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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if it really is my fault?

103 replies

HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 09:35

On holiday with husband and 2dc. Husband likes to go surfing here.

Went out surfing yesterday afternoon which was fine. We discussed taking the Dc swimming when he got back.

But he was out so long that there wasn’t time for swimming before dinner. While he was out I was in the cottage with the preschool dc as it was raining. Kept them busy with activities but they were going a bit crazy.

When he got back I said you were much longer than I expected. Since then he’s basically been ignoring me.

I apologised last night saying the dc had been a lot and I was a bit overwhelmed but he’s still basically ignoring me/ giving one word answers.

I feel sick in my stomach. I wish I hadn’t said anything. I’ve basically ruined the rest of the holiday now.

I can’t help but think maybe I should be forgiven though. I’m not perfect but I’m trying my best.

AIBU to think this can be forgotten about?

OP posts:
rottd · 15/08/2021 09:59

wtf?! why do you feel bad?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/08/2021 10:06

You haven’t done anything wrong.

Get that straight.

If you can’t make him happy - and you won’t because he is deliberately being a miserable arse - then concentrate on enjoying your holiday with the DC if you can.

He is self absorbed and is acting like a prize plum.

You are not failing. He is the one who can’t cut it as a good husband and father.

Hope you can enjoy your holiday with the DC. Flowers

dementedpixie · 15/08/2021 10:07

He sounds like a selfish sulky baby
You have done nothing wrong

Original poster
HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 10:09

I guess the main thing is that I feel I should have been clearer about when he should have been back so we could go swimming. I thought it was obvious but it probably wasn’t.

We’ve 4 days left but this might go on longer than the holiday.

For the pp who asked, he doesn’t often say sorry. Its nearly always me who apologies/tries to patch things up.

Honestly I just kind of wish someone wanted to make me happy. How sad is it that I’m posting all this here.

OP posts:
Angryfrommanchester1 · 15/08/2021 10:12

If he knew the plan was to take the kids swimming before dinner than it’s his fault if he took longer? The worst thing about this is the sulking and your worry about his behaviour after you’ve pulled him up on it. This is the part that will ruin the holiday, not what you’ve said.

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2021 10:15

Honestly, I’d tell him he’s ruined your holiday and that of the dc and that you want to go home. How else does he control you? He sounds extremely manipulative. Children sulk, not bloody adults.

Quartz2208 · 15/08/2021 10:18

But he didn’t check though OP this is on him and he should have realised that staying out that long was selfish

Why should you be responsible for spelling this out to him

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2021 10:19

This is horrible to read OP. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. And its clearly working. That's the kind of thing people say all the time, it's not an accusation it's an observation and a conversation opener. My husband goes for a run and I might say 'oh I was expecting you back ages ago' and he will say 'oh yeah I bumped into the neighbour' and that's that . Or in the same situation if id been looking after kids and he had been doing something he enjoyed even if I'd said 'what happened you've been ages and now it's too late to do x' so clearly pissed off, he would either apologise or he might calmly say that he has been with the kids for hours this morning and wanted a break and lost track of time.
If your husband genuinely thinks he is in the right by taking loads longer than normal to do an activity so the kids miss theirs then he should be an adult and speak to you about it. If he thinks you were snappy, he should speak to you about it. If he isnt sure if there is an activity on for the kids, or what time it starts, he should have checked with you first. You are not the family PA, it's not your job to parent him as well and remind him that other people might like to do something as well and that the kids might need him.

But there is never ever any excuse to sulk and ignore you, especially on holiday, your poor kids having to holiday in that atmosphere. As I said above, its abusive because it's a 'punishment' designed to train the other person into desired behaviour and question their own behaviour instead of acknowledging that the abuser fucked up. Which is clearly working in this case, he has got you questioning if you're the one in the wrong when anyone in a healthy relationship would be furious their husband was acting like such a dick. And in the future you will be less likely to make any comments like that because even if you think he is in the wrong you dont want to rock the boat. You even say things like 'I'm always trying to make everyone happy' or similar. You shouldn't be having to work to make everyones happy and walking on eggshells so that he doesn't get upset. He is putting his unreasonable demands onto you.
Seriously consider leaving unless he gets therapy for it. Sulking gets worse over time and your kids will eventually pick up on it and may be the ones he is sulking with. They will also either grow up to be sulker or end up in a relationship with a sulker.

Womaninthemirror1 · 15/08/2021 10:19

But OP it doesn’t matter if you should have been clearer. Maybe he should have been more thoughtful?

Even if you didn’t communicate clearly enough, it doesn’t warrant sulking. He’s acting like a child would react. A reasonable response would be something like:

“Oh, sorry love I didn’t realise that we had made a plan to go swimming at 5. You take a break now while I do dinner, let’s swim tomorrow.”

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 15/08/2021 10:20

Your posts are heartbreaking to read OP. I hope you can see this situation for what it is before long Sad Your husband is being emotionally abusive and you sound broken down and scared, walking on eggshells. You are worth more than this Flowers

HollowTalk · 15/08/2021 10:26

Stop apologising to him for his bad behaviour. He hasn't got a leg to stand on, which is why he's ignoring you now. He doesn't want to discuss what he's done because he can't justify it.

rainbowstardrops · 15/08/2021 10:26

I agree that you are worth more than this. You did absolutely nothing wrong and I certainly wouldn't be pandering to this pathetic idiot.
Let him ignore you. Who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️
Enjoy your time with your children, not your man child

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2021 10:27

I’m glad you posted because maybe you’ll see that his behaviour is appalling. The one word answers are a tactic so when (and with these time it is always a when) there is a next time, you will STFU. You are not always wrong but you have and are being conditioned to thinking you are. If the roles were reversed, he would have undoubtedly reacted in a similar fashion (probably a whole lot more forcibly) but your reaction wasn’t the issue, it’s the fact you dared challenge his behaviour.

There’s a current story line in Casualty where one of the characters is constantly having to calculate the impact of his responses to his controlling gf. Even when he does make a calculation to not to do anything to trigger a negative response, it still sometimes triggers a negative response. The message he learns is that, she decides what responses from him are acceptable and sometimes there is no pattern to what she deems acceptable. The end result, is he is always on the back foot waiting for ‘the punishment’, which is precisely where she wants him, under her control.

Keep posting.

notanothertakeaway · 15/08/2021 10:27

Sulking until you apologise is manipulative. Don't play that game

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 15/08/2021 10:31

YOU haven’t ruined the holiday.

He’s ruining it by being a sulky, childish, stroppy, moody arse.

NoProblem123 · 15/08/2021 10:38

I’m sorry but you’re on holiday with a complete turd Flowers

Don’t live your life like this x

Womaninthemirror1 · 15/08/2021 10:46

Also, people don’t need to know they are being manipulative and controlling, to be manipulative and controlling.

So you might be thinking “but he’s genuinely upset, he’s not doing it intentionally to hurt me”

And maybe that’s true BUT the behaviour it is STILL emotionally manipulative and controlling. One thing I have learned is that this sort of sulky behaviour is often learned within a family home.
If a parent acts like this, the children learn to act like this.
One of my parents is like this and I can see the same tendencies in myself and my sister. we can be ‘sulky’ when we feel guilty or upset with someone because that was what was normal growing up and the way we learnt to show these emotions. We also lack boundaries and are people pleasers. It’s a weird mix. My sister and I can see this now, and we pull ourselves up on it regularly but it’s taken till we are in out 30s.

So even if you don’t feel his behaviour is learned rather than consciously malicious, he still needs calling out and needs to learn to stop doing it.

If you don’t, you will soon have children who lack emotional literacy and who repeat the same behaviour patterns as you and their father.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2021 10:51

He sounds like a knob
He’s out all day, leaving you to look after the dc on your own- how is this a family holiday? What does he actually contribute to your happiness?

HumdrumGuga · 15/08/2021 10:54

Listen to your gut. It's telling you something is wrong. Let me guess, there's been many instances of this and you're tying yourself in knots to blame yourself and if only you'd done something different, he wouldn't have kicked off?

Nope. The goal posts will change, his "standards" will change so that you are always the one in the wrong. Read the Lundy Bancroft book.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 15/08/2021 10:58

It’s not your fault. Forget about not being clear etc… it’s him talking. Not the reality.

He is emotionally abusive.

I would advice to ignore him sulking. Plan the rest of the days with your dcs. See if he will actually join the family or prefers to sulk (and go surfing which he probably much refers anyway).

When back home, find a good counsellor.

Snaketime · 15/08/2021 10:59

I'm sorry OP I agree with everyone else. YOU haven't done anything wrong, YOU haven't ruined the holiday, HE is BU and this is a form of abuse. I very very rarely say this but you need to get away from this man, not just for your mental health but the impact it will have on the kids in the future.

Newmumatlast · 15/08/2021 11:00

@Thorilicious

You haven't done anything wrong, he just has you conditioned to think you have.
This. Your OP screams of this. You'd organised going swimming after he came back so inherent in that is him coming back in time for it. You didn't berate him or anything you just stated a fact. He is being emotionally abusive.
FinallyHere · 15/08/2021 11:47

should have been clearer about when he should have been back so we could go swimming. I thought it was obvious but it probably wasn’t.

I think it would be obvious to anyone who considers others, including their DC and their 'dear wife'.

If you care more about your own fun on holiday, at the expense of the DC's activities, then I expect you just crack on. If anyone tries to call you out on the selfishness, sulking is interestingly, going to shift the focus from your selfishness.

It's a way to punish anyone who risked calling attention to your selfishness. And often makes them reconsider, start to doubt themselves and got along with whatever you want for the sake of 'keeping the peace'

It's emotion abuse.

I'm so sorry, OP, its no way to live your life and it's no example to your DC.

Are you already so trained by him that it's difficult to see that this is emotional abuse.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 15/08/2021 11:59

Op it sounds like you need to speak to a professional and get help. His behaviour is not normal or OK.

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 12:02

@HolidayBluz

I guess the main thing is that I feel I should have been clearer about when he should have been back so we could go swimming. I thought it was obvious but it probably wasn’t.

We’ve 4 days left but this might go on longer than the holiday.

For the pp who asked, he doesn’t often say sorry. Its nearly always me who apologies/tries to patch things up.

Honestly I just kind of wish someone wanted to make me happy. How sad is it that I’m posting all this here.

You’re expecting him to sulk for longer than 4 days because he let the kids down?

He is very clearly emotionally abusive. That’s not how people treat their families when they’re not abusive arseholes.

It is sad you’re posting here, but at least you can see it

You don’t have to put up with it forever - you and the children deserve better.