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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked out by someone considerably richer and educated than I am

173 replies

Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 18:15

Name changed for this.. Regular poster don't want this linked back to my other posts..

I work in a hospital, in an Admin role. I support a very executive person within my trust. Our offices are based quite near to theatre. Every day, I see the same consultant, and we exchange smiles and pleasantries.. Today I was sat for lunch in the staff canteen and I saw him, he walked past and said hello and sat at the table opposite me (we're still socially distanced in hospitals) we chatted for a bit then I got up to leave and he did also.. I walked back to my office then ten minutes later I received an email from him saying he enjoyed our chat and would be nice to go for lunch properly. He must've seen my full name on my ID badge.. He's not my usual type, I'm mid 30s and I'd say he was 50+ he has a full head of white hair and is built..
I've been single about a year and have a young daughter, I'm in no rush for a relationship but also don't want a casual thing.. He's been a consultant for 10 years.. I don't know, I suppose I feel like I have imposter syndrome and what would be the point as we probably don't have much in common and are from completing different backgrounds.. Would it even be worth pursuing???

OP posts:
Hdhdjejdj · 19/08/2021 12:21

Maybe the OP is just after sex too?

sammylady37 · 19/08/2021 12:26

@Hdhdjejdj

Maybe the OP is just after sex too?
Good lord no! What a preposterous suggestion! She’s clearly a delicate vulnerable little woman who needs to be protected from the predatory married old man who only wants sex. Unless of course he’s prepared to lavish money on her. It’s ok in that case.

This thread is disappointing but not surprising for mumsnet.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 19/08/2021 12:28

LOL.

Read the original post...

Not after a relationship OR anything casual.

OP posts:
Hdhdjejdj · 19/08/2021 12:30

I’m only joking OP.

catconvention · 19/08/2021 12:40

Good luck OP. But surely a quick Google would give you an idea of whether he’s married - or at least something about him? Far more than a load of randoms on MN can tell you anyway Grin

EmeraldShamrock · 19/08/2021 12:40

Maybe the OP is just after sex too?
You're right to say it.
A lot of sneaky snobbery on the thread "an intelligent educated man falling for a less educated women,".
It happens. 🥰

sammylady37 · 19/08/2021 12:50

@catconvention

Good luck OP. But surely a quick Google would give you an idea of whether he’s married - or at least something about him? Far more than a load of randoms on MN can tell you anyway Grin
There’s a good chance you’ll find very little about him on Google.

I’m a hospital consultant and I and most of my colleagues have very little online presence, in terms of our personal lives. You’ll find out precisely nothing about my personal life from a Google search. You won’t find my social media as it’s under a different name, you won’t find me in local papers at social events etc. You’ll find a bland entry in the hospital’s ‘our staff’ section and you’ll find me on the medical council register. But nothing about my personal life.

Bluesheep8 · 19/08/2021 13:52

Quite common for consultants to marry beneath themGive him a chance!

Hmm
justasking111 · 19/08/2021 13:59

Roaring with laughter here. A close friend is a top consultant think worldwide lecturer. He's a Belfast boy, grew up in grim circumstances. Loves to prick the pomposity of half baked piss poor surgeons consultants

Empressofthemundane · 19/08/2021 14:07

Are we sure he has romantic intentions? I’m friendly with male work colleagues and eat lunch with them, sometimes one on one, in the staff canteen all the time. I enjoy their company and I don’t think anything of it. I’ve been married for over 20 years.

Egghead68 · 19/08/2021 14:10

@Hdhdjejdj

Maybe the OP is just after sex too?
In which case she should fill her boots!
Egghead68 · 19/08/2021 14:14

She’s clearly a delicate vulnerable little woman who needs to be protected from the predatory married old man who only wants sex

There’s a huge power imbalance between them in terms of status and age. So yes, she is potentially vulnerable.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 19/08/2021 14:18

@Bluesheep8

Quite common for consultants to marry beneath themGive him a chance!

Hmm

Er.. I am not beneath anyone!
OP posts:
thingymaboob · 19/08/2021 14:52

@Shariotlion @Bluesheep8 you say you're not beneath anyone but your whole post is about this, isn't it? Why would you be worried about him being more educated etc than you if this was of little concern to you?

thingymaboob · 19/08/2021 14:53

@Shariotlion you even said in your first post about imposter syndrome so you must feel insecure etc...

Itsbeen84yearss · 19/08/2021 15:27

I appreciate what Steve Harvey has to say about the male approach. Old fashioned but men don’t change.
*Another thing women need to understand, according to Steve, is that every man has a plan. "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."

When a man approaches a woman, Steve says, he already knows what we want from her, but he doesn't know what it will cost. "How much time do you want from me? What your standards? What are your requirements? Because we'll rise to the occasion no matter how high you set the bar if we want to," he says. "The problem is, women have stopped setting the bar high."*

TheKeatingFive · 19/08/2021 15:32

There’s a huge power imbalance between them in terms of status and age.

That’s rubbish though. The fact that he’s older and more senior in work absolutely doesn’t equate to a ‘huge power imbalance’

There are some really weird assumptions on this thread.

Ozanj · 19/08/2021 15:32

If you don’t fancy him then don’t bother. Too many women date men they don’t fancy because they’re rich or stable.

HoppingPavlova · 19/08/2021 15:49

From a woman who was at consultant level for many years, I’d be really careful. Chances are he is married (no matter what sob story he has) or a player. I’d definitely ask those in the know discretely before contemplating a date. Tbh, most surgeons I know are complete cunts with coke habits who have a thing for prostitutes. That’s while on their second family as their first was too demanding and they could get a much younger model and better lifestyle. Then the younger model would get to the point of wanting a family…. And these are my friends. You can imagine the ones I refuse to be friends with! I would tread very very carefully here.

catconvention · 19/08/2021 15:53

Just ask someone in the hospital. “By the way, is that Dr so-and-do married? Yes or no?”

How hard can this be?

Suprima · 19/08/2021 16:09

No one is saying you need someone to spend all of their money on you…

I just don’t think your work cafeteria is a nice neutral ground to get to know someone on. I also don’t think it’s wise to conduct this in the workplace.

He’s a consultant. He buy you a bowl of fusilli. You don’t owe him anything and he won’t have the upper hand on you in any way shape or form. He invited you to lunch.

This might be the start of something lovely- don’t go church-mousing yourself and gunning for absolute bare minimum dare you seem like a ‘gold digger’. He won’t be like ‘ah how refreshing’, he’ll smell your insecurity.

I hope he suggests something nicer where you can talk and be more at ease than a hospital canteen where you work.

Suprima · 19/08/2021 16:10

You can also easily find out if he is married, by google or one of the ward sisters. They will know if he is a shagger.

Bluntness100 · 19/08/2021 16:16

I’m on the fence here to be honest. He maybe one of those who likes to shag the staff. I’d ask about him, is he married, comment he’s asked you to lunch.

Lunch in the canteen is not something he would need to hide, people have lunch together, the fact he can be seen having lunch with uou at work means nothing.

I’d be concerned though he’s after a shag then everyone at work finds out. It’s kinda cringe. Sadly in many work places men who do this are seen as a bit of a lad, women seen as a bit desperate.

Blossomtoes · 19/08/2021 16:19

@TheKeatingFive

There’s a huge power imbalance between them in terms of status and age.

That’s rubbish though. The fact that he’s older and more senior in work absolutely doesn’t equate to a ‘huge power imbalance’

There are some really weird assumptions on this thread.

It’s MN. The weirdest place I know apart from Twitter. 🤷‍♀️
Bluntness100 · 19/08/2021 16:23

That’s rubbish though. The fact that he’s older and more senior in work absolutely doesn’t equate to a ‘huge power imbalance’

It can do, he’s older, more successful, wealthier. The op will be used to dealing with consultants as more senior to her. So yes it can lead to a huge power Imbalance

She just needs to work out if he’s a shagger of all, and if she’s willing to be added to the list and known as such, if he’s married also of if he’s single and a decent man who hasn’t been working his way round the younger women in the hospital.