To think dd’s behaviour is a little worrying?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd, 13 doesn’t really talk about her feelings. She’s extremely mature, conscientious and high achieving and so I haven’t noticed her odd behaviours straight away. She comes across in many ways as perfect - very responsible, on the student council at school, plays an instrument, lots of sensible friends etc.

She has a very strict routine at bedtime and constantly asks me what time it is. She said it’s because she likes to be in bed at 8 and asleep by 9. She sets an alarm for 6.30 am, even in school holidays and when we aren’t going anywhere.

She sometimes seems anxious and tearful but denies that anything is wrong. The current situation in Afghanistan has upset her, but even when I can see tears coming down her face she insists that she’s not crying. She doesn’t like listening to the news as she is extremely sensitive.

She doesn’t like going out with friends, although she does have lots of friends. She went to a sleepover once but got upset because the other girls kept her awake. She likes being at home and staying in our village.

She’s terrified of trains after a Year 6 assembly about the dangers of playing on railway tracks. Dd would never do anything like that, but unfortunately she now does not want to get on a train at all.

She enjoys baking but although she likes fresh bread, scones and cakes, she eats an extremely limited diet. There are lots of foods she doesn’t eat. She’s very slim although I don’t think she’s underweight. She doesn’t seem to have any issues with her body shape or concerns about her appearance- she’s just very fussy and quite controlled about what she will eat.

I’ve had a chat with her, but she just says nothing is wrong. I feel like something is worrying but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

Has she always been like this or has there been a change?

I think she’s recently become more fussy with food and more rigid about sleep time and getting up time. The asking what time it is in the evening is new. I think she’s worried about going back to school. She’s good at school and her teachers think she’s brilliant - but she finds the school environment exhausting.

I know what you mean. It sounds like she maybe has some anxiety issues? I suffered from anxiety for my entire life (finally under control) and I would exhibit some quite controlling behaviour like your daughter is (controlling over herself/routines/habits/like and dislikes) because I think it gives a sense of control and security. I also feel very sensitive about world events - I have been driving my husband mad worrying about the situation in Afghanistan too! - and can be really sensitive sometimes as I can feel a bit overwhelmed by everything going on in the world. It's all a part of anxiety. Like I said, I've got it a lot under control now but sometimes still spiral. But from reading this, your daughter sounds a lot like me. I'd suggest she might have some anxiety issues.

Sound similar to my son who is the same age ( except the rigid time keeping bit)

He was assessed for ASD 6 years ago and was told he was below the score for what they'd class as ASD. He is very sensitive though and like me will be upset by news stories and overthink a lot of things

It's part of his personality and it's mine too. He sensitive to other people so they can easily upset or annoy him. He's more tolerant as he's got older and I suspect a lot of it he will grow out of ( like I did)

I wouldn't worry too much unless you feel her mental health is not on top of. Alongside the sensitivity is anxiety and the emotions are similar in that sense. The alarm setting will be a way for her to feel like she has control over something when she feels she has little control over her emotions

My son did some CBT and is learning how to deal and better process his emotions. It's a good skill to learn in any case!

I can relate to being too upset to watch the news and preferring to be at home rather than going to sleepovers. Even the bedtime and waking up thing doesn't seem too odd to me. But being afraid of trains and not wanting to see friends... that is going to cause her serious problems as she gets older if she doesn't build up her confidence and step out of her comfort zone a bit. Has she expressed why she's reluctant to leave the village? Is she reluctant to leave you in case something happens?

I used to be like this. Without the train worries. I developed anorexia by 16. I would, if you can afford it, get a teen therapist and pay for some sessions for her to explore her feelings and behaviour. If you can get her to consent. I think you are right to be concerned.

It sounds like she has become anxious as she is growing up? The things that were once controlled by you, are no longer being controlled and she is trying to find a way to place the structure back into her life. Things like bed time and food are all things that parents loosen up on as children become teens. I am concerned that she either doesn’t realise she is upset or won’t admit that she is. Being scared of public transport or being away from home is mostly normal, but should be worked on.

Are you able to talk to her school and let them know she’s feeling like this? Perhaps her form tutor might be able to guide you and keep an eye out for any bullying or problems she’s having. Keep the lines of communication open with her, and be non judgmental (which it sounds like you already are) about anything she is feeling. Hopefully this is just a short anxious phase from hormones or possibly covid restrictions, but I would also be concerned about it.

I wouldn't worry about most of that as long as she's happy in herself? She's introverted andsounds like a very organised person who likes to control her environment. It's not unusual not to enjoy sleepovers or have the worry about trains. My dd avoids lifts after seeing something years ago, although she'll use one if she really has to. Having friends is great but also not unusual to not spend a lot of time with them, especially if she's introverted and finds socialising draining.

Do you show your emotions freely in front of her? It's sad that she seems to be embarrassed about being emotional I front of you. Teens can be easily embarrassed about anything and everything though.

I'd be slightly concerned about her diet and keep an eye on that. Does she use social media? I know from my dd that a lot of teen girls are very proud of their limited food intake and can get quite competitive.

It sounds like anxiety. They are also ASD traits, but because they are building then that's the anxiety taking over. Children who have anxiety often present as 'perfect'. I'd read around general anxiety in children/teens. There won't be one thing to 'put your finger on'.

Don't worry my DD is the same and she's fine although we did worry about her a lot when she was younger . DH and I were not as conscientious, hard working and sensitive when we were her age so spent a long time trying to get to her to do things she didn't want to do until we realised she was very happy at home and with her books and setting her alarm to get up even when it is not a school day. There are lots of study tubers such as Unjaded Jade who do the same. DD also likes to exercise and eat well so take aways etc are our treat but she still prefers to have her own home cooked food. She has also been really upset about Afghanistan but I think lots of us have and with her I just put it down to her being gentle and sensitive. We still get people trying to advise us to get her out more and change her but I would rather support who she chooses to be but keeping a close eye to make sure she doesn't get too isolated

She’s definitely not being bullied. Although she is anxious she is actually quite assertive and very selective about her friendship group. She actually loved lockdown, she’s extremely introverted and it suited her. I know she often gets sat next to the disruptive students in mixed ability classes because she’s so sensible, which she doesn’t like.

I’d be most concerned about the limited eating and the control over alarms and times in bed. I think she has anxiety. Could you explore this.. maybe suggest a counsellor if she wants one?

Sounds very like my son who is diagnosed autistic. He copes with life very well, just has lots of quirks and very selective eating.

My first thought reading this is asd. Which I and one of my dc have.

Sounds like an anxiety issue, also might be worth doing one if the many good autism screening tests, have you watched ‘are you autistic’ on channel 4? Many girls with ASD don’t present until high school age.

This was me at that age. I am autistic. I'm didn't know that back then. It might have helped me to have known that.

Her older sister is on the ASD pathway but dd seems extremely socially aware and able to navigate friendships much more skilfully than her sister. There are some similarities- the need for control most notably- but she has an awareness of social complexity that her older sister does not. I don’t think she has ASD.

I’m very like that - have a lot of ‘phobias’ and things I won’t do as they scare me too much . News on the TV gets under my skin easily, I’ll hear something and obsess over it for months - at 19 I was utterly convinced there’d be a nuclear war with Iran for example ... it’s caused me no end of difficulties at times as my world’s gotten very small - you make safe places but they get smaller, and smaller which is no use at all. In the back of my mind if I leave my safe places I feel like I might suffer some sort of catastrophe, or I might inadvertently cause harm to someone else . Have a desire for very rigid routines and to ‘know everything’ - don’t like surprises or not knowing far in advance of what’s coming .

I have a diagnosis of OCD now and also thought to be autistic.

I will have a look though - we do have autism in the family. She doesn’t have any sensory issues either really.

If it works for her, it's fine. But if her need for control is curtailing her ability to enjoy life or indeed impacting negatively on the family, it's time to look at getting some help for her. Sometimes these "quirks" spiral to the point everyone in the house is walking on eggshells.

My Dsis was anorexic and this describes her behaviour to a t. She went to bed early to wake up early because she had read that those who wake earlier stay slimmer.

I worry it will limit her, particularly not wanting to go on the train. I feel she does have traits of OCD.

Dd does fit the profile of someone who could have anorexia in the future - conscientious and needing to control her environment. I don’t think that’s why she goes to bed early now though, I think she just likes routine. I worry that she’s anxious though about not being able to stick to the routine.

My dd 15 is like this. Very anxious. Currently won’t eat anywhere unless it’s Costa or similar or somewhere she’s been before. When she was younger l wondered if she was on the spectrum.

Now I’m almost sure she is, but she point blank refuses to go to the doctor or let me tell school. You have my sympathy it’s a bloody nightmare.

Lots to think about here. I wonder if I should be encouraging her to do things that are out of her comfort zone.