To think dd’s behaviour is a little worrying?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd, 13 doesn’t really talk about her feelings. She’s extremely mature, conscientious and high achieving and so I haven’t noticed her odd behaviours straight away. She comes across in many ways as perfect - very responsible, on the student council at school, plays an instrument, lots of sensible friends etc.

She has a very strict routine at bedtime and constantly asks me what time it is. She said it’s because she likes to be in bed at 8 and asleep by 9. She sets an alarm for 6.30 am, even in school holidays and when we aren’t going anywhere.

She sometimes seems anxious and tearful but denies that anything is wrong. The current situation in Afghanistan has upset her, but even when I can see tears coming down her face she insists that she’s not crying. She doesn’t like listening to the news as she is extremely sensitive.

She doesn’t like going out with friends, although she does have lots of friends. She went to a sleepover once but got upset because the other girls kept her awake. She likes being at home and staying in our village.

She’s terrified of trains after a Year 6 assembly about the dangers of playing on railway tracks. Dd would never do anything like that, but unfortunately she now does not want to get on a train at all.

She enjoys baking but although she likes fresh bread, scones and cakes, she eats an extremely limited diet. There are lots of foods she doesn’t eat. She’s very slim although I don’t think she’s underweight. She doesn’t seem to have any issues with her body shape or concerns about her appearance- she’s just very fussy and quite controlled about what she will eat.

I’ve had a chat with her, but she just says nothing is wrong. I feel like something is worrying but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

@WhoisRebecca

My brother has ASD. Dd1 is on the pathway for ASD and ADD - she has had very significant difficulties with her MH and school based anxiety. Dd1 struggles academically though and is constantly having friendship issues. Dd2 gets on with everyone, has a highly developed sense of social justice and can read between the lines in a way that dd1 can’t.

I can do everything your DD2 can and I am still autistic. The profile is different in girls.

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble please stop saying that everyone is a little on the spectrum. This is completely ridiculous. I get out of breath sometimes, I'm not 'a little asthmatic'.

[quote Latenightpharma]@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble please stop saying that everyone is a little on the spectrum. This is completely ridiculous. I get out of breath sometimes, I'm not 'a little asthmatic'.[/quote]
How do you know? Have you been tested for asthma?

@WhoisRebecca

My brother has ASD. Dd1 is on the pathway for ASD and ADD - she has had very significant difficulties with her MH and school based anxiety. Dd1 struggles academically though and is constantly having friendship issues. Dd2 gets on with everyone, has a highly developed sense of social justice and can read between the lines in a way that dd1 can’t.

I am an extrovert, social, have friends and work in an environment that requires delicate communication. I'm also autistic. Social difficulties affect people differently, some really struggle, others not so much. Social justice is something that interests a lot of autistic people as well, sometimes to the point of obsession.

Nobody on here can tell you what is going on with your DD, but ASD or Asperger's are not a one size fits all presentation. I can make jokes, but I can't tell when I'm hungry or thirsty. My family member has no such issues, but they are socially quite limited. I can identify with them, but we are not the same.

From my perspective (someone who had anxiety and an eating disorder growing up and now works with young people), I would say anxiety potentially developing into an eating disorder.

She sounds like she probably has pressure to stay 'perfect' - not from you necessarily but maybe from herself/school/peers. It's common for anxiety and eating disorders to start when a young person feels like they have no control and are under a lot of stress. To them, it feels like they're regaining control - even though really it's the opposite.

I'd take her to the GP, try and get her on the waiting list for CAMHS, and examine her schedule to see if she's pushing herself too much.

Also to be honest I'm on the spectrum and whilst the behaviours match up a bit I think it's more likely anxiety and/or an eating disorder based on what you've said.

ASD is a large spectrum. I work in primary school and have seen parents of a child with obvious ASD traits not notice milder traits in their other children.
Of course, you know your child best. Perhaps speak to her teachers to see if they notice anything different.

Sounds like anxiety and OCD to me

I generally don't care for people trying to diagnose someone from a few posts on an internet forum without ever actually having met them. I certainly think you should get your daughter seen by a professional for her anxiety, though.

Would you be willing to do an online quiz/checklist with her on whether or not ASD might be present? Though keep in mind, this is not definitive proof of it, just an indicator. And these quizzes do tend to be very male oriented.

This sounds similar to my dd too. At about 12 yrs she developed OCD traits, rigidity about doing things in certain ways and having to do things at specific times. She has always been quite socially anxious, and highly sensitive, as well as very 'literal' in her interpretation of things, and when younger I tried unsuccessfully for an ASD diagnosis. She has now developed a condition called misophonia (hyper sensitivity to specific sounds, mainly my breathing, eating, speaking, sniffing) which is incredibly difficult to live with. We are waiting for support for the misophonia- CAMHS won't start support for her anxiety/OCD because they see it as inextricably linked with the misophonia, which they can't help with. We're also waiting for another ASD assessment as I'm convinced she has ASD.

I'm afraid my experience has been of a lot of waiting so far, so unless you are able to go private I'd ask for support sooner rather than later, as the time gap from assessment to anything starting is incredibly long. Good luck.

Having said that it's quite normal for young girls to begin displaying their ASD and not 'masking' by developing anxiety and/or an eating disorder so actually I'd keep all three in mind.

I doubt her teachers would notice anything out of the ordinary. I regularly get praise emails and awards from school about her, so from school’s point of view she’s absolutely fine and thriving. She isn’t particularly literal in her thinking. Her communication skills are sophisticated. The only thing I would say is that she’s very private and closed. She stopped going to her dad's for weekend contact a couple of years ago, but when asked why - she just said she didn’t want to. She didn’t tell me when she started her periods, so I just leave pads in her room now. I doubt she would speak to a counsellor.

I will take her to Costa tonight and for a hot choc, walk around the village to break up her routine and have a chat with her.

Autism in a very able girl was my first thought, too. Both of my children are able and autistic.

Tony Attwood has developed, with some peers, a checklist for female presentations. Perhaps it may be of interest.

There is one for 5-12 year olds and another for over 13s.

As it's a pilot, and presently being tested against the population in question, there are as yet no scaled levels to determine cut-offs. But I think the questions themselves are interesting, and thought-provoking, in terms of how more subtle autism can present.

She's definitely anxious, and needs to control her environment, which may of course not have an autistic underlying driver, but it's worth considering. If you can afford it (I know what a huge 'if' that is) the Lorna Wing Centre is the centre of excellence for autistic women and girls in the country. Full assessment there is £3,000 and while the NHS can refer and fund, increasingly CCGs refuse to do so, even when the GP makes that referral, so most people have to self-fund. If that's beyond your limits (which it would be for most, l think) I can recommend a phenomenally good SLT, who can identify social behaviours indicative of ASD if they are there, but will cost much, much less - a report from her could found the NHS being prepared to assess, though waiting lists are sadly very long. PM me for her name, if that may help.

I doubt CAMHS would accept her. Dd1 had to take an overdose before she was seen. She doesn’t have any particular mental health issues beyond anxiety and rigidity. Unless it develops further there’s no way they would see her.

I’m really not convinced she’s autistic- but I’ll keep an open mind.

She sounds like quite a naturally highly strung character, maybe prone to getting anxious, stressed.

I've got some tendencies like this and find I'm now much more relaxed. I think its come partly with ageing and an acceptance of the fact that I can't control everything. Also however self awareness - understanding what choices I can make in my life that keep me calm and stress free. So I chose to move from a higher intensity work environment to one that suits me better, and I choose to surround myself with people who aren't too competitive, but I also acknowledge that I like routine and home life and that's absolutely fine if that makes me happy

I had quite bad anxiety issues/ocd at age 13. It manifested itself as a kind of throat clearing tic - I used to feel like I had something stuck in my throat and had a panic attack one day at school. I also used to do the same things obsessively over and over.

I grew out of it (never had any help or diagnosis, I just see it now looking back). I had a parent die a year earlier - has your dd had any trauma in her life so far? Thirteen is a very tricky age, they are changing lots and often can't reconcile themselves with the mix of childish and new feelings inside and their changing bodies.

Sorry, I'm no expert but i this is probably more common than you think and I wouldn't worry too much - she will probably grow out of it and some of it just sounds like a sensitive personality.

I do understand though and dd9 is very similar in some ways, obsessive/anxious behaviour and overly sensitive. Her teacher at school has pointed it out and has put her on the list to be assessed by the pastoral care team but nothing has happened so far. Maybe speak to her school?

The situation in Afghanistan had me up last night too. Your dd sounds like a very intelligent, sensitive young woman and I'm sure she is going to do very well in the future. I'd be more worried about people who are not bothered about what is happening in Afghanistan.

By the way I think puberty is often a time that's very hard for people who like to be in control, because quite simply, you aren't. Hormones/emotions are all over the place, your body is changing in ways you arent in charge of it.

I am not diagnosing, but I am autistic and highly socially skilled. Just fwiw.

Sorry didn't read the whole thread. Now see I am repeating what others have said...which could be irritating!

I know some people with ASD are extremely socially skilled. I’m just not convinced dd2 is autistic. I was thinking more OCD/anxiety traits.

I would d never have thought autistic from your description tbh. Anxious and perfectionist yes. Does she mind being rubbish at anything? Do you think she feels responsible for being the "good" one if her dsis has some issues?

She isn’t bad at anything really, she’s not amazing at Art but she’s academic across the board. Once a teacher was going to give a behaviour point to her because she didn’t get dressed after PE quickly enough - but quickly retracted it when she burst into tears. She does extra work at home - translating stories from German into English because she enjoys it. She would hate to fail at anything. Her sister avoids schoolwork at all costs. I do think dd2 feels she has to be the good one.

My daughter has severe OCD. What you are describing is almost word for word my DD at that age. She came down today and said she is struggling as she is worried about Afghanistan - it’s called moral OCD where a sufferer thinks they must do something to help or they are in some way responsible. Have a look at OCD Action and OCD uK websites they’ve been a lifeline for us. There’s also an OCD parents Facebook page.

I'm autistic and this is extremely similar to how I was as a child. It was my first thought.