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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner just said...

116 replies

maybenextyear · 17/08/2021 13:10

... that he loved my kids but would never love them the way he loves his own. AIBU to be a little put out by this? He plans to live with us eventually but it's still early days (together 8months). I don't know how I feel about it, I love his kids and could absolutely see myself loving them as much as I love my own if I was in a situation where I lived with them/ spent lots of time with them. He's a very loving person and clearly does love my children, he's great with them. So am I unreasonable to feel strange about it? Any advice from anyone who has been a blended family for a while?

OP posts:
Milkandhoney888 · 17/08/2021 15:05

I've been where you are and it does sting a little. But realistically i think it's the truth. I also think women are more maternal than men to some degree. I love my DP children, i would look after them and care for them ect. BUT it's not the same love i have for my own and that's just honesty.

As long as he's kind to them and treats them fairly that's all that matters in my opinion Smile

RevolvingPivot · 17/08/2021 15:09

How long had he know your DC?

RevolvingPivot · 17/08/2021 15:09

Known*

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/08/2021 15:14

If you've only known your partner for 8 months, op, you surely can't have spent any significant amount of time with these children?
Loving them already can't possibly be based on anything real. In your partner's place I'd think it was odd.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2021 15:21

Extremely fast going that he loves yours at all a mere 8 months in. How quickly did they meet him?

You’re being ridiculously naive to imagine you could learn to love his as much as your own. You’re in the flighty first flush stage of a still new relationship and being wide eyed and daft.

Neither of you will ever love each other’s like your own. Why would you?

Focus on dating and getting to know each other. No need or reason to be involving young children so much so soon.

markmichelle · 17/08/2021 15:24

Yes go along with most opinions here.
It could be that he is a bit surprised by the way he feels especially since you say to us that you would expect to love all equally. Does that make him feel a teeny bit guilty?
Let it build as you all get to know each other.

Winemewhynot · 17/08/2021 15:31

Agree. You can’t love someone else’s as much as your own, they’re part of you.

Deathsquito · 17/08/2021 15:35

I would be extremely wary of anyone who gushed that they loved my children in any way at all after only 8 months.

1forAll74 · 17/08/2021 15:58

It's not a thing people should say really, if they know the partner is sensitive about such things, but otherwise, it's probably the truth from the person who makes this statement. and you can't change that, but just accept some things.

FinallyHere · 17/08/2021 16:02

Honest and realistic.

Eight months into a new relationship, I'm really not sure that it's such a good idea for him to even know them that well. It's really not good that you are even considering or even worse expecting him to love them at any level, never mind like his own children.

Moderating your expectations seems pretty urgent that this point.

overtherainbo · 17/08/2021 16:08

My partner said the same with my children. He said he loves them, has never had interest in wanting children before and he thinks they are great kids. He loves the fact he's bringing them up but also said he would love his own more. I'm now expecting his child and I do fear my children may be pushed aside a little when his own comes?

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 16:10

I think you are using any angle to keep in with your bf, it's all disney talk, 8 months and you love his kids as much as your own, not buying it. I'm sure you could be very fond and like them, but let's face it, it's too early in your relationship to know them properly. Your bf is being honest now, it may change over time, but you need to stop pushing it. I'd be careful your attitude doesn't present itself as a red flag.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 16:12

@overtherainbo

My partner said the same with my children. He said he loves them, has never had interest in wanting children before and he thinks they are great kids. He loves the fact he's bringing them up but also said he would love his own more. I'm now expecting his child and I do fear my children may be pushed aside a little when his own comes?
I'm sure your partner has got to know your children though, think that's a lot different than only knowing them for 8 months. And if he's a good man I'm sure he'd never make them feel any different.
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 17/08/2021 16:12

@Saidtoomuch

He is honest and realistic. You can never love someone else's children like you do your own. It would be foolish to, unless they were legally yours.
DH said this, but after 12 years, he really does love them equally. People can't possibly know how they're going to feel in the future.
Original poster
maybenextyear · 17/08/2021 16:14

To those querying why we are discussing it - we weren't really. It was a passing comment from him when he was talking about how much he loved his own children, to which I gave no response. A 'I love xxx but I will never love them as much as I love xxx - they are my kids'. I wasn't 'asking him' or 'expecting him' to do anything. I was just querying whether it was normal. I totally understand it. The 'couldn't ever' in his passing comment made me worry my children would always come second to his, I guess that is just how it is though from what you are all saying.

He has been in their lives since they where very little, even though we have only been together for 8 months, as we were close friends before we got together. I appreciate that we need to take things slowly though, thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
overtherainbo · 17/08/2021 16:16

@Marmelace that's true, he's got a better connection with my daughter, he met her when she was a smal where as my son was a little older. They are quite close, she's by his side from the moment he gets in from work

overtherainbo · 17/08/2021 16:17

@Marmelace my post cut off, I'm sure you're right. It's just the change in dynamics that is a little scary, I'm sure all will be fine haha

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 16:19

[quote overtherainbo]@Marmelace my post cut off, I'm sure you're right. It's just the change in dynamics that is a little scary, I'm sure all will be fine haha [/quote]
I'm sure you will, wishing you a wonderful future for your family and your new baby x

AlmostSummer21 · 17/08/2021 16:22

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@DartmoorChef I came on to say how offensive these comments are. I have 2 biological children and 1 adopted child and I can, hand on heart, say I love them all so much and would never say I loved by little one less than the others. Those saying you never can love non bio children as much as 'your own' are, at worst, highly offensive and, at best, mistaken. I was told this exact thing on my adoption course and it disgusts me.[/quote]
Did anyone say biological though?

I think 'my own kids' includes adopted children because they ARE your own kids.

The difference isn't blood, it's the possible loss of contact in the future or presence if the other parent that makes SC (sometimes) 'one step removed' from children you are an actual parent to. A little bit if holding your heart back when you know they can be removed from you life.

ufucoffee · 17/08/2021 16:28

I would also include adopted children as being my own children. Because they are.

CookPassBabtridge · 17/08/2021 16:40

I definitely couldn't love another child like my own, that is nature and completely normal. That heart wrenching all encompassing love. But it doesn't mean a lot of love can't still be felt by him Smile

user1471538283 · 17/08/2021 16:43

I could never love another child as much as I love my DS. My love for him is front and centre all the time. I love other children and I would do anything to help or support them. But it isnt the same.

Xiaoxiong · 17/08/2021 16:44

What AlmostSummer says. Being a parent to an adopted child is very different from being a step-parent. That's why it's a big deal when a step-parent adopts their step-child because that's when the relationship is direct between parent and child and the child becomes "your own", rather than by virtue of being married to the parent.

DartmoorChef · 17/08/2021 16:48

I understand what some of you are saying and that the ops situation is not the same as an adoption. But when like me, you are that adopted child words hurt and cut deep and no matter how much you know that at least one of your adopted parents really wanted you, it's very hard when you are aware that because you aren't a biological part of the family you aren't loved as much certainly by other family members. And sorry to say it is true.. I've lived this all my life and many of the views on this thread confirm what I always knew.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2021 16:58

This thread isn’t about adopted children. At all. There are plenty of other threads which are.

This is about a recently formed couple and the reasonable expectations about their future feelings about each other’s children.

Making this particular thread about something unrelated isn’t helpful to anyone.