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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being unfair?

110 replies

NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 13:09

It's my second birthday as a mum in a few weeks time. I did nothing last year for it due to COVID.

My best friend surprised me today, announcing that she's booked us a table at a local poncey cocktail bar. My partner is working on my birthday until 9pm, but my lovely mate had covered all bases and asked his brother (she works with him - we live in a very small town) if he will have DC for the evening. He has agreed. Brother had mentioned nothing yet due to it being a surprise.

Neither my partner nor his brother drive, however brother lives on the route my partner will walk home from work. So today, when my friend relayed her plans to me, I asked my partner if he'd mind going into his brothers' on his walk home from work and get a taxi the rest of the way home with DC.

My partner responded that perhaps I must regrettably accept that I don't get to do things like what we have planned anymore, due to having a kid, and write it off as a bad idea.

My other idea was to leave our son with my other lifelong friends mum overnight (my own parents are unfortunately not an option, but I care about this woman like a mother, and vice versa) who had gladly agreed, but my partner said no to that too as he doesn't trust people outside the family.

AIBU for being thoroughly pissed off?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2021 15:26

@nanbread

I wonder if he's "normally lovely" because you haven't actually tried to go out or do anything without your DC yet?

I think he's being unfair, controlling, and plain wrong.

Does he really think that parents just don't have a social life once they have kids?

In terms of a solution, could DB have your DC overnight?

Lock down has been an absolute gift to borderline abusive men. The government locked up their wives and girlfriends. Exiting is going to be an education for many.

He's lovely because he's happy when you're locked up OP. Many men show different colours after children and yours just has. Listen carefully.

Zilla1 · 20/08/2021 15:44

Regrettably he doesn't get to apply the lowest common denominator of a social life to another adult just because his DB and DP represent the entirety of his life. Regrettably, he can parent his child. Regrettably, you might need to apply a critical eye to his behaviour towards you in the future, OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2021 15:51

what an asshole

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 15:54

Good Lord, @NikkiBK

You are not a child and he is not your dad ticking you off! He certainly doesn't get to veto your plans - especially when you have TWO options for childcare for your mutual child.

If he's being difficult about the arrangements as far as his brother is concerned, I'd just confirm with your family friend - and tell his brother why....

Hope you have a great birthday - and what lovely friends you have! 🌹

Hemingwaycat · 20/08/2021 16:01

He has absolutely no reason not to collect your child, he’s doing it to prevent you going out. Controlling dickhead.

Chloemol · 20/08/2021 16:14

Why can’t your child stay overnight with your bil?

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/08/2021 16:21

@StarttoFinish

I actually think friend was quite rude to plan all this out, including his evening, without ever running it past him. Of course he should be fine with it but my first reaction might not be great to have this landed on me, a detour on the way from from a late night at work. Of course, once I'd got used to the idea it would be absolutely fine, but I might not demonstrate the model behaviour expected on MN in the first instance. I might also be embarrassed that I hadn't had anything to do with my partner's birthday plans. Again, my issue, but it wouldn't help my response.

If he's otherwise lovely, I'd expect him to come round. Unless of course his reaction is because he has something else planned. Is the trip on your actual birthday? I would expect a mother to prioritise her family on the day and celebrate with friends on another close date.

^This. Your friend included your DHs brother but not your DH on birthday plans for you.....very very rude to do. Smack in the face rude. But, yes, I’d come round eventually and apologise for initial unhappy at the surprise reaction.
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/08/2021 16:22

I'd be inclined to agree with him if part of the issue is you want to do that night because it's your birthday night. Is there another night you can do it that he's home? I wouldn't like the idea of my 2 year old being babysat in someone else's house and to be collected at 9pm if it could be avoided by swopping nights.

LannieDuck · 20/08/2021 17:18

"OK, well you figure out childcare then. I'll be going out with my friend that evening."

diddl · 20/08/2021 17:21

"Smack in the face rude" to take your friend out & organise childcare when her partner is working?
GrinGrin

StarttoFinish · 20/08/2021 17:24

Would he have responded better on an evening when he could just have been at home looking after his own children rather than having them foisted on someone else and him having to collect them quite late in the evening after a long shift?

I have to admit, wouldn't be impressed at the idea of collecting DC and getting them to bed after 9pm, but fine to have them at home all evening.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/08/2021 17:28

@diddl

"Smack in the face rude" to take your friend out & organise childcare when her partner is working? GrinGrin
You’re misquoting me. I said it was smack in the face rude to plan a birthday surprise for OP and include the OP’s DH’s brother (and all these friends) in the planning of the surprise but not OPs own DH who was also essential to the child care arrangements. What if the DH had a surprise of his own planned? The OPs friend should have included him in the planning even if he wasn’t needed for child care just out of courtesy.
Zeev · 20/08/2021 17:34

@LannieDuck

"OK, well you figure out childcare then. I'll be going out with my friend that evening."
This.

You mention that DC has his own toys at BIL's, so I assume he goes there often? But right now on this very day it's suddenly an issue? Not impressed with your DH, tbh.

diddl · 20/08/2021 17:36

@LannieDuck

"OK, well you figure out childcare then. I'll be going out with my friend that evening."
He's not going to figure out childcare though is he?
Sadiecow · 20/08/2021 17:42

TBH, I know this was a surprise, but I'd be annoyed if I was expected to just pick up childcare and suck up taxi fares without any prior discussion. So I don't think your friend has covered all bases.

Childcare by a parent is called parenting!

He's being knob OP, go and have fun and happy birthday!

Sadiecow · 20/08/2021 17:43

@PlanDeRaccordement but he hasn't got anything planned, probably viably not a surprise for anyone!

diddl · 20/08/2021 17:46

So if he doesn't want the friend to babysit & doesn't want to collect his son from your brother's, can your brother babysit at yours & you pay for a taxi to & from yours if necessary?

Babyroobs · 20/08/2021 17:47

Sounds like it might have been easier just to plan the night out on a different night when he isn't working. Does it have to be on your actual birthday?

diddl · 20/08/2021 17:50

Sorry, hs brother not your brother!

user1592512579 · 20/08/2021 17:53

He is definitely being an arse and should just pick up the child after work if that's what you want.

That said, I'd be annoyed if somebody thought it was appropriate to book something for me on a night my husband works that involved my child being out of the house until close to 10pm

Howshouldibehave · 20/08/2021 17:53

Sorry, but he is being a dick.

Does he not like you going out without him?

GintyMcGinty · 20/08/2021 18:04

Your partner is an arse.

Notimeforaname · 20/08/2021 18:04

That's really mean. It's your birthday.
Clearly he can only think about himself.

Dontwatchfootball · 20/08/2021 18:15

He is really making no effort for you to have a special evening is he? Sorry.

Original poster
NikkiBK · 20/08/2021 21:51

I do completely understand those saying that they'd be pissed off at having these plans just foisted upon them, but they really weren't - not only is my birthday still three weeks away, but it just wasn't phrased that way. My friend told me the plans today so that they wouldn't just be sprung on him as it's still a few weeks away.

I will mention now that my like-a-mum-to-me friends said to me a few days ago that if I wanted a night off on my birthday so that me and DP (or whoever really) could celebrate, she'd take DC for the night.

So, I rang DP after getting off the phone with my friend, and told him excitedly that I'd be going out on my birthday. He reminded me that he is working. I said that's okay, we've got a few different options for childcare and told him that his own brother had said he'd have DC and so could my aforementioned family friend.

BIL and his girlfriend also have said that they would happily have DC overnight, to which my "dear" partner says he doesn't want to force our child on them as it isn't "essential".

He may well be doing a long day at work that day but I think, given that it's literally the only time he's ever been asked something like this, some leeway could be granted.

OP posts:
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