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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being unfair?

110 replies

NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:09

It's my second birthday as a mum in a few weeks time. I did nothing last year for it due to COVID.

My best friend surprised me today, announcing that she's booked us a table at a local poncey cocktail bar. My partner is working on my birthday until 9pm, but my lovely mate had covered all bases and asked his brother (she works with him - we live in a very small town) if he will have DC for the evening. He has agreed. Brother had mentioned nothing yet due to it being a surprise.

Neither my partner nor his brother drive, however brother lives on the route my partner will walk home from work. So today, when my friend relayed her plans to me, I asked my partner if he'd mind going into his brothers' on his walk home from work and get a taxi the rest of the way home with DC.

My partner responded that perhaps I must regrettably accept that I don't get to do things like what we have planned anymore, due to having a kid, and write it off as a bad idea.

My other idea was to leave our son with my other lifelong friends mum overnight (my own parents are unfortunately not an option, but I care about this woman like a mother, and vice versa) who had gladly agreed, but my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family.

AIBU for being thoroughly pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 21:53

Sorry. I'm just venting to you all! Thank you for reading and assuring me that I'm not being completely unreasonable.

OP posts:
Blueeilidh · 20/08/2021 22:01

Did your friend speak to your husband before making plans? I'm getting the impression she didn't which is maybe why he is feeling a bit put out and responding by being disagreeable.

AnneKipankitoo · 20/08/2021 22:06

Not rtft but you could go out with your friend and he could look after the children.

GetMeOut22 · 20/08/2021 22:25

What a miserable man, doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2021 22:40

I'd argue having a social life is essential.

He doesn't want you to go. And that's very significant.

Recessed · 20/08/2021 22:47

he's normally lovely yes when you're sitting at home with no social life and making no demands on him. They're always lovely then. Put your foot down or live to regret it. You're going that's it he will have to accept one option or just go over his head and give your DC to your friends mum. If he's cross about it he can pick the child up from there after work. Knob.

diddl · 21/08/2021 08:38

I think if someone will have your son overnight then that's great.

When he gets in from work & you are out & your son is being cared for, what's he going to do?

Tbh I'd be considering doing fuck all for him now as it's not "essential"!

LimeRedBanana · 21/08/2021 08:42

@NikkiBK

To be honest, he does live a very teetotal life... it doesn't apply to him through his own choice. His best mate is his brother and the most exciting thing they do together is go round to eachothers houses 😳
See, I just don’t understand how you’ve ended up with someone like this, let alone had a baby with them.

He and I wouldn’t have got past the first date.

JurassicShay · 21/08/2021 08:52

He's being a knob, you've sorted child care so what's his real reason for you not going out?

I'm sorry but he can't just say I don't like the childcare when you've given him options!

Is he expecting you to stay in forever more?

Apeirogon · 21/08/2021 08:57

Stick to your guns OP. Do NOT give up on your lovely night out with your friend because your partner is being horrible.

Notimeforaname · 21/08/2021 08:59

Ok op, its very clear.

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO GO OUT.

For whatever reason.

He has shot down 4 or 5 different options.
He has 3 weeks notice
AND has told you now that you have a child you unfortunately cant go out.

It wouldn't matter of you gave him 6 months notice and 8 options.

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO GO OUT. Thats fucking weird and a bit scary.

WitchDancer · 21/08/2021 09:01

Just a different slant on this - does he not want you to go out because he had something planned for you when he gets in from work?

Oldtiredfedup · 21/08/2021 09:02

He’s very controlling -

YellowDingy2 · 21/08/2021 09:27

Please continue as planned and go out. He doesn't want you to go, he wants you at home with him as usual. Just tell him you've organised the childcare and what time you'll be out/back and go on your merry way. You don't need his permission to leave the house.

Notimeforaname · 21/08/2021 09:31

Yes please dont 'ask' or try to 'convince ' him can you goConfused

You have arranged childcare.
You are a grown woman.

If he doesnt want to pick the child up they can stay with bil. Done.

Dont let this be your life.

billy1966 · 21/08/2021 09:46

He is not lovely.

He is very controlling and does not want you to go out.

Definitely go out and have a hard think about how controlling he actually is.

This is NOT the behaviour of a lovely man.
Flowers

LannieDuck · 21/08/2021 09:59

@diddl He's not going to figure out childcare though is he?

No, of course he won't, but OP already has two back-up plans for when he doesn't.

LannieDuck · 21/08/2021 10:01

BIL and his girlfriend also have said that they would happily have DC overnight, to which my "dear" partner says he doesn't want to force our child on them as it isn't "essential".

I agree with the others - this isn't about childcare, this is about him not wanting you to go out.

It's a massive red flag suggesting controlling behaviour.

Driftingblue · 21/08/2021 10:03

I live a very child-centric life, but even I think your DP is being ridiculous. Several weeks in advance, your are arranging for your dc to stay with his uncle on your birthday and then be picked up by dad at a totally reasonable hour. You aren’t leaving your child with a stranger. Your child can even be home in his/her own bed that night.

Eilatan2018 · 21/08/2021 10:06

@UserStillatLarge.. he’s the child’s father?! Why shouldn’t he suck up childcare?! And taxi fair for his partners birthday treat! Jesus!!!

SilverTimpani · 21/08/2021 10:06

He’s being a prick. He begrudges you going out without him so he’s trying to derail it.

DO NOT LET HIM. You have to stand up for yourself on this occasion or he will pull this shit every time.

Pick the childcare option that works best for you, inform your partner that’s what’s happening, and if he objects tell him it’s his responsibility to sort out an alternative if he wants, but otherwise the plan stands.

SafeMove · 21/08/2021 10:11

The posters who are saying 'It shouldn't be foisted upon him' and 'Try change it to another night' 'I wouldn't be happy with my child doing X,y and z' etc. Why should OP bend? She has presented many childcare options, all suitable for a 2 year old. He is rejecting them all. Why should she bend when he is a cast iron rod, refusing to move? Relationships aren't one person exacting their will, rules and needs over another with zero collaboration. If you think it is, that isn't healthy. OP, are you managing to challenge him?

Zeev · 21/08/2021 10:14

@Driftingblue

I live a very child-centric life, but even I think your DP is being ridiculous. Several weeks in advance, your are arranging for your dc to stay with his uncle on your birthday and then be picked up by dad at a totally reasonable hour. You aren’t leaving your child with a stranger. Your child can even be home in his/her own bed that night.
This. Now that even more information has come out:
  • he has THREE WEEKS notice
  • OP has provided many reasonable and easy child care options
  • his own brother is happy to take care of DC and apparently DC goes there often as he has his own toys there
  • he says OP celebrating her birthday is not "essential"

The jury's not out anymore. He's controlling and he is trying to prevent you from going out.

thenewduchessofhastings · 21/08/2021 10:22

Has anyone else picked up on the fact that NikkiBK partner doesn't seem to think she's not allowed a night out with friends and is doing everything he can to ensure she doesn't go out?

Notimeforaname · 21/08/2021 10:39

thenewduchessofhastings yes its glaringly obvious isn't it?

I just hope op picks up on it instead of bending over backwards and giving in.

He's trying everything to stop her going out. And she's still 'asking' and 'suggesting' things to him. Very worryingSad