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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if it really is my fault?

103 replies

HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 09:35

On holiday with husband and 2dc. Husband likes to go surfing here.

Went out surfing yesterday afternoon which was fine. We discussed taking the Dc swimming when he got back.

But he was out so long that there wasn’t time for swimming before dinner. While he was out I was in the cottage with the preschool dc as it was raining. Kept them busy with activities but they were going a bit crazy.

When he got back I said you were much longer than I expected. Since then he’s basically been ignoring me.

I apologised last night saying the dc had been a lot and I was a bit overwhelmed but he’s still basically ignoring me/ giving one word answers.

I feel sick in my stomach. I wish I hadn’t said anything. I’ve basically ruined the rest of the holiday now.

I can’t help but think maybe I should be forgiven though. I’m not perfect but I’m trying my best.

AIBU to think this can be forgotten about?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 12:04

@Quartz2208

That was a tough read OP because he left you and your children to do his own thing and was out so long that his children didnt manage to do their activity. So entirely his fault with being selfish etc (and I suspect he also had a car etc).

And yet you are tying yourself in knots over it - seeing it as your fault, you apologised and now you are worried you have ruined the holiday

Leave him be and get on with your holiday.

this...

it was gut wrenching to read you are apologising to this twat too...

he sounds cruel twisted and probably enjoys giving you the silent treatment.. it gives him all the power

Charmtaste · 15/08/2021 12:07

@HolidayBluz why are you ignoring all the advice you are being given? Your husband is being abusive. He is ruining your holiday by sulking because you dared to question him. This is abuse. You need to demand he stops and if he won’t you should leave him.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 12:17

You think he will sulk the rest of your holiday? Do you drive? Pack his bag, say he can catch a train home now if he’s planning to sulk through the family holiday and push him out the door.

sallievp · 15/08/2021 12:23

He sounds pathetic! Surely you can't really think you've done something wrong?

icedcoffees · 15/08/2021 12:33

This is really sad to read.

Your H is abusive.

CakeandGo · 15/08/2021 12:34

So he went surfing alone and left you with the DC and then got cross with you because he didn’t get back in time to take them swimming?
And you’ve apologised.

He’s done a number on you OP.

hartwood · 15/08/2021 12:42

You haven't ruined anything OP. If roles were reversed and you went running for much longer than expected, leaving him with the kids most of the day would that be his fault or yours?

Why do you think it's on you to give specific times yet your husband can just swan off for hours with no communication whatsoever?

clpsmum · 15/08/2021 12:53

You haven't ruined the holiday he has by acting like a selfish overgrown two year old

DreamingofTimbuktu · 15/08/2021 13:07

You husband is selfish, he’s got 2 kids he doesn’t get unlimited time to surf. You’d likely be much happier without him

3Br1tnee · 15/08/2021 13:14

Please leave him op, and make yourself happy.

FlowerArranger · 15/08/2021 13:29

@HolidayBluz - your husband is an inconsiderate, selfish, coercive, abusive arsehole .

However, where are you in all this? You have agency, and yet you seem to consider it inevitable that you have to martyr yourself.

Why?

bluebling · 15/08/2021 13:36

@HolidayBluz

I guess the main thing is that I feel I should have been clearer about when he should have been back so we could go swimming. I thought it was obvious but it probably wasn’t.

We’ve 4 days left but this might go on longer than the holiday.

For the pp who asked, he doesn’t often say sorry. Its nearly always me who apologies/tries to patch things up.

Honestly I just kind of wish someone wanted to make me happy. How sad is it that I’m posting all this here.

He knew perfectly well what time he should have been back. He didn't care. Stop apologising for his behaviour and start making plans to leave him and be happy.
JustLyra · 15/08/2021 13:49

Some people having a pop at the OP on this thread really need to have a word with themselves.

If it was as easy as having agency, demanding he stops or easily leaving then we wouldn’t need agencies like Women’s Aid.

ShuddaBeenMe · 15/08/2021 14:20

Sit him down and ask does he intend being a prick for the rest of the holiday and if so tell him to fuck off home.

You've done nothing wrong at all Thanks

Original poster
HolidayBluz · 15/08/2021 14:25

Thank you for all your support. I suppose I knew in my gut but I doubt myself a lot. Its 24 hours on now and I can see that even if I should have been clearer/less snappy, I don’t deserve to still be ignored. I’m just a normal person trying her best.

Not really sure how I’m supposed to use my agency righy now without ruining the kids very much wanted holiday to be honest but lots of thinking to do when I get home.

OP posts:
WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 15/08/2021 14:36

Stop pandering to him. Each time you do it he will get worse, it rewards his bad behaviour and reinforces to him that he is right
Tbh I stayed far too long with a sulked but I guess he needs a chance
Ignore him and find things for you and the children to enjoy. Once he has dragged himself out of his childish behaviour and you are home have a talk. He needs to know it isn't acceptable
If he carries on you need to split. Its no way to live

Eviebeans · 15/08/2021 14:46

I might be wrong but it sounds as if OP has put up with this for a long time and has been ground down by it. If that's the case it's not easy to get yourself together and leave without support to do that.

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2021 14:48

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

He’s acting like a 12 year old girl.
No he isn’t He’s behaving like a Dick
Dontwatchfootball · 15/08/2021 14:52

Why should you have to be clear about the amount of time he can be out? Does he often forget he has children who need caring for? Your comment is pretty neutral, but I can see why he got defensive. However, he got defensive because he is in the wrong and knows it. And you probably spoiled his plans to do it again and claim he thought it was ok. Tell him to knock it off, he is being ridiculous.

Imnothereforthedrama · 15/08/2021 14:57

Honestly he’s ridiculous, he was gone longer that you thought , you were a bit annoyed because the kids were fed up you told him so . He was annoyed at you fine he’s allowed to be but so are you . The bit that’s ridiculous is him ignoring you because of what you said . I can’t be arsed with people that use the silent treatment as a way of punishment, it’s childish and horrible for the whole household as creates a atmosphere. Jeez it must be draining being married to him just constant worrying about upsetting him .
Tell him to grow up op and don’t apologise he’s being a dick .

CanICelebrate · 15/08/2021 14:59

Unless I’ve completely missed something (which I doubt as I’ve read the whole thread) it’s sounds as though your husband is controlling and manipulative Sad
You don’t deserve to be treated like this Flowers

ThreeLocusts · 15/08/2021 15:17

Really arsey behaviour from your OH. The silent treatment is never appropriate if it goes on longer than the few minutes that may be needed to gather one's thoughts in a conflict situation. And he is holding the children's holiday hostage.

Sounds like you need fundamental change in your relationship.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 15/08/2021 15:21

He is being a twat. One word answers when you have been looking after the kids all day. He can get to Fuck. Make a family plan for tomorrow where the kids get to go swimming and then you get a run. Don't blame yourself for not reacting in the right way. He is altering the mood of the holiday on purpose by being off with you. I would look at his behaviour overall. He does sound selfish. Hope you manage to have a good rest of holiday with the kids.

Justcashnosweets · 15/08/2021 15:26

What a horrible manchild. He's the one in the wrong not you. I would tell him to go fuck himself in all honesty and you and the children enjoy your holiday anyway you please.

Immaculatemisconception · 15/08/2021 15:27

@HolidayBluz

I do get some time to go for a run (not as time consuming as surfing). I could probably have more but that would mean little family time left.

Honestly I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep everyone else happy and failing.

Honestly I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep everyone else happy and failing.

I feel so sad for you, reading this and your other posts. As other posters have said, you are being emotionally abused.

You deserve better love, sort yourself out to leave this abuser.