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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to break the best mate code ?

118 replies

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 01:32

I really need some opinions as have had to keep this secret in RL and o think I need perspective -;will try to be brief !
Had a on/off casual relationship from when I was 18 to 26 and we had an unplanned ,but much loved son who is now 18. No hard feelings , good friendship to base smooth co- parenting on , all good. I had a horrid marriage of 13 years in between that I have been out of for over a year. DH dad been very supportive , friendship resumed how it had been and he is a complete rock and someone I consider 100% trustworthy and am very happy and lucky to have in my life.
He has a best friend that he has had for about five years or so , previously I had only briefly met him once. When they were both on a drunken night out. Few months ago , DH 's dad ( I don't really see him as an ex partner tbh) I must have come up in conversation , and he gave his best mate my number and said why don't you take her out ? So he messaged me a few times , we agreed to go out in a date.
Ds dad was not happy when o mentioned it in conversation and was very much that no he would not like that it made him uncomfortable and it was breaking the mates ' code. So i duly cancelled the date , but as I thought about it I felt a bit resentful as I really got on well with this bloke and I thought it might be fun. We sort of tried to stop texting but unsuccessfully. Fast forward four months and we have been chatting and really really want to go out properly and see whee it goes but we both feel more than a bit conficted as DSdad has expressly said it would not be a good idea.
So I suppose my AIBU is , AIBU to still go out with this man even though it feels like we have to do it in secret ? We are both single , consenting adults. Or would it be too much of a risk for an old friendship to take ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 01:33

Sorry for the typos - it's late and I can't sleep !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 01:35

YABU - you should not go out with him it is breaking the rules
YANBU - it doesn't really count - we should be free to date as it was a very very long time ago .

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 17/08/2021 02:13

I'm a bit confused. Just to clarify, was it your friend that gave him your number and said "take her out"? If it was, why is he now all upset about it?

Returnoftheowl · 17/08/2021 02:15

I might be confused here, but your son's dad gave his best friend your number, told him to invite you on a date and then is sore about the fact you wanted to go on the date?
Or have I misunderstood this?

Saoirse82 · 17/08/2021 02:21

I'm confused too

blueberrywaffle · 17/08/2021 02:41

@Returnoftheowl

I might be confused here, but your son's dad gave his best friend your number, told him to invite you on a date and then is sore about the fact you wanted to go on the date? Or have I misunderstood this?
This ^^
Greygreenblue · 17/08/2021 03:13

Ignoring the confusing part about how he got your number PP have asked about. If it were me I would want a better reason from my sons dad as to why. Is his friend a notorious womaniser or is your sons dad actually still carrying a candle for you?

burritofan · 17/08/2021 03:21

Wait, is “DH’s dad” a typo for “DS’s dad”, ie your ex-partner, so the best friend of your ex-partner. In which case I’m confused why he handed over your number but also doesn’t want you dating him.

Or is “DH’s dad” shorthand for “ex-partner’s dad” and you’re dating your ex’s dad’s best friend? I could say dating your ex’s dad would be whiffy, but ex’s dad’s best friend is fine, albeit a bit odd.

Eekay · 17/08/2021 03:27

It's not your ex's business, unless he knows this fella to be some abusive bastard.
You're not a possession belonging to him - or anyone - so he has no rights over you.
I could understand him being a bit blindsided if you'd only just broken up, but your relationship is way back in the mists of time!
Even then he still has no right to pressurise you or warn the new guy off.

messybun101 · 17/08/2021 03:59

The 'best mate code' refers to the lad code for men
You can't break it. The friend of your ex-P (father to your son) is the one the rule is against, not you.
Was it told to you that you would be the one breaking code if the date went ahead?

unidentifed · 17/08/2021 04:01

This reply has been deleted

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theThreeofWeevils · 17/08/2021 04:33

@unidentifed

You were in a "casual" relationship with the father of your child? YABU for even saying that. Couldn't be bothered to read past that.
A wise and useful contribution. Very constructive.
ThorsLeftNut · 17/08/2021 04:40

Please clarify because that’s confusing.

FWIW I don’t think there’s an issue there but it sounds like your ex may be a little jealous seeing you and his friend together

frazzledasarock · 17/08/2021 04:47

Your DS’s dad gave his best friend your number and told him to take you out.

And now is annoyed you want to go out with the best friend.

Go out with him it’s non of your DS’s dads business.

redtshirt50 · 17/08/2021 05:11

'breaking friend code' isn't a good reason for him to stop you doing this, and I can't see how it is breaking friend code really.

Most people would be happy if two of their friends got together and made each other happy.

My guess is he's worried it'll change the dynamics of the friendships and he'll be pushed out or third wheeling all the time.

So maybe reassure him that's not the case?

I would go on the date and see how it goes. Sounds like you get along well!

SalsaLove · 17/08/2021 05:27

I would move on. There’s lots of other fish in the sea and your friend is uncomfortable.

Whyo · 17/08/2021 05:32

Assuming that DH dad is DS dad - you’re both adults and it’s up to you what you do. I might have been more wary about rocking the boat if your son was younger but he’s 18 and your “co-parenting” is a different game now.

You sound like you have a brilliant relationship with your ex and that’s amazing. I would let him know that you intend to go on a date with his friend (tell him, don’t ask him) but note you understand his concerns. Not unreasonable at all for you to do, just don’t feel like you have to sneak around no one will enjoy it particularly your ex who will feel really disrespected by the lies.

Eviethyme · 17/08/2021 06:05

Actually I do think yabu.

I would never date the friend of my kids dad....

What if you beak up badly then it will affect his friendship for sure.

There is plenty of men out there, you don't need to take his friend away and change the dynamic

MyOtherProfile · 17/08/2021 06:11

Sounds like your friend is scared of losing you. Worth checking out it's not because he knows bad stuff about his mate though. Except it would be weird if be did and still gave him your number.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:21

Morning all - apologies for the lack of clarity - but thank you so so much for your thoughts. Yes it was a typo - DS dad is the one who gave my number to his best mate .I have a great friendship with him - we did when we were younger , and we have parented a child and we are still good. I don't think he carries a candle for me after all these years , perhaps vague hopes of sex who knows . We are older now , and I love and value him beause he is the father of my son and a fantastic one at that but I do not look at him romantically at all . ( Life would be very straightforward if that was the case !) . I tried to talk to him as to why I could not go out with his friend originally and he said that he knows how the guy feels about women ...whatever that means. I did say that I appreciate that perhaps he didn't think it was a good idea bearing in mind the marriage I have left , but I an a grown woman and would like to judge for myself .
To the people who say that there are plenty of fish in the sea - yes there are of course but this guy really really makes me laugh and there is real chemistry which can be quite rare in my limited experience. Of course he may be saying all the right things etc but I am going in completely eyes wide open , and prepared to risk that .

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 06:26

It's not on you, really, is it.

The "mate's code" is between DS's dad and his mate.

If I'm understanding correctly (yes, your use of "DH's dad" did muddy the waters) then DS's dad gave his mate your number and told him to take you out, so why the fuck is he giving you grief about it now? Has he had second thoughts?

I think you really need to have an open and frank conversation with your DS's dad, find out what his objection is and why his feelings have changed now - and let him know that you and the friend would really like to go out. I don't think you should do it in secret at all - I think that's more likely to stir up trouble.
The bloke here should also have a chat with DS's dad for the same reason.

I hope he can be brought to see reason - it's unreasonable of him to keep you from what could be a potentially great relationship for no good reason other than "mate's code".

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:28

I understand what is being said - generally the feeling is IANBU but I should attempt to perhaps tell him and not keep it a secret - that is the bit i am struggling with as I am not naturally a deceptive person . I don't want to disrupt their good friendship - bymaking him feel like be the third wheel , or disrupt our friendship because he means a lot to me too. But I do feel he is a little bit judgy , and I have spent a long time being married to a controlling man so I am rather resistant to feeling I am being told what to do. So I am kicking back a bit. The friend is not an abusive arsehole for sure , but maybe I should open the discussion with DSdad again .... Thank you everyone - fantastic advice and thoughts thank you Flowers

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 06:29

Oops, took me so long to type that, I crossposted with you.

If your DS's dad knows that his mate is a philandering bastard who just uses women, then why the fuck would he give him your phone number in the first place? If he wanted to protect you from him, he should never have done that. But it is possible that he did it in a moment without thinking, and on reflection, realised that this bloke could end up hurting you.

Are there any 3rd friends you could ask about potential bloke? See if he really is a not-ideal partner?

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 06:32

Any mate code is for the mate to worry about

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:35

ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you that's a great balanced reply . Thank youx
Just as an aside ;
(You were in a "casual" relationship with the father of your child? YABU for even saying that. Couldn't be bothered to read past that.)
No idea why that offends you so much !i live in a small town ,where everyone knows everyone , and it was the 90s Grin we just got caught out . It actually in the end was a really good coparenting arrangement because there was no bitter recriminations or divorce to negotiate
parenting through . Much easier and more of a team effort than so far has been with. STBEXH . DS knows we do and have always got on so accepts this as completely normal for him .

OP posts: