My partner just said...

[maybenextyear]

... that he loved my kids but would never love them the way he loves his own. AIBU to be a little put out by this? He plans to live with us eventually but it's still early days (together 8months). I don't know how I feel about it, I love his kids and could absolutely see myself loving them as much as I love my own if I was in a situation where I lived with them/ spent lots of time with them. He's a very loving person and clearly does love my children, he's great with them. So am I unreasonable to feel strange about it? Any advice from anyone who has been a blended family for a while?

I could never love anyone elses kids as much as my own. It's perfectly reasonable and he is putting his position out there in case you start demanding more than he can offer to them, I assume.

@vivainsomnia

OP, he is not going to replace your kids' dad and if that is your expectation, you need to review it. It's not fair on him.

This

I'd worry if he said anything else. He seems honest and sensible about this.

Very normal. It's how he treats them that matters

@DartmoorChef

"Well that’s a difficult thing to say when you have adoptees and fosterers who no doubt love mom-biological children just as much as they might their own"

Thankyou for pointing this out. The other comments on this thread confirm to me exactly why as an adopted child and now an adult I have so many issues. I never felt completely part of the family as I wasn't a blood relative. Not so much from my parents but certainly from aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. After my parents died nobody kept in touch. I was not invited to "family" events etc.. as I wasn't actually family.

I see these as 2 completely different things. it is not the same situation as adopting a child with your partner.

It’s only been 8 months! I kind of get it that you want him to love your children like you do but it’s really not been that long anyway and I think his honesty is a good sign- better than some billy bullshitter who just tells you what he thinks you want to hear.

I could never love someone's kids like my own. I just can't.

It doesn't mean I couldn't care for them or give them a loving home though.

@DartmoorChef

"Well that’s a difficult thing to say when you have adoptees and fosterers who no doubt love mom-biological children just as much as they might their own"

Thankyou for pointing this out. The other comments on this thread confirm to me exactly why as an adopted child and now an adult I have so many issues. I never felt completely part of the family as I wasn't a blood relative. Not so much from my parents but certainly from aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. After my parents died nobody kept in touch. I was not invited to "family" events etc.. as I wasn't actually family.

That's so sad; you were treated very cruelly. I don't think there is any reason why a loving person could not love stepchildren or adopted children without creating a hierarchy where some are considered less important or less worthy of love. I find the idea abhorrent, honestly. Sadly the evil stepmother/stepfather/adoptive parent in fairytales and stories are clearly based on real life.

I have SC. There is no way my feelings for them are anywhere near that of my own children. I couldn't even say that I love them in all honesty. Not yet anyway.

This seems like too deep a conversation to have at 8 months as is talking about moving in together. You are still learning how to build your relationship let alone changing the situation for DCs.

Are you pushing this forwards to 'fix' the issues from your ex? (The ones that make you feel sensitive?).

@DartmoorChef I came on to say how offensive these comments are. I have 2 biological children and 1 adopted child and I can, hand on heart, say I love them all so much and would never say I loved by little one less than the others. Those saying you never can love non bio children as much as 'your own' are, at worst, highly offensive and, at best, mistaken. I was told this exact thing on my adoption course and it disgusts me.

How long has he known your kids?

YABU, I don’t think step-children are the same as adopted children. I have a DS and know I could love adoptive children just as much as I do him, but there is a degree of self-preservation in my feeling towards my DP’s children as I know they could leave my life at any moment if me and my partner split. Plus, they don’t need me to love them like a parent, they have two loving parents already, my role is to be caring and present and consistent and out of that will grow a different sort of love to the one a parent has for a child they have full parental responsibility for. I don’t expect my DP to love my son the way he does his own (and my son’s father is 100% absent from his life) but I don’t actually think discussions about love and comparisons between types of love are necessary, I think actions are what matters.

You barely know him so it's a bit early to start worrying about his feelings about your children

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@DartmoorChef I came on to say how offensive these comments are. I have 2 biological children and 1 adopted child and I can, hand on heart, say I love them all so much and would never say I loved by little one less than the others. Those saying you never can love non bio children as much as 'your own' are, at worst, highly offensive and, at best, mistaken. I was told this exact thing on my adoption course and it disgusts me.[/quote]
It is completely different. When you adopt a child, you commit to that child for life. When you move in with someone who has children, your primary relationship is with their parent, not the child.

Any family who don't treat an adopted child as part of the family are evil

@Clymene almost 100% of people on this thread have said that they cannot imagine loving a child that is not biologically theirs. Highly offensive to people like me and my adored adopted child

YABU. Of course he will never love your children as his own; they’re not his children.

@Tiredtiredtired100

YABU, I don’t think step-children are the same as adopted children. I have a DS and know I could love adoptive children just as much as I do him, but there is a degree of self-preservation in my feeling towards my DP’s children as I know they could leave my life at any moment if me and my partner split. Plus, they don’t need me to love them like a parent, they have two loving parents already, my role is to be caring and present and consistent and out of that will grow a different sort of love to the one a parent has for a child they have full parental responsibility for. I don’t expect my DP to love my son the way he does his own (and my son’s father is 100% absent from his life) but I don’t actually think discussions about love and comparisons between types of love are necessary, I think actions are what matters.

Exactly. A couple taking on an adopted child full time, as a choice and in tandem, is entirely different from taking on the part-time presence of children who your partner is parent to, and who has another parent 'policing' (in the nicest possible way) your role in their life. It creates a barrier to full-on parental love.

And to be fair, the other parent would probably resent that level of love from their child's step-parent. I'm just imagining the OP:
"my exDH's partner has just said she lives my DC as much as I do. Who does she think she is?"

[quote mummumumumumumumumumum]@Clymene almost 100% of people on this thread have said that they cannot imagine loving a child that is not biologically theirs. Highly offensive to people like me and my adored adopted child[/quote]
Well I haven't said that and I've posted twice and there are not 44 posts so it's not 100% at all.

People are a bit ignorant about adoption, I agree

Adopted children are your own children.

Step children aren't.

You can absolutely love an adopted child in the same way as a biological child.

Step children, not so much, the relationship with them is dependent on your relationship with someone else. If you break up with the parent you'll never see that kid again.

After 8 months he shouldn't even have met your children, let alone be talking about moving in with them and how much he loves them.

I think by the time he has spent 20 years with them and seen them grow up then this will be the case. As it is now, it is a realistic and honest statement from him.
My son is a 'step son' but his step dad is his dad and he is absolutely loved as much as the biological children. There is no doubt in my mind. It is what comes with time.
I am not sure I would love another's children as much as my own, but after time, I undoubtedly would. It is all about time, not about who gave a sperm or egg to make the kids.

I don't know what is weirder after just 8 months, him voicing it or you asking 🤔

*@Clymene almost 100% of people on this thread have said that they cannot imagine loving a child that is not biologically theirs. Highly offensive to people like me and my adored adopted child

No they did not. They said you don't love other peoples as much as you do your own. Your adopted child is your own.

8 months is far to early to be loving him or his children and vice versa - you are still in fancying infatuation stage.

Of course you will never love his like your own, he is being honest with you and why are you even talking like this after 8 months?