To think dd’s behaviour is a little worrying?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd, 13 doesn’t really talk about her feelings. She’s extremely mature, conscientious and high achieving and so I haven’t noticed her odd behaviours straight away. She comes across in many ways as perfect - very responsible, on the student council at school, plays an instrument, lots of sensible friends etc.

She has a very strict routine at bedtime and constantly asks me what time it is. She said it’s because she likes to be in bed at 8 and asleep by 9. She sets an alarm for 6.30 am, even in school holidays and when we aren’t going anywhere.

She sometimes seems anxious and tearful but denies that anything is wrong. The current situation in Afghanistan has upset her, but even when I can see tears coming down her face she insists that she’s not crying. She doesn’t like listening to the news as she is extremely sensitive.

She doesn’t like going out with friends, although she does have lots of friends. She went to a sleepover once but got upset because the other girls kept her awake. She likes being at home and staying in our village.

She’s terrified of trains after a Year 6 assembly about the dangers of playing on railway tracks. Dd would never do anything like that, but unfortunately she now does not want to get on a train at all.

She enjoys baking but although she likes fresh bread, scones and cakes, she eats an extremely limited diet. There are lots of foods she doesn’t eat. She’s very slim although I don’t think she’s underweight. She doesn’t seem to have any issues with her body shape or concerns about her appearance- she’s just very fussy and quite controlled about what she will eat.

I’ve had a chat with her, but she just says nothing is wrong. I feel like something is worrying but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

I know I bang on about sport and its boring but does she do any exercise

Also- the thing with her dad is a bit odd- having ten cats and litter trays doesn't make it unsuitable- why did you stop her brother having overnights? Is this more to this?

She doesn’t cross things out or struggle to get the words out and it doesn’t affect her day. She did get upset over lockdown because school set a lot of work and she would work from 9 to 6, but not get it all done because she was writing too much. She’s generally pretty balanced.

She’s not sporty at all - we did do couch to 5 K over the lockdown so maybe that would be helpful again.

I think her dad’s house is a bit chaotic and I’m not happy that he supervises them properly. He forgets to give them lunch sometimes. The house smells of cat wee - I can smell it on dd1’s clothes when she’s been there. It’s only a 3 bed and he has two step siblings and a little girl with his girlfriend, so it’s a bit crowded.

She doesn’t watch studytubers.

Sorry - her dad has two step children and a little girl with his girlfriend.

@WhoisRebecca

She doesn’t cross things out or struggle to get the words out and it doesn’t affect her day. She did get upset over lockdown because school set a lot of work and she would work from 9 to 6, but not get it all done because she was writing too much. She’s generally pretty balanced.

She’s not sporty at all - we did do couch to 5 K over the lockdown so maybe that would be helpful again.

It sounds like she’s just doing something she enjoys then. Which is good! Lockdown was hard for everyone, and it’s good that she told you that she was upset. She might just be having a bit of a wobble due to coming out of lockdown. Being thrown back into the real world all of a sudden has brought up issues for lots of people that they might not otherwise have had. In her teen years, that has to be hard, to go from being 11/12 stuck in a house all day every day to 13/14 and being let out again. They are formative years for her to start gaining some independence. It almost makes sense she’s not wanting to get on a train, and she’s controlling her bed times. She’s just trying to figure herself out. Give it time and see how it goes. Try and enjoy your hot chocolate with her this evening, if nothing else she will have a nice time being out with you :)

I have OCD on and off and it's usually triggered by feeling not in control. It happens when I am stressed and worried about a specific 'bad thing' happening and so to ward it off, I start engaging in silly rituals to ward it off. It makes me feel in control of things i am not in control of. For example, when I was pregnant I was terrified of having a miscarriage, so would do all sorts of ritual based daft things, to feel like I could prevent it happening. It's a sort of magical thinking, that rationally makes no sense but the feelings associated with the actions (or not doing the actions) are so strong, that they are impossible to ignore.

I'm struck by the situation where she is living between 2 homes and one of them is chaotic. I wonder if the lack of control over that is triggering it, although tbh it could be anything.

Going for a walk or drive with a teenager is good to help them open up. The lack of direct eye contact is part of it, plus the moving around makes it less intense for them. Perhaps you could very, very gently raise what you have noticed , if you sense you get a rapport going.

I can see why people are saying ASD but OCD could easily mimic ASD traits.

She isn’t living between two homes. She hasn’t been to her dad’s home for over two years. She lives full time with me, stepdad and her brother and sister.

I do think she likes to have control of her environment.

She'd love study tubers!

Sounds like OCD. My dd was similar

@WhoisRebecca

As you've posted more, I think it's becoming increasingly clear that your DD's behaviour is in response to external stress.

While she may well have autistic traits - and I'm not qualified in this area to judge, let alone in a position to diagnose over the internet! - I think you are potentially underplaying the impact of the broken relationship between your DD and her father - while you say she will happily see him for occasional activities, that's not really a father-daughter relationship, is it? She never goes to his house, presumably therefore she never sees her half sibling - how does she feel about the fact that her father has a family with someone else now? Is one of the reasons she doesn't like being there - aside from the chaotic environment you have described - the fact that there's another child there who she maybe feels replaced by? What was her relationship like with her father before you split?

I have to say that unless your ex is genuinely a useless father who already had form for being useless before you split and was never much in her life, it is always a little alarming to me when I hear of a child who is refusing to engage with a parent after a separation. Whether your daughter has articulated it or not, there is trauma here. She needs support to unpack it. No child really survives the breakdown of a marriage unscathed, no matter how amicable you may perceive it to have been.

I really do think you need to dig deeper here. There will be a reason why your DD is behaving in this way, and the more you post, the more I am thinking there have been events that have led to her behaviour that you may not realise have had such a negative impact on her.

She was only 5 when we split. She did have regular weekend contact, but when he met his new girlfriend- his flat was disgusting inside. Dd sent me a video and there was rubbish everywhere. I then said contact had to be at his mum’s instead. Things improved temporarily when he moved to a bigger property, but soon got worse again. She won’t talk about it though. Her grandma and grandad on dad’s side both died in the last 12 months as well.

I see. Her grandparents dying in the last year, if she was very close to them, could be another trigger for controlling behaviour, alongside the problematic relationship with her father. A father who fails to provide a safe and secure home for you has got to have a traumatic impact on a child. A father who can't be bothered to maintain a clean home for his child's visits and isn't sufficiently bothered by the child's distress and lack of desire to visit his home due to the mess, is a father who is essentially rejecting his child. Your ex's choice to have another child with a new partner in a home where your DD had already been made to feel unwelcome and unimportant could well have caused emotional trauma that your DD has never really processed or articulated.

I know you say she doesn't want to talk, but I think gently starting to explore her feelings about her father may reveal much that will help you to understand better where her need for control is coming from, and what support you can give her to cope with and eventually overcome it.

That sounds really hard, and like she's been through a lot with losing grandparents.I think the main thing to watch is if she's happy in herself. If she seems happy enough, keep an eye but this is a very normal stage for some. Girls especially are very conscientious, and if she is worried either consciously or subconsciously, it is her form of reminding herself she still has control. For now, it doesn't sound harmful but it could be a precursor to something else, this does not mean it will be. As her mother you will be able to sense if something isn't right, and get help ( CAMHS, as you've said, will be difficult but if you can go private or find an online counsellor?) I would maybe caution against getting school involved, if she's a perfectionist she will see it as her ‘getting in trouble’ and may not want to open up in a school setting where she is usually ‘perfect.’

I will also say that in my long experience as a secondary school teacher, I've had many discussions with parents where they swear blind their child hasn't been affected by their split because it was when they were tiny. But from my perspective, the age of the child at the time of the split doesn't really bear much relation to the level of trauma experienced in the aftermath. So while she was only 5 when it happened, I wouldn't underestimate the impact it may have had on her. I don't say this to make you feel bad at all - half of marriages end in divorce, it's not your fault your ex lives in a tip, and you've created a lovely stable home for your child with your new partner - but emotions aren't rational, and as your DD isn't very forthcoming with hers, she may have been hiding a lot of feelings of sadness, rejection, etc under the surface for a long time. I know for me when my parents split up, my main feeling was shame. This was the early 00's in a posh suburb where all my friends had lovely, happily married parents - I felt like a social outcast for having parents who had 'failed'. I have never told my parents I felt this way. They separated amicably and my dad saw us every weekend without fail as well as regularly during the week. We stayed in my family home and they did everything they could to keep our lives stable. I never felt unloved or rejected or that their split was my fault. Even so, it was intensely traumatic for me and my siblings - I don't blame my parents for this at all - they did their best - but still, those feelings were there and they affected me very badly for a long time, in ways my parents had no awareness of.

He's her dad. She is probably terrified that she's going to grow up to be the kind of person who lives in a skip. Bless her.

It sounds like she has anxiety around a lot of things that are around "growing up" eg having later or more flexible bed times, socialising independently with friends, using public transport, going to new places, eating more "grown up" food.

Does she want to stay a little girl? Some anorexia can be triggered by concern over changing body and puberty and anxiety disorders like OCD often manifest at a similar time as a child struggles with becoming more independent.

Oh gosh. So sorry to read she has lost both grandparents in a year. It sounds like there's been a lot going on for all of your. Death, grief, loss can lead to fear of more death, anxiety and OCD. Death is the ultimate for increasing the feelings of not being in control. She's at a tricky age at the best of times. It's hard to know what goes on in teen's heads, but especially if when they won't open up. OCD has a way of silencing it's victims but hopefully she will soon enough. You're clearly a caring mum and it will all come spilling out eventually.

She sounds a lot like my oldest who does have a (currently mild, very well-controlled) eating disorder and anxiety. My DD is not autistic but there are some OCD traits. She also has lots of friends and is an academic high achiever.

We live in Australia so access might be easier but we paid for a psychologist who specialises in ED/anxiety and that was enough to make a massive difference.

Everyone for her seems interlinked - when the academic demand goes up with assessments and that like the need for control elsewhere does too.

She wouldn’t cope well with a chaotic living environment, I don’t think

As a neurotypical-passing autistic woman I recognise in myself a lot of those traits you've described.

She's a prime age for her social world to be developing faster than she can keep abreast of which is why controlling behaviour starts happening.

I asked her why she doesn’t see her friends over the holidays. She said she just doesn’t want to. When I pressed her, she just said she was an introvert and didn’t want to go out.

@WhoisRebecca

I asked her why she doesn’t see her friends over the holidays. She said she just doesn’t want to. When I pressed her, she just said she was an introvert and didn’t want to go out.

That's OK, I have one child like this.

She might like the cartoon book Quiet Girl in a Noisy World.

Sounds very much like anxiety. I can relate to a lot of what you say she does. She is very controlled over certain parts of her life (sleeping, bedtime, friendships) because these are the things she feels she CAN control so over does it to compensate for the anxiety she feels for things she can't control.

That makes a lot of sense. She does seem really balanced and happy most of the time.