AIBU to quit my career even though I have DCs

[Lucycantdance]

Qualified as a lawyer in 2010 and loved it. Then DCs came along, went part-time and have tried three different roles now but have developed (since pregnancy and insane workload/stress levels at time) horrific anxiety about work. I worry about the smallest thing that I may have done wrong. Yesterday spent afternoon crying after anxiety attack as was worried told a client the wrong thing. Colleague said it was very minor and probably not even wrong. I rationally know this but the anxiety continues. I am exhausted.

DH has a good job but wants to go out on his own early next year which will mean some uncertainty. He sees me in the moments I love law and feels I would be throwing it all away. He wants me to carry on trying. I am trying counselling etc. I just don't think it will change the fundamental issue that is law and that mistakes mean a lot.

AIBU for quitting even though we would take a hit financially and just doing an admin role/low stress role. I don't earn mega bucks but it isn't bad for four days a week. Am I being completely selfish to my DCs (4 and 7). It would mean the end of some of the nice things we do at least in short term. Should I just tough it out? Please be kind as poss so don't end up crying again.

@EdithDickie thanks so much for taking the time to post. It’s actually an aspect I hadn’t considered before. I deal with similar work to you. I’m not rushing into anything so will definitely read that book.

Go to the GP and ask for sertraline. It will help with your anxiety. I had the same and this medication at the lowest dose helped. I took it for a couple of years and then came off once I’d had an established time feeling confident and at ease in work.

Hi OP, I'm a lawyer too and sympathise. I think in your shoes I'd spend some time thinking about what it is that you used to enjoy about your job and what you don't like about it. It might help you identify what would work best for your next step. Anyway, some ideas-

• know-how role, either as a PSL in private practice or for eg Lexis or similar (not sure where you are and what the equivalent is)
• charity- I have a few friends who stepped sideways (from unrelated practice areas) into legal roles at charities. Tends to be broader that a typical pp role and rewarding if it's a cause you care about
• government- think you said you tried this and it didn't suit though
• legal teaching
• obvious one but another firm? Sometimes all you need is a change of scene

Very pleased you didn't quite before, good decision.

I think it’s definitely worth speaking to a career coach.

Would something like procurement or contract management be of interest to you??

Namechanged for this. I moved in-house and couldn’t be happier. People are much much nicer which makes a huge difference and means that mistakes are less of a big deal. The work is still challenging and there are some stressful times when there’s a deadline as with any job but in general there is a huge amount of flexibility in how I manage my workload, how and when I complete tasks, I do a mix of work from home and in-office, I can make all the children’s events at school and just fit it around the job. All this and I actually get paid way more than in my previous private practice role.

I think the counselling and mental health advice is good but I would couple it with a change of environment as it does sound like the environment is the root cause. I had a few very low periods in my previous roles but not had any such issues at all in my current role which I’ve been in for a good few years now.

I was an actuary OP and moved to lecturing. It's still stressful but ultimately it was a great move for me and I really enjoy the teaching aspect. Could you look into something like that, whether through a university or a company that does training towards professional exams (BPP for my profession in the UK, not sure about law)?

My DIL did this, harrowing work at your best. Her pregnancy and birth very difficult and risky they both nearly died. She quit. Went into motherhood for a time. Then branched out into a completely different direction.

I'd say you need a reset too

Hi OP,

I'm a lawyer in the middle of side stepping into being a Solicitor Apprentice coach at a (UK) uni. I love it. The pay is similar to what I earn in a high street firm but way more flexible and enjoyable. It's not teaching, it's more like being a mentor for the students. Worth exploring if you have anything similar in your country?

Thanks for all these great suggestions- looking into them all.

I think the problem is you may end up feeling the same in another job, but with a lot less money and having to deal with the stress of that.

I've just quit personal injury, it was ruining my life. There was never a moment where work wasn't on my mind. I couldn't enjoy holidays anymore. I'm starting a new job this week in property / landlord and tenant disputes. I can't tell you if it's any better yet but I figure a change is as good as a rest. What I was doing wasn't working for me so worth a try.

Best of luck OP! I was in a similar situation as you - but in healthcare. Switched to tech - way happier. Btw - tech has lots of non-coding roles: project management, compliance, information governance/security.

@Oysterbabe I think I may have seen your posts on another thread? I feel exactly the same sadly.

@Namenic something like project management sounds so appealing. I feel like I have lots of skills that I could put to use, without the constant level of anxiety to varying extents.

@Lucycantdance - for project management or ‘product owner’/product manager type roles, sometimes an entry point is business analyst.

In this role you talk to internal or external stakeholders and find out what their requirements are. You then record what features they want and liase with the tech team to get the features coded and tested. Look on jobs websites for the terms ‘business analyst’ or ‘product’ or ‘project’ and see if you like the job descriptions.

Don’t be fazed by terms like Agile or Prince2. These are ways of working common in the tech world - many companies would sponsor people to go on a course. Jira is a piece of software where people record the features that the stakeholders want on ‘tickets’. You can then track the progress of these (eg ‘in progress’, ‘testing’, ‘done’).

So helpful thank you! @Namenic

I love tech, but I am not sure I'd make rash decisions at age 7 and 4 - you've done all the hard slog of most of the younger years and I found things got easier when they were 5 plus. I wonder whether a LOA or sabbatical isn't a better idea

And I've seen plenty of PMs burn out - that's the level where in anything remotely client facing you are in the firing line. It can be an incredibly demanding job on the phone, email, concurrent teams calls. I'd want to get to the bottom of my anxiety too and not be a case of lurching for something else.

@user567543 I just want to find something challenging (I am ok with workload) but without that constant level of anxiety. As I said I am a lot better now in terms of my own MH, and I think there are some jobs that are just inherently stressful. I do get annoyed with all the wellness initiatives where I practice, that do nothing to actually tackle the issues that cause the anxiety/stress - constant scrutiny from all angles, difficult ungrateful clients, grumpy judges, making decisions that can come back to haunt you years down the track. The pay is good but I am not sure it is worth all that.

I can see you want to make a change, just saying that excepting grumpy judges all the other points can be true about PM jobs. Contracting is more flexible as easier to escape bad fits but may not be feasible if your DH is also going self employed.

So I wonder if you need more change than something else also face paced, demanding, interpersonally difficult and adversarial. Something altogether kinder.

Good luck - nothing else to add here just concerned that you've done most of the hard slog kid wise and that PM work can be really awful. We have lost several great PMs and programs managers through stress over the years.

I was a solicitor, now primary teacher in Scotland. I have zero regrets! Yes the job has its issues but I find it interesting, but also not that stressful. I often think this is because I know what the law stress felt like, I'm only ever 8 weeks away from the next holiday. I can finish when I choose as long as I finish the work (evenings when kids are in bed or an hour or two at the weekend). I'm contracted 35 hours and realistically often work closer to 40/45 but I don't find it stressful.

@user567543 that's helpful thank you.

@Namechange3579 I have seriously thought about teaching. I often flip flop back to it.

I was reading your OP and then your part about personal injury work and was wondering if you’d thought about loss adjusting? A casualty role would probably suit you really well, you’re basically coming at it from the other side working on behalf of insurers. Way less stress (obviously some firms better than others), no dealing with high maintenance claimants and it’s still in your wheelhouse so you wouldn’t be going back to square 1 in terms of retraining. I have a few colleagues who are ex-solicitors and know a few more locally at competitors who moved from law firms.

I don’t know where you’re based but if you happen to be in NZ our place are crying out for staff there due to expansion.

@TheCraicDealer can i DM you?

Of course!