AIBU to quit my career even though I have DCs

[Lucycantdance]

Qualified as a lawyer in 2010 and loved it. Then DCs came along, went part-time and have tried three different roles now but have developed (since pregnancy and insane workload/stress levels at time) horrific anxiety about work. I worry about the smallest thing that I may have done wrong. Yesterday spent afternoon crying after anxiety attack as was worried told a client the wrong thing. Colleague said it was very minor and probably not even wrong. I rationally know this but the anxiety continues. I am exhausted.

DH has a good job but wants to go out on his own early next year which will mean some uncertainty. He sees me in the moments I love law and feels I would be throwing it all away. He wants me to carry on trying. I am trying counselling etc. I just don't think it will change the fundamental issue that is law and that mistakes mean a lot.

AIBU for quitting even though we would take a hit financially and just doing an admin role/low stress role. I don't earn mega bucks but it isn't bad for four days a week. Am I being completely selfish to my DCs (4 and 7). It would mean the end of some of the nice things we do at least in short term. Should I just tough it out? Please be kind as poss so don't end up crying again.

I left law (at a much earlier career stage, and pre-children, but still a big step) in 2013. I've questioned myself over it so many times, but I can honestly say it's the best decision I could have made. There were elements that I loved, but the anxiety was crippling.

I moved into a charity advocacy role, and the relief of knowing that a mistake was easy to fix, and that work was not expected to follow me home, was immeasurable. I have a lot of respect for the lawyers I know who manage to stay sane as parents - I could not have juggled the competing demands. So YANBU at all!

Have you tried the LawCare helpline?
www.lawcare.org.uk/

I moved from private practice into legal writing for ten years while children were small. Badly paid but I did learn a lot, and I had complete control over my hours as long as I did the work. Now I am back practising in-house.

I feel for you. Is it worth speaking to Gp? I’m a former PI solicitor now working as a solicitor for a council. Varied role. Lots of my former colleagues left to none solicitor roles - school admin, school business manager type role, university teaching, health & safety role in a hospital.

I know someone else who quit to work as a registrar. You have lots of transferrable skills.

Maybe it’s because you do personal injury and your clients are individuals rather than corporates? And by definition they are people who’ve already suffered? So you are much more conscious of mistakes due to the impact on those people.

I wonder if perhaps you might find it easier working for corporate clients where if you make a mistake the consequence is less money for shareholders (ok oversimplification but you see what I mean) rather than life changing for an injured person.

This might seem irrelevant but when did you last have a decent holiday? I know holidays aren’t as relaxing with young kids but I mean a proper time away for at least 10 days without loads of chores. I would take time out if you possibly can - make it a priority. And evaluate when you’ve had some proper time to unwind.

Thank you all so much. Given this a lot of thought over last few days and seriously considering primary teaching... (I don't live in the UK, it is apparently a lot less stressful here on other side of world). I might not go for it but this thread has really opened my eyes up. I think deep down my heart is just not in the career anymore and the "love" bits are very few and far between.

I could have written your post. Lawyer too and exact range of anxieties and worries about any mistake. It is brutal. I note others saying in house is better and less stressful, but not in my field of law. It is as stressful as private practice. In fact clients want more in a different way.

I echo what @LondonerRandomName says. I'm in-house (for 7 years now after 8 years in PP) and it's just as hard if not harder. I work similarly long hours and the internal clients have direct access to be demanding! It always makes me laugh when people suggest in-house as an 'easier' option. Unless you're in a huge team or a very small/quiet business I just don't see how that is the case. None of the in-house lawyers I know have an easy ride. I love working in my industry and my team, but it is very hard work (I'm still working at 11pm). I work just as hard if not harder than my DH (partner in mid-size firm who was the highest billing partner in his firm pre-pandemic). Obvs he gets paid double what I do but I'm in a desirable/poorly paid industry (for lawyers, but its relative of course). Going in house is not the answer to relieving the pressure/less hours unless you are very lucky.

As someone about to start an in house role these answers are not what I want to read!!

The thing is I tried government legal which is probably comparable but tbh it came with its own stresses. I would also add that email has ruined this job for me too.

@user1473878824

I left a fancy media job so I could actually spend time with DP and DSS. I haven’t regretted it in the sense I get paid more now and have much more time but also, being very honest, I hate the fact I do an admin job when I used to be “important” (this is ridiculous, I know, and I’m not saying admin jobs aren’t!) and I really miss the work.

Can you say more? Confused how an admin job pays more than a "fancy media job"?

@minipie it's not all bad plus I'm relatively senior so the pressures are greater at my level. I am pretty happy in my role and would never go back to private practice. For me it's the combination of an under-resourced team in a business that has grown beyond recognition in a short space of time plus Covid madness so we're playing catch up. But we've hired recently so things are looking up. For me, working in a business is a lot more interesting than being in PP and the work is incredibly varied. But generally in-house is not the 9-5 non-pressured experience that it might have been 10+ years ago!

@WFHWF

Just wanted to say I hear you OP. Another lawyer here that could’ve written your post. When your confidence takes a dive, it can be so isolating and difficult to recover from. WFH constantly can made this worse in my opinion. There are no colleagues around to commiserate with or cheer you up. I wish you well and recommend speaking to a career coach about your thoughts. I have done that in the last couple of months and feel more confident about what I have achieved and how to position myself for a new role.

I do WFH mostly too so yes that doesn't help. Thanks.

I echo JW13 that inhouse can be long hours. I did say join a big team. In a bigger team, the work is shared around more and there is less of a feeling like everything is on you. Deadlines slip, but there is safety in numbers.

I have been inhouse for 10 years and whilst it is busy, the difference is I choose to work late hours. The world generally does not cave in if I decided did not do that thing this evening (because I have better control over my hours and not at a client's beck and call) and there is no fee-earning pressure. The internal clients are closer to me but I am more able to say no to them and they have to lump it. If they are nice to me, I am inclined to help them. I do them a favour to prioritise their work rather than it being fully expected of me as I am a scare resource. One of the big challenges inhouse is there generally isn't enough resources so you have a workload that is constantly high, rather than peaks and troughs in private practice, but you get used to it (or quit, haha).

In private practice, I feel stressed when I am busy and stressed when I am not busy because I won't be billing enough. So I was never really happy as a practising lawyer and disliked schmoozing clients. Mentally, in house is more liberating.

God anyone reading this must think law is absolutely awful. I am sure there good bits but I seem to have forgotten what they are :(

@minipie

As someone about to start an in house role these answers are not what I want to read!!

@minipie I love my in-house legal job. It's busy but I have a lot of autonomy over my hours and how I work, and family can always come first if it needs to

Thanks for the later reassuring posts about in house!

Wondered if people would like an update. I’m still in my role. I did counselling and came through the other side. I’m feeling stronger.

However…. I think I now know that the love really has gone. I still have shitty days - don’t we all - but in my job the implications of not being “perfect” can be huge. So, this year I’m on the lookout for alternative roles. However with my confidence back (to some extent) I’m looking at good well paid jobs rather than lower paid roles.

You are all so wise - so any suggestions welcome. Really appreciated the feedback.

ps I looked into teaching but I think that would be frying pan/fire

Well done OP - I have been in law the same amount of time as you and it’s a mental game. A tough one. Keep up the support if you can - I used a careers coach and she did help me. You can find ex lawyers doing this and they will help you!

I moved into compliance, I love it and it is varied and fulfilling. I often recommend it to lawyers feeling burnt out. It is not stress free though! But I don’t have imposter syndrome anymore and that make the mental battle easier. money is decent and can often be negotiated. It’s a growing sector so opportunities are good.

I’m on mat leave and (mostly) looking forward to going back.

if I was seriously looking for another sector I would look at being a notary/actuary - they make seriously good money and it seems decent in terms of what you have to do!

have you considered how much stress you are willing to take on in your new role? How much responsibility you want/not?

@OuiLaLa I have been thinking about compliance. In all honesty it’s not an area I know a lot about. I’m ok with stress in terms of workload/deadlines - I thrive, but I guess I need feedback and a team environment to feel supported? Would you say a career coach is worth it? I do think I need someone to explain all of these varied jobs out there to me. Also I live overseas, it seems easier here to access jobs without specific niche experience…

I'm personal injury too OP. Catastrophic injury and also abuse cases.

Went through a stage of feeling exactly as you're describing.

Why helped was learning about vicarious trauma and having a few counselling sessions to offload and unpick some of the more troubling habits/coping mechanisms and also anti burnout training.

Now my work hasn't changed. In fact I have a bigger caseload and also more management stuff to do as I've got a promotion BUT I feel fine. Am back to loving my work Nd the helping people aspect of it without breaking my heart and freaking out every day.

Anti burnout coaching was with this lady-

www.searchingforserenity.co.uk/

Vicarious trauma was with the author's of this book

www.amazon.co.uk/Vicarious-Trauma-Legal-Profession-collective-ebook/dp/B08WH7XC3R/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=26829PULUG9PM&keywords=vicarious+trauma+in+the+legal+profession&qid=1676184282&sprefix=vicar%2Caps%2C136&sr=8-1

And a few sessions with a local counsellor.

I spent probably about a thousand pounds over the course of a year on it all and it's the BEST money I ever spent. I've gone from not sleeping, dreading work, wondering how I'll make it through the next year let alone to retirement to feeling pretty calm about it all. Still stressful job of course BUT that stress doesn't consume me I still feel a bit anxious about things at times BUT it's at a normal and proportionate level to what is actually happening.

Before you quit your career I would honestly strongly encourage you to try to fix the anxiety. Concern is if you don't you take your head and those feelings and those maladaptive behaviours into whatever new job you do and are then in the same position as before just with lower salary.

All the best OP. Feel free to drop me a DM if you would like to chat about the coaching etc.

Sorry OP if not read your update before posting 🤦‍♀️

Glad that you found counselling helpful.