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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner just said...

116 replies

maybenextyear · 17/08/2021 13:10

... that he loved my kids but would never love them the way he loves his own. AIBU to be a little put out by this? He plans to live with us eventually but it's still early days (together 8months). I don't know how I feel about it, I love his kids and could absolutely see myself loving them as much as I love my own if I was in a situation where I lived with them/ spent lots of time with them. He's a very loving person and clearly does love my children, he's great with them. So am I unreasonable to feel strange about it? Any advice from anyone who has been a blended family for a while?

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 17/08/2021 13:11

He is honest and realistic. You can never love someone else's children like you do your own. It would be foolish to, unless they were legally yours.

summercupcake · 17/08/2021 13:12

I think your partner is honest and realistic . I couldn't love anyone else's children the way I love my own. I think if after just 8 months together if he was telling you he could, that would be a bit odd.

Confused102 · 17/08/2021 13:13

I think that is fair and honest. I know I couldn't love any other child as much as my own. It just depends on how he treats them?

ChainJane · 17/08/2021 13:13

YABU I'm afraid, it's not possible to love someone else's children the same as your own. You can treat them equally, you can make sure they have the same opportunities, but you can't love them the same.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/08/2021 13:14

You've only been together eight months. He's quite right and realistic.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/08/2021 13:14

Why on earth does that need voicing, it's a given surely ? Confused

FreeBritnee · 17/08/2021 13:15

I don’t think he can honestly say to what extent he will love your children at this stage. Is their real father still on the scene? I think it’s always going to be difficult to allow yourself to love a child in the same way as your own, when you know if the relationship breaks down, your contact with them will cease.

I think he’s being honest about his feelings alongside a big dose of realism over the situation.

54321nought · 17/08/2021 13:16

surely, this is obvious, he will not love yours the way he loves his own

Hopdathelf · 17/08/2021 13:16

Is prefer honesty and realism before there is any chance of starting a blended family over pie in the sky romantics.

vivainsomnia · 17/08/2021 13:16

Really, after 8 months, I assume less of knowing his kids, you can say that you love his as much as yours? How??

Ponoka7 · 17/08/2021 13:16

I feel the same sense of obligation to my step children and step grandchildren, but I don't love them like my own. I think while some might, it's unrealistic to expect it.
Some people love their children but do very little for them. It's to what extent he's willing to care for them, give allowances, meet their needs and feels a sense of obligation into adulthood. Not just love.
Aunties and uncles don't necessarily love their DNs as they do their children and that can be useful when giving advice because they are slightly removed from the situation.
How old are your children? Is their father and paternal family in the picture?

FreeBritnee · 17/08/2021 13:16

@ChainJane

YABU I'm afraid, it's not possible to love someone else's children the same as your own. You can treat them equally, you can make sure they have the same opportunities, but you can't love them the same.
Well that’s a difficult thing to say when you have adoptees and fosterers who no doubt love mom-biological children just as much as they might their own.
MoiraRose4 · 17/08/2021 13:16

You think you could love his children as much as you love your own? Really?

FreeBritnee · 17/08/2021 13:16

Non

ScottishNewbie · 17/08/2021 13:17

Unless children are adopted into a family, ie not biologically, but legally and also a heart decision, then I think what he says is true.

I don't think anyone I know loves their step children the same as their own. Only very select scenarios like the child being raised by step mother from birth with no biological mother involved, would it be realistic.

So you're saying that you wouldn't choose your children over his, even in a few years time?

HollowTalk · 17/08/2021 13:17

He's planning to move in, when you've only been together for 8 months?

AmyDudley · 17/08/2021 13:18

I think that is a fairly honest statement from him. You can love other children in your life very deeply, but I don't think for myself I would ever love them in quite the same way as I love my own children (and I have nieces I absolutely adore, but it isn't quite the same)

The main thing is that he loves them as a stepfather - which it seems he does, That he treats them in a kind and loving manner, and with fairness and equality to any future children, if he i interested in their interests and their lives. The exact definitions of his love for them don't matter so much as the way he treats them.

And it has only been 8 months, some love is instant and instinctive - the love a mother feels for a new born baby for example. Other love grows and develops over time.

Justcallmebebes · 17/08/2021 13:18

Not sure I could love someone else's kids like my own after 8 decades, never mind 8 months

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 13:19

I love his kids and could absolutely see myself loving them as much as I love my own

That is the most unreasonable thing about your post-how very bizarre!

Your boyfriend sounds extremely sensible, though.

Original poster
maybenextyear · 17/08/2021 13:20

Ok! Definitely being unreasonable then Smile Thank you. I think it was just the finality of 'could never' that made me worry. Glad to know that it's normal though! Mine are both little (under 10) and have had a rough time with their dad which probably makes me a bit more sensitive.

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/08/2021 13:21

What a sensible, honest man.

It would be easy for him to say what you want to hear, especially at this point in the relationship. But no, he trusted you enough to be able to be honest, and didn't lie to impress you.

He's a very loving person and clearly does love my children, he's great with them.

Then you're really lucky. He's loving AND straightforward.

DartmoorChef · 17/08/2021 13:23

"Well that’s a difficult thing to say when you have adoptees and fosterers who no doubt love mom-biological children just as much as they might their own"

Thankyou for pointing this out. The other comments on this thread confirm to me exactly why as an adopted child and now an adult I have so many issues. I never felt completely part of the family as I wasn't a blood relative. Not so much from my parents but certainly from aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. After my parents died nobody kept in touch. I was not invited to "family" events etc.. as I wasn't actually family.

ufucoffee · 17/08/2021 13:23

I'd be worried if he said he would love them like his own because it would mean he was lying. If I was him I'd be worried that you don't like what he said. And you've only known him 8 months! Shock

user1483387154 · 17/08/2021 13:24

I totally agree with him tbh

vivainsomnia · 17/08/2021 13:25

OP, he is not going to replace your kids' dad and if that is your expectation, you need to review it. It's not fair on him.