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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should have invited her grandchildren to her meal....

135 replies

MyLifeNow20 · 20/08/2021 22:11

My mum turned 60 2 weeks ago. She has invited a small group of family for a meal at 1.30pm tomorrow in a resturant. £ of my aunties, my mum, me and my 21 and 19yr old sisters (well step).
I asked if my girls were invited 18, 14 and 6 and she said not really and thought my eldest would have to babysit my yongest for the day.
I told my 6yr old earlier that she would have to stay with her sister tomorrow because I am going out with nanny and she didnt understand why she couldnt come too.
AIBU to think my girls should have been invited?

OP posts:
SpiceWeaselBAM · 20/08/2021 23:40

It sounds like it's less about this specific event and more that it's just one more sign for you that your Mum isn't a very interested grandmother.

I don't think having a child-free 60th party is a radical decision in and of itself.

Planty13 · 20/08/2021 23:40

YABU. It was an adults meal. If you have issues with her as a grandparent they are totally separate to this.

Ponoka7 · 20/08/2021 23:41

I'd love to do that. I'm my DDs childcare, but would love an adults only meal out. My GCs father takes them during Christmas day and it's nice to have adult conversations that aren't interupted etc. Do none of you have family parties that go on until late? There was a point in our family were we realised that we were only seeing each other, without children, at funerals. So we vowed to rectify it. Men happily do it. so should women.

Newkitchen123 · 20/08/2021 23:42

Kids don't need to go everywhere. If she wants an adult meal then that's her choice. What's wrong with telling the children, no, this is for adults. I would never have questioned my parents had they said I was going to my aunty or whoever while they went out.
It's not a party, it's a meal

saraclara · 20/08/2021 23:43

@AlexaShutUp

But it's not a family party. That's the point.

Siblings, children, step children... sounds like a family gathering to me. I don't know, my family is obviously just different.

Most people clearly find this quite normal, so fair enough. It wouldn't be how we would want to do stuff in my family, and thankfully we're all on the same page with that, but clearly the majority think the OP's mum is being entirely reasonable. I guess all families do things differently.

Except you clearly think that you're right and everyone else is somehow lesser.

That's a clear entry for smuggest post of the year.

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2021 23:44

I feel sorriest for your 18 year old. Has anyone asked whether she’s available/minds babysitting the stropping 6 year-old?

Hypnoshiding · 20/08/2021 23:44

@AlexaShutUp

But it's not a family party. That's the point.

Siblings, children, step children... sounds like a family gathering to me. I don't know, my family is obviously just different.

Most people clearly find this quite normal, so fair enough. It wouldn't be how we would want to do stuff in my family, and thankfully we're all on the same page with that, but clearly the majority think the OP's mum is being entirely reasonable. I guess all families do things differently.

Its the mother's sister, and daughters. Not the whole family.

Of course we all do things differently. I just find it intriguing (more than odd or anything negative) that people feel children must always be included.

FortunesFave · 20/08/2021 23:44

Your Mum is probably just trying to keep it relaxed. The problem with younger kids at meals is that it always becomes about them...instead of about the adults.

I have a friend who manages to bring her kids to EVERYTHING and it's bloody annoying.

She thinks they're the most interesting, amazing thing ever but it's wearing! Hers are between 10 and 18 and their presence means we can't talk about adult things...we all have to listen to them talking about crap...I KNOW they're your Mum's grandkids but she must just want an adult thing and it is her birthday.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/08/2021 23:45

Siblings, children, step children... sounds like a family gathering to me. I don't know, my family is obviously just different.

Unless it's just 8 women in the whole family (incl op's daughters) and no other people, it's not a family gathering.

DwangelaForever · 20/08/2021 23:45

Imagine celebrating without your family. To me this is unfathomable. For every big birthday meal/party etc grand children have always been included.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 23:46

It wouldn't be how we would want to do stuff in my family
I guess all families do things differently.

Well if you can understand point 2, you'll understand why point 1 is irrelevant?

saraclara · 20/08/2021 23:47

@DwangelaForever

Imagine celebrating without your family. To me this is unfathomable. For every big birthday meal/party etc grand children have always been included.
She IS celebrating with her family. Her immediate family. Sisters and daughters.
GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 23:47

@DwangelaForever

Imagine celebrating without your family. To me this is unfathomable. For every big birthday meal/party etc grand children have always been included.
Oh, come off it! Unfathomable... What a narrow little life you must lead.
Pixxie7 · 20/08/2021 23:47

I think it depends on what type of restaurant if it’s a posh one it may not be child friendly.

saraclara · 20/08/2021 23:49

...and yes, do none of the sisters or daughters have partners? Because there's no mention of them being invited either. Which again leans me to think it's immediate family or an adult women's meal out.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/08/2021 23:49

@saraclara

...and yes, do none of the sisters or daughters have partners? Because there's no mention of them being invited either. Which again leans me to think it's immediate family or an adult women's meal out.
Exactly!
Rachie1973 · 20/08/2021 23:51

@MyLifeNow20

My mum turned 60 2 weeks ago. She has invited a small group of family for a meal at 1.30pm tomorrow in a resturant. £ of my aunties, my mum, me and my 21 and 19yr old sisters (well step). I asked if my girls were invited 18, 14 and 6 and she said not really and thought my eldest would have to babysit my yongest for the day. I told my 6yr old earlier that she would have to stay with her sister tomorrow because I am going out with nanny and she didnt understand why she couldnt come too. AIBU to think my girls should have been invited?
YABU

She’s chosen her guests to not extend to younger family members. That’s fine.

Quitelikeacatslife · 20/08/2021 23:56

I do understand the adult meal thing but that is usually in an evening. It is weird. My DD and DSM had a big anniversary party and didn't invite their (4 well behaved) grandchildren who were 16/13/13/10 and genuinely good kids who are happy to talk to adults, join in. They did invite all my cousins , their nephew and nieces (all adult) and partners. Was a lovely do and was sit down meal in evening but everyone was asking where the kids were. Felt really odd to me.

LagunaBubbles · 20/08/2021 23:57

thats the thing local she tries to make out shes an amazing grandma but shes not really bothered and doesnt make much effort

Well you really shouldnt be surprised then sadly.

PickAChew · 20/08/2021 23:59

Her choice.

AlexaShutUp · 21/08/2021 00:13

Except you clearly think that you're right and everyone else is somehow lesser

No, I don't think there is actually a right and wrong when it comes to how you're going to celebrate your birthday. But it's true that this approach is very alien to me and I'm glad my family is not like that. Clearly, there are plenty of people on here who wouldn't like our approach of always including the kids, so it's horses for courses.

AlexaShutUp · 21/08/2021 00:15

@GreyhoundG1rl

It wouldn't be how we would want to do stuff in my family I guess all families do things differently.

Well if you can understand point 2, you'll understand why point 1 is irrelevant?

But it isn't irrelevant to the thread because the OP has created it to ask for other people's opinions. I have given mine. Other people have given different opinions. That's how MN works.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/08/2021 00:15

@AlexaShutUp

Except you clearly think that you're right and everyone else is somehow lesser

No, I don't think there is actually a right and wrong when it comes to how you're going to celebrate your birthday. But it's true that this approach is very alien to me and I'm glad my family is not like that. Clearly, there are plenty of people on here who wouldn't like our approach of always including the kids, so it's horses for courses.

Do some of the family members never meet up just few of them for some occasion? Is it allways whole family?
NoNotMeNoSiree · 21/08/2021 00:19

YABU, and I say this as someone with kids!
It's your mum's birthday, and she wants a meal out with no kids involved.
Which is entirely up to her, as kids do totally change the dynamics of a meal out if you're wanting "grown up" time!
Not sure why it's a big thing where your 6 year old can't understand why you're going out with Nanny but not her?
Now you've mentioned you are, just say it's a grown up thing but she can come next time or something.
It's only a big thing to kids if you make it so!

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 21/08/2021 00:20

@Hypnoshiding

For us, children are central to the whole concept of family, so it would be weird to leave them out.

But it's not a family party. That's the point.

Exactly! Why should the children be the center of attention and someone else's birthday meal in a restaurant.