens sake!!!!", very crossly and loudly". I use those a lot. I'm not really religious by the way.

Other times I might say "flaming hell", which was changed to "flaming ale" when my son when little asked me what I had just said. Grin

It's interesting what is thought of as a swear word. For me crap means something is rubbish. I never ever associate it as being an alternative to the 's' word. The first word I can say very occasionally and write as here. The second one gives me the rage when anyone says it especially in the workplace when they wouldn't use the 'f' world. Strange huh. Smile.

NiceGerbil · 24/08/2021 01:32

Different areas and what words are strong is really interesting for sure.

USA family stuff I've seen English characters say wanker. And bugger. I can only assume they don't know what they mean or think the USA audience won't? Afaik USA is not very sweary compared to us.

Then you have aus where words are used in parliament that would not be ok here.

Then there's stuff like. Why are bugger and sod (in my area) seen as mild when fuck is v strong? Logically they should be equally bad at least. It doesn't make any sense but that's language norms for you!

grapewine · 24/08/2021 01:47

@ThreeWitches

I'm an English lecturer and quite honestly believe that swearing can have an impact that some other words can't - especially in writing

This.

Absolutely.

Also, as per PP, in dealing with pain.

grapewine · 24/08/2021 01:52

Plus, Brits have some very imaginative, entertaining swear words. It would be a shame not to use them.

Plumtree391 · 24/08/2021 01:59

I wouldn't have allowed mine to swear but he never did, at least not in front of us. We never swore in front of him either. It's totally unnecessary.

NiceGerbil · 24/08/2021 02:28

Hmm. Slipslop replied to my question which was great.

Essentially she does react in the same way but using modified phrases.

The intent is the same though. The automatic reaction to verbalise sudden pain or shock. Which words pop out depend on where you live etc etc.

I've been genuinely thinking about when my friend said her DH who was an arse anyway was having an affair.

For me. Saying fucking hell that's awful what a total wanker or similar. Underlines the strength of my feeling.

I don't think she swears much. I can't think what she would say.

How to get across the same strength in a punchy way? And without essentially saying the exact same thing but substituting words. Which amounts to the same thing.

So saying blimmin eck that's awful what a nob. Crikey Mikey that's awful what a twonk. All same difference.

What would non swearers say? I mean using language that isn't just replacing a word they think is beyond the pale with another one with essentially the same meaning?

NiceGerbil · 24/08/2021 02:29

I'm saddened and angry to hear that. He really is a let down. Something like that?

timeisnotaline · 24/08/2021 02:32

@OwlinaTree

Interesting that 2 people specifically disagree that tends should be allowed to use the same language as adults.

I think if I'm saying shit when I drop something, I can hardly tell my kids off for it at age 13.

The drinking and sex comparisons don't apply - there's no age limit on swearing.

I can tell my kids off for it. I expect them to be able to get through each day at school and after that at work without swearing even if they drop something, as it’s often just not appropriate. I know I can do that, and when they are an adult they can develop their own situational awareness. A 13 year old is not very good at that, so I as their parent help by ensuring the not swearing reaction is quite strong. They will need it one day.
stripedbananas · 24/08/2021 02:34

My teens swear. Sometimes I pull them up on it.

They never swear in front of their grandparents.

It's not like we constantly swear just when you'd sort of normally swear about stuff

timeisnotaline · 24/08/2021 02:34

@NiceGerbil

I don't know what the s word is!

Will never know.

Swearing for me adds power and emotion. When my friend told me her DH was having an affair I said fucking hell what a wanker. Saying oh dear that's terrible he's really not a good person (?) just doesn't have the same feel for me.

I might say the same, but I’d also say things like what a pathetic snivelling excuse for an adult male he is, he has no idea he barely passes as an adult naked mole rat.
NiceGerbil · 24/08/2021 02:42

Same difference really then. And not nearly so punchy. A bit Blackadder!

NiceGerbil · 24/08/2021 02:43

Each to their own obv.

DH can't bring himself to swear at all.

The kids never swear at home. And they definitely know the words!

BigRedFrog · 24/08/2021 06:43

Effing and jeffing no. They're in their 30s and have still never sworn in my presence, as I wouldn't swear in theirs.
If I'd have sworn in front of my mum, I would probably have woken up in casualty.
The most mine were allowed to get away with is bloody hell.
You wouldn't be effing and jeffing in a job interview, so why not control it elsewhere.

Oblomov21 · 24/08/2021 07:17

Swearing doesn't bother me. I try not to, but if I very occasionally say the odd 'bloody' this doesn't bother me. Some stronger words aren't nice, but I just can't see the issue.

tegannotsovegan · 24/08/2021 10:38

My son is 3, and I let him swear. Me and my partner swear too much for us to be able to easily stop, so we just don’t. We have rules on where he can and can’t swear though, and he follows them very well;

He can swear at our house and grandmas house.
He cannot swear at grandads house, at daddy’s parents house or in public.

We have never had any issues. We don’t make a big deal out of him swearing at home because they’re just words.

Brainwave89 · 24/08/2021 11:52

I guess what counts as swearing differs from house to house. So I would quite often use the word bugger as would most of my friends. This is in my view okay. I also use Jesus Christ, Jesus and a number of other religious profanities- also okay for us but not for others. Other words- F and C words in particular no and DCs would be pulled up if they used these- it does happen but it sounds poor and is not something they should be encouraged generally to do as a norm.

NiceGerbil · 25/08/2021 02:35

I'm surprised a 3yo if brought up in a v sweary house understands which words are swear words and which are not. And adjusts language according to situation.

He must be very bright! I'm impressed.