My 10 year old just told me he is gay

[Didifuckitup]

Did I fuck it up. I don’t know if I responded wrong.
This has come from nowhere. He hasn’t hit puberty yet. He’s so young. He’s had the usual little girlfriends at school and crushes on girls.
And like a bolt out of the blue told me today , mum I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m gay.

It came out of nowhere at all . He’s the most boy ish boy and totally unexpected.

Can you really know if you are gay as young as ten? He has had sex Ed type stuff lately at school and he said he “knows all about gay/bi and alllll the genders now.. “
I don’t know if those lessons have made him feel like he needs to “tick a box” or “fit” or if he’s just sure he’s gay.

I basically said, “ oh that’s fine, no biggie. It makes no difference to me and dad if you are gay or straight as long as you are confident and happy. You will hit puberty soon and hormones will be raging, and you will fancy all kinds of people. You may fancy girls down the line, or boys, or both. And don’t be confused by that if you do. It’s all normal . You are only ten and that’s really young , please don’t feel like you have to pick a sexuality at your age, these things will all figure themselves out in time”

And then I thought shit was that the wrong thing to say. I don’t know. He suffers with anxiety and a few other health issues and I don’t want to mess this up but maybe I already did. Can you know you are gay so young? Can these school chats confuse kids these days? Should I say anything else ?

Hope I haven’t confused him more

10 is very standard age to realise your own sexuality. but as previous people have said u need to challenge your own understanding a bit because the " boyish " bit is the only thing from your post which stands out as a bit of an issue, and seems like your have preconceived ideas about gay men having to be effeminate.

Just tell him that's fine.

But he is not allowed to have sex legally until he is sixteen. And as his mum you are supposed to keep him safe.

And you love him.

I knew I was bi at 5 or 6. I didn't know there was a name for it, but I knew I felt the same about boys and girls and wondered why I could only marry boys. I also knew I was different from my friends, and that they definitely preferred boys.

It was pretty good but there's no need to throw in the oh you're young you might change your mind sort of suggestion. You wouldn't have said that if he'd told you he was heterosexual, would you?

Sometimes saying less is more. @DidifuckitupSometimes kids just need to be heard.

And being a boyish boy? What are you saying there? That gay men are effeminate? That no strapping rugby players are homosexual?

I think you’ve over egged your response a bit and might have come off as dismissive- all you really had to say is that you love him and will support him no matter what. Agree with PP that saying he has to be confident and happy isn’t that supportive as it’s fine to be gay even if you’re not those things. Also agree you need to look at your own unconscious bias about gay boys being “boyish”.

@valnevavaxx

I think you’ve over egged your response a bit and might have come off as dismissive- all you really had to say is that you love him and will support him no matter what. Agree with PP that saying he has to be confident and happy isn’t that supportive as it’s fine to be gay even if you’re not those things. Also agree you need to look at your own unconscious bias about gay boys being “boyish”.

I did didn’t I. I went on a bit. It caught me totally off guard and it’s not a response I’ve ever had ready because I never really expected to hear it. Especially not so young. He tends to be very easily influenced and if someone likes a band say, he does too. If someone is interested in drawing, he becomes a bit obsessed with drawing for a while. Which is why I felt maybe he had heard it somewhere maybe and wanted to let him know it’s ok to feel either way and that it may change

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I think you did well. You validated him but also gave him "permission" to change his mind on his sexuality throughout this teens, as many people do, without being embarrassed.

But I knew before I was 10. Sometimes it isn't a phase.

He’s the most boy ish boy and totally unexpected.

However, this does sound like you have some ignorance/stereotypical ideas of gay people which you might want to think about. Not all lesbians are tomboys, not all gay men are girly.

A few people picked up on this and I knew they would when I typed it. What I meant was I just didn’t see it coming at all. I hear people say they “just knew” or it was “obvious” etc and it really wasn’t and has never needed to be discussed as he openly chatted about his gf at school and crushes etc valentines cards to Girls at school all little childish things but I just assumed he liked girls. I grew up in a homophobic household , and I maybe tried overly hard to sound like it wasn’t an issue. And I’m worried doing that has made it look like it is one. It’s not an issue at all. But he is already singled out and been bullied for health issues and weight etc things he can’t control and it just hurts my heart to think there will be another thing kids will pick on him For. Kids can be so cruel. He’s had it rough the last few years and I just want him to not struggle

Honestly it sounds like you don’t believe him- which is your opinion, but he will pick up on that and if it transpires he is gay, he will remember it. You have a chance here to be supportive and stand by him no matter what the outcome is, isn’t that the mum you want to be?

And if it turns out it is a phase, so what? He’s 10. I can’t imagine he’s planning on doing anything with this revelation, so just tell him you love and support him so he knows he can talk to you.

However as others have said- plenty of people know their sexuality at 10. The fact that you think his might be a fad speaks to your unconscious bias and personal opinion- as PP said, I don’t think you’d be questioning anything if he’d told you he was straight.

I think you did well. I've known since I can remember - people just used to come out later because it wasn't accepted, but if young boys can have little crushes on girls without question, they can have little crushes on boys too

@HunterGatherer

I think you handled it well and he did really well to tell you. One of our DSs was 11 or 12 when he told us, but TBH it was no surprise to anyone that had ever met him.

In what way did you know already?

@soupforbrains

I think your response was really good.

Perhaps, depending on the tone, it might have possibly sounded almost too casual. Which could be interpreted as dismissive but I think you did well.

I know some people who are gay and believe that they knew that early. Not necessarily that they knew they were gay, because they didn’t have the understanding of what that was, but they knew they weren’t straight.

I think the key thing is to just maintain open communication so that whatever he feels going forward he knows he can talk to you about it and that you both love and support him.

I told him to talk to me anytime. How do I bring it up again with out it looking like I’m checking he feels the same or making an issue of it? He’s only a kid it feels odd even discussing sexuality with him

That's the best response ever, you told him you'd love him not matter what. Well done!

Sounded like a very measured, age appropriate and supportive response to me. Given you were taken by surprise, it was great.

@muchtoomuchtime

This stood out for me mum I don’t know how to tell you this. My 11 year old would never used that wording because he has no sense that being gay needs to be announced. So I would wonder if your son has concerns that is not ok to be gay. It's great that you were positive but maybe need to explore a bit how he feels.

I’m not sure why. We have had the chat before about it being ok to marry a man or women etc when he has seen same sex couples on tv. He has never been around homophobia etc. I wonder if he’s seen or read something where it’s had to be “an announcement” or if school have included how “difficult” it might be to come out etc in the education. I’m not sure what school have even taught. I thought we would be told this kind of thing but no. I was surprised that kids this young are taught about multiple genders etc

He tends to be very easily influenced
Yeah, agree with pp's, you sound like you don't really believe him.
That he'll just grow out of it or something.

@CoffeeRunner

You did well.

But to answer your question, yes it is possible to know you are gay when you are 10. My lovely gay friend says he knew for sure from the age of 9/10.

Do you think this is usual after having a crush on girls? I tried to explain maybe he likes both and that’s ok but he sort of shut it down as he “knows” he is gay

@NoNotMeNoSiree

I definitely knew I fancied boys at 10 (I'm straight) and a lot of my friends did as well - so it stands to reason that someone who is gay would know too?! So for that I've put YABU as You are only ten and that’s really young , please don’t feel like you have to pick a sexuality at your age, these things will all figure themselves out in time” sounds a bit like you're dismissing as something he might grow out of. It's perfectly normal to know who you like at that age.

I’m worried I’ve dismissed it. I was just trying to make him aware it’s normal to have all sorts of feelings at that age and that he doesn’t need to feel the need to label himself anything just yet

I think that's a fine answer.

Just that you'll always be happy if he's happy and you're pleased he told you. And to always tell you anything.

I don't think it sounds dismissive. Just that whatever he is is cool with you.

When he talked about having girlfriends at school did you question if he could really know he was straight yet? Probably not. If you believe kids his age can know they are straight, then they can know they are gay. Or its even possible he could be bi and has not quite worked that out yet. Why did he say he did not know how to tell you? You say you were raised in a homophobic home. Can he sense that? How is his father on these matters?

@OaxacaChihuahua

I knew I was bi by ten.

And I know lots of ‘boyish’ gay men!

I think you did fine. I don’t think generally you should say ‘as long as you’re happy and confident it’s fine!’. He may not be happy or confident, and its still fine that he’s gay. But I think otherwise you did a good job of validating his feelings and not making a big song and dance about it.

It’s so hard on the spot to find the right words when he is staring into my eyes . I hope he doesn’t remember this convo forever and think bad of me

I don’t think you really need to bring it up. I’m sure if he wants to talk about it he will. If you’re interested the murder most unladylike series features a young gay character although she is female. There’s very little representation in kids literature - people seem to think they are too young despite the fact that a lot of kids literature features heterosexual characters in relationships.

@muchtoomuchtime

Also....I would have been thinking Ooooh... Has he got his first crush??? I wonder if he was actually trying to tell you about someone?

I did ask if this has come From an attraction he has to someone in particular and he said no theres no one he just knows he’s felt like this for ages. He said he looks at boys and thinks “hmm” and looks at girls and thinks “ urgh” I thought it normal for kids not to have fancied anyone by ten . Maybe I was a late bloomer

@beigebrownblue

Just tell him that's fine.

But he is not allowed to have sex legally until he is sixteen. And as his mum you are supposed to keep him safe.

And you love him.

He’s ten? We haven’t even had the sex conversation yet it’s never been necessary

@50ShadesOfCatholic

It was pretty good but there's no need to throw in the oh you're young you might change your mind sort of suggestion. You wouldn't have said that if he'd told you he was heterosexual, would you?

Sometimes saying less is more. @DidifuckitupSometimes kids just need to be heard.

And being a boyish boy? What are you saying there? That gay men are effeminate? That no strapping rugby players are homosexual?

No but you don’t “assume” your kids are gay and expect them to announce they are straight do you. I said a boyish boy on my post to explain how much of a shock it was to me As in - I didn’t see it coming at all. When I keep reading posts where people say they just “knew” there kid was gay. I am aware not all gay men are effeminate

@cnn27

It's definitely possible to know at 10 - the same way most straight people will know they're straight at 10.

This! So, it’s ok to “know” you’re straight at 10, but not if you’re gay?

Overall though, I think your response was reassuring in that he is loved regardless of who he loves. But i think we need to get away from this idea that being straight is the normal choice, and anything else is a phase or to be doubted.