AIBU to quit my career even though I have DCs

[Lucycantdance]

Qualified as a lawyer in 2010 and loved it. Then DCs came along, went part-time and have tried three different roles now but have developed (since pregnancy and insane workload/stress levels at time) horrific anxiety about work. I worry about the smallest thing that I may have done wrong. Yesterday spent afternoon crying after anxiety attack as was worried told a client the wrong thing. Colleague said it was very minor and probably not even wrong. I rationally know this but the anxiety continues. I am exhausted.

DH has a good job but wants to go out on his own early next year which will mean some uncertainty. He sees me in the moments I love law and feels I would be throwing it all away. He wants me to carry on trying. I am trying counselling etc. I just don't think it will change the fundamental issue that is law and that mistakes mean a lot.

AIBU for quitting even though we would take a hit financially and just doing an admin role/low stress role. I don't earn mega bucks but it isn't bad for four days a week. Am I being completely selfish to my DCs (4 and 7). It would mean the end of some of the nice things we do at least in short term. Should I just tough it out? Please be kind as poss so don't end up crying again.

I feel exactly the same OP in what is considered a basic admin job unfortunately. I don't think I am cut out to juggle working and kids TBH.

YANBU. Law can be stressful and you find yourself second-guessing yourself, re-checking deadlines, dates, etc. A small error can sometimes mean massive difficulties. However, you have done it for 11 years so you are very experienced. I doubt you would be making lots of mistakes. If you are it’s because of your mental state. If you love law, would some time out help? Perhaps certified sick leave so that you can get your thoughts together. Then make your decision when you have a clearer mind.
I quit law in 2015 though. Best thing I ever did for my family and I.

@MNmonster this is something I worry about. Never escaping the worry in any job. Sorry you feel this way too

@Brokenfurnitureandroses

YANBU. Law can be stressful and you find yourself second-guessing yourself, re-checking deadlines, dates, etc. A small error can sometimes mean massive difficulties. However, you have done it for 11 years so you are very experienced. I doubt you would be making lots of mistakes. If you are it’s because of your mental state. If you love law, would some time out help? Perhaps certified sick leave so that you can get your thoughts together. Then make your decision when you have a clearer mind. I quit law in 2015 though. Best thing I ever did for my family and I.

Can I ask what you ended up doing? x

If you don't want to work there, and you can afford not to, and your DH is happy to give up his ambitions if it puts a strain on the finances, then of course look after your health. But I wonder if the anxiety you have now about law, wont just go away but will just be transferred to another area of your life. I think you should work on your anxiety itself, whether that be by taking time off before starting a new job, or by having counseling while you're working. Anxiety is such an awful thing to deal with - I do honestly know - so I wish you all the best.

I had to leave my job through anxiety, so I understand how difficult it all is. Came to a head when I was discovered trying to break my foot with a hammer so I had a genuine reason mot to go to work the next day.

Oh god I know exactly what you mean. The anxiety is crippling and there is no logical reason for it. I started taking sertraline which has really helped.

I am not in law but feel the same as you- and spent yesterday crying about something minor. My husband thinks i should take a break from work to reset myself and I would like to but it will half our household income. I change my mind daily between loving working and wanting to quit to spend more time with the children. I have no answer but just letting you know you aren’t alone!

It sounds like you could do with a break and clear your head.

If you love the law, you don't have to leave it. Once you are on steadier ground, consider going in-house. The work is more varied and commercial and mistakes don't matter as much as in private practice and the time lines are gentler. Join a legal team , rather than sole counsel, so that you are not the only one doing everything.

Apart from inhouse in a company, if you like to continue working in a law firm, it is not just being a PSL, you can also join the risk and compliance team - they would typically do AML, conflicts checks, engagement letters, SRA compliance. Again, join an existing team. The work is interesting and it is easier to get part time roles.

I came to suggest going in-house too. I love it. It can still be pressured but it doesn't feel as over the top stressful

In house, compliance and/or audit, Procurement (a law degree is a huge asset). Commercial bid work

Legal skills are massively transferable especially if you have practised.
What type of law do you practice?

How was your mat leave each time? Did you take a proper break, or the bare minimum?

Have you considered taking a sabbatical from law, as opposed to quitting it permanently? I know taking time out intuitively doesn't sound like it will help with the anxiety - you'll lose some of the day-to-day knowledge - but there are some really good programmes out there for returners when you come back, and if you've been struggling since having kids, taking a year out to work on your anxiety and develop some coping strategies might not be the worst move if it's something you can afford.

Of course. I moved to primary teaching - family friendly hours/holidays and luckily got a job within walking distance (that was v good luck). I love the job too and I’m looking forward to going back after the Summer holidays. I’m not in the UK though, I understand that primary teaching is v different there. However, you could look into similar roles eg teaching assistant.

It's not so much the mistakes as the way you're reacting. There are people out there making massive mistakes every day who don't give a monkeys. You can learn to compartmentalize.

I gave up(family) law when my 3 children were small and I separated from my ex. I couldn't cope with the stress of it all. I took a 3 day a week job as a family support worker which meant much less stress and also meant I could claim working family tax credit (as it then was) .

I decide to go back to law when they hit their teens and were more independent as I realised that as each child left my income would decrease dramatically. I now work in child protection and the stress is worse than ever but now that the kids are older teens I can cope.

What sort of law do you do?

Another ex-lawyer now teacher. Best decision I ever made. Law firms are awful for part-time work. You end up doing 90% of the workload for 60% of the pay.
Having school holidays off will benefit your DC for the next 10-15 years, even into their college days. Even when they're done you need that time for yourself and your home.
I can't wait to tell my DIL (when I have them) that I'm free to help with school holiday care.

I went through the exact same thing. Am over the other side now. My advice. Tough it out.

@Member869894 personal injury but not in UK. Dealing with a range of very damaged people.

I did a career change in my 30s with 2 kids. I had been anxious and unhappy for a while. I looked on jobs boards to see what was out there. Did this for 3 years until dream job opportunity came up. I left and it’s been really great. Good work-life balance, anxiety much reduced, small pay cut, but then got a promotion. I was lucky that DH had a stable job and was supportive. Good luck on exploring all your options - I’m sure you have lots of transferable skills

I left a fancy media job so I could actually spend time with DP and DSS. I haven’t regretted it in the sense I get paid more now and have much more time but also, being very honest, I hate the fact I do an admin job when I used to be “important” (this is ridiculous, I know, and I’m not saying admin jobs aren’t!) and I really miss the work.

@Lucycantdance I know two lawyers who were in your situation. One went to work for a small charity and the other for a larger NGO but part time. Both said it was by far the best choice.

Could you ask for a 6 month leave of absence which will give you time to clear your head, get more in-depth counseling for mental health and anxiety and perhaps start looking for your next step? Gives you time to get everything sorted before giving up the role permanently.

@Brokenfurnitureandroses

Of course. I moved to primary teaching - family friendly hours/holidays and luckily got a job within walking distance (that was v good luck). I love the job too and I’m looking forward to going back after the Summer holidays. I’m not in the UK though, I understand that primary teaching is v different there. However, you could look into similar roles eg teaching assistant.

Or HE teaching?

@Brokenfurnitureandroses I’m actually overseas too and teaching here seems such a nice profession compared to the stressfulness of it in the U.K. I’m tempted. Whereabouts are you?

I sympathise - lawyer too and it is a very anxiety inducing role. I moved to compliance but would not say it is less stressful. Don’t feel bad about it, it is a profession known for poor mental health and well-being .

I used to find admin work terribly dull. It's not well paid and not well respected. I used to come home from work and cry with frustration.

I would consider addressing your anxiety first and moving to a less stressful area (in-house?) before making such a drastic switch.