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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should have invited her grandchildren to her meal....

135 replies

MyLifeNow20 · 20/08/2021 22:11

My mum turned 60 2 weeks ago. She has invited a small group of family for a meal at 1.30pm tomorrow in a resturant. £ of my aunties, my mum, me and my 21 and 19yr old sisters (well step).
I asked if my girls were invited 18, 14 and 6 and she said not really and thought my eldest would have to babysit my yongest for the day.
I told my 6yr old earlier that she would have to stay with her sister tomorrow because I am going out with nanny and she didnt understand why she couldnt come too.
AIBU to think my girls should have been invited?

OP posts:
melj1213 · 20/08/2021 23:15

Your mother wants an adult meal for her birthday, YABU to expect her to change her plans to accommodate your 6yo. It is sad that your eldest will miss out, but it is better for her to put a hard limit and exclude all of your kids than only include one or two.

You didn't need to tell your 6yo where you are going - I have frequently left my DD with a babysitter without explicitly telling her where I am going or what I'm doing or who I am with - so her upset is entirely on you.

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2021 23:16

It's a ladies meal out. Fine for your 18 year old but not appropriate for 14 or 6 year old.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 20/08/2021 23:19

99% of people on here will tell you yabu, but I can't ever imagine my mum doing that.

Summersun2020 · 20/08/2021 23:20

YABU, it’s an adults only meal. Your six year old needs to learn she isn’t involved in everything and some things are for grown ups, stop being precious.

saraclara · 20/08/2021 23:21

There are family events and family events.

A birthday barbecue together in the garden? All generations involved, come and go as you please.

A meal at a family restaurant? GM, her DDs and DGCs, sure

A big birthday bash at the house? Again, all generations and probably good friends too.

A 60th meal at a nice restaurant? Just immediate adults is fine.

Ttbhappy · 20/08/2021 23:23

If its stated as a family meal I must admit I would be upset as well at not my whole family invited. My own mum I know would not put me in that situation though.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 23:24

Why are you so butt hurt on behalf of your 6 year old? There must have been occasions it wouldn't be appropriate for her to attend before?
She asked why couldn't she come, you should have just said it's adults only, with no drama.
All the drama is coming from you.

Streamside · 20/08/2021 23:24

Perhaps the covid situation has also influenced her decision, either way I'm sure there's lots of other opportunities for the children to meet with family.

AlexaShutUp · 20/08/2021 23:24

So you don't believe family shoidm ever have an adult only event? Everything has to be child friendly?

And you wouldn't ever attend one, if someone didn't want kids there?

This isn't a family party is it? Because the whole family is not going. The mother has invited her sister and her daughters that's it. If your mum wanted to do something with just her children, would you really not go?

I'm not saying that a family should never have an adult event, it just seems weird to me that they would want to. That never happened in my family growing up and my own extended family wouldn't ever dream of excluding children. For us, children are central to the whole concept of family, so it would be weird to leave them out.

If my mum asked me to go to an adults only dinner, I don't know. Maybe I would go but it would be so weird for her to even come up with this suggestion that I can't really imagine it. DH's family are the same. Kids are always welcome.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 23:25

@saraclara

There are family events and family events.

A birthday barbecue together in the garden? All generations involved, come and go as you please.

A meal at a family restaurant? GM, her DDs and DGCs, sure

A big birthday bash at the house? Again, all generations and probably good friends too.

A 60th meal at a nice restaurant? Just immediate adults is fine.

Well, generally the guest list is up to the host! If Grandma thinks it'd be better without having to entertain bored 6 year olds, that's her prerogative.
2pinkginsplease · 20/08/2021 23:26

YABU it’s your mums choice.

Whether she is a crap grandma or an amazing grandma has nothing to do with her birthday. If she wants a grown up meal to celebrate then so be it. You either go or you don’t!

Easily explained as an adult day out to your children.

AlexaShutUp · 20/08/2021 23:26

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

99% of people on here will tell you yabu, but I can't ever imagine my mum doing that.
Exactly!
alexdgr8 · 20/08/2021 23:28

the thin is,with big family gatherings, with young children there, it is the women who always end up having to look after them.
so the women never really get a time to relax.
i know men may help more now, but in the majority of settings, it falls to the women. same with self-caterings hols.
you can observe this in any restaurant.

Ninkanink · 20/08/2021 23:28

Children sometimes have to stay at home. That’s just how it is. When she asked why it was really very simple to say because it’s only for adults this time.

hulahooper2 · 20/08/2021 23:29

It’s up to your mum , personally I don’t understand people like her , my children were always welcome with my mum , and I would be the same

Hypnoshiding · 20/08/2021 23:29

For us, children are central to the whole concept of family, so it would be weird to leave them out.

But it's not a family party. That's the point.

melj1213 · 20/08/2021 23:29

@MyLifeNow20

I understand completely, she did say it would be boring for her. Its just a shame my older girls cant come if my sisters are going.
Genuine question - would you really have been happier for your mother to exclude just your 6yo, or your 6yo and 14yo, but say that your 18yo could attend?

Surely it's better for her to have a blanket "no grandchildren" invite and have that exclude your 18yo than make a distinction between your kids ... 14 is that weird in between stage, they aren't a small child needing constant supervision but they aren't an adult and will be significantly younger than everyone else attending so they may feel left out, but how can you invite the 18yo but not the 14?

I am one of 4 siblings and for family events we were generally "all or none" attendees and just inviting some siblings and not others was more devisive than inviting none, unless it was for a specific reason or an event (eg 16yr old cousin had a spare ticket to a concert and invites 16yo sibling to join but not the others)

alexdgr8 · 20/08/2021 23:29

my comment was in reply to Alexa, re family gatherings always include children.

saraclara · 20/08/2021 23:30

Well, generally the guest list is up to the host! If Grandma thinks it'd be better without having to entertain bored 6 year olds, that's her prerogative.

Exactly @GreyhoundG1rl

My post was more replying to the pp who said that she would never go to a family event that didn't include the youngest generation

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 23:32

Sorry, sara. I agree.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/08/2021 23:32

It's not even "adults only". There seem to be no man in the mix either.
It's mother, sister, daughters. Absolutely ok to do. Have a nice lunch, hsve anice time and next time there will be an event with others included too. Nothing wrong with this

LowlandLucky · 20/08/2021 23:35

Sorry OP but your 6year old will just have to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her but i do think your eldest should have been invited.

FrownedUpon · 20/08/2021 23:35

Kids change the dynamic & tend to dominate meals out. It can be tedious for everyone else. If your mum wants an adult only meal, that’s up to her.

saraclara · 20/08/2021 23:38

I only have one toddler GC (who I adore) so far, and I like my DDs' partners. But the girls and I regularly did/do things together, and if I fancy having one of our little events like an afternoon tea somewhere fancy for my next big birthday, then that's what I'll ask for. Fortunately I don't have petulant sons-in-law. They regularly facilitate our girls' days/weekends and I'm sure my SonIL will happily parent my DGD alone that day if that's what I choose.

I'm sure we'd also find a time when we all get together at some point one side or another of the birthday

AlexaShutUp · 20/08/2021 23:38

But it's not a family party. That's the point.

Siblings, children, step children... sounds like a family gathering to me. I don't know, my family is obviously just different.

Most people clearly find this quite normal, so fair enough. It wouldn't be how we would want to do stuff in my family, and thankfully we're all on the same page with that, but clearly the majority think the OP's mum is being entirely reasonable. I guess all families do things differently.