Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think my mum should have invited her grandchildren to her meal....

135 replies

MyLifeNow20 · 20/08/2021 22:11

My mum turned 60 2 weeks ago. She has invited a small group of family for a meal at 1.30pm tomorrow in a resturant. £ of my aunties, my mum, me and my 21 and 19yr old sisters (well step).
I asked if my girls were invited 18, 14 and 6 and she said not really and thought my eldest would have to babysit my yongest for the day.
I told my 6yr old earlier that she would have to stay with her sister tomorrow because I am going out with nanny and she didnt understand why she couldnt come too.
AIBU to think my girls should have been invited?

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 00:20

It sounds quite tribal, tbh.

AlexaShutUp · 21/08/2021 00:20

Do some of the family members never meet up just few of them for some occasion? Is it allways whole family?

Of course some family members meet up without others sometimes, but usually because the others are busy or not interested in a particular activity etc. Never because they're not welcome or invited. That would just be a bit weird for us because it isn't how our family functions. Dh's family are very similar.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 21/08/2021 00:21

at the meal, not and the meal

NoNotMeNoSiree · 21/08/2021 00:22

@MyLifeNow20

I understand completely, she did say it would be boring for her. Its just a shame my older girls cant come if my sisters are going.

Your older kids are still kids though. Whether your mum is a good grandparent or not has nothing to do with anything, she's perfectly entitled to have a grown up party or meal without people sulking their kids can't come.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/08/2021 00:26

The problem you have is that you have a wide range of ages of children. I assume if you just had the 18yo then she would have been invited, but your younger two, especially the 6yo throws a spanner in the works. Looks like your DM wanted a family meal for the adult females in the family. I notice no men have been invited.

As others have said do something special with your DM and your DC at another time. Who doesn’t like having more than one birthday celebration!

MouseholeCat · 21/08/2021 00:39

YABU, it's a bit of a shame for your 18 year old, but 19 and 21 is very different to 14 and 6.

I kind of wish our families would do some adults only celebrations as the kids always end up dominating and you can't actually spend quality time with the adults.

HoppingPavlova · 21/08/2021 00:39

No way I’d have the 6yo there so that’s perfectly reasonable. I’d also bet the 16yo and 18yo get bored the minute the foods done and then sit playing on their phones after that which does change the dynamic.,

Greystray · 21/08/2021 00:46

If it's a nice restaurant it's understandable. Kids can be a bit stressful at restaurants - do they need the loo (again), are they getting bored, do they need to be entertained, will they eat what's on the menu, plus that slightly wearing thing of everyone having to stop and listen to everything they babble on about. Kids tend to set the tone. If they're not having fun, no-one is. And sometimes if they are having fun, no-one else is

I love the kids in my family, but it's nice to have a break from them too. I'm sure your kids will be included when they are all older. You could always invite your DM out for lunch just with you and your kids, she might like that.

NumberTheory · 21/08/2021 00:47

I think YABU. I can totally see why a mother might want time with her children without grandchildren being around. Even if they are adults. I don't really see why a birthday has to be an all generation celebration.

I would find it upsetting if my DM never wanted to spend time with my DC, but if that were the case it would be unreasonable to have expected it to be different this one time.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 00:48

If they're not having fun, no-one is. And sometimes if they are having fun, no-one else is
God, that is so true...

TootTootTootToot · 21/08/2021 00:58

Who is paying for the meal?

notacooldad · 21/08/2021 01:03

Because it's just us adults tomorrow and we will all have fun together next time" Simple
This is exactly right.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 21/08/2021 01:07

Nah YANBU. I can't imagine any of our parents ever wanting to celebrate with us but not the grandchildren. Honestly my mum would not invite her kids before not inviting her grandkids!
Yeah she can invite whoever she wants blah blah blah but it sucks that she doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids.

Sweettea1 · 21/08/2021 01:08

She clearly wants an adult meal and assumed your 18year old would need to babysit so why not say well hubby can look after younger ones so I'll bring the 18 year old with me.

BettyAndFrank · 21/08/2021 01:13

Yanbu…but can you do a special tea party for your mum?

WhisperedWords · 21/08/2021 01:13

So your mum wanted to celebrate her birthday with her daughters and her sisters? That doesn’t seem unreasonable at all - though because your daughters are so close in age to your step sisters the division seems less clear.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 01:14

Such angst because a 6 year old was told no...

RightYesButNo · 21/08/2021 01:15

You say your mum isn’t a very involved nanny. Has it always been that way? I was trying to figure out the math here. From it, she became a nanny at 42, which is fairly young. Many women are still having their own children at that age (as you can see, she’s now got stepdaughters just barely older than your eldest). So it may have been she was too young to be a nanny at that point (I have no idea how old you were or if she was supportive of you having your eldest - if she wasn’t, that might play a part), and she may still be too busy dealing with her own family to be a super-involved nanny to yours. You say she sees the children when you “pop over there” or dog walk, and if you’re doing those activities, you must be in each other’s lives a fair amount, more than once a month, I’d say? So, maybe you just have this exact picture of what you thought a nanny should be, and she’s a different to it? Because if your youngest is disappointed at not going tomorrow, she must like her nanny a bit, I would think. However, obviously, there are a LOT of variables in this situation that you know more about.

Redsquirrel5 · 21/08/2021 01:17

Perhaps you could go for afternoon tea with her and your children on another day. It isn’t so long as a meal but something special or make it and have it at your house. That way your children are involved.

Mt best friend is 60 this month. She has invited my husband and I, her sister and her children and 7 grandchildren aged from 2x3 year olds - an 18 year old. We are going to a hotel that has a soft play area so the kids can go there if they get bored. It will be great fun but she is a very hands on granny and looks after the 2x 3 year olds a couple of times a week.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 01:23

That'll be great fun for the kids, certainly

anonforamo · 21/08/2021 01:27

@MyLifeNow20 we were invited to a small outdoor gathering recently for someone's Birthday. One guest brought her 6 yo and I have to say it completely changed the scene and as she was the only one there it sort of stood out. I love spending time with dc and it was the first time it really stood out to me just how much things shift with 1/2 children at an event for adults. In this instance there was jumping up and down, demanding straws to drink from, saying they wanted something not on the menu. Lovely dc really but it just didn't work.

I do wonder if part of the issue was whether to invite 18 and 14 yo and leave out 6 yo. I imagine your Mum thought it easier just not to have grandchildren there so as not to cause offense.

Go and enjoy it and try not to take it personally. I don't think your 6 yo needs a big or emotive explanation per se, some things are for other people and she can look forward to celebrating Granny in other ways - card, pressies etc.

anonforamo · 21/08/2021 01:33

@RightYesButNo has an interesting perspective. I've known a few people who became grandparents in their 40's. If they had no younger dc in their lives, they were often still busy with work, a good 20+ years from retirement. If they had young dc in their lives, they just weren't at that stage of being a grandparent. They were parents. Many of my friends are 42 and are still having 2nd or 3rd dc, especially in places like London. I'm almost that age now and I can honestly say if a grandchild popped up, no matter how much I love dc and family life, there's no way I would have as much to offer now as I hopefully will in 15 years. I work more than full time, have a career, have dc myself, very much still in the throws of my own family life and will be for another 6/8 years!

melj1213 · 21/08/2021 01:36

@Cuddlyrottweiler

Nah YANBU. I can't imagine any of our parents ever wanting to celebrate with us but not the grandchildren. Honestly my mum would not invite her kids before not inviting her grandkids! Yeah she can invite whoever she wants blah blah blah but it sucks that she doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids.

Nobody is saying that she doesn't want to spend any time with her grandkids, just not for her birthday meal.

On this occasion - for her 60th birthday - she wants to have an adult meal with her sisters and daughters which means her grandchildren aren't invited. It is not wrong for a woman to want to have the celebration of her choice.

My mother has taken me, my sister and SiLs out for afternoon tea without any partners or kids; my dad has taken my brothers and BiL on days out without any partners or kids ... they also dote on all of their grandkids and take them out just as much, if not more, than us and we all celebrate various family events all together. People are allowed to have both big child friendly events and smaller child free ones, and they aren't a terrible person for putting up boundaries

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 21/08/2021 02:05

You say your mother turned 60 two weeks ago. Did you do anything on that day? Did you take your kids to see her for her actual birthday? I'm just wondering if the grandkids had already done something with her for her birthday. Was her actual birthday just ignored?

Ineedaduvetday · 21/08/2021 17:08

In the kindest way possible, maybe the fact you can't comprehend your 6 year old not being invited is exactly the reason she wasn't.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6