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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should get up with his kids?

134 replies

Julianne82xoxo · 17/08/2021 08:58

Reporting to you live from bed!

DP hates mornings. Hates them. Would happily stay in bed all morning if he could and is very grumpy for about half an hour to an hour after getting up most days. We have agreed to disagree on whether or not this is reasonable.

He has three kids from a previous relationship who are 5,7 and 8. They are here longer than the usual arrangement over the holidays and are staying for for ten days on this occasion. He is on holiday from work and I am still working. They are up and awake and have made themselves cereal. Currently playing and knocking/coming into the room clearly bored and looking for us to get up.

Yesterday I had my second jab and was feeling quite unwell last night so my manager told me not to rush into work today. I am now awake, bit groggy but generally in the position that I feel I need to get up for work, but know I will be bombarded with questions and all sorts from the kids who want company.

I think DP should get up, even though he hates mornings, so I can get ready and go to work without tripping over the kids. His argument would be that I can just ignore them if I want to, and that they're perfectly happy and able to entertain themselves until he's ready to get up. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MangosteenSoda · 17/08/2021 09:33

I actually think this is really outrageous. He’s not a full time parent as it is. He should be making the effort to get up and interact with his kids during school holidays, especially with a 5 year old in the mix.

If you have a baby with him, you know you will never get a lie in again. He’s very clearly showing you this. It’s not about being a morning person or otherwise (as we all have to do things we don’t enjoy in life), it’s about being a person who will not face up to his responsibilities because he is choosing not to.

Ourlady · 17/08/2021 09:36

He is a lazy git and you OP are as soft as shite.

Porcupineintherough · 17/08/2021 09:37

At 5, 7 and 8 I think it's fine for the kids to get up and get cereal when they are ready but by 8.30am or so your dh should be joining them- in body if not in spirit. Certainly he should be up by the time you start work.

I agree with a pp. He should set his alarm earlier and do the waking up slowly grumpily bit in bed if he's not the sort to leap up from the covers. It helps.

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 09:38

Fucks sake, another feckless "father" who can't be arsed to parent his kids so enlists a woman to do it who isn't their mother. 🙄

No, YA definitely NBU. He's a lazy twat.

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 09:38

@MiddleParking

You lose the option to be grumpy and not get up in the morning when you have three kids and a live in partner, especially one who isn’t their other parent. Honestly, where do these men get off?!

This!

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 09:39

"There are some real man haters on here this morning aren't there"

Nope. I love men. I can't stand lazy useless parents though, of either sex.

HollowTalk · 17/08/2021 09:39

If he wasn't living with you but had the kids to stay, what would he do? Just stay in bed and leave them to it?

If he has a problem with the mornings he needs to go to bed earlier. He sounds selfish and childish.

purpletrains · 17/08/2021 09:40

Lazy c* needs to get his arse up and parent his kids

Wtaf!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/08/2021 09:44

I'm an early riser so often up and about before any other adults. Sometimes their children will be awake. I ignore them and they seem happy playing by themselves.

OP posted live at 9am. A 5 year old will often have woken at something like 7, 7.30am. That means a 5 year old child has just been left unsupervised for as long as 2 hours (could be longer), has made and eaten their breakfast without an adult etc. That's poor parenting in my book.

To take this to an extreme example, children who are neglected often become very self sufficient/independent at taking care of themselves. It's not necessarily a good thing.

hennybeans · 17/08/2021 09:44

You realise as soon as you have a DC with him, it will you that gets up with the baby 7 days a week and takes care of the DSC as well "since you're already up".

He's already been a father for 8 years and hasn't managed to change, he won't for your baby either. You simply need to decide if this is ok with you or not. At least you don't have DC with him already.

DoormatBob · 17/08/2021 09:45

I would ask how he managed when they were babies but I think we already know the answer to that!

YouJustDoYou · 17/08/2021 09:48

Why'd he bother having children if he's not capable of even getting up for them in the morning and just fobs them off onto the resident convenient babysitter?

lastcall · 17/08/2021 09:50

So what if he's always been like this? What if you were both like this? You have children; they are the responsibility of both of you; you both have to do your share in the mornings.

Tell him sort himself out and set a better example for his children and pull his weight in the mornings.

NichyNoo · 17/08/2021 09:50

Bloody hell! I feel sorry for his ex who put up with this shit whilst having three babies!!! Did she have to do all the morning work???

Tinpotspectator · 17/08/2021 09:51

His wife got away, luckily for her. What about you, though?

Beamur · 17/08/2021 09:51

His attitude really sucks.
This is a wake up call for you - if you have kids with this man you'll be doing all the nights and all the mornings and frankly probably most of the time in-between too.
He is lazy.

Clymene · 17/08/2021 09:53

@lastcall

So what if he's always been like this? What if you were both like this? You have children; they are the responsibility of both of you; you both have to do your share in the mornings.

Tell him sort himself out and set a better example for his children and pull his weight in the mornings.

They aren't the OP's children.
nimbuscloud · 17/08/2021 09:53

You know he’s not a great dad. He’s grumpy, does not engage with them. You worry about them.
At least you can see what he is like as a father so you know if you have a baby with him that this will be your child’s future too.

SprayedWithDettol · 17/08/2021 09:55

His morning grumpiness is a choice. Stop pandering to it.

I would tell the children to go in and jump on him. That’ll get him up.

Snoken · 17/08/2021 09:55

Jesus, that is some lazy parenting! I could never put up with that. With 3 small kids you can't stay in bed until 9am. Most of us enjoyed doing that before we had children, but then once kids were there you can't put yourself first anymore. He really needs to start parenting his kids at all times when they are with him and not asleep. There is just no other option once you have put those little humans on this planet.

femfemlicious · 17/08/2021 09:55

I agree with PP. If you decide to have kids with him have it in mind that you will always have to get up with them because you already know " he doesnt like mornings"Grin

Winemewhynot · 17/08/2021 09:57

It’s 9am not 6am, lazy fecker!

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2021 10:01

Wonder why first marriage ended?

ButteringMyArse · 17/08/2021 10:06

@Porcupineintherough

At 5, 7 and 8 I think it's fine for the kids to get up and get cereal when they are ready but by 8.30am or so your dh should be joining them- in body if not in spirit. Certainly he should be up by the time you start work.

I agree with a pp. He should set his alarm earlier and do the waking up slowly grumpily bit in bed if he's not the sort to leap up from the covers. It helps.

Yes, exactly. I think some people are missing that the kids have already been on their own a while and got their own breakfast.

I also think it's ok for the parent/s to sleep in for a bit while children of this age entertain themselves and grab an easy breakfast, it isn't like with toddlers where you have to get up at the crack of dawn if they do. So if they were up at 7am mithering, it would be reasonable for him to tell them to go and play downstairs for an hour while he has a doze. They can be trusted at that age not to trash the place or do themselves significant harm unsupervised. But by 9am, when the kids clearly aren't willing to be self-sufficient any longer, he needs to be out of bed.

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 10:12

You have children; they are the responsibility of both of you; you both have to do your share in the mornings.

Erm. Not when they're someone else's kids you don't!