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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to break the best mate code ?

118 replies

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 01:32

I really need some opinions as have had to keep this secret in RL and o think I need perspective -;will try to be brief !
Had a on/off casual relationship from when I was 18 to 26 and we had an unplanned ,but much loved son who is now 18. No hard feelings , good friendship to base smooth co- parenting on , all good. I had a horrid marriage of 13 years in between that I have been out of for over a year. DH dad been very supportive , friendship resumed how it had been and he is a complete rock and someone I consider 100% trustworthy and am very happy and lucky to have in my life.
He has a best friend that he has had for about five years or so , previously I had only briefly met him once. When they were both on a drunken night out. Few months ago , DH 's dad ( I don't really see him as an ex partner tbh) I must have come up in conversation , and he gave his best mate my number and said why don't you take her out ? So he messaged me a few times , we agreed to go out in a date.
Ds dad was not happy when o mentioned it in conversation and was very much that no he would not like that it made him uncomfortable and it was breaking the mates ' code. So i duly cancelled the date , but as I thought about it I felt a bit resentful as I really got on well with this bloke and I thought it might be fun. We sort of tried to stop texting but unsuccessfully. Fast forward four months and we have been chatting and really really want to go out properly and see whee it goes but we both feel more than a bit conficted as DSdad has expressly said it would not be a good idea.
So I suppose my AIBU is , AIBU to still go out with this man even though it feels like we have to do it in secret ? We are both single , consenting adults. Or would it be too much of a risk for an old friendship to take ?

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 17/08/2021 06:36

If you like this guy and he wants to give it a go with you, I’d say go for it. DS dad may just have to get his head round it a bit.

Whinginadeville · 17/08/2021 06:37

I wouldn't. There's plenty of men out there why risk a great relationship with your sons dad

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:40

Good point thumb witches - I could perhaps see if I can find anything out . I am leaning towards honesty being the best policy though - I think DSdad is not being clear why - perhaps he gave him my number then regretted it ? Perhaps he doesn't want to be disloyal to his friend and is already feeling the conflict of loyalties which would make good sense.
Cabbagesgreen - yes this mysterious 'mate' code . Friend is worried about it and it is making him feel guilty too - another discussion needs to be had and maybe as the big chicken I am , it should come from the friend . Lots to think about !

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 06:40

It sounds like ds dad, doesn't thi k this would be a great relationship though.

I am in the fence. Because he handed your number over, but I assume he has thought about it later or his friend has made some sort of comment that's made ds dad think twice.

But also, if a friend I had known for years, loved and trusted said this person wasn't great in relationships I would listen. But also if I had such a trusted a friend, I wouldn't do anything to make them uncomfortable.

You are a grown adult and definitely make this decision for yourself. Just make it really thinking about it, the possible fallout from it.

You tall as though you aren't making a choice to text this man not 'We sort of tried to stop texting but unsuccessfully.'

As above you are an adult. You can make these decisions for yourself, including, wether you text him or not. Just be aware it could cause some issues wether it turns our to be a great relationship or not.

I can see both sides. My dp is my best friends brother. She was the first person I spoke to. I can genuinely, say I would have walked away if she wasn't happy. Me and her are close and been there for eachother through devastating events, the best events. If me and dp broke up, she would cut him off before she cut me off.

Billandben444 · 17/08/2021 06:40

If DS's dad feels strongly that you shouldn't date this bloke (the reasons are immaterial) then you'd need to weigh up whether it's worth losing his respect and friendship over what could be a fling. He's made it quite clear where he stands on this and you have a choice to make but I wouldn't lie about it as you will get found out.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:42

06:37Whinginadeville- you say that , but I'm my small town there really aren't Grin and I really like this bloke. But you are right , it may be more hassle / disruptive as you say. 06:36UnsuitableHat yes that was my thinking either that , or just go out with him and test the water to see if it's worth all this - I sense it is really good , but who knowsm wish I had a Crystal ball !

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:49

40Hekatestorch thank you . Yes I am an adult making decisions you are absolutely right . The dynamic between your best friend and you is very interesting to me and I am glad it all worked out; I suspect because you DP is obviously a keeper ! I dont think this guy is , but he has potential , and I have been on my own for a while now and feel ready to try .but you are right , I have to make that decision knowing that there will likely be consequences.
Billandben444 that is completely it in a nutshell. 100% . Maybe the reasons are immaterial really - I value my friendship above everything else and I don't want to sneak around - I already feel guilty enough Confused

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 06:50

I suspect because you DP is obviously a keeper

Some days Grin

Iggly · 17/08/2021 06:51

@unidentifed

You were in a "casual" relationship with the father of your child? YABU for even saying that. Couldn't be bothered to read past that.
How is that helping
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:52

Ok , I think I am going to try and have an adult discussion with DS dad again , and try to understand where he is coming from . But by even opening the discussion again , I risk losing his respect to some degree too. He knows I have been on a few distastrous dates recently, so am pretty sure it's not about holding a candle . He was pretty clear on this , so maybe I will try again to talk to him , or ask his friend to .

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:53

06:51Iggly I thought that too ! Hmm but we live in a small town , we always got on , had a laugh and occasionally slept together ; it was the 90s ...we just got caught Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:53

50Hekatestorch lol fair enough Grin

OP posts:
stayathomer · 17/08/2021 06:54

I can totally see why it'd be weird for him, imagine you properly get together and them him and his friend are dealing with parenting side by side. Even before that I once had 2 lots of friends living together so they'd be going places without me etc or if they were fighting I was in the middle (not necessarily put there but inevitably they'd be talking to me about the other etc) but you sound si close so maybe it's just going to be something you both have to battle through. If you are as close to ds' dad I'd say tell him now and argue it out, because it will be 10 times more complicated when it gets more serious

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:58

Yes that's fair enough I think - But DS is grown adult now so parenting not such an issue . But it is interesting how you said you felt when two friends were together and you invevitably got stuck in the middle . Thank you that's a very valid point of view. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 06:59

And you are right - it would be less complex to get it out now - I think that is what is sitting on my mind. And that is what I posted the thread for as it is obviously NOT sitting right at all x

OP posts:
Aprilx · 17/08/2021 06:59

I still don’t understand. So it was DS’s dad not DH’s dad that passed on your number but also DS’s dad that is angry and does not want you to go out with the person he gave y our number to. Makes no sense. Confused

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 07:00

Sorry April - it's DSdad that passed my number to his best mate. The dynamic is between us three xx sorry for confusion x

OP posts:
PluggingAway · 17/08/2021 07:02

Just do it.

You were never properly together and even if you were, he isn't allowed to police who you go out with. Also your son is 18. The co-parenting thing is going to require less and less contact between you and his dad from now. Your DS might well move out in the next couple of years and it will matter even less.

ThinWomansBrain · 17/08/2021 07:04

he knows how the guy feels about women
You need to understand more about that - if your ex is aware the guy has been abusive towards partners in the past - you need to know, and probably avoid. If it's the way guy speaks about women when they're out drinking, or a particular relationship that didn't work out in the past - helpful to know and for you to make your own decisions.
If ex is such a good friend, he should discuss his concerns with you more openly, not just expect you to end (or keep secret) new relationships just because he says so.

Diverseopinions · 17/08/2021 07:06

You only know DS mate from chatting and joking around. I think you're putting confidence in him being a good person and good for you.

There could well be a reason for your son's dad warning you off. I would have thought friend's name would have come up in conversation between you and dad's dad - over the years - so cast your mind back to what he has said about him in the past. Try to build up a picture of him beyond the banter. Is he a Jack the lad? Does he have his own complex on/off relationships?

Now that your son is an adult, he will be likely to be forming firmer opinions himself; to be more likely to relate to the world of his dad; the adult interactions and goings on in your small town. What he thinks, and whether he takes your dad's view, might also become an issue - making things a bit messy.
If this guy is a womaniser, your friend might be looking out for you. Taking somebody out for a drink and a laugh, if you were feeling down at the time, is different to encouraging them to form a relationship. The friend might have someone else he is interested in, and 'friend code' in terms of loyalty, means ds dad feels he can't come out and say this.

I can imagine ds dad could envisage a time when he and your son, are in the pub, and his friend comes over, and recently , his friend has been involved with you, messed you about, even two-timed you, and it all will be awkward.

Best to heed the warning and avoid and avoid this man. Doing things in secret won't be thought well of - particularly not by your son.

ThinWomansBrain · 17/08/2021 07:07

can you do that police "right to ask" thing on new partner to find out if he has been abusive or controlling in the past?

Beefcurtains79 · 17/08/2021 07:14

If he had to stand by and watch his son being brought up in a house with you in an abusive relationship, maybe he just really wants you to be careful this time?

stayathomer · 17/08/2021 07:19

Thank you that's a very valid point of view. Xx

Best of luck with it all opBrewCakeFlowers

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 17/08/2021 07:21

This makes no sense. Did you ask him WHY he gave your number to his friend so he could ask you out? He gives him the number then gets upset when you guys do what he suggested? Why?

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 07:22

07:14Beefcurtains79 that is also a very good point and spot on accurate. He was there offering support not judgement when I decided to leave - and that is part of the reason his friendship is more important than anything and I don't want him to feel deceived.

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