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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL did this intentionally?

426 replies

saturdaynightgin · 21/08/2021 17:57

DH and I got married this week. It was a small wedding - parents, siblings and a few friends as guests, 24 in total, including us.

The bridal party consisted of DH and I, my sister as maid of honour and DH’s best man, plus our children as flower girl and page boy.

We asked that our guests didn’t wear navy as that was the colour of the suits/bridesmaid dresses. Both sets of parents were happy with this, our friends and siblings were happy, even SIL said she happy.

The day of the wedding SIL turns up in a navy dress, albeit with some white on the skirt, and nephew (13) is in the exact same suit and waistcoat as DH and DS. So in photos, it looks like they’re part of the bridal party.

AIBU to be annoyed at SIL and think she did this intentionally? DH had shown her photos of the suit in the weeks leading up to the wedding, so she knew what he’d be wearing!

OP posts:
bunnytheegghunter · 22/08/2021 09:13

Maybe she misunderstood and thought you meant she had to wear Navy to fit in with the wedding colours?

category12 · 22/08/2021 09:25

Or maybe she thought Jesus op's gone a bit bridezilla and needs to get over herself.

I just think what the heck does it matter, really - the self-inflicted pressure to have a "picture perfect" day just makes weddings something they shouldn't be. Especially when you go a bit power crazy and start telling people how to dress.

Blindstupid · 22/08/2021 09:47

I can honestly say I have no clue what anyone else wore to my wedding, nor do I care. I had the most lovely day and was too caught up in all the loveliness and happiness to notice what others were wearing.

luckylavender · 22/08/2021 09:59

You're getting a hard time OP but I totally get it. I would be miffed too.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 10:10

Yeah it was deliberate. She knew what colour not to wear and wore it anyway. But don't let it get to you

traintraveller · 22/08/2021 10:11

Lots of arseholes on this thread but given the MN hatred for weddings and Brides who want their day their way I'm not surprised. I've known lots of people to ask the bride if there are colours to avoid. I do think you were a bit cheeky to request it of guests but she definitely did it on purpose.

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 10:14

She has no point as it's not her given right to be a bridesmaid.

No, but if some siblings are in the bridal party and others aren't, it's not hard to see why feelings might be hurt.

georgarina · 22/08/2021 11:10

Yeah she sounds rude and petty. Who cares if you asked people what colours not to wear, it's your day. Some people are so miserable.

Glugglejug · 22/08/2021 11:14

Well OP, what did the police say?

category12 · 22/08/2021 11:30

Who cares if you asked people what colours not to wear, it's your day.

People just have it a bit screwy. Wedding guests are your friends and family who are there to help you celebrate a happy event in your life. If they weren't there, it would probably not be the wedding you wanted. The ambition shouldn't be to make it a fucking trial or photoshoot, but a happy time.

You're not giving them a big treat by allowing them to attend, some of them travelling a long way maybe, giving up their time, making the effort to be there.

And they're not props or puppets to your day, they're people you're supposed to like and even love, or at least have some dutiful family feeling for. It should be about the people and the connections, not the colour of people's outfits.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/08/2021 12:51

I have heard of wedding guests being asked to wear bright colours, what they feel comfortable in and 'black tie'. I don't really approve of black tie as it might mean the men having to buy or rent a special outfit for somebody else's wedding. I've also heard of vague themes eg 'festival' although I never imagined that these were diktats just 'ideas' to be taken up if wished.
The
B&G are hosts at their wedding and a lot of that is making the day comfortable and enjoyable for their guests it isn't a good start to make unnecessary rules about clothing choices or to inconvenience guests or drive them into spending money.
Having said that SIL definitely knew what she was doing but I don't think it matters.I wouldn't be bothered about nephew at all.

Ajl46 · 22/08/2021 16:26

@trappistkepler

totally ridiculous, who dictates what colour people should not wear, good on your sister in law for flipping the bird on that one
If your soon to be SiL asked you not to wear a certain colour at the wedding, would you really agree to her face then "flip her the bird" on her big day? It's not exactly starting the SiL relationship off on a good footing!
Ajl46 · 22/08/2021 16:29

@Claypotkitchentable

Very controlling of you to tell people what to wear. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to do that.
OP asked and the guests agreed.... not the same as dictating.
ScottishNewbie · 22/08/2021 16:30

I have requested people to wear no orange, red or yellow.

When asked jokingly what I would do if they wore those colours, I said that anyone who did, would be welcome at the ceremony but won't be in any of the photos.
At the end of the day, it's your / my wedding and what we say goes.
They're welcome not to attend. Grin
I don't give a flying shit if MN think it's unreasonable. Every single guest has said "no problems" and if they ended up ignoring my request I would take it as a deliberate disrespect.
I'm sorry she did that to you!

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 16:32

although I never imagined that these were diktats just 'ideas' to be taken up if wished.
Struggling to see the point, in that case? Do people really need to be given ideas on how to dress themselves for an occasion, particularly when they may stick out like a sore thumb having dressed to a "theme" when nobody has has bothered?

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 16:32

*I have requested people to wear no orange, red or yellow.h
So very odd.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 22/08/2021 16:35

@ScottishNewbie

I have requested people to wear no orange, red or yellow.

When asked jokingly what I would do if they wore those colours, I said that anyone who did, would be welcome at the ceremony but won't be in any of the photos.
At the end of the day, it's your / my wedding and what we say goes.
They're welcome not to attend. Grin
I don't give a flying shit if MN think it's unreasonable. Every single guest has said "no problems" and if they ended up ignoring my request I would take it as a deliberate disrespect.
I'm sorry she did that to you!

Wow. You sound fun and easy going.
ScottishNewbie · 22/08/2021 16:36

@GreyhoundG1rl I don't like those colours. It's a small wedding and they would majorly stand out compared to the wedding theme and it would clash.
No biggie Grin

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 22/08/2021 16:38

You're not giving them a big treat by allowing them to attend, some of them travelling a long way maybe, giving up their time, making the effort to be there.

And they're not props or puppets toyour day, they're people you're supposed to like and even love, or at least have some dutiful family feeling for. It should be about the people and the connections, not the colour of people's outfits.

100% this

Thortful · 22/08/2021 16:40

@ScottishNewbie

I have requested people to wear no orange, red or yellow.

When asked jokingly what I would do if they wore those colours, I said that anyone who did, would be welcome at the ceremony but won't be in any of the photos.
At the end of the day, it's your / my wedding and what we say goes.
They're welcome not to attend. Grin
I don't give a flying shit if MN think it's unreasonable. Every single guest has said "no problems" and if they ended up ignoring my request I would take it as a deliberate disrespect.
I'm sorry she did that to you!

The days of gathering friends and family for a lovely day celebrating your marriage union, with photos taken as a lasting memory seem to be deafd and buried. Well for some, anyway Confused I've spent happy times with my kids looking at the group pictures, chatting about people (some long gone) who they were, what they were like. But clearly to some, the pictures are all about how pretty it all looks for social media. Funny thing is, nobody really cares anyway.
itsgettingwierd · 22/08/2021 16:40

Be glad they blended in!

My FB is full of people posting wedding photographs currently and in one someone is wearing bright hot pink dress with a huge fluffy bit on the front and huge matching hot pink fascinator.
It's all you can see when you look at it Grin

The same with some other outfits they are so loud they scream "look at me" and not the bride

Most people in the photos are wearing navy, blue or pastel colours.

Wafflethefuckinwonderdog · 22/08/2021 16:40

Navy is quite 'in' at the moment so perhaps she saw a good outfit in that colour. She may have done it intentionally. Is there some beef that would make this more annoying. I'd probably be annoyed for five minutes if I didn't like her that much. I remember showing my SIL a dress I liked for her wedding and she told me no as it looked too much like her bridesmaids. To be fair it did but I felt a bit hurt by the comment as it made me think that she wouldn't have wanted others to assume I was part of the bridal party. That's what got to me more. Like I wasn't worthy. It's kind of been the metaphor for our relationship since really. Don't sweat it. Life is too short.

Ajl46 · 22/08/2021 16:40

@Notimeforaname

Yeah if I was in a slightly agro mood and someone told me what not to wear,I'd probably wear it Grin
Why would you be in a slightly agro mood at your brother's wedding?
DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 16:41

@ScottishNewbie

I have requested people to wear no orange, red or yellow.

When asked jokingly what I would do if they wore those colours, I said that anyone who did, would be welcome at the ceremony but won't be in any of the photos.
At the end of the day, it's your / my wedding and what we say goes.
They're welcome not to attend. Grin
I don't give a flying shit if MN think it's unreasonable. Every single guest has said "no problems" and if they ended up ignoring my request I would take it as a deliberate disrespect.
I'm sorry she did that to you!

Bet your parties are great fun.
Thortful · 22/08/2021 16:42

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

You're not giving them a big treat by allowing them to attend, some of them travelling a long way maybe, giving up their time, making the effort to be there.

And they're not props or puppets toyour day, they're people you're supposed to like and even love, or at least have some dutiful family feeling for. It should be about the people and the connections, not the colour of people's outfits.

100% this

And this!