Page 3 | My partner just said...

maybenextyear · 2021-08-17T12:10:16+00:00

... that he loved my kids but would never love them the way he loves his own. AIBU to be a little put out by this? He plans to live with us eventually but it's still early days (together 8months). I don't know how I feel about it, I love his kids and could absolutely see myself loving them as much as I love my own if I was in a situation where I lived with them/ spent lots of time with them. He's a very loving person and clearly does love my children, he's great with them. So am I unreasonable to feel strange about it? Any advice from anyone who has been a blended family for a while?

roundtable · 17/08/2021 14:09

I say this with kindness op. Genuinely. I think it might be an idea to slow this relationship down. It's been 8 months, you're talking about moving in together and worrying about whether the love is there for the DC already. You also acknowledge your DC have had a difficult time. They need stability not a new family at the moment.

Maybe have a read of some of the blended family threads. There was one recently. It's something that needs careful navigation.

daisyjgrey · 17/08/2021 14:09

He's completely correct. I have step children and I have my own child, I love them but it's not the same as I love my own. Your expectation is unrealistic.

mummumumumumumumumumum · 17/08/2021 14:27

@Qwerty789, no mostly they have said 'that are not their bio children' people should be aware of their flippant comments and the affect they have on others

Qwerty789 · 17/08/2021 14:31

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@Qwerty789, no mostly they have said 'that are not their bio children' people should be aware of their flippant comments and the affect they have on others[/quote]
No. Read it again, you saw something that was not there. No-one said that.

Knittedfairies · 17/08/2021 14:34

I think your partner is just being honest by saying he 'would never love them the way he loves his own'. Far better that he should manage your expectations now than cause you deeper hurt at a later stage by his admittance.

OrangeSmorange · 17/08/2021 14:35

Well firstly, this is still a very new relationship and it's too soon to say for certain how you're going to feel next week, next month, next year, next decade.

Secondly, he is being honest in how he thinks he's going to feel and he's neither wrong to feel like that or to voice it. It's good that he's realistic and honest about how he views his future relationship with your dc.

Thirdly, not loving your children as much as his own doesn't mean he's going to be cruel or unkind or treat them differently. It just means that he loves his dc a certain amount and your children a different amount. It's still love.

SilverTimpani · 17/08/2021 14:36

Tbh I can’t imagine loving someone else’s child as much as my own. I probably would state it as baldly as that, but I guess he’s just keen to be honest and set expectations.

I’d let it go and see what happens. He doesn’t need to love them like his own to have a really positive and loving relationship with them.

ConstanceGracy · 17/08/2021 14:37

It may be realistic but why say it at all?
Why would it even come up?

billy1966 · 17/08/2021 14:38

If your children have had a rough time with their dad, I really would slow right down.

8 months is no amount of time and he is already hugely involved with them.

What a confusing time for them.

Slow down.

sycamore54321 · 17/08/2021 14:40

[quote Qwerty789]*@Clymene almost 100% of people on this thread have said that they cannot imagine loving a child that is not biologically theirs. Highly offensive to people like me and my adored adopted child

No they did not. They said you don't love other peoples as much as you do your own. Your adopted child is your own.[/quote]
I echo this. The discussion is about ones one children (ie where you are that child’s parent, whether by adoption or biological) and a step-child. It’s massively unfair to suggest that when people in this context say “their own” child, that they are excluding adopted children.

We don’t even know whether the OP’s or her boyfriend’s children are biological or adopted, precisely because it’s not relevant to the discussion. Those children are “their own” to their parent. Step children are not.

In answer to the actual question, I’d be highly suspicious of any new partner who claimed they would love your children as their own. I don’t think it’s a useful or helpful or realistic aspiration to have. If the partner is to be in the children’s life, yes the partner should love them and treat them equally and with love and respect. But to expect to love unrelated children as your own is a high (and pointless?) bar

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/08/2021 14:41

@DartmoorChef

"Well that’s a difficult thing to say when you have adoptees and fosterers who no doubt love mom-biological children just as much as they might their own"

Thankyou for pointing this out. The other comments on this thread confirm to me exactly why as an adopted child and now an adult I have so many issues. I never felt completely part of the family as I wasn't a blood relative. Not so much from my parents but certainly from aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. After my parents died nobody kept in touch. I was not invited to "family" events etc.. as I wasn't actually family.

DartmoorChef my heart goes out to you, but most of the posters are referring to step children (who still have their own two biological parents parenting them), not adopted children.

I'm sure most people agree that adoptive parents absolutely DO love their adopted children as though they are their own, because they ARE their own.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 14:42

Tbh, I get where he is coming from.

I wouldn't love any kids as much as I lo e my own, unless they were adopted. Because then they would be my own.

Think about it. You love together and he loves the kids like his own. You split, he has no automatic legal right to see them, because they aren't his own. He can pursue you for access. But that rarely happens. He can support you, but probably won't ever have PR, so your decisions will be final. If he has kids of his own he will need to balance their needs and your kids needs.

If he doesn't live, full time with his own kids, he will need to make sure he own kids don't feel leas valued than the kids he lives with. So maintaining some distance may help there

Some step parents do genuinely love their step kids as their own. But it's fairly common for there to be a difference.

You can however, do your best to treat them all equally.

ThatSunnyCorner · 17/08/2021 14:44

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@DartmoorChef I came on to say how offensive these comments are. I have 2 biological children and 1 adopted child and I can, hand on heart, say I love them all so much and would never say I loved by little one less than the others. Those saying you never can love non bio children as much as 'your own' are, at worst, highly offensive and, at best, mistaken. I was told this exact thing on my adoption course and it disgusts me.[/quote]
Can you not see that step children and adopted children are entirely different? I am close to my step children but I will never love them in the way I love my own DC. There's nothing highly offensive about that at all.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/08/2021 14:44

I think it's odder that you think you will eventually love these children you've known for 8 months as much as you love your own.

EL8888 · 17/08/2021 14:47

It’s just the way he feels, that’s the way it is. I can see why he feels like that, about his own children versus yours. Plus 8 months in it is really early days in the grand scheme of things

WyfOfBathe · 17/08/2021 14:51

I do now love my stepdaughter as much as I love my own. But she’s lived with us full-time for the last 7 years (since she was a toddler).

If I’d been asked 8 months into my relationship, I’d have given the same answer as your partner. In most scenarios, it’s not at all realistic to expect someone to love their partner’s children in the way they love their own. That doesn’t mean they can’t still have a good, caring relationship.

user1483387154 · 17/08/2021 14:52

literally no one has said this

Marmitemarinaded · 17/08/2021 14:55

Are you being serious?

Could YOU imagine loving his children as much as yours?

The idea is utterly utterly alien to me to love any Child as much as I love my own. Let alone a love interest’s.

funinthesun19 · 17/08/2021 14:56

He’s being honest and realistic. I think you’re expecting too much of him by expecting him to love yours as much as he loves his own.
You’ve said he loves your children, so just be happy with that without forcing anything else or you could end up pushing him away.

WyfOfBathe · 17/08/2021 14:56

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@DartmoorChef I came on to say how offensive these comments are. I have 2 biological children and 1 adopted child and I can, hand on heart, say I love them all so much and would never say I loved by little one less than the others. Those saying you never can love non bio children as much as 'your own' are, at worst, highly offensive and, at best, mistaken. I was told this exact thing on my adoption course and it disgusts me.[/quote]
Posters are saying that there’s a difference between a stepchild (only connected to you through your partner, probably never lives with you full time, no legal responsibility for them, no right to see them if you and your partner break up, etc) and your own child, where none of that applies - whether they’re biological or adopted makes no difference.

You’re the only person I’ve seen on this thread who has described an adoptive child as not being ‘your own’.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/08/2021 15:00

@DartmoorChef

"Well that’s a difficult thing to say when you have adoptees and fosterers who no doubt love mom-biological children just as much as they might their own"

Thankyou for pointing this out. The other comments on this thread confirm to me exactly why as an adopted child and now an adult I have so many issues. I never felt completely part of the family as I wasn't a blood relative. Not so much from my parents but certainly from aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. After my parents died nobody kept in touch. I was not invited to "family" events etc.. as I wasn't actually family.

“Not so much from my parents”

But we are ALL commenting from the perspective of a parent

Fiddliestofsticks · 17/08/2021 15:01

@DartmoorChef

I'm sorry you've been treated like that by your extended family. They're awful.

I think what the OP is talking about is a little different though. When you adopt, that child is yours. You should love them the same as any other child of your own. And your family should do the same. But this isnt making a choice to go out and adopt a much wanted child. This is someone else's children who already have parents of their own. And its after only 8 months of dating. It really wouldn't be appropriate to be saying that you love them like your own kids.

Maybe once the relationships is totally solid and going to be long term and then the kids really do become a part of your life and you become a part of their family, then it becomes closer to the relationship of adopted families but there is still that part in your head which tells you that the child isnt yours, and had parents of their own.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/08/2021 15:03

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@Clymene almost 100% of people on this thread have said that they cannot imagine loving a child that is not biologically theirs. Highly offensive to people like me and my adored adopted child[/quote]
@mummumumumumumumumumum

How bizarre

We are talking about fact we can’t imagine loving any other child as much as our own children

Presumably you regard your adopted child as our own? If not, then that is rather disturbing.

Talk about looking to take offence

LeonieSims · 17/08/2021 15:03

I think you can love them the same, it depends on how long you've been in their life and from what age.

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/08/2021 15:05

My dp had barely met my children at 8 months, let alone talks about moving in and loving them like his own. To be fair, I would never expect him to answer a question like that. He doesn't need to love them, he needs to treat them with kindness and respect.