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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should get up with his kids?

134 replies

Julianne82xoxo · 17/08/2021 08:58

Reporting to you live from bed!

DP hates mornings. Hates them. Would happily stay in bed all morning if he could and is very grumpy for about half an hour to an hour after getting up most days. We have agreed to disagree on whether or not this is reasonable.

He has three kids from a previous relationship who are 5,7 and 8. They are here longer than the usual arrangement over the holidays and are staying for for ten days on this occasion. He is on holiday from work and I am still working. They are up and awake and have made themselves cereal. Currently playing and knocking/coming into the room clearly bored and looking for us to get up.

Yesterday I had my second jab and was feeling quite unwell last night so my manager told me not to rush into work today. I am now awake, bit groggy but generally in the position that I feel I need to get up for work, but know I will be bombarded with questions and all sorts from the kids who want company.

I think DP should get up, even though he hates mornings, so I can get ready and go to work without tripping over the kids. His argument would be that I can just ignore them if I want to, and that they're perfectly happy and able to entertain themselves until he's ready to get up. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 17/08/2021 11:35

Yanbu
Getting up earlier than you’d otherwise like to when you’re not working is one of the main things you just have to do when you have kids

nevernotstruggling · 17/08/2021 11:35

I find the morning hating really immature and unattractive

Ragwort · 17/08/2021 11:44

What on Earth attracts you to this useless man, he's got three children and he can't be bothered to get up in the morning ... how can you put up with this?I bet he thought meeting you was a piece of luck in that you'd be someone to look after his kids.

And what does he actually do with his children when he finally gets out so his pit? I doubt he's Dad of the Year is he?

Ditch him.

ButteringMyArse · 17/08/2021 12:14

@Steelesauce

Just me who stayed in bed until 9 with kids aged 3, 5 and 9 then 🤣 in my defence, they didn't get up themselves until 8.20 and I chucked ipads at them until I roused. We rarely have a day where we don't need to be up and I'm under a lot of work pressure right now so I needed the lie in. I made them breakfast when I got up. I think age 5 is fine to entertain themselves for an hour or 2. He does need to be up though now as they're getting bored.
Your setup sounds alright, probably because they were only by themselves for 40 minutes, evidently they were happy enough or you'd have known about it and you don't mention expecting a non-parent to pick up the slack while you slept in a bit.
WildfirePonie · 17/08/2021 12:18

Move out or kick him out.

Why should you be his unpaid babysitter?

WildfirePonie · 17/08/2021 12:21

Wonder what is his ex is up to today?

I bet she's laughing her ass off at you looking after her kids while her lazy ex stays in bed cause oh poor didums hates morning! Get the tiny violin out.

He is lazy! You're in for a great life with this one.

MilduraS · 17/08/2021 12:35

My parents used to let us entertain ourselves on the weekend and all we did was watch tv so I don't think he's being entirely unreasonable. The kids just need to know that if they want something they need to ask their dad. He'll either get up and sort it out or tell them to wait/sort it themselves. Either way it's not your problem.

funinthesun19 · 17/08/2021 12:44

Wonder what is his ex is up to today?

I bet she's laughing her ass off at you looking after her kids while her lazy ex stays in bed cause oh poor didums hates morning! Get the tiny violin out.

If she’s a decent person (and to be honest a decent mum too), then she won’t be laughing at OP at all and she will be full of sympathy for her, whilst considering whether contact with their father overnight is for the best.

sassbott · 17/08/2021 12:44
  1. tough shit if he’s not a morning person. He needs to get out of bed 30 minutes early so he can have his coffee/ wake up and not inflict his mood on everyone else. Sorry but this BS image is peddling out is utter rubbish. If he cannot pull his act together to be respectful to people he lives with, he should live alone. Everyone has crabby mornings, but to use that to consistently be rude/ short with your family? Unacceptable.
  2. He wants a holiday when his younger children are staying? Tough luck. I think we all would have loved leisurely lie ins on weekends/ holidays when our children were younger, unfortunately it does not come with the territory. He is being massively unreasonable if he thinks he can lie about in bed because he’s on holiday, when his kids are there. If this is the lifestyle he wanted, why did he have children?
  3. your second post seems to be a complete about face. Even though nearly all of the posters are unanimous in their view that he is a lazy arse.

I work hard, full on hours. I would love lazy lie ins on holiday and weekends. And once in a while, with young children is fine. Other than that, get up with your kids as they will be bored and absolutely hassling / engaging the other adult who happens to be around.

I cannot fathom how many men are so utterly useless and Use the women in their lives to essentially be an utterly lazy / entitled parent.

Goldbar · 17/08/2021 12:45

I bet she's laughing her ass off at you looking after her kids while her lazy ex stays in bed cause oh poor didums hates morning! Get the tiny violin out.

In her shoes, I'd be cross that he's now the only parent in the house and he still can't step up and do some parenting rather than neglecting the kids.

TheGumption · 17/08/2021 12:46

You don't get to just choose not to be a morning person if you have kids 🤣 what a dickhead.

Steelesauce · 17/08/2021 12:47

I'm a lone parent so no one to pick up slack for me. I work full time as a nurse/manager so we just make the best of the situation. I wouldn't tolerate what this lady is dealing with though, they are his kids and if they've been up for hours, it really is time to drag yourself up.

Goldbar · 17/08/2021 12:47

I cannot fathom how many men are so utterly useless and Use the women in their lives to essentially be an utterly lazy / entitled parent.

Why does no one even ask women if they're morning people or not? Because no one cares...they're expected to lump it (even for other people's kids, it seems Hmm).

sassbott · 17/08/2021 12:48

This is why so many divorced women are content to remain single/ not co-habit (the vast majority just crack on with it). This is also why the vast majority of men I know end up recoupling/ cohabiting far quicker than women do. Because they are desperate for someone other than them to parent/ raise/ do the grunt work with their kids.

OP, the kids bother you. Directly tell them to stop. You need to work. And to go to their dad and wake him. If they continue to bother you, lose yourself off in a child free zone and put them in the bedroom.

I’d have unequivocally told my partner in this situation to get up. Or I would simply fling the curtains open, lead the kids into the bedroom and tell them it’s time for him to get up/ them to hang out with their dad. Then let kids do what kids do best.

sassbott · 17/08/2021 12:51

@Goldbar because there is no choice. A baby/ toddler/ younger child doesn’t care. And it comes with the territory. Tough shit.

Honestly the amount of holiday threads running on these scenarios atm has me shaking my head in despair. Both because the men seem to think this is their entitlement (like the other one running that his children can come whenever they wish, even if he isn’t there) and the women seem to just put up with it and don’t rip these men a new one.

I’d have put a rocket up these men by now. No chance I’d tolerate this BS.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/08/2021 12:54

I can relate to this. My STBXP is crap in the morning and grumpy all the time before he wakes up. He also apparently gets more tired than most people and IMO handles stress really badly. That's one of the reasons why he's on his way out, despite having a 10 mo DS together.

Your partner is SO unreasonable it's insane that you have to ask OP. They're too young to be up alone, they deserve interaction from their parent and they're not your kids - that's before the fact you feel rough.

Lachimolala · 17/08/2021 13:00

I’m exactly like you DP in all honesty, and as a PP said I too used to have to be dragged out of bed on Christmas morning, birthdays, holidays etc.

That being said I am a parent myself to 3 DC the youngest of which gets up at 5/5.30am. I get up because I have to and it’s my job as a parent.

I’m sorry but he is absolutely being a lazy sod, it’s lazy parenting at best, I’d say slightly negligent also. Five yo is far too young to be left with also very young siblings for hours and hours in the morning.

EmbarrassingMama · 17/08/2021 13:07

WTAF? 9am?!

Mine were up and ready to build a lego spaceship at 6:30 this morning. What have they been doing for two hours?

He is a lazy, selfish git.

funinthesun19 · 17/08/2021 13:09

This is why so many divorced women are content to remain single/ not co-habit (the vast majority just crack on with it).

You’re right there! I’m single and just crack on with it from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. But I find life so much easier now doing everything, than I did when I was with a man-child and still doing everything.
My ex was and still isn’t a morning person either after staying up drinking and playing on games. It’s one of the major reasons our relationship ended.

I’ll never understand why men feel like they have choice to opt out of parenting when it doesn’t suit them. And it does sting even more for the woman he’s with when that woman isn’t even the mother of his children and she’s left to do all the parenting of them.

MeridianB · 17/08/2021 13:14

So the kids got up, entertained themselves and got their own food for a couple of hours and he still thinks it’s fine to stay in bed and ignore them?

Telling you to ignore them suggests that he really doesn’t understand children of that age or just can’t be bothered. They’re only little once. ☹️

So he’s completely unreasonable for not getting up, especially as he doesn’t see his children every day.

billy1966 · 17/08/2021 13:18

@sassbott

This is why so many divorced women are content to remain single/ not co-habit (the vast majority just crack on with it). This is also why the vast majority of men I know end up recoupling/ cohabiting far quicker than women do. Because they are desperate for someone other than them to parent/ raise/ do the grunt work with their kids.

OP, the kids bother you. Directly tell them to stop. You need to work. And to go to their dad and wake him. If they continue to bother you, lose yourself off in a child free zone and put them in the bedroom.

I’d have unequivocally told my partner in this situation to get up. Or I would simply fling the curtains open, lead the kids into the bedroom and tell them it’s time for him to get up/ them to hang out with their dad. Then let kids do what kids do best.

Bang on.

So what if the OP is childless.

Imagine wanting to be with someone who is so negligent around his children.

What beggars belief is so many of these women are dim enough to go on and have a child themselves and are actually surprised and wounded when they suddenly don't morph into a useful member of society, but remain the lazy wasters they first met.

Truly mind boggling.🤷‍♀️

sunflowerdaisies · 17/08/2021 13:23

I'm off today, my children are 5 and 7, they like to get their own breakfast and happily entertain themselves for a bit so isn't sued in bed until 9. Depends if they actually need you for anything while he's in bed in my opinion.

AmyDudley · 17/08/2021 13:26

Sounds like he thinks taking time off work was so he could laze about in bed, not so he could spend time with his children. You are working, he is off work and has his children staying - I'd have thought most normal people would have looked forward to their children staying for a longer than usual time and would have planned outings and activities for them.
What would he have done if you weren't their or weren't WFH ? Lain in bed all day while the kids fed and amused themselves ? He sounds like a waste of space.
I'd make him write a plan of what he intends o do with his children for the rest of their stay. Maybe breakfast out a few times - so the don't have to get their own breakfast. Plan some days out - long walks and take a picnic if you need to budget.

Why do these men have children when they haven't got the basic wherewithall to look after them properly ?

Dishwashersaurous · 17/08/2021 13:32

If you hate early mornings so much then don't have children.

Certainly don't have three children close in age.

Honestly I've become immune to lazy selfish men on mumsnet.com but this is ridiculous

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/08/2021 13:40

He’s sounds like a poor excuse of a father putting his wants before that of his children and ensuring that his children are supervised!