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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked out by someone considerably richer and educated than I am

173 replies

Shariotlion · 18/08/2021 18:15

Name changed for this.. Regular poster don't want this linked back to my other posts..

I work in a hospital, in an Admin role. I support a very executive person within my trust. Our offices are based quite near to theatre. Every day, I see the same consultant, and we exchange smiles and pleasantries.. Today I was sat for lunch in the staff canteen and I saw him, he walked past and said hello and sat at the table opposite me (we're still socially distanced in hospitals) we chatted for a bit then I got up to leave and he did also.. I walked back to my office then ten minutes later I received an email from him saying he enjoyed our chat and would be nice to go for lunch properly. He must've seen my full name on my ID badge.. He's not my usual type, I'm mid 30s and I'd say he was 50+ he has a full head of white hair and is built..
I've been single about a year and have a young daughter, I'm in no rush for a relationship but also don't want a casual thing.. He's been a consultant for 10 years.. I don't know, I suppose I feel like I have imposter syndrome and what would be the point as we probably don't have much in common and are from completing different backgrounds.. Would it even be worth pursuing???

OP posts:
SkiingIsHeaven · 19/08/2021 01:27

If you enjoyed the chat then what have you got to lose?

Let us know how you get on.

Good luck.

NumberTheory · 19/08/2021 02:08

I think the work connection could be a big issue. I would think about how attracted you were to him before you got the email - was there a spark for you? Were you even considering him in that way at all or is it really just the flattery of someone finding you attractive, especially someone who has status? Because if not, I would politely decline and just keep it as fantasy fodder - where you can manipulate his image into something you do like.

If there was something there I think it would probably be worth saying yes to lunch but doing some homework on him. Ask around a bit about him if you can. Try to find out if he's attached, if he asks lots of staff out, etc. Google him, look on social media, see what comes up.

I know people with similar back grounds and ages tend to have longer lasting relationships but that's only statistically, while there's more risk, no relationship is a sure thing. Someone who is different from you can be a breath of fresh air - new experiences, new ideas, a different view of the world, lots to enjoy there. I don't think it has to be a hinderance - especially if you are both confident and neither feels one type of background or age is better than another. What really matters is mutual respect and both having similar long term goals and values, and you won't know that unless you spend time with him. Just keep it light until you're sure so that it won't be too awkward at work if it doesn't work out.

LimeSodaTwist · 19/08/2021 02:37

@yoyo1234

Have I missed something, could he just want a nice natter. I frequently (when it wasn't WFH spent coffee breaks/lunch with male work colleagues (they were all I think very happily married/or not married).
I was thinking the same thing!

Also wouldn’t be uncommon where I work for senior people to suggest lunch with people in the execs offices - purely networking as it’s the admin staff who tend to:have diary control so pays to be nice to them Wink

AllTheSunshine · 19/08/2021 07:58

@Hdhdjejdj

It really isn’t. It’s so weird that’s your first take on this situation on a man asking a woman for lunch is that he’s a dirty old man. I know loads of people who met through work too. All perfectly fine and normal.
I didn't say he was old or creepy. I said he was 20 years older which is a fact. I'm 57 so I know full well that being in your 50s isn't 'old'.
BigFatLiar · 19/08/2021 08:52

Have lunch and you can find out a bit more about him. He may well be looking to start a relationship or he may be wanting someone to chat to at lunch who isn't going to talk about gall bladders and hernias.

You may be able to find out more about his age if that worries you. A couple of the consultants dealing with my husband looked like they should still be at school. On the other hand I've worked with some people who've looked a lot older than they actually are.

Hdhdjejdj · 19/08/2021 09:19

Someone said he sounds like a ‘creepy old man.’ I find that weird.

Lanareyrey · 19/08/2021 09:38

Do it OP!!! I would Grin

VeryLongBeeeeep · 19/08/2021 10:44

I said he was 20 years older which is a fact.

Well it's not actually a fact, is it? The OP is only estimating he's in his 50s. He could be in his 40s and just looks older, or the OP might be rubbish at guessing ages.

firstmentat · 19/08/2021 10:45

I think men in general are much less fussed about whether a woman is educated or earns anything. You are looking from a female perspective - i.e. that it is unlikely that a woman in a similar position would be interested in a guy who's that much lower in the pecking order. From my experience, that's not how men usually think - they are more driven by other things.

StoneofDestiny · 19/08/2021 10:47

Crikey - income and job are irrelevant! If you like him and are hungry enough go for a meal

StoneofDestiny · 19/08/2021 10:50

Why assume he’s married? I any case, just ask him

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 10:57

My first thought was is t it possible this is just a friendly collegial lunch? I made one of my best male friends through a random cafeteria conversation, snd emailed to ask if he wanted to have lunch again — he was fifteen years older and a professor to my Readership. We were both married. Neither of us mistook it for a pass. Ten years on, we’re still good friends.

rainbowstardrops · 19/08/2021 11:02

Have you tried Googling his name or looking on FB, Instagram etc? Good luck though!

Itsbeen84yearss · 19/08/2021 11:23

I wouldn’t agree to lunch in the cafeteria again. It’s too easy and cheap for him. If he wants to date younger he needs to get his wallet out. A LOT. I’d say ‘lunch sounds great’ and if he offers the cafeteria I’d say ‘cafeteria?’ And let him suggest something nicer

sammylady37 · 19/08/2021 11:28

@Itsbeen84yearss

I wouldn’t agree to lunch in the cafeteria again. It’s too easy and cheap for him. If he wants to date younger he needs to get his wallet out. A LOT. I’d say ‘lunch sounds great’ and if he offers the cafeteria I’d say ‘cafeteria?’ And let him suggest something nicer
Jesus Christ. Where to start with this?

Firstly, this is a lunch in the workplace. Not a date.

Secondly, you think younger women should be effectively bought by older men?

BigFatLiar · 19/08/2021 11:32

@Itsbeen84yearss

I wouldn’t agree to lunch in the cafeteria again. It’s too easy and cheap for him. If he wants to date younger he needs to get his wallet out. A LOT. I’d say ‘lunch sounds great’ and if he offers the cafeteria I’d say ‘cafeteria?’ And let him suggest something nicer
That sounds a bit mercenary. 'Will date for money' (well posh nosh etc).

Depending where the hospital is the cafeteria may be all that's convenient. Our local hospital is on the outskirts of town by the time you meet, get in the car, out of the car park and drive somewhere else it would be time to go back.

Itsbeen84yearss · 19/08/2021 11:36

I don’t think younger women should be bought by older men. I think all women should only accept proper dates and avoid low ball offers. Otherwise you get screwed over. Single mothers are viewed by a lot of men as cheap easy fodder and they’d do better to raise their expectations to weed out the sharks and users.

sammylady37 · 19/08/2021 11:42

@Itsbeen84yearss

I don’t think younger women should be bought by older men. I think all women should only accept proper dates and avoid low ball offers. Otherwise you get screwed over. Single mothers are viewed by a lot of men as cheap easy fodder and they’d do better to raise their expectations to weed out the sharks and users.
Your first sentence contrast rather sharply with your previous statement that “If he wants to date younger he needs to get his wallet out. A LOT”.

What is that if it’s not buying someone?

And again, he’s asked her to join him for lunch in the hospital canteen. I doubt he considers this a date.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 19/08/2021 11:55

So. little update.
And fyi - i have no business declining a cafeteria lunch, it's not about his money! i don't need someone to spend all their money on me!
I emailed him back just to say lunch would be good and to just let me know when is good for him, he's in clinic today and tomorrow so I received his out of office, but he emailed back from his phone (presumably because he didn't want his PA to see it!) and suggested Monday lunch.
So we'll see, he's quite happy to go for lunch in the hospital with me - I would imagine if he wasn't single then he'd be wanting to go off site.. I will ask him about his "status" so to speak.
It's just lunch!

OP posts:
cariadlet · 19/08/2021 12:02

That's a great update op. Workplace lunch sounds a good first step. You can always have a proper date later if it goes well.

Fingers crossed.

Hdhdjejdj · 19/08/2021 12:02

Exciting!

Egghead68 · 19/08/2021 12:06

He’ll just be after sex and may be married.

Original poster
Shariotlion · 19/08/2021 12:07

it's lunch in a workplace.. not a request to join an orgy.

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 19/08/2021 12:13

@Shariotlion

So. little update. And fyi - i have no business declining a cafeteria lunch, it's not about his money! i don't need someone to spend all their money on me! I emailed him back just to say lunch would be good and to just let me know when is good for him, he's in clinic today and tomorrow so I received his out of office, but he emailed back from his phone (presumably because he didn't want his PA to see it!) and suggested Monday lunch. So we'll see, he's quite happy to go for lunch in the hospital with me - I would imagine if he wasn't single then he'd be wanting to go off site.. I will ask him about his "status" so to speak. It's just lunch!
Maybe he replied from his phone cos it’s what he had to hand- you said he’s in clinic today so he isn’t in his office but would have his phone with him. Don’t read ulterior motives into everything, just go with an open mind, be sensible and enjoy! As things stand this is a lunch in your mutual workplace. Not something that needs to be arranged covertly or hidden, given that the two of you having lunch together will be visible to a multitude of colleagues.