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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being unfair?

110 replies

NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:09

It's my second birthday as a mum in a few weeks time. I did nothing last year for it due to COVID.

My best friend surprised me today, announcing that she's booked us a table at a local poncey cocktail bar. My partner is working on my birthday until 9pm, but my lovely mate had covered all bases and asked his brother (she works with him - we live in a very small town) if he will have DC for the evening. He has agreed. Brother had mentioned nothing yet due to it being a surprise.

Neither my partner nor his brother drive, however brother lives on the route my partner will walk home from work. So today, when my friend relayed her plans to me, I asked my partner if he'd mind going into his brothers' on his walk home from work and get a taxi the rest of the way home with DC.

My partner responded that perhaps I must regrettably accept that I don't get to do things like what we have planned anymore, due to having a kid, and write it off as a bad idea.

My other idea was to leave our son with my other lifelong friends mum overnight (my own parents are unfortunately not an option, but I care about this woman like a mother, and vice versa) who had gladly agreed, but my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family.

AIBU for being thoroughly pissed off?

OP posts:
thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 20/08/2021 13:13

Then he comes home early and looks after his kid if he's got a problem with others looking after him.

My partner responded that perhaps I must regrettably accept that I don't get to do things like what we have planned anymore, due to having a kid, and write it off as a bad idea have you asked him why this doesn't apply to him?

mrsplum101 · 20/08/2021 13:14

What?! Is there a genuine reason he can't collect the children from his brothers house or does he just begrudge you going out?

Jammydodger1981 · 20/08/2021 13:14

YANBU OP, he doesn’t get to veto both plans. This sounds really controlling. Put your foot, tell him you’re going so which plan does he prefer.

Peace43 · 20/08/2021 13:16

He doesn’t get to veto these plans. You’ve made sensible childcare arrangements. Enjoy your evening out!

UserStillatLarge · 20/08/2021 13:17

@mrsplum101

What?! Is there a genuine reason he can't collect the children from his brothers house or does he just begrudge you going out?
Well this, but

TBH, I know this was a surprise, but I'd be annoyed if I was expected to just pick up childcare and suck up taxi fares without any prior discussion. So I don't think your friend has covered all bases.

LIZS · 20/08/2021 13:18

So his brother is babysitting for a couple of hours but your dp kicks off about collecting his child? Does he ever look after him alone? What is his issue if he passing the door anyway, would he prefer dc to be babysat at home?

NotImpossible · 20/08/2021 13:19

Tell him that you're not available to look after you're joint child that evening as you have plans. You have a couple of possible babysitters but of course he can make alternate arrangements if he wishes. He's a parent too after all, so if he'd prefer to look after his child himself he can. And smile sweetly.

NotImpossible · 20/08/2021 13:20

*your not you're

Fernando072020 · 20/08/2021 13:21

Sounds like he just doesn't want you going out so is being difficult, op.
There's no reason why he can't get hour DC from their uncle's and come home in a taxi as a one-off

Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:21

To be honest, he does live a very teetotal life... it doesn't apply to him through his own choice. His best mate is his brother and the most exciting thing they do together is go round to eachothers houses 😳

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 20/08/2021 13:21

I'm so sorry, OP, he's an arse. Is he always like this?

MiddleParking · 20/08/2021 13:22

He’s vile. Get rid. I know that sounds like an overreaction, but it isn’t. Someone who could behave that way certainly holds you in that kind of contempt.

Hardbackwriter · 20/08/2021 13:23

TBH, I know this was a surprise, but I'd be annoyed if I was expected to just pick up childcare and suck up taxi fares without any prior discussion.

Even for your partner's birthday? I'd be a bit annoyed that DH made plans that involved me taking a taxi with the DC at 9pm if it were for him to go for drinks after work but would happily do it for something special, and would expect him to do the same.

Billybagpuss · 20/08/2021 13:24

I assume that if he’s ‘forbidding ‘ you to go out he has something else amazing planned.

firstworldproblemsagain · 20/08/2021 13:24

Knob alert

rothbury · 20/08/2021 13:25

TBH, I know this was a surprise, but I'd be annoyed if I was expected to just pick up childcare and suck up taxi fares without any prior discussion. So I don't think your friend has covered all bases.

Childcare? It's his child!!!

What a total arse. Ask the brother if he will look after child at yours then, and he can just leave when DH arrives.

He sounds fucking awful though.

Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:26

Sorry, my previous comment was supposed to be a reply to "thanksforyourcommentrandomman".

As for picking up taxi fare and childcare - it will literally be a £6 fare (which I offered to pay) and the transferring DC from taxi into bed. We are very lucky that they love their sleep.

He's actually normally lovely :(

OP posts:
Bopahula · 20/08/2021 13:29

Gosh. What a nobber.
It won't get better. He doesn't have to change his life as he doesn't do much anyway. But he wants to curb yours.

Tell him if he doesn't like option one of brother you WILL be using option two of family friend and he can make alternative arrangements if he is unhappy with that.

LagunaBubbles · 20/08/2021 13:30

Is he normally so controlling? This really isn't a good sign.

Bluntness100 · 20/08/2021 13:31

What a dick head, I’d tell him to do one. He needs to step up and look after his kid, you’re entitled to a life. You don’t need to sort everything.

What an absolute tosser.

BeauxRingarde · 20/08/2021 13:32

My other idea was to leave our son with my other lifelong friends mum overnight (my own parents are unfortunately not an option, but I care about this woman like a mother, and vice versa) who had gladly agreed, but my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family

You're not actually going to let him decide this for you are you?

Send child to your friend, go out. Simple as that. He doesn't have to like it.

SpaceOp · 20/08/2021 13:33

My only question is why can't your BIL look after the kids at your house? Surely that's the least disruptive? You get in a takeaway for him or whatever, he looks after the kids, your DP then gets home and the two of them chill together or BIL goes home?

But basically, your DP is being a dick. There is no reason that you have to abandon all social life because you have children. Also, assuming he regularly spends time with his brother as per your update, does this mean it's okay for HIM to have a social life but not you!?

xyzandabc · 20/08/2021 13:36

Brother has agreed to babysit. DH is best mates with brother. I'd leave them to it between them to sort out what is going to happen with childcare. They are both grown men capable of looking after DC. If DH is walking home, it can't be that far, he doesn't even need a taxi, just walk with the DC in a pushchair. As a one off really not a problem.

If DH chooses not to collect DC from brother, I would hope his best mate brother would set him straight on what a dick he was being. Brother sound like a nice person and I'm sure he will care for the DC for as long as needed. If DC are not at home by the time you get home, then either you can go and get them, or pick them up in the morning. And both you and brother can tell DH what a dick he was.

TempName01 · 20/08/2021 13:37

Could he stay the night with DC at his brothers instead? Perhaps he is just miffed that it was arranged without him but I am betting that he assumes you are default parent for childcare whenever he goes out.

rothbury · 20/08/2021 13:37

On reflection, DP could pull a last minute fast one if you are relying on his brother.

Stick to the family friends and he like it or lump it.