My 10 year old just told me he is gay

[Didifuckitup]

Did I fuck it up. I don’t know if I responded wrong.
This has come from nowhere. He hasn’t hit puberty yet. He’s so young. He’s had the usual little girlfriends at school and crushes on girls.
And like a bolt out of the blue told me today , mum I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m gay.

It came out of nowhere at all . He’s the most boy ish boy and totally unexpected.

Can you really know if you are gay as young as ten? He has had sex Ed type stuff lately at school and he said he “knows all about gay/bi and alllll the genders now.. “
I don’t know if those lessons have made him feel like he needs to “tick a box” or “fit” or if he’s just sure he’s gay.

I basically said, “ oh that’s fine, no biggie. It makes no difference to me and dad if you are gay or straight as long as you are confident and happy. You will hit puberty soon and hormones will be raging, and you will fancy all kinds of people. You may fancy girls down the line, or boys, or both. And don’t be confused by that if you do. It’s all normal . You are only ten and that’s really young , please don’t feel like you have to pick a sexuality at your age, these things will all figure themselves out in time”

And then I thought shit was that the wrong thing to say. I don’t know. He suffers with anxiety and a few other health issues and I don’t want to mess this up but maybe I already did. Can you know you are gay so young? Can these school chats confuse kids these days? Should I say anything else ?

Hope I haven’t confused him more

@ViciousJackdaw

What you said seems reasonable to me. Reassuring and accepting. You certainly can know you are gay at that age, it will be just the same as how I knew I liked males.

You can be gay at 10 and straight at 15. It doesn't have to be forever to be real

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

When he talked about having girlfriends at school did you question if he could really know he was straight yet? Probably not. If you believe kids his age can know they are straight, then they can know they are gay. Or its even possible he could be bi and has not quite worked that out yet. Why did he say he did not know how to tell you? You say you were raised in a homophobic home. Can he sense that? How is his father on these matters?

No because I guess you don’t do you. I always just assumed puberty or afterwards would be when sexuality and feelings started to come out. Yes I was . I’d like to think not, he doesn’t spend any time alone with my parents due to their views on many things. I am careful with the things I say as a result.He’s never had or heard any negative conversations about sexuality around us. I try to be a decent parent. I’m glad he talked to me and that he felt he could . Even if he struggled to say it. His dads great. He was taken aback like I was . I asked my son if he’d like to speak with his dad about it too when he’s home from work and he said “yeah or you tell him if you want I don’t mind” So his dad went and said, “I love you regardless of what you do in life or who you grow up and want to marry, man or woman” Son said “yeah I know” they hugged and subject was changed onto computer games

I hope we did ok. I read about these situation s but thought it was early to have to have an answer ready.

It sounds like you know you had a bit of a panic; I agree with those saying you may have made him feel you didn't believe him/think it's a phase.

Do you really think people 'pick' a sexuality, and it's a choice? I expect not, but if that was the wording you used, I think I'd make an opportunity some time to talk about how you don't necessarily think people choose their sexuality.

FWIW, my MIL reckons she always knew DP was gay, from a little child. No one else has ever been in much doubt either. For some people it is quite clear. Others, not so much.

I wonder if maybe a good way to go on would be to do things that quietly affirm your DS without making it an issue? I don't know enough about ten year old boys (but someone on here will!), but are there books or family-friendly films that just happen to have LGBT characters, or strong male-male relationships? That might just make him feel as if you are accepting him, without you necessarily having to have 'A Conversation' in capital letters?

Cross post.

Please don't think I'm nit-picking by commenting - I am just replying to your last post because you sound as if you really want advice. You say:

So his dad went and said, “I love you regardless of what you do in life or who you grow up and want to marry, man or woman”

The problem with this as a response is that, essentially, it sounds like 'I love you so much I can forgive you for being gay' or 'You being gay doesn't matter, because I love you'.

Imagine if your son told you he'd realised he really wanted to be an artist when he grew up. You might be surprised, especially if you think that's quite unlike the 'boyish' interests he's had before. You might be a bit sceptical - how many people make it as artists?

But I think you'd know it'd sound very weird to say 'I love you regardless of what you do in life, whether you're an artist or not'.

Most parents would say 'aw, that's great! I love the painting you've just done!'

If your response to him saying he's gay is 'I still love you,' then you're implying being gay is unlovable, and you don't want to know about it.

I think you dealt with it really well. Cant see what you should have done differently. Absolutely nothing IMHO.

I had no idea I'm bisexual until my 20s but I'm autistic as that seems pretty unusual from reading the thread. I think your response was really good. I wouldn't take any offence at that myself and in my case it was totally true that my sexual orientation figured itself out in time. At ten I would have assumed I was straight.

I would have replied, casually , "I'm so happy for you son. Pass the chocolates please, will you let the dog out? Thanks".

You did better, op.

@FortunesFave

My DD came out as gay when she was 12. She's cracking on for 14 now and is straight apparently. Sexuality is the new rock and roll don't you know? If you're not something, then you're not cool.

Which is a bit worrying on one hand, and not on the other.

I don't like the idea of kids trying on sexualities....it invalidates kids who are definitely gay or bi or whatever....sexuality isn't an accessory but they all seem to be pissing around with it.

Oh, come on.

People have been peddling this nonsense for decades. When I was 12 homophobic adults were coming out with the faux-concern about how 'it's so trendy to be gay and they're all doing it, and it makes life harder for the real gays'.

Around the time of the Oscar Wilde trial, there was a rash of it, too.

It doesn't make you look less homophobic, to dress it up as concern, you know? If you were really accepting of gay people, you wouldn't be fussed your DD had come out as gay, no matter what happened later.

And btw, I say this as someone whose parents spent a long time congratulating each other that they'd been wise enough to realise a 'phase,' as I came out in my teens then started having straight relationships. Children know when their parents are faking acceptance - I knew.

@PricklesTheHedgehog

I knew I was straight at age nine when I really fancied a boy in my class.

But I'd actually never heard of gay/lesbian at this age either.

I clearly could have benefited from modern sex ed.

@PricklesTheHedgehog Same, knew from around 10 Also didn't know that there was gay people/lesbians either though! (Unsurprising looking back what with section 28 and all that So much better now there's more education.

I think you did and said the right thing OP. So many people are happy to accept a straight 10 year old knowing their orientation but not a gay 10 year old. My mother is the worst for this. I knew younger than ten I liked males and in the many years since I’ve never so much as had a crush on a female. My DD knew she liked girls when she was seven but didn’t quite know how to tell me so she asked how I’d react if she brought a girl home for dinner instead of a boy. I knew she liked girls even younger but I always made it ok to like anyone so she didn’t (and still doesn’t) feel pressured to settle her orientation. She still likes girls now years later, I don’t expect that will change.

I think a lot of the attitude from people who say they can’t know at ten comes from the belief being gay is a sexuality and that refers to sex the act, which is why I refer to orientation - it’s not so much a homophobia per se (although there will be a lot of that too) but they don’t want to sexualise kids. The problem is there’s no difference whether the kid is same sex attracted or opposite sex attracted or attracted to both. It’s a crush at this age and very unlikely to be about actual sex. It’s sad so many adults can’t see the difference and that they dismiss a child’s feelings so early on.

SarahAndQuack

How dare you call me homophobic!? You don't even know me. What I said is perfectly valid...and when DD came out we accepted it. However now that she's straight again, it's natural to assume she said she was gay in order to be fashionable.

She's not the only one either...MN is full of similar stories...kids coming out, going in, chopping and changing.

It's fashion without a doubt. And it DOES invalidate the kids who are actually gay!

It’s a crush at this age and very unlikely to be about actual sex. It’s sad so many adults can’t see the difference and that they dismiss a child’s feelings so early on.

Exactly, I know I said I knew at 10 I was straight and liking boys, it was innocent fancying though, definitely nothing sexual!

What I said is perfectly valid...and when DD came out we accepted it. However now that she's straight again, it's natural to assume she said she was gay in order to be fashionable.

I don't really know what to say to that be honest, just a bit.... wow?!
"Straight again?!"

• Maybe she's bi
• Maybe she's trying to pretend she's straight as people disapprove otherwise

Bit of a reaction to say "she's now straight again, probably was doing it just to look cool"

• Maybe it's not really any one else's business

At 10 I still played with dolls but adored Kevin Keegan, mind the Liverpool we’re gods then (19761977) nothing sexual, that came at 13, with 007. But you gave a fantastic answers.

I had crushes on both girls and boys at around ten years old, so knew I was bisexual even then.

@NoNotMeNoSiree

What I said is perfectly valid...and when DD came out we accepted it. However now that she's straight again, it's natural to assume she said she was gay in order to be fashionable.

I don't really know what to say to that be honest, just a bit.... wow?!
"Straight again?!"

• Maybe she's bi
• Maybe she's trying to pretend she's straight as people disapprove otherwise

Bit of a reaction to say "she's now straight again, probably was doing it just to look cool"

• Maybe it's not really any one else's business

Just wow yourself...those are the words DD used!

She's not pretending anything. She's obviously attracted to boys and shares with her sister her fave pop stars etc. Enjoys chatting to new boys when she's doing her hobby.

Maybe she is bi...maybe she's not...who cares!? I don't and I don't appreciate the faces when all I'm doing is sharing MY experience with what MY child shared and said regarding it.

I think my message to a 10yo declaring any sexual orientation would be essentially the same. That’s great. Love you no matter what. Remember that you don’t have to live by things you say when you are 10.

It’s not because I wouldn’t believe the child. I just want my kid to know that even if today she tells me she is straight, tomorrow she can tell me she is a lesbian or bi or whatever she wants and I won’t care. I just want her to live her best life and if she chooses to have a relationship, find someone who treats her well.

I know this has to be coming for me I’m some firm because mine is already a teen and I clearly need to get my language in shape because in my head I know what is right, but it’s just so hard to perfect it into 2 or 3 sentences.

I knew at 10 I wasn't a lesbian so I assume at 10 you can know you are gay.

Maybe she is bi...maybe she's not...who cares!

Well, with respect you're the one who said you thought she was probably doing it just to be fashionable.
So if you truly did think "who cares" at her being bi, why was that you first leap was that she was "turning back straight" or just following a fad or whatever?
I said wow as there was no other words really to reply to your comment on.
Wow seemed most appropriate

Why think gay people can't be masculine your answer was spot on though OP. Lucky boy to have you.

@NoNotMeNoSiree

Maybe she is bi...maybe she's not...who cares!

Well, with respect you're the one who said you thought she was probably doing it just to be fashionable.
So if you truly did think "who cares" at her being bi, why was that you first leap was that she was "turning back straight" or just following a fad or whatever?
I said wow as there was no other words really to reply to your comment on.
Wow seemed most appropriate

So what if I did think she was doing it to be fashionable? That doesn't make me bloody homophobic! I don't care what she is...I DO care that multiple children in her class and in other Mumsnetter's kid's classes are chopping and changing their sexuality.

It's odd and concerning.

There should always be a culture of acceptance so children feel they can be accepted...it's this changing back and forth that's weird.

She said she was gay...she was VERY clear that she wasn't bi...she said she only liked girls.

We said fine! That's great that you felt able to share.

I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC so please stop with your nasty, insidious suggestion. I am very upset by them. I shared my DD's experience and you're making it into something dirty by your nasty comments.

I am lesbian but thought i was straight until the day i fell in love with another girl when i was 14. I have lots of gay friends who knee they were gay from a very early age but they didn't have the words to describe their experience.

Your response was lovely.

Op, you and your husband sound like brilliant, caring parents. Heterosexuality is the norm and it's easy to be taken unawares when you're peeling the spuds and your child out of the blue announces they are gay. Ignore people who nitpick your response, because, unlike most of us, they're obviously superhuman and are prepared with a pat answer for every occasion and have perfect reactions. It's clear your child feels loved and supported by the both of you and you couldn't do more than that.

OP I think it would help you to stop sexualising sexuality- which is something people often only tend to do when talking about not being straight.

He’s 10, he likely has no idea what fancying someone really means, I don’t think you need to get bogged down in making it about the sex talk.

FWIW I’m bisexual, and when I was that age I was definitely fascinated by certain famous men and women- I could identify that I wanted to kiss the men (as straight attraction was something that was easily identifiable even at that age) but at the time I thought I was just really interested in, and a big fan of, the women. Now I’m an adult I understand why I was so interested! I think it’s really good that he feels he can identify that and that it’s taught in schools so children who aren’t straight can understand the way that they’re feeling.