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AIBU?

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Original poster

My 10 year old just told me he is gay

138 replies

Didifuckitup · 14/08/2021 22:00

Did I fuck it up. I don’t know if I responded wrong.
This has come from nowhere. He hasn’t hit puberty yet. He’s so young. He’s had the usual little girlfriends at school and crushes on girls.
And like a bolt out of the blue told me today , mum I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m gay.

It came out of nowhere at all . He’s the most boy ish boy and totally unexpected.

Can you really know if you are gay as young as ten? He has had sex Ed type stuff lately at school and he said he “knows all about gay/bi and alllll the genders now.. “
I don’t know if those lessons have made him feel like he needs to “tick a box” or “fit” or if he’s just sure he’s gay.

I basically said, “ oh that’s fine, no biggie. It makes no difference to me and dad if you are gay or straight as long as you are confident and happy. You will hit puberty soon and hormones will be raging, and you will fancy all kinds of people. You may fancy girls down the line, or boys, or both. And don’t be confused by that if you do. It’s all normal . You are only ten and that’s really young , please don’t feel like you have to pick a sexuality at your age, these things will all figure themselves out in time”

And then I thought shit was that the wrong thing to say. I don’t know. He suffers with anxiety and a few other health issues and I don’t want to mess this up but maybe I already did. Can you know you are gay so young? Can these school chats confuse kids these days? Should I say anything else ?

Hope I haven’t confused him more

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 14/08/2021 22:03

I think you did well. You validated him but also gave him "permission" to change his mind on his sexuality throughout this teens, as many people do, without being embarrassed.

But I knew before I was 10. Sometimes it isn't a phase.

He’s the most boy ish boy and totally unexpected.

However, this does sound like you have some ignorance/stereotypical ideas of gay people which you might want to think about. Not all lesbians are tomboys, not all gay men are girly.

soupforbrains · 14/08/2021 22:04

I think your response was really good.

Perhaps, depending on the tone, it might have possibly sounded almost too casual. Which could be interpreted as dismissive but I think you did well.

I know some people who are gay and believe that they knew that early. Not necessarily that they knew they were gay, because they didn’t have the understanding of what that was, but they knew they weren’t straight.

I think the key thing is to just maintain open communication so that whatever he feels going forward he knows he can talk to you about it and that you both love and support him.

HunterGatherer · 14/08/2021 22:04

I think you handled it well and he did really well to tell you. One of our DSs was 11 or 12 when he told us, but TBH it was no surprise to anyone that had ever met him.

ViciousJackdaw · 14/08/2021 22:06

What you said seems reasonable to me. Reassuring and accepting. You certainly can know you are gay at that age, it will be just the same as how I knew I liked males.

cnn27 · 14/08/2021 22:06

It's definitely possible to know at 10 - the same way most straight people will know they're straight at 10.

Wolfiefan · 14/08/2021 22:07

Your overriding message was that you love him! And that he can freely be whoever he is and you’ll accept him. Now and in the future. I think that’s pretty damned powerful. His sexuality isn’t who he is. No pressure.

hartof · 14/08/2021 22:09

I think that's fine. My DD told me last year at 12 she wanted to be a boy, I said we're happy as long as you are however we won't be changing hormones we can change hair and clothes but there's absolutely no need for labels at your age.

And there isn't so much can change when they're so young. I think as long as you are supportive and are happy to listen to his feelings then you'll do fine.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 14/08/2021 22:10

That sounds perfect. He may be gay or he may change his mind, or be bi - it’s great that you’ve let him know that whatever he ends up being you’re happy and supportive!
❤️

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2021 22:10

That's a pretty text book good response

I'm not sure how you could think there was anything wrong with it?

NumberTheory · 14/08/2021 22:11

Your response was fine.

I don’t think 10 is too young to at least have an idea that some of your interest isn’t mainstream. Lots of kids have some sexual awareness and curiosity before puberty and with sex education being better about covering diversity it’s probably easier to put a name to it than it used to be in the old Section 28 days.

OaxacaChihuahua · 14/08/2021 22:12

I knew I was bi by ten.

And I know lots of ‘boyish’ gay men!

I think you did fine. I don’t think generally you should say ‘as long as you’re happy and confident it’s fine!’. He may not be happy or confident, and its still fine that he’s gay. But I think otherwise you did a good job of validating his feelings and not making a big song and dance about it.

Echobelly · 14/08/2021 22:12

I think that was a great response - accepting but leaving things open for him. DD told us she was gay when she was 12 - it was almost an aside and she'd hinted at it before, but she always knew it was a non-issue for us.

CoffeeRunner · 14/08/2021 22:12

You did well.

But to answer your question, yes it is possible to know you are gay when you are 10. My lovely gay friend says he knew for sure from the age of 9/10.

SimonJT · 14/08/2021 22:13

He’s the most boy ish boy

You need to work on your prejudice a bit, as do most people, everyone has it, but realising its therr and working on it is really important.

It he had said “mum I’m straight” would you have said the same and posted on here? No, so, just relax, you treat it just the same as you would if he said “mum I’m straight”.

therocinante · 14/08/2021 22:16

I think you nailed it, good job! Supportive and open.

10 isn't too young to know - I 'fancied' Lara Croft as well as Robbie Williams at 10, or as much as a ten year old can fancy someone. My gay friends all knew 'something' pretty young, even if they didn't have a label for it.

Only thing I'd say is, as PP said, try and unpick your "he's a boyish boy" stuff in your own head - it's not accurate or especially useful to assume all gay people fit a particular mould. While you obviously haven't said anything to your DS of that nature which is great, you may as well try and drop the stereotype to stop it possibly colouring your idea of who your son might be when he's older! 😊

ShingleBeach · 14/08/2021 22:19

My gay best friend says he knew he was sexually attracted to men / gay by the time he was 9.

Saz12 · 14/08/2021 22:21

I didn’t know at 10 that I was straight. If someone had asked me if I liked girls or boys, or which I liked looking at, Id’ve said girls. But I’m straight, I just wasn’t interested either way at the age of 10 (and, rural Scotland in the early ‘80’s, people being gay probably wasn’t hugely obvious to me!),

Honestly I think your response was great, accepting, no pressure, all good.

muchtoomuchtime · 14/08/2021 22:22

This stood out for me mum I don’t know how to tell you this. My 11 year old would never used that wording because he has no sense that being gay needs to be announced. So I would wonder if your son has concerns that is not ok to be gay. It's great that you were positive but maybe need to explore a bit how he feels.

PricklesTheHedgehog · 14/08/2021 22:23

I knew I was straight at age nine when I really fancied a boy in my class.

But I'd actually never heard of gay/lesbian at this age either.

I clearly could have benefited from modern sex ed.

muchtoomuchtime · 14/08/2021 22:28

Also....I would have been thinking Ooooh... Has he got his first crush???
I wonder if he was actually trying to tell you about someone?

Fitschkels · 14/08/2021 22:39

My 9.5 year old told me he’s straight a couple of weeks ago (we’ll he said “I’ve realised I actually like girls and will probably marry one” or something like that). I wonder if this is the type of age they start to realise stuff like that? Obvs in our day it was just assumed everyone was straight and I don’t think it was thought about at all - I never realised I was straight as I never had to, iyswim? Whereas children who went on to be gay/bi adults perhaps did have to understand something about themselves that wasn’t mainstream?

Whereas we’ve always spoken about having boy or girlfriends, husbands or wives, and perhaps that’s thrown being straight or gay into something children think about either way?

Not sure if I’m expressing myself well here, but I think for sure at this age kids can be aware of sexuality without being interested at all in sex, obviously. I certainly “fancied” boys in year 4, painfully so!!

NoNotMeNoSiree · 14/08/2021 22:54

I definitely knew I fancied boys at 10 (I'm straight) and a lot of my friends did as well - so it stands to reason that someone who is gay would know too?!
So for that I've put YABU as You are only ten and that’s really young , please don’t feel like you have to pick a sexuality at your age, these things will all figure themselves out in time” sounds a bit like you're dismissing as something he might grow out of.
It's perfectly normal to know who you like at that age.

Coffeeonmytoffee · 14/08/2021 22:55

You did really well!

Butterbeer4All · 14/08/2021 22:55

I don't know if people know at that age that they're gay but they do know if they're loved, supported, and listened to. Your response was perfect.

Kanaloa · 14/08/2021 22:56

It doesn’t really matter, I don’t think it’s something that’s worth a reaction really. Not because you don’t care but because it’s unremarkable. Of course let him know if he wants to talk about it then you’re about and available, then treat him no differently. Don’t mention being boyish/not boyish, it isn’t relevant to sexuality.