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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How the fuck do I deal with this

158 replies

1lifeliveitright · 21/08/2021 11:05

I've NC for obvious reasons. Just picked up my 17yr old dd from a 'friend's' house where she stayed last night. She's in a right state. She hasn't known this girl long and I don't know her at all but they have other mutual friends and she's gone back to her flat before after nights out.
So dd is crying and has been stabbed repeatedly with a tattoo gun in the leg. It's bruised and swollen and there was apparently alot of blood. Obvious needle mark. I've bathed it and it looks OK but I'm worried about infection. The fucking needle won't have been sterilised either.
I wanted to call the police there and then but dd has begged me not to as no-one does that and it'll have repercussions .
This girl is 18 and obviously dd is still a child. Any advice?

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 21/08/2021 11:27

You do really need to get her to a&e ASAP.
The situation sounds very weird. It’s not quite as straightforward as I’d assumed from the initial post and so I can see why your daughter’s reluctant to involve the police, given she did the same back to the other girl. You need to seriously think about how you’re going to support your daughter in moving away from such unpleasant and damaging ‘friendships’

grapewine · 21/08/2021 11:27

@1lifeliveitright

Dd is asleep as didn't go to sleep all night. It was a stupid power control game gone wrong. This girl must be a maniac or something. She said to dd that she could really hurt her and to see who could take the most pain. Both were drunk. Dd let her do it but obviously it was taken too far and she's really hurt her. Then dd had to do it back to her. Which she did but nothing like what she did to her.
This is wrong on every level. I don't even know what to say.
LakieLady · 21/08/2021 11:29

It sounds like DD consented initially, so unless she told this other girl to stop when things went too far, the police may well not be interested.

She definitely needs to go to A&E, or minor injuries if you have one in your area.

The other girl sounds like a maniac. I know it's near impossible to stop a 17-year old from seeing someone, but I'd be strongly discouraging it.

HollowTalk · 21/08/2021 11:30

I'd take her to a walk in centre and explain to the doctor what happened. They should recommend she calls the police. Your poor daughter - she must have been terrified.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/08/2021 11:30

You have no idea if this tattoo gun was sterilise, it could have been used before on her other friends, left lying around with dried blood on before it was stabbed in her leg. Worst case scenario and all, but I wouldn't expect an 18 year old to know how to properly care for tattoo equipment.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/08/2021 11:30

Forget about police for now but get her to hospital. Also have a good talk with her about toxic friendships and people who aren't safe to have around and see if she can reflect on any warning signs with this girl that she missed or ignored. I assume she won't be hanging out with her again!!

TheSloaneRanger · 21/08/2021 11:30

Get her to hospital ASAP, don't think beyond that at the moment
Her wellbeing comes first

Original poster
1lifeliveitright · 21/08/2021 11:31

She won't get up, she just wants to sleep. I can't force her, she's too big. I'm going to have to let her sleep and take her later. I hope that it doesn't make it worse. She's blocked this girl and hopefully the message has got through about hanging around with people who she doesn't properly know. She won't go back there again, that I know.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 21/08/2021 11:31

Right, your update makes it just worse.

You really need to talk to your daughter - over time (weeks, not hours) - about abuse, abusive relationships, boundaries, red flags and walking away from people who harm you.

You need to listen a lot - but perhaps also share learning experiences from your life.

This is an incident that has antecedents - you don't get to that point in a 'friendship' without build-up.

She really needs to be in a place where she walks away from nutters, rather than builds deeper relationships with them and ends up harming herself/allowing them to harm her.

I guess you'll have to approach it as a 'learning experience' because she will be feeling shame and shame causes people to dig in.

The last thing you need is to have her clung more to this 'friend'.

(I would also suggest the wider friendship group is problematic since they enable the girl.)

ikeepseeingit · 21/08/2021 11:31

If she did it back even under coercion (she would have to prove it) I’m not sure the police can do all that much? It’s worth trying again with your daughter later though. She needs to go to A&E sharing needles is very dangerous, she needs looking at for infections and blood tests for diseases. Particularly because this girl sounds like she’s done this before. Your poor daughter must be traumatised, I hope she can move away from this ‘friendship’ now.

catfunk · 21/08/2021 11:32

Don't worry about police now just get her to gp/ minor injuries and explain concern about unclean tattoo needles and ask for blood tests etc

Royalbloo · 21/08/2021 11:35

I'd definitely tell the police. Ask her what she'd do if someone did that to you.

Original poster
1lifeliveitright · 21/08/2021 11:36

The gun was used on dd first but whether it was clean I have no idea. I doubt it but it wasn't stuck in the girl then dd after it was the other way round

OP posts:
equuscaballus · 21/08/2021 11:36

I don't want to terrify you but the blood tests are imperative.

The advice from thecatfrom japan is excellent.

TwooThirty · 21/08/2021 11:38

Dd let her do it but obviously it was taken too far and she's really hurt her. Then dd had to do it back to her.
Is she saying she was coerced/hazed into this? If so I’d be going to the police.

But...
dd has refused to give names
This, along with the fact your DD agreed to doing it, makes me half wonder if the reason your DD is so hysterical is really because she made a stupid mistake when drunk and now absolutely regrets it. That the other girl maybe didn’t actually force her and she’s blaming her as an excuse.

But you know your DD best. And she’s only 17. If you believe that she was coerced/forced/assaulted then you need to go to the police.

NekoShiro · 21/08/2021 11:38

The friend sounds mentally ill, I'm sure your DD won't want to hang out with her any more, get her all her shots and be done with it, that girl will make you daughter's life hell if that's how she treats her as a friend let alone someone that got her arrested

andyoldlabour · 21/08/2021 11:38

OP, the girl who did this to your DD has serious mental health issues and enjoys hurting people. You have to go to the police.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/08/2021 11:39

She needs to be seen by a medical professional - sharing needles is a big no no. I highly doubt it was sterile.

The 'game' sounds horrendous and from your update, I can see why she is reluctant to go to the police.

Once things have calmed down, I think a conversation is needed to establish what actually happened. If it is the case that it was a game gone wrong and both did it to eachother or whether DD was the only one hurt and the other girl did it without her consent.

If the latter, I would report it to the police. It is assault and at 17, your daughter is a minor.

Either way, she needs to stay well clear of the other girl.

Hankunamatata · 21/08/2021 11:39

A&E. I would hold off on police as they were both drunk and tattooed each other.

grapewine · 21/08/2021 11:40

@thecatfromjapan

Right, your update makes it just worse.

You really need to talk to your daughter - over time (weeks, not hours) - about abuse, abusive relationships, boundaries, red flags and walking away from people who harm you.

You need to listen a lot - but perhaps also share learning experiences from your life.

This is an incident that has antecedents - you don't get to that point in a 'friendship' without build-up.

She really needs to be in a place where she walks away from nutters, rather than builds deeper relationships with them and ends up harming herself/allowing them to harm her.

I guess you'll have to approach it as a 'learning experience' because she will be feeling shame and shame causes people to dig in.

The last thing you need is to have her clung more to this 'friend'.

(I would also suggest the wider friendship group is problematic since they enable the girl.)

Great post!
thecatfromjapan · 21/08/2021 11:43

I'd still get dd tested. Firstly, it brings home how mad this was - your daughter will be minimising: it's a predictable reaction.

Secondly, I doubt the other girl is fastidious about sterilisation.

You know, I'm guessing alcohol was involved in this. It just will have been. You're going to need to find out how much your dd's drinking in night's out - and after school.

And chat about how alcohol affects judgment.

But I would genuinely be gently probing to see what else is going on.

There's a big culture here of school-age drinking during and just after the school day. Most of it is (relatively) benign - teen experimentation. But it does raise problems: incidents arising because of lowered inhibitions; children with underlying issues using alcohol in extremely problematic ways.

So, personally, I'd be putting out feelers there , too.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/08/2021 11:44

You can't consent to assault.

Definitely A&E today.

You'll have to take your daughters lead about the assault. Sadly, as she did it back, I think it would be a traumatic experience of reporting it and going over it, for it to go nowhere, or even potentially get your dd into trouble as well.

Hope all goes well at the hospital/doctor today op Flowers

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 21/08/2021 11:44

She needs medical attention. Hepatitis is the punchline of a joke no-one wants to hear!

WolfFleeceSpotter · 21/08/2021 11:47

@thecatfromjapan’s advice is spot on. OP I urge you to read both posts and take this advice.

If it were me, it would be A&E and the police. The mental health issues of this girl, and the hazing behaviour is very worrying. You are the adult; you outrank her.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 21/08/2021 11:47

I'm really confused as to why people are suggesting A&E.

This is in no way an emergency.

Sure she needs a blood test, hopefully she's up to date with her immunisations (tetanus), and a follow up blood test in a few months.

But that appointment can be made on Monday with her GP.