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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if it really is my fault?

103 replies

HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 09:35

On holiday with husband and 2dc. Husband likes to go surfing here.

Went out surfing yesterday afternoon which was fine. We discussed taking the Dc swimming when he got back.

But he was out so long that there wasn’t time for swimming before dinner. While he was out I was in the cottage with the preschool dc as it was raining. Kept them busy with activities but they were going a bit crazy.

When he got back I said you were much longer than I expected. Since then he’s basically been ignoring me.

I apologised last night saying the dc had been a lot and I was a bit overwhelmed but he’s still basically ignoring me/ giving one word answers.

I feel sick in my stomach. I wish I hadn’t said anything. I’ve basically ruined the rest of the holiday now.

I can’t help but think maybe I should be forgiven though. I’m not perfect but I’m trying my best.

AIBU to think this can be forgotten about?

OP posts:
Kittii · 15/08/2021 09:38

Does he often sulk? It's emotional abuse by the way. He's punishing you.

FourEyesGood · 15/08/2021 09:40

What exactly do you think you’ve done wrong here?

Thorilicious · 15/08/2021 09:41

You haven't done anything wrong, he just has you conditioned to think you have.

AdaFuckingShelby · 15/08/2021 09:42

You haven't ruined anything. It's his behaviour that is ruining it.

MojoMoon · 15/08/2021 09:42

You have done nothing wrong. He was out having fun and you were doing the drudge work of parenting. I bet you don't get equal time off to do fun things yourself

Does he behave this a lot? Punish you by withdrawing and ignoring?

SugarBlossomFairy · 15/08/2021 09:42

Absolutely not your fault at all! No reasonable adult would react like that.

Don't let him treat you like this.

DoItAfraid · 15/08/2021 09:44

You are the not the one who needs to be forgiven.

He is sulking because he is immature and not able to admit that he was inconsiderate in losing track of time etc.

Howshouldibehave · 15/08/2021 09:45

It sounds like he’s ruining the holiday on his own by doing his own thing and leaving you alone all day with two young children.

He’s then managed to convince you that you were the unreasonable one!

MushMonster · 15/08/2021 09:45

Nothing wrong. Now is your turn to do something you like.
Do not pander too much to him. If he wants to give one word replies, he can. Enjoy the silence!

ChocolateCakeYum · 15/08/2021 09:46

Sulky men are arseholes. Always. It’s a form of emotional manipulation.

Don’t put up with it op.

Also you have nothing to apologise for.

TheAverageUser · 15/08/2021 09:47

Him sulking or angry doesn't mean he's right. Sounds like he's manipulative and childish. You did nothing wrong.

Original poster
HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 09:47

I suppose I’m worried I should have been clear about what time I was expecting he would be back/that we were definitely planning to go swimming. I think I just think about these things but he doesn’t plan the day in the same way.

Maybe I was a bit snappy at him. I’m not perfect and I feel like I’m expected to be.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 09:49

So he went off and did his own thing. You had plans to swim, Before dinner.

But he didnt come back in time to go swimming. Instead, just took his time leaving you looking after joint kids.

So your afternoon was looking g after the kids, not going swimming and making dinner and he just comes and goes as he pleases.

And you think it's you that's wrong?

Op he is abusing you.

Makinglemonadefromlemons · 15/08/2021 09:50

I don't think that you have done anything wrong to be honest, I wouldn't act as though I had done anything wrong and just say that you feel he's not quite right is everything ok- try & open the conversation where you can say that you & kids were looking forward to family time & they had been a handful but you couldn't take them out because you had agreed to go swimming with him, so were waiting on him.
Him sulking is out of order, does he always behave like that when something is said he doesn't like?
How long have you left of your holiday? Does he sulk for ages?
I agree with @Kittii, it's emotional abuse.
If he won't talk /can't sort himself out you & the kids go off & have lots of fun without him & ignore his behaviour.

Just out of interest does he give you time off/ time to yourself while he looks after the kids?

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2021 09:52

Clearly you are not the problem here.

DancesWithTortoises · 15/08/2021 09:52

He's a selfish prick and doesn't like that you know it.

Sunbird24 · 15/08/2021 09:52

This is supposed to be a family holiday, not a holiday for him with you still doing all the drudge work just in a different location!
He’s being selfish.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/08/2021 09:53

He’s acting like a 12 year old girl.

Original poster
HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 09:54

I do get some time to go for a run (not as time consuming as surfing). I could probably have more but that would mean little family time left.

Honestly I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep everyone else happy and failing.

OP posts:
Namenic · 15/08/2021 09:55

?! He sounds like he is being an idiot. Is he going to take the kids today to give you a break?

Womaninthemirror1 · 15/08/2021 09:55

His behaviour is horrible. He is being emotionally manipulative. Maybe he doesn’t mean to he, but he is. I have a family member like this so I know the feeling well.
Just because he is “upset” doesn’t mean you did something wrong!

He clearly believes he is perfect and can do no wrong any anyone to suggest otherwise is the “bad guy”.

Has he EVER apologised to you, for anything?
How often do you apologise to him?
In a non emotionally-manipulative relationship the answer should be 50:50.

YOU are not spoiling the holiday. HE is.
You need to carry on and have a lovely time without him!

Marmitemarinaded · 15/08/2021 09:56

Ok stop the navel gazing and the Martyrdom

He’s been a bit inconsiderate
And now he’s behaving plain rudely

Ask him outright - is he going to spoil the holiday by being in a mood because holidays are precious and you’d love to put yesterday’s disagreement yesterday to bed

If he STILL continues
Quite honestly
You’re with an arsehole

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 09:56

@HolidayBluz

I do get some time to go for a run (not as time consuming as surfing). I could probably have more but that would mean little family time left.

Honestly I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep everyone else happy and failing.

You aren't failing.

It not your job to keep him happy. He has conditioned you to believe it is. He has also conditioned you believe you can never express how you feel or say anything that may come across as critising, even when it's warranted

You would be better leaving him and cincentrating on just making you and the kids happy. Because in the long run, he will make you all miserable.

Henrytheehoover · 15/08/2021 09:58

Just start suiting yourself OP, it's clear your husband does.

Quartz2208 · 15/08/2021 09:59

That was a tough read OP because he left you and your children to do his own thing and was out so long that his children didnt manage to do their activity. So entirely his fault with being selfish etc (and I suspect he also had a car etc).

And yet you are tying yourself in knots over it - seeing it as your fault, you apologised and now you are worried you have ruined the holiday

Leave him be and get on with your holiday.