AIBU to quit my career even though I have DCs

[Lucycantdance]

Qualified as a lawyer in 2010 and loved it. Then DCs came along, went part-time and have tried three different roles now but have developed (since pregnancy and insane workload/stress levels at time) horrific anxiety about work. I worry about the smallest thing that I may have done wrong. Yesterday spent afternoon crying after anxiety attack as was worried told a client the wrong thing. Colleague said it was very minor and probably not even wrong. I rationally know this but the anxiety continues. I am exhausted.

DH has a good job but wants to go out on his own early next year which will mean some uncertainty. He sees me in the moments I love law and feels I would be throwing it all away. He wants me to carry on trying. I am trying counselling etc. I just don't think it will change the fundamental issue that is law and that mistakes mean a lot.

AIBU for quitting even though we would take a hit financially and just doing an admin role/low stress role. I don't earn mega bucks but it isn't bad for four days a week. Am I being completely selfish to my DCs (4 and 7). It would mean the end of some of the nice things we do at least in short term. Should I just tough it out? Please be kind as poss so don't end up crying again.

Thank you

I am a law escapee too, but what I've found, because legal skills are highly transferable and a certain type of people get to a certain level then you can risk ending up in a similarly stressful, high demand role almost accidentally. I have. It's now worse than ever.
I'm just starting to realise that at a certain point I must drive myself at this kind of role.

If you do love law then maybe look at in-house legal roles or compliance. It's mainly what I deal with it and it keeps me mentally challenged and well paid, but as said above, be aware to stop things before they spiral again.
If you do decide to completely step off the career treadmill, be warned, you may regret it later. I did for 4 years, and I hated it eventually.

Hm - I think you need to give counselling a real go and try to understand the root of the problem and whether it is specifically your job or something which will follow you to any role. Sure you will be able to find strategies to help you cope. You also don’t need to leave the law completely - could switch to a PSL role or teach eg LPC equivalent for a bit ? I do get the stress (I’m about the same level of qualification as you with 2 kids).

As pp have said, law is stressful so yanbu to think about quitting.

But I also agree with pp that fear of making mistakes can cause stress in any job and that also needs addressing. There was a thoughtful article in the Guardian this week:-

www.theguardian.com/money/2021/aug/12/ready-to-quit-your-job-here-are-the-17-questions-to-ask-yourself-first

I would at least take a break and regroup.

I feel the same as a doctor.

A word of 'warning'- it's hard trying to find a lower level job that will take you seriously when you apply given your background. Get something lined up before you leave.

Surely though you need to deal with the anxiety and then see how you feel about the job. I’ve worked in “basic” admin jobs which can be really stressful too, now in a less basic role but I still remember how stressful the basic role could be. I’d work on the anxiety first before you give up law.

YANBU and definitely not selfish re DCs. They will benefit greatly from having a happy, healthy mummy who can enjoy the time she spends with them as she isn’t stressed out. I left a senior manager role in business to work in a school and it was the best thing I ever did. Good luck with your decision 😃

YANBU to give up this job in the short term. However this sounds like a bigger issue and I think you need to work on resolving it, otherwise the anxiety will just transfer to other areas of your life. And in due course I think you should start working again as you never know when you might need financial independence/ a nest egg.

If I could afford to, I would give up my legal career tomorrow. I’m exhausted by it and by how much emotional energy it takes. It leaves so little left for the things that actually matter to me. Im a far nicer person when im not working.

I developed crippling anxiety about work - I was an academic. It got so bad that I was suicidal. Please do pursue the counselling and also consider medication - the combination made an absolutely enormous difference to me. For me it was definitely the case that the anxiety would have simply transferred if I'd left it untreated. There were things that were difficult and stressful about my job but that wasn't the root issue. I actually have since changed careers but I'm glad I did it while planning rationally and logically not from the place of fear it would have been from if I'd done it while my anxiety was untreated.

I am a lawyer too and close to burn out. I would never recommend this career to anyone. I long for the day I am no longer working in law. I wish you luck OP.

There was a poster in another thread also in law and she said she went into academia...into teaching law to be in a lower stress work environment. Do you think you could teach basic law to university first years?

Another one here. Had Dd late 2018, was a partner, was offered a month off only. Paid. Didn't even get that. Left partnership eventually after part time working refused, haven't gone back. I do sort of legal secretary stuff but legal aid applications and court document drafting from home. No way I'm ever going back to those hours.

I am a solicitor with two now adult dcs and went back to work 6 weeks after each of them. It was really hard in the early years. My husband had a less pressured job and he did pick up the slack a lot especially for the first one. He went out on his own when I was pregnant with the second and I felt obliged to stay working to meet the mortgage etc. At least though he worked a lot from home and could deal with sick children etc. I had switched to work in government before the children so there was flexibility with hours and no need to make budget (though I actually worked hard in one of their tougher units in terms of stress and responsibility.) I think it would have been very difficult to work in a law firm at the time. Now my youngest is 20 I'm very glad I stayed. I had a lot of help though - nannies for the first year for each child. I had household help and a gardener too. My mother would come for a holiday and help out. So are you getting all the help you deserve and need? Who does the school run? Are you getting enough sleep?

You accept you are obsessing about minor things. Now there will always be a few moments of terror in legal practice. I still remember once thinking I'd wound up the wrong company. With 11 years in practice the odds are that you are a competent solicitor. What has caused this lack of confidence? I remember feeling a bit nervous about going back and I'd been away six weeks! Was there an error that you perhaps were lucky enough to get away with that has affected your confidence? I have known even very competent solicitors to have some crisis of confidence after a mistake. Are you actually doing five days work in four days?

I have seen several solicitors burn out as I've been in practice over 30 years. I do think you need a break and maybe talking to a counsellor or even a course of antidepressants. I think you need to talk to your husband and explain that you are really struggling and maybe your husband delays his plans. I think you need help and support and you should seek it out. Do not let your husband play down your concerns just because he wants to go out on his own with the knowledge that he can rely on your salary.

Please take care.

I felt like you when my dc were small, although I was a social worker not a lawyer. I left and took up a role with a charity doing community development. The pay was much less but the stress disappeared completely.

I did go back when the dc were older, and then eventually moved into managing Contracts with care providers. There are former lawyers in our team and they bring invaluable skills with them.

I don't regret taking a break from social work as my work was affecting my home life. The only thing I do regret is not setting up a private pension for the years I took out, as it will impact me. If you can afford to, make some sort of pension provision if your new role doesn't give a decent pension.

Also, don't think of it as a career break. Your new job, whatever it is, can be part of your career pathway. When I returned to social work, things I had learned and done whilst working for a charity were really useful. It made me a better social worker as I was able to think of more creative solutions.

Good luck!

I’ve read all of these comments and I am super grateful.

I work for a regulator now, family friendly hours and flexible working; local (not central) government should be the same. Culture of team working and a no blame philosophy. I am a super stresser and found working at a magic circle firm draining. Perhaps look into something similar. x

Sorry you’re feeling so bad, I trying to recommend address the anxiety as much as you can before you make a decision to leave. As a PP said you’ll be very experienced 11 years into your role.
I work in financial services compliance, but I still recognise the panic you’ve described of realising you’ve potentially said the wrong thing, so the possibility is still there. If my firms management recruited someone with 11 years law experience, we’d be delighted to have you!

Lucycantdance

@Brokenfurnitureandroses I’m actually overseas too and teaching here seems such a nice profession compared to the stressfulness of it in the U.K. I’m tempted. Whereabouts are you?

I’m in Ireland. You’re welcome to PM me if I can help.

@PlanDeRaccordement

There was a poster in another thread also in law and she said she went into academia...into teaching law to be in a lower stress work environment. Do you think you could teach basic law to university first years?

Everywhere I've worked the academics in law had PhDs - and like most humanities subjects the competition for posts was fierce.

In house all the way.

I think you should take some time off sick and address your anxiety, have you considered CBT or anti anxiety meds in the meantime?

I’m a lawyer and also just quit my job. I’m burnt out having had an awful 3 1/2 years of work. Don’t know what to do next. Just know that I don’t want that stress for my life. I’m 40 now and want to make clear decisions about how I want to live now, not always putting life off til later

Another vote for try and address the anxiety before making the decision.

And another caution of admin- you will not be a desirable candidate for an admin post against applicants with relevant admin qualifications and experience.

Following this with interest as I’m in a similar boat. Now 8 years PQE and, hand on heart, knew I’d made a mistake with this career when I started my training contract a decade ago. I’ve tried the move from silver circle to regional firm and back again, then in house but still have a constant feeling of dread when I think of work and I have come to hate it. Am currently on maternity leave with DS and the count down to return to work is ruining the latter half of my maternity leave as I just can’t seem to stop fixating on how awful it will be when I return. Am resigned to the fact that this isn’t sustainable and feel like I’d like to do an admin type role until the baby starts school then retain, but the cost of nursery and wrap-around care exceeds a part-time min wage job so feel trapped. I also identify with the comment made by a PP about liking the feeling of (relative) importance that comes with holding a professional role. This thread has given me some more ideas of routes to consider though. Sorry that so many others are in a similar boat.