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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked out by someone considerably richer and educated than I am

173 replies

Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 18:15

Name changed for this.. Regular poster don't want this linked back to my other posts..

I work in a hospital, in an Admin role. I support a very executive person within my trust. Our offices are based quite near to theatre. Every day, I see the same consultant, and we exchange smiles and pleasantries.. Today I was sat for lunch in the staff canteen and I saw him, he walked past and said hello and sat at the table opposite me (we're still socially distanced in hospitals) we chatted for a bit then I got up to leave and he did also.. I walked back to my office then ten minutes later I received an email from him saying he enjoyed our chat and would be nice to go for lunch properly. He must've seen my full name on my ID badge.. He's not my usual type, I'm mid 30s and I'd say he was 50+ he has a full head of white hair and is built..
I've been single about a year and have a young daughter, I'm in no rush for a relationship but also don't want a casual thing.. He's been a consultant for 10 years.. I don't know, I suppose I feel like I have imposter syndrome and what would be the point as we probably don't have much in common and are from completing different backgrounds.. Would it even be worth pursuing???

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 18/08/2021 19:03

Ask yourself how you'd feel if you had sex then he dropped you. That's the worst case scenario. If you can live with that, then make your decision based on that. I went out with someone a lot richer than me. I wasn't totally comfortable wearing the clothes I could afford in the places that he was used to. I also wasn't comfortable with him buying me clothes. So I let it fizzle out.

AlbertBridge · 18/08/2021 19:11

To a man, success, education and money are good because they make him worthy of a woman younger and more attractive than himself.

In anthropology terms, you're equals.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 19:23

He seems quite personable.. I just don't like to mix work with pleasure.. Going for lunch could lead onto other things and send the wrong impression.. I am intrigued to find out more by him.. But I don't want to find myself in a situation.. I don't actually have a usual type but historically all my exes have been tradesmen!

OP posts:
veganmayo · 18/08/2021 19:23

On paper my partner is also richer and better educated than I am. We also work in similar-ish fields so met by crossing paths professionally (although not as closely linked by work as you in this case).

Outside of a work setting nobody would ever know that he was 'richer and better educated' than me (other than the pay gap ofc) - I'd say those attributes are only a red flag if they're being used against you in an abusive or patronising way.

Some people might have great trouble finding relationships if they weren't able to step out of their pay grade!

GameSetMatch · 18/08/2021 19:25

Go and have a nice lunch, if the crack was good then it might be nice to go out and be entertained, nothing has to come of it if you don’t want it to.

Sidneysussex · 18/08/2021 19:30

Check if he is married or has a reputation. The theater nurses will know, ask an older sister if you want a straight answer. They always know who the cads are.
Please don't be intimidated by his job he is only a surgeon, don't let perceived hospital hierarchy effect how you view this man.
Also it's quite normal to date someone with a different education or wage.

1forAll74 · 18/08/2021 19:31

Yes, have lunch, and see how things go from there. You are bound to be able to make some small assessments about him whilst at lunch, and he will too with you. There is no point thinking about things that can go wrong, until they do go wrong.

GreyGoose1980 · 18/08/2021 19:32

The job title and education is less important than the fact you work together. If you met him socially and didn’t work together I’d say go for it irrelevant of whether you usually go for his type, if you felt an initial interest. However the power dynamic at work could get complicated and as you are in the more junior role, be potentially more challenging for you than for him.

Hdhdjejdj · 18/08/2021 19:33

Make a few discreet enquiries. If he’s sound, why not? Know your own worth. He’s obviously impressed with you.

ramarama · 18/08/2021 19:35

Go, make sure you don't drink and act sensibly.

If it feels like you would like to do it again, i would discuss your fears about mixing work & pleasure with him and ask him how awkward he thinks it might be - maybe bring it up in a lighthearted way and make a joke of it (that way if it ends up happening, you won't feel quite so bad about it) But life is too short not to. Have fun!

Original poster
Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 19:39

@GreyGoose1980

The job title and education is less important than the fact you work together. If you met him socially and didn’t work together I’d say go for it irrelevant of whether you usually go for his type, if you felt an initial interest. However the power dynamic at work could get complicated and as you are in the more junior role, be potentially more challenging for you than for him.
Yes that's how I feel a little bit.. I know there's no point looking past lunch but I do feel like it would just never work.. Will see if I can find out more about him....
OP posts:
QueeniesCroft · 18/08/2021 19:40

I don't actually have a usual type but historically all my exes have been tradesmen!
Meh, surgery is a trade, isn't it?(in the sense of a physical job you need a particular qualification for). If he seems nice, I'd go (if I was single). You aren't committing to bearing his offspring or wiping his arse in his dotage. It's just lunch. It might even be a nicer lunch than you would ordinarily have.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/08/2021 19:44

I say go for it.
I was in a similar position working in patient accounts early 20's young, fine looking, funny, I didn't feel good enough to date the junior Doctor who asked.

Carboncheque · 18/08/2021 19:47

20 years older, might be married and you have to see him at work daily? Hard pass.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 19:48

I do have a suspicion he's married.. But I don't have any proof he is. I just think, why wouldn't he be.. He's either married or divorced.

OP posts:
Dontwatchfootball · 18/08/2021 19:53

He asked for lunch! Go and see how that feels. I ask co workers for lunch all the time (at least I did pre-covid) but have not boffed any of them yet!

GreyGoose1980 · 18/08/2021 20:01

Good luck OP. Just to add if he were a junior Dr I’d also say go for it. There’s just something about the fact he’s in one of the most senior roles in your workplace and works closely with the Exec you support that makes me advise caution. Also I’d give the same advice if you were a junior Dr.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 20:03

@GreyGoose1980

Good luck OP. Just to add if he were a junior Dr I’d also say go for it. There’s just something about the fact he’s in one of the most senior roles in your workplace and works closely with the Exec you support that makes me advise caution. Also I’d give the same advice if you were a junior Dr.
Yes.. The particular person I support will definitely know who he is. So that makes it a bit awkward also...
OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 18/08/2021 20:03

I never ever dated at work. Until I met my DH! Lunch is lunch. He might just genuinely enjoy your company. I would go for lunch and if you feel a vibe, I would ask him outright if he is married. Of course, he could be looking for inside info on the Trust.... No one here can give you any more info than you currently have except to say that you will have qualities that he does not have and matching educational backgrounds are not a prerequisite for any relationship

Ginger1982 · 18/08/2021 20:04

@Shariotlion

I do have a suspicion he's married.. But I don't have any proof he is. I just think, why wouldn't he be.. He's either married or divorced.
Oh God, don't end up being the OW...
Original poster
Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 20:07

FYI.. I would NEVER be the other woman.. My ex was a cheating scum bag. I'd never make another woman feel the way I did. If I find out he's married I wouldn't even entertain talking to him. I have morals!

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 18/08/2021 20:08

One of my parents is a healthcare professional. Doctors are very boring people know a lot about their field and not much else. My best friend’s father, a university dropout and tradesman is a lot more interesting .and he plays the violin :)

The background gap wouldn’t bother me but his age and position would.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 20:13

I think it's his position that bothers me.. I can't imagine having much in common with him.. Then I just think what's the point.. But I guess lunch is just lunch..Will just be awkward if it goes wrong as I see him every day

OP posts:
PamDenick · 18/08/2021 20:16

Just go and have a nice speedy pasta lunch... he’s hardly going to bend you over the gnocchi in front of a busy restaurant, is he?

DeeCeeCherry · 18/08/2021 20:17

I'd be more worried about mixing business with pleasure, and whether he's married. Surprised "richer and more educated" are your priorities to think about - it's really not the way. First things first.