Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to break the best mate code ?

118 replies

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 01:32

I really need some opinions as have had to keep this secret in RL and o think I need perspective -;will try to be brief !
Had a on/off casual relationship from when I was 18 to 26 and we had an unplanned ,but much loved son who is now 18. No hard feelings , good friendship to base smooth co- parenting on , all good. I had a horrid marriage of 13 years in between that I have been out of for over a year. DH dad been very supportive , friendship resumed how it had been and he is a complete rock and someone I consider 100% trustworthy and am very happy and lucky to have in my life.
He has a best friend that he has had for about five years or so , previously I had only briefly met him once. When they were both on a drunken night out. Few months ago , DH 's dad ( I don't really see him as an ex partner tbh) I must have come up in conversation , and he gave his best mate my number and said why don't you take her out ? So he messaged me a few times , we agreed to go out in a date.
Ds dad was not happy when o mentioned it in conversation and was very much that no he would not like that it made him uncomfortable and it was breaking the mates ' code. So i duly cancelled the date , but as I thought about it I felt a bit resentful as I really got on well with this bloke and I thought it might be fun. We sort of tried to stop texting but unsuccessfully. Fast forward four months and we have been chatting and really really want to go out properly and see whee it goes but we both feel more than a bit conficted as DSdad has expressly said it would not be a good idea.
So I suppose my AIBU is , AIBU to still go out with this man even though it feels like we have to do it in secret ? We are both single , consenting adults. Or would it be too much of a risk for an old friendship to take ?

OP posts:

godmum56 · 17/08/2021 08:53

I am confused....is his reason the mates code or is it because he knows his mate treats women badly?

helpwithncmum · 17/08/2021 08:55

Honestly if you have had a really good relationship with your ex and he has suddenly changed his mind I would assume he knows something you don't and be likely to trust him.

He may have info he's not able to share or he may be getting vibes. Or maybe he's realised what a bad position he's put himself in if you date the friend then split up. It could become problematic.

You can do whatever you want obviously but I'd be inclined to trust my friend your friend being the ex.

FoxgloveSummers · 17/08/2021 09:06

@Butterfingers1977

Foxglovesummers - no he is absolutely not a liar in anyway I trust his honesty implicitly . He really is the best kind of bloke - which I assume is , whilst he loves his best mate , why he is conflicted ? And yes you are right , I am a woman I ideally just want some fun for myself with someone who makes me laugh is all - likely not a long term thing . Can I ask What happened in the end with your situation ? Xx

It was much less complicated and no kids involved, being young and single I just had a ONS and then forgot about him

but - like I said - that was less complicated. I wouldn’t really recommend that for you unless pre agreed between you and this man. Do you think you could handle that sort of thing at the moment or would you need something more supportive after your rocky marriage etc? If he has a rep for Jack the lad etc and your friend has said this, I’d be assuming he’s a walking bundle of lies and stds tbh and acting accordingly. If it’s fun you’re after, maybe online dating is a better option. Or getting out and meeting someone else. I’d probably stay clear in this case tbh, not worth it for a shag. If you thought he was the love of your life etc that’d be different.

cravingthelook · 17/08/2021 09:14

On your question OP just tread lightly and don't get mixed up in this there are things you probably don't know.

On the fact that you were in a casual relationship and a child resulted from that and you both stepped up and had a amicable co-parenting relationship right throughout your sons childhood (and I'm assuming this will continue) - that's awesome and a great example of dealing with unplanned parenthood.
Piss off to pp and anyone who thinks otherwise.

greenlynx · 17/08/2021 09:28

A few things are coming to mind. You’ve told that you don’t want a relationship with your DS’s dad, you are just friends but I’m still suspicious about his feelings on this subject. He might want sort of “to keep you for himself”. Yes, it’s complicated when you are dating between friends but only if you fill them up with details or if things go ugly. If you just go out a few times and then decide that you are not suitable, what’s the problem? if this bloke is bad, you will see it.
By the way you could meet him anywhere in a small town and get together without your ex being involved.
I would also suspicious what this man knows about you because clearly your DS’s dad was chatting with him about you, maybe too much and now it might go out hence he’s worried.

AlbertBridge · 17/08/2021 09:31

I am a woman I ideally just want some fun for myself with someone who makes me laugh is all

This sentence scares me! I think what you need now is someone kind, caring, reliable and loving. NOT just funny and "cheeky".

A PP is so right - men can be mates with TOTAL twatbadgers. Honestly I think your DS's Dad is just trying to stop you being yet another notch on his cheeky mate's bedpost, and to save you from pain.

If this "cheeky" bloke is so keen to date you, let him prove it. Let him be the one to prove he's genuine. Let HIM be the one to convince DS Dad he can be trusted because he really really likes you.

I'd heed the warning and keep cheeky chops at a distance until he's actually made more efforts than just some funny texts.

You sound so so lovely. I'm scared you'll get hurt. And getting hurt is awful, not to be risked lightly.

NewlyGranny · 17/08/2021 09:35

Good grief, OP's ex is her DS's dad, not hers! Why does an ex get to be gatekeeper for her dating life?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 10:59

It's reasonably obvious that the OP's DS's dad hasn't been gatekeeping other dates she's had, only this guy.

For this reason, it's worth listening to him a bit more, to find out what is going on behind the scenes.

CrazyNeighbour · 17/08/2021 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2Rebecca · 17/08/2021 11:15

If he's that awful to women though why would he give his friend the OP's number and actively encourage him to take her out? I can't imagine giving my exhusband's details to a female friend for them to go out together unless I was happy with the idea that they may get on well together and continue to see each other.
The OP's ex being concerned his friend may treat the OP badly in some vague unknown way is rather sexist and patronising. The OP is just a poor little woman that nasty men may do bad things to and she has no power or agency herself in the relationship.

Blossomtoes · 17/08/2021 11:16

@Whinginadeville

I wouldn't. There's plenty of men out there why risk a great relationship with your sons dad

There’s an absolute dearth of decent men as far as I can see. And the son’s 18, the need for a successful coparenting relationship is drawing to an end, the child is now an adult.

I also fail to understand why someone would pass your number on to someone they disapproved of @Butterfingers1977. It seems a very strange thing to do. Anyway, you’re a grown woman and should do whatever’s best for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/08/2021 11:31

So he gave you his friends number but now doesn't want you to go out with him? It's the same guy who did both those things? wtf? He can't get you two in contact with each other and then say actually no sorry you can't see each other when you decide you like each other

Original poster

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 11:41

Ayrastarkwolf - exactly that . Blossomtoes - all true , I just didn't want to jeoperdise his relationship with our son too - if he really gets the hump ( not very often ) it's forever and unforgiving and I wouldn't want DS to cop that. That would be absolute worst case scenario of course , but it is on my radar.

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 11:42

2Rebecca yes that's exactly why , after I had thought about it for a bit , I got a bit cross and resentful !

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 11:45

Thumbwitches - that's the stickler . He listens to my amusing anecdotes about dates and rolls his eyes and says 'i don't know why you bother ' type thing but has never - and has had every opportunity to say - that he holds a candle for me . So logically , it must be to do with the friend . But if I try to talk to him / find out what it is , I risk him reiterating the point again and then I wull feel even more deceptive iyswim . Dammed if I do or don't

OP posts:

MyneAllMyne · 17/08/2021 11:58

I understood your post OP, that DS's dad got pissed with his mate, conversation turned to you and he ended up suggesting his mate could take you out. Most of us are guilty of having great ideas when pissed that turned out to be bad ideas when sober (I've woken up next to a few of my bad ideas ;-))

Your DS's dad knows his BF better than anyone, so he will know if he is someone who shags around and gets bored, or is controlling, or is kinky, or whatever... My guess is that he really does think you'll end up getting hurt, and/or he might not be comfortable with the thought of his BF being a bigger presence in your DS life (however old DS is), or it just might be too close to home for him.

I would talk to him again about it and find out what his reasons for being against it are. You need to know if it is just about his mate or if he would feel the same about other friends / acquaintances of his.

Another thought is that the mate could have had a thing for you for a while and wheedled info out of your ex while he was drunk. He could have made it sound like a good idea to your ex?

Talk to him again then make up your mind what you want to do.

beastlyslumber · 17/08/2021 12:03

I would not keep seeing this guy tbh - his best mate thinks he's dodgy, you run the risk of losing a really important and sustaining friendship, your DS in the worst case scenario could get caught in the crossfire. Not to mention the effect on your conscience of having a secret relationship. It's just all not worth it for some bloke. He may be a nice person but you said yourself you don't really think he's a keeper, and tbh if he was a stand up guy he wouldn't conduct a relationship behind his best mate's back and risk alienating you from your friend. You may well find that if everything is out in the open, the interest fades away (from him or you or both). The sneaking about makes it seem more exciting and important than it otherwise would.

There are lots of decent blokes out there. I would give this one a swerve.

2Rebecca · 17/08/2021 12:14

I'd maybe not bother with the mate unless you are really keen but would also reduce how much you divulge to your ex. If I was your ex's mate I'd be reviewing that relationship too feeling as though he wasn't really my friend

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 18:39

You know, after you saying that DS's Dad only gave your number to his mate when he was 11 pints in, I get the feeling that said mate wheedled the number out of him.
And that said mate is on a full charm offensive to get you to go out with him.
And your DS's Dad does know something about his "attitude to women" that he doesn't want you to get involved with, because he doesn't want to see you hurt. He's seen you through your 13y marriage, and however painful that was - and he's obviously a friend as well as a co-parent.

I think I'd take this as a fair warning that this guy might not be all he's cracking himself up to be, and give him a swerve.

I know I've gone back and forth a bit with this, but I honestly don't think he's trying to control you at all - he's trying to warn you, for your own sake. If he was in the control business, he wouldn't be having a laugh with you at the other dates you've been on, he'd be trying to stop you going on any.

Anyway - that's my thought now - I would consider having another chat with him anyway, but would also consider that this is coming from thought for your wellbeing and not any other ulterior motive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/08/2021 19:02

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

You know, after you saying that DS's Dad only gave your number to his mate when he was 11 pints in, I get the feeling that said mate wheedled the number out of him. And that said mate is on a full charm offensive to get you to go out with him. And your DS's Dad does know something about his "attitude to women" that he doesn't want you to get involved with, because he doesn't want to see you hurt. He's seen you through your 13y marriage, and however painful that was - and he's obviously a friend as well as a co-parent.

I think I'd take this as a fair warning that this guy might not be all he's cracking himself up to be, and give him a swerve.

Anyway - that's my thought now - I would consider having another chat with him anyway, but would also consider that this is coming from thought for your wellbeing and not any other ulterior motive.

Hear hear!

Rosieandjim04 · 17/08/2021 19:11

YABU I would be livid if a best friend started something with an ex of mine.

AlmostSummer21 · 17/08/2021 19:17

he knows how the guy feels about women

You've known DS's Dad for a long time, he's a close friend... I wouldn't risk screwing up that relationship or being a party to screwing up their friendship.

Maybe he thinks little of his friends treatment of women but feels disloyal discussing the ins & outs of that with you.

Yes the bloke might be attractive & funny, but it's not worth risking your friendship with DS's Dad IMO.

Original poster

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 19:58

Thumbwitchesabroad -;yes ,on balance , that is spot on on every point. Perhaps he is already feeling conflicted - and that's why he is being vague - so he is not disloyal to his mate or condoning it either.
I have had conversations with the friend today and told him I was feeling very conflicted. He says he understands and will go with whatever I decide -:he says he really likes me of course and we get on well and he would be disappointed but would understand as it is tricky. He says he is only struggling because he thinks it is unusual to have a good connection like we do ( he has been single a while too ) . But then , he would say all the right things wouldn't he ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 20:00

Worth noting that I am the middle of two sisters and we are very close. They know DS dad well and of course they know me and one thinks it's a bad idea and one thinks I should go for it . So that doesn't help !!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterfingers1977 · 17/08/2021 21:02

I have just had a conversation with DSdad - I asked him ( very gently ) why it would be such an issue for me to specifically go out with his best friend. He was more specific finally - and said that he and his friend talk about everything and he just didn't want to hear all the ins and outs of us having a relationship. That's it. Nothing sinister at all . Just yhatm he said please go out with anyone he doesn't mind just nit his two best mates ( I know his other best friend very well and he would not even be on my radar ) so that's it. So , sorry to ask another question ; but shall I just go out with the friend on the proviso that neither of us tell him any details and completely keep him out of it ??

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5