Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being unfair?

110 replies

NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:09

It's my second birthday as a mum in a few weeks time. I did nothing last year for it due to COVID.

My best friend surprised me today, announcing that she's booked us a table at a local poncey cocktail bar. My partner is working on my birthday until 9pm, but my lovely mate had covered all bases and asked his brother (she works with him - we live in a very small town) if he will have DC for the evening. He has agreed. Brother had mentioned nothing yet due to it being a surprise.

Neither my partner nor his brother drive, however brother lives on the route my partner will walk home from work. So today, when my friend relayed her plans to me, I asked my partner if he'd mind going into his brothers' on his walk home from work and get a taxi the rest of the way home with DC.

My partner responded that perhaps I must regrettably accept that I don't get to do things like what we have planned anymore, due to having a kid, and write it off as a bad idea.

My other idea was to leave our son with my other lifelong friends mum overnight (my own parents are unfortunately not an option, but I care about this woman like a mother, and vice versa) who had gladly agreed, but my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family.

AIBU for being thoroughly pissed off?

OP posts:
StarttoFinish · 20/08/2021 13:45

I actually think friend was quite rude to plan all this out, including his evening, without ever running it past him. Of course he should be fine with it but my first reaction might not be great to have this landed on me, a detour on the way from from a late night at work. Of course, once I'd got used to the idea it would be absolutely fine, but I might not demonstrate the model behaviour expected on MN in the first instance. I might also be embarrassed that I hadn't had anything to do with my partner's birthday plans. Again, my issue, but it wouldn't help my response.

If he's otherwise lovely, I'd expect him to come round. Unless of course his reaction is because he has something else planned. Is the trip on your actual birthday? I would expect a mother to prioritise her family on the day and celebrate with friends on another close date.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 20/08/2021 13:45

Let your family friend babysit and go out and have a good time.

He's not the boss of you and doesn't get to tell you what you can/can't do, what a dick.

Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:47

SpaceOp, I suppose BIL could, but DC loves going there because he has a garden (we live in a flat) and his own toys that live there that he gets to play with, and BIL has a dog which means a lot to a 2 year old 😂

xyz, I thought the same thing regarding pushchair, that was initially what I thought, when my partner said no I thought that maybe he just didn't want to walk along with DC in the dark, which was when the taxi was suggested.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 20/08/2021 13:47

YANBU

Could you rearrange to do it another night instead like a weekend he’s not working so he can watch the DCs if he is worried about leaving them with other people?

diddl · 20/08/2021 13:48

I can't see that it's actually putting him out at all.

Perhaps it's just the assumption that he had nothing planned has pissed him off?

Even so, he should get over that & be pleased for you imo.

Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:50

StarttoFinish yes, it is on the actual day of my birthday. He is working from 11am-9pm on the day of my birthday so the only family member I'd be spending the day with anyway is DC.

OP posts:
MNmonster · 20/08/2021 13:51

What hasn't DH booked your birthday off to do something nice with you? That is the real problem here TBH.

CallmeHendricks · 20/08/2021 13:53

"My partner responded that perhaps I must regrettably accept that I don't get to do things like what we have planned anymore, due to having a kid, and write it off as a bad idea."

Whaaaaaat???!! Who BELIEVES this kind of shit?

Notonthestairs · 20/08/2021 13:55

Basically you aren't allowed to go out again because you have a child.

Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:58

MNmonster, he did try!! But two other colleagues are off that day so his request was refused.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/08/2021 14:01

TBH, I know this was a surprise, but I'd be annoyed if I was expected to just pick up childcare and suck up taxi fares without any prior discussion. So I don't think your friend has covered all bases. So ow do you start a conversation about it? This was OP disussing it. This was OP trying to make the last of the arrangements for her birthday.

Weird train of thought - don't ask because you haven't had a prior discussion!

Dixiechickonhols · 20/08/2021 14:03

It’s quite normal to want to go out for your birthday. Of course you get to do things as planned with a child?? It’s spontaneous going out that’s trickier.
You are going. You’ve made arrangements for babysitting until he is off work. If he’s not happy with your babysitter he can make his own babysitting arrangements.
If he’s used to coming and going as please maybe you need some set plans/activity each week so you are not just default childcare.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/08/2021 14:03

my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family Oh tell him to wind his oh so controlling neck in!

He is telling you that your judgement is not to be trusted, that he will override you as and when he sees fit!

His own brother is a no because - summink, summink

A trusted friend is a no because - your judgement is lacking, they aren't trustworthy

Not a good way to live, OP!

Knittingupastorm · 20/08/2021 14:04

@BeauxRingarde

My other idea was to leave our son with my other lifelong friends mum overnight (my own parents are unfortunately not an option, but I care about this woman like a mother, and vice versa) who had gladly agreed, but my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family

You're not actually going to let him decide this for you are you?

Send child to your friend, go out. Simple as that. He doesn't have to like it.

I think the partner is in the wrong and should accept the plan for the BIL to babysit. However, I disagree with what you’ve written here, of course he gets a say in who has his child over night. If my DH suggested sending our 2 year old somewhere for the night that I wasn’t comfortable with, I’d be so cross if his response was “well she’s going, you don’t have to like it”.
Tal45 · 20/08/2021 14:15

I don't understand why he's being so mean? Why can't he just pick his child up from his brothers? It's your birthday for gods sake.

StarttoFinish · 20/08/2021 14:15

OK, so if we go with "he's usually lovely", he's reacted badly to the fact he'd hoped to do something nice for your birthday, but couldn't because of work, he'd hoped he'd still be able to have a nice evening when he got home and someone else is now spoiling you.

His actual words are very off, but I think the reaction is understandable.

This is why surprises are over rated IMO.

godmum56 · 20/08/2021 14:19

@StarttoFinish

OK, so if we go with "he's usually lovely", he's reacted badly to the fact he'd hoped to do something nice for your birthday, but couldn't because of work, he'd hoped he'd still be able to have a nice evening when he got home and someone else is now spoiling you.

His actual words are very off, but I think the reaction is understandable.

This is why surprises are over rated IMO.

yep this^ If your friend had covered all the bases, she would have got your husband in on the secret?
BeauxRingarde · 20/08/2021 14:19

However, I disagree with what you’ve written here, of course he gets a say in who has his child over night. If my DH suggested sending our 2 year old somewhere for the night that I wasn’t comfortable with, I’d be so cross if his response was “well she’s going, you don’t have to like it”

And what if there was an earlier plan to leave them with someone you were confortable with, which wasn't happening because you couldn't be bothered to pick them up from there?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/08/2021 14:26

He doesnt sound lovely sorry. If he had said it wasmt possible that day because of some logistical reason then maybe fair enough as a one off. But as it stands he a. Wont put himself out, very slightly, for you to do something that you want, on your birthday and b. Is saying that now you're a parent, this is going to be the way it is, forever (wtaf?!) And c. Is saying that his views override yours in terms of childcare because 'blood is thicker than water's or some such rubbish. Fair enough not wanting a random stranger to babysit but he doesnt wsnt someone you consider to be like a mother!?

This doesnt sound like views that 'someone who is normally lovely' would hold. It sounds controlling and like he is doing everything possible to stop you going out. Which unless he has got his own surprise planned and is trying to keep it secret, is controlling behaviour

Cam2020 · 20/08/2021 14:31

Yep, that's right, life stops completely after you've had a child Hmm. He sounds like a miserable arse at best and controlling at worst.

MiddleParking · 20/08/2021 14:33

The reason OP’s friend arranged it this way is because she knew he hadn’t arranged anything for her birthday and wasn’t going to, nor would he have arranged it so that he could look after his own children while OP went out, because OP’s friend knows that he is in fact very far from normally lovely but rather he’s always varying degrees of controlling dickhead.

nanbread · 20/08/2021 14:37

I wonder if he's "normally lovely" because you haven't actually tried to go out or do anything without your DC yet?

I think he's being unfair, controlling, and plain wrong.

Does he really think that parents just don't have a social life once they have kids?

In terms of a solution, could DB have your DC overnight?

Skysblue · 20/08/2021 14:50

Partner doesn’t want you to go out on your birthday 😔 and is sabotaging it - this is controlling and not ok. My DH can be a dick sometimes but he would be thrilled for me if I managed to arrange a night out and also sorted childcare in a way so inconvenient to him.

Irrespective of how he feels about it - and no one asked for his opinion on if you should go out - why can’t he collect his kids on way home??

PurpleDaisies · 20/08/2021 14:52

It’s not his decision. Stick to your guns. I agree, he doesn’t sound lovely. He sounds controlling.

FairFuming · 20/08/2021 15:16

Surely he can go to his DB and they can all have a sleepover together there if he doesn't want to move your DC.

I'd tell him that you have suggested 2 brilliant childcare options and if he doesn't like either then he can sort something else out as you are going out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread