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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner just said...

116 replies

maybenextyear · 17/08/2021 13:10

... that he loved my kids but would never love them the way he loves his own. AIBU to be a little put out by this? He plans to live with us eventually but it's still early days (together 8months). I don't know how I feel about it, I love his kids and could absolutely see myself loving them as much as I love my own if I was in a situation where I lived with them/ spent lots of time with them. He's a very loving person and clearly does love my children, he's great with them. So am I unreasonable to feel strange about it? Any advice from anyone who has been a blended family for a while?

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/08/2021 16:58

I'm so sorry you've had to experience that DartmoorChef and wish things hadn't had to be that way for you Thanks

Hemingwaycat · 17/08/2021 17:03

After 8 months I wouldn’t be considering anything as serious as moving in together anyway. When kids are involved it’s best to take things as slowly as possible, it’s preferable not to move in together at all tbh for their sake. Blended families can get insanely messy, I’ve read some horrible stories on here where it’s all gone wrong and the children end up suffering. I think he sounds realistic, it’s unlikely he’d ever love your children as much as he loves his own and I think you’re being naive to think you’d love his as much as yours.

Original poster
maybenextyear · 17/08/2021 17:03

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

I'm so sorry you've had to experience that DartmoorChef and wish things hadn't had to be that way for you Thanks
Totally agree, I'm so sorry that this was your experience. Thanks
OP posts:
user1483387154 · 17/08/2021 17:04

@DartmoorChef

I understand what some of you are saying and that the ops situation is not the same as an adoption. But when like me, you are that adopted child words hurt and cut deep and no matter how much you know that at least one of your adopted parents really wanted you, it's very hard when you are aware that because you aren't a biological part of the family you aren't loved as much certainly by other family members. And sorry to say it is true.. I've lived this all my life and many of the views on this thread confirm what I always knew.
But literally no one has said anything like this. you have completely misunderstood the views people have expressed
Eviethyme · 17/08/2021 17:06

Are you saying you think you could love someone else's kids the same way you love your own? Doubtful

cheninblanc · 17/08/2021 17:10

He's just been honest. I'd prefer that than a liar. Living with someone else's children is hard

Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/08/2021 17:15

YABU. I could never love anyone else's children like my own. I wouldn't want that from a partner either and I don't expect DS's stepmother to love DS like her own.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/08/2021 17:33

@overtherainbo

My partner said the same with my children. He said he loves them, has never had interest in wanting children before and he thinks they are great kids. He loves the fact he's bringing them up but also said he would love his own more. I'm now expecting his child and I do fear my children may be pushed aside a little when his own comes?
Er He doesn’t have own children So I really can’t see the relevance
Marmitemarinaded · 17/08/2021 17:38

@DartmoorChef

I understand what some of you are saying and that the ops situation is not the same as an adoption. But when like me, you are that adopted child words hurt and cut deep and no matter how much you know that at least one of your adopted parents really wanted you, it's very hard when you are aware that because you aren't a biological part of the family you aren't loved as much certainly by other family members. And sorry to say it is true.. I've lived this all my life and many of the views on this thread confirm what I always knew.
You are seeing shadows where there are none

Not one person has said “I love my bio children more than my adopted”

Not one. Not even a whiff of it.

“Own children” includes adopted surely and no one remotely says otherwise on this thread

Saoirse82 · 17/08/2021 17:48

I love my sisters 2 boys as much as I love my own. I have no experience of step children and I couldn't honestly say that I could love another child like I do my own or my sisters 2. I don't think I could because my love for them is so fierce. But I do believe people can, my husbands best friend has raised his partners son since he was 18 months and absolutely loves him as much as his 2 biological children, absolutely no difference. It really depends on the person and the scenario.

Disrespected · 17/08/2021 17:52

That's right surely.
Just like I live my dsc but not like my Own. But they do all get treated the same.

Saoirse82 · 17/08/2021 17:52

And own children falls under adopted children. My cousin is adopted, its made no difference to anyone be it grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. She's as much family as anyone else.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 18:11

The 'couldn't ever' in his passing comment made me worry my children would always come second to his, I guess that is just how it is though from what you are all saying.

Are you saying you wouldn't put your own children first?

@DartmoorChef I am sorry for what happened to you.

However, people can't refrain from speaking about one situation, in case you take their words out of context and apply it to your own (different situation).

Adoption and step kids are 2 completely different situations.

Seawo · 17/08/2021 18:16

I would agree that ‘own children’ includes adopted children.

I can see why some would fee there is a difference. If you split up with a spouse you wouldn’t lose access or rights to see your own dc, bio or adopted. But you would lose any rights to a relationship with your step dc.

Recessed · 17/08/2021 19:18

I think it's way too early to be expecting anyone to love your DC as their own considering he has probably spent barely any time with them? However I don't think it's impossible. Before I had DC I was sure you couldn't love other DC as much as you would love your own child but I remember when DD1 was a baby feeling completely different. I didn't have any sort of visceral biological bond to her. My children grew on me and I am fully convinced I could love another child just as much if I was in daily contact/had sole care of them.

WhatAShilohPitt · 17/08/2021 23:36

He’s being totally genuine, honest and realistic. I’d rather that than him make up bollocks that isn’t true.

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