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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to break the best mate code ?

118 replies

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 01:32

I really need some opinions as have had to keep this secret in RL and o think I need perspective -;will try to be brief !
Had a on/off casual relationship from when I was 18 to 26 and we had an unplanned ,but much loved son who is now 18. No hard feelings , good friendship to base smooth co- parenting on , all good. I had a horrid marriage of 13 years in between that I have been out of for over a year. DH dad been very supportive , friendship resumed how it had been and he is a complete rock and someone I consider 100% trustworthy and am very happy and lucky to have in my life.
He has a best friend that he has had for about five years or so , previously I had only briefly met him once. When they were both on a drunken night out. Few months ago , DH 's dad ( I don't really see him as an ex partner tbh) I must have come up in conversation , and he gave his best mate my number and said why don't you take her out ? So he messaged me a few times , we agreed to go out in a date.
Ds dad was not happy when o mentioned it in conversation and was very much that no he would not like that it made him uncomfortable and it was breaking the mates ' code. So i duly cancelled the date , but as I thought about it I felt a bit resentful as I really got on well with this bloke and I thought it might be fun. We sort of tried to stop texting but unsuccessfully. Fast forward four months and we have been chatting and really really want to go out properly and see whee it goes but we both feel more than a bit conficted as DSdad has expressly said it would not be a good idea.
So I suppose my AIBU is , AIBU to still go out with this man even though it feels like we have to do it in secret ? We are both single , consenting adults. Or would it be too much of a risk for an old friendship to take ?

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Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 07:25

He said he was drunk and can't be held accountable for what he did after 11 pints xHmm

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Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 07:27

07:04ThinWomansBrain and 06Diverseopinions its a good point - at this stage I can't think of anything That sticks out from memory - he is know as a sort of cheeky charming Chappie but no history of abything bad - but blokes talk different ly when they are with their mates so who knows ?

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Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 07:37

Aaagh am completely torn more now with these extra thoughts I didn't have ! That is why I came on here as I can't really talk to anyone in RL but now I feel very jittery about it all xx thank you for giving me more perspectives / outcomes to think about everyone xxFlowers

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MoiraRose4 · 17/08/2021 07:44

I don’t understand why he gave your number to his friend and suggested he take you out, and then is kicking off about you going out. Makes no sense at all.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 07:48

I know x me neither . But I am getting very close to giving up on it- it would be disappointing in the short term but I think for the best as it's just not worth the risk Confused

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robotcollision · 17/08/2021 07:48

I'm confused. You are a single adult, so you can go out with whoever you want. But in your position I might dig a bit deeper and find out what your DS's dad means by his friend's attitude to women.

dottydodah · 17/08/2021 07:53

Well no one can stop you meeting this chap can they? Its not 1900 and Dad isnt happy! Maybe your ex thinks hes a bit of a player ,or is it worse that he has a bad attitude towards women? Either way just go out and see how you get on surely .

Eddielzzard · 17/08/2021 07:53

Well a frank and open conversation needs to be had with DS's dad. It's not good enough to give out your number and then have a fit when his friend calls you. He's got to explain a bit better than 'mate's code'.

Desmondo2021 · 17/08/2021 07:57

Just do what you want to do and what feels right to you? Why on earth would you be considering, as a single woman, dating someone and keeping it a secret because your best friend may not like it. You're massively over thinking it.

You painted friend up to be this excellent reliable character so now's his chance to be that reasonable, supportive person else he isn't really quite how you described!

TillyTopper · 17/08/2021 08:06

Personally I wouldn't date him. It probably won't work out (on odds), it seems just some fun for you. You risk losing the good parenting relationship with DS's Dad which would cause far more hassle and the guy is probably not worth it.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 08:09

Good points - all of them . I am , of course , free to do what I want, I know that. Part of my marriage legacy is a terribly bad indecisivness , which can be infuriating for those around me. I know in my heart DSdad must have said it for a reason and that is what matters - Eddielzzard that is exactly what needs to happen I think

Desmondo2021- I am hoping that it is as simple as that it just makes him a bit ick and wary if it goes wrong it will make him uncomfortable in the future . I am going to talk to him today I think to stop all this overthinking !

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Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 08:10

Tillytopper - I swing between this and what Dottydoodah says. I am swingwing wildly front one end to the other and getting no closer to a decision Hmm

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2Rebecca · 17/08/2021 08:22

I find it odd that you seem so dependent on your ex's opinion. Is your close friendship with him and your desire for his approval stopping you moving on? Also so what if your relationship with this bloke doesn't work out. Your relationship with your ex didn't work out and you survived. He sounds quite controlling "take her out" " stop taking her out".
Your son is 18 so won't your ex occupy a smaller place in your life now, especially if you want another relationship. The best mate thing is for the blokes to sort out

overthethamesfromyou · 17/08/2021 08:29

It will completely change the dynamic between you and DS's dad and also between him and his best mate. Someone will lose out in this triangle, if not all of you, so I would leave well alone.

NewlyGranny · 17/08/2021 08:34

YABU to think there is a "code" in this situation. Does your ex believe he's scent-marked you for life or what?!

Unless he can tell you some valid, substantiated reason why you should not date this man - he's a registered sex-offender, paedophile, loan-shark - you should go ahead as openly as you would with any other intriguing man you met who asked you out.

And if this man is any of the things listed above, why is your ex friendly with him?

If he wants to be in a fully committed, permanent relationship with you (not just co-parenting) he could ask you how you felt about that, and accept your answer. If he doesn't, he has nothing to say about who you date or form a relationship with. Single mothers don't have to stay celibate for life, and your "child" is an adult now anyway!

There is no reason for you to hesitate on your ex's behalf; there is no mates' code except in the weird minds of controlling men; there is no reason for secrecy; your ex has no right to interrogate you about any relationship you may form.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 08:34

See this is what I mean - 2rebecca you are right , and dsdad s opinion matters to me , he finds my terrible(lighthearted ) dating stories entertaining. But I suspect this is too close to home for him for the potential future issues . And overthethamesfromyou is also right - it would change dynamics whether I want it to or not ... And rightly or wrongly , that needs to be considered.

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Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 08:38

Thank you newlygranny x what a great answer thank you x to be clear I have no romantic feelings toward DSdad at all - I love him and value his friendship in my life but irrespective of how he feels or doesn't I do not intend at any point to start up a relationship with him . O instinctively agree with your logic and that is why initially I agreed to stop ( conditioned to do as told ) but then grew a bit resentful .

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NewlyGranny · 17/08/2021 08:38

And OP? I wouldn't ask the opinion of someone who drank 11 pints on what colour teatowels to buy, not even when they were stone cold sober.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 08:40

Haha that's fair enough x in his defence he is 6'5 and it takes a lot ! Xx but yes I understand xxx thank you ! Xx

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FoxgloveSummers · 17/08/2021 08:40

I had a friend say this to me once about his best friend, luckily I didn’t want anything serious with the guy anyway, but what he meant was he’s a perennial shagger and always cheats on his GF.

I suspect that rather than seeking a long term thing, actually you just fancy this guy and wouldn’t mind some fun sex and nothing serious, but in a small town where he’s already connected to you that’s not necessarily going to be easy! Realistically this isn’t about the man code (which is a ridiculous concept anyway!! Especially in small communities where everyone you date will already know everyone else), it seems to be about your son’s dad worrying about more fuckery in your lives. Men are often able to be friends with some really twat men and it may be only the prospect of you and his son getting caught up in his behaviour that is making him think clearly about it. He’s clearly a friendly listening ear to your current dating stories after all.

Alternatively he could be being a dog in the manger and lying. Does he usually lie?

EishetChayil · 17/08/2021 08:41

I didn't understand a word of this. Could you rewrite it so it actually makes sense?

FoxgloveSummers · 17/08/2021 08:44

@EishetChayil we’ve all managed, you’re being a bit rude

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/08/2021 08:45

Why would it make things awkward with your friend if you split? I can only see that happening if you tried to involve him in arguments or you had a mutual friendship group (and people had to decide who to invite to events for example or if they invited both of you there was an atmosphere etc).

If you never socialise together then it's fine. You might need to come up with some rules though like both of you agree to never talk about your relationship with your friend and never involve him in arguments etc

NewlyGranny · 17/08/2021 08:47

You could just tell the ex you've been thinking for yourself and you have decided to retract your agreement not to date this man and you're going to take dating and relationship decisions for yourself in future. Make sure he knows you won't be entertaining him with stories from your dates with his mate, too.

Original poster
Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 08:49

Foxglovesummers - no he is absolutely not a liar in anyway I trust his honesty implicitly . He really is the best kind of bloke - which I assume is , whilst he loves his best mate , why he is conflicted ? And yes you are right , I am a woman I ideally just want some fun for myself with someone who makes me laugh is all - likely not a long term thing . Can I ask What happened in the end with your situation ? Xx

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