What’s the done thing with the Uni kids bedroom?

[WhatsAppening]

I have plans.

The tumble dryer currently lives in the dining room so that’s going up there. I’m thinking a whole laundry room, with hanging space and even an ironing board.

DH wants to move his office up there (wfh for the foreseeable) as it’s bigger and lighter than the office downstairs, and spread his music stuff out over the office instead.

I’m also considering making it a walk in wardrobe.

DS is appalled and thinks we should stay the fuck out of his room while he’s away

What are your plans?

(Obviously lighthearted before anyone jumps on me, it will still be his bedroom however we repurpose it temporarily).

Sounds like you need the space but I wouldn't do anything that cant be rejigged when he comes home.

He might come back for weekends, nevermind the very long holidays!!

I think it depends if you really need the bed for someone else.
When my dh went to uni his room was taken over by his sister (fair enough) but his sisters old room was converted to a laundry room so when he went home he was on an old army camp bed. He felt quite pushed out and it really sent a message to him of how unwelcome he was and he rarely visits them at all now.
It definitely sends a message, so unless you desperately need it for something else then Id keep it as is because there is nothing more important to me than a good relationship with my dc, and for them to feel welcome and at home with us. That stands until they are firmly settled elsewhere, ie not flat sharing with college mates

I moved into my sister's room when she moved out to uni because it was bigger. When I went to university it stayed 'my' room but is essentially a spare room with some of my bits (still) in it. As a result perhaps (rightly or wrongly) I viewed the house (and still do) as still my home much longer than she did. She does have another room to stay in when she comes back though.

Ours are both at uni, so we are deciding what to do. Generally I think the rooms will remain the same ... "theirs" , but they may be temporarily repurposed with the beds pushed to the walls if needed by those who live here.

Dd20 broke up with her partner (sharing a flat at uni) so now needs to be home for a while. Doesn’t "want" to be here as she values her independence, but is grateful to always have a home freely available. Dd19 is a natural homebody so gravitates here often.

(I left home at 17, didn't look back, shared room with siblings, so never had MY room anyhow, so it feels both odd and nice to be able to provide what our girls need)

My room was redecorated almost straight away and became a generic guest room and not my room. My husband's childhood bedroom is still 'his'. My in laws redecorated when my husband was in his early 30s (and had left home a decade earlier). They painted it like a typical 'boys' room and put back up my husband's football and Spice Girls posters from the 90s 😂. They say it's just in case he ever needs to move back (they don't approve of me though because I'm northern and common).

Mine's will stay as her room. She and younger sister might end up swapping - but she'll be back in holidays and odd weekends so it wouldn't seem right to do anything else.

Nothing. It was her room when she was home and moved back in after Uni anyway. What will you do when your son finishes Uni?

With eldest dd it remained hers until end of year 2 when she left it like a dump. Moved Dd3 into it and sent her a photo!

I have a 4 bedroom and 3 kids so the rooms are staying as they are. I will probably dump laundry in one of them before sorting, but that's temporary.

Once they are settled and moved away with jobs and lives of their own, I'll sell and downsize.

@unlimiteddilutingjuice

My Mum filled mine with a Japanese lodger pretty quick. In all fairness, she was a much better daughter than me. More polite and ate less.

This really made me chuckle.

Room is staying as is, but we are throwing out some of the accumulated junk and all the old text books he no longer needs. He's going to need it for summer holidays and probably for the year after he leaves uni for job hunting etc. I can't see in London how he will be able to afford to get a place without a steady income/job and some savings. Plus. I like seeing him in the holidays.

Nothing. They are back all holidays which is about a third of the year. Then very often they come back for a bit after the three/ four years are up.

Awful to turn their room into something else.

When dd1 likely goes in a couple of years dd2 will probably swap and move in. There’s no point the big room sitting empty.

Dd1 will have DD2s current room to use in the holidays, we won’t turn it into anything else until they officially leave.

Dd2 will probably go off to uni as dd1 finishes so if dd1 needs to come home they can just swap back. Hopefully it’ll all work out. I wouldn’t want either of them to feel pushed out.

@ChurchlightJane

This is still my children's home so their rooms are still their rooms whilst away at uni. Until they tell me they don't need them to be rooms remain their private spaces

Yep. That's what we did. And they both had to come home after uni for a while as jobs were hard to find. Until they were independently settled, our home was still their home and their rooms were theirs.

Nothing - still her room and she is now in rented in London.

She obviously always came home for holidays whilst at uni, and then came home when she graduated. From March 2020 she was at home, but still paying to rent her London flat. She went back in September, and came home again in December and gave up her flat. She now has a new flat in London, and went back in March.

Things change, life changes. Her room is still her room until she moves into a more settled environment (which could take years!).

To those who say it’s their room and it’ll remain untouched whilst they are at university, can I ask if you also have younger children in tiny bedrooms?

I suspect I might have that attitude, if I didn’t.

They are back for the holidays in the blink of an eye! And ds had to come home for lockdown and has been here ever since. He would like to spread his wings, but jobs have other ideas and it’s all wfh.

Ds’s friend’s parents moved house when he left for university and cleared out all his stuff . Ds was appalled .

I'll tell you what I'd advise you NOT to do: go into your student child's room, rummage through the stuff they haven't taken up with them for the 10-12 weeks they're away at a time and chuck stuff out because "I didn't think you wanted it any more - you didn't take it with you..."

No, I didn't - I went on the train (it was 1976/77) and I only took what I could carry - I knew I'd be back in 10 weeks and fully expected my things still to be there.

Be very careful about making your student child feel like they don't belong or matter any more in your life.

@Lalliella

I’m with your DS. Stay the fuck out of his room. My DS is going to uni in October and I’m going to get him a nice new wardrobe for when he comes home at Christmas. It’s his room, in his home, for as long as he wants it to be.

A new wardrobe that'll only get a few weeks of use a year?

We are lucky enough to not need the boys rooms so they will stay as they are until they leave home properly. Given the current housing market I'm expecting it to be a few years yet.

Nothing wrong with using the space whilst they aren't there though if you need to.

DS is off in a few weeks. His room will remain his room, although it will be used for when people come to stay with DH and me during term-time.

I would feel awful fully re-purposing his room and making him feel as if it was no longer 'his' space. But I admit we have the luxury of being able to keep it empty anyway. If we had other kids or less space maybe I'd feel differently!

I think there isn’t a “done thing” many families don’t have the luxury of leaving a room unused, especially as people are working from home etc. If you need the room then you should use it, but keep a comfortable bed in there.

My children always knew (and still do know that even though 3 of them have had their own homes for a few years now) that there was always space and a welcome for them at home. Before they left we went through their stuff together and boxed stuff that they wanted to keep but not take and put it in the loft. I still have some of it getting on for 10 years later in one case. We always had a spare room as we had decluttered which anyone could use, my eldest DS used that throughout his time at university.

@Howshouldibehave

To those who say it’s their room and it’ll remain untouched whilst they are at university, can I ask if you also have younger children in tiny bedrooms?

I suspect I might have that attitude, if I didn’t.

I have two younger ones in smaller rooms, but they have been furnished and decorated to their taste in the not too distant past, so if I were to swap them over, DS1 could end up in a pink and cherry blossom themed room with Japanese style decor, or a room set up specifically to house a gaming PC set-up with lots of desk space and an Ethernet port, rather than the room he painted himself, bought furniture for himself and arranged to work with his many musical instruments hung on the wall. It isn’t just a case of swapping them over to me. They have all changed rooms several times in the past as they’ve grown and their various hobbies and interests means their needs have changed, but I don’t think doing it when one of them leaves home temporarily says the right things.

This thread reminds me of this song from Crazy Ex Girlfriend -

I feel so sorry for your poor unloved boy, OP. He might as well be an orphan for all the care you are showing him. My DD’s room will remain a shrine to her until my dying day, because I’m a better parent than you and I actually love my child.